Chapter 17 #3
I should reach out, take her hand in mine, and comfort her, but I just can’t.
She still feels so foreign to me. There hasn’t been that connection of souls straight away like I used to read about in stories of people finding their parents.
Tessa might look like me, but there’s something holding me back, and I have no idea yet what it is, but if the last few months have taught me anything, it’s that I have to give my brain time to process things.
“I see,” I reply. And before I even ask this question, I’m pretty sure I already know the answer. “What about my father, was he an addict too?”
“Probably,” she replies and then sobs out loud. “God, Poppy, I don’t even know who he is. I was out of it most of the time, and slept around with a lot of random guys.” She drops her head into her hands, crying harder now, and I can tell how embarrassed she is to admit that to me.
But all I can focus on is that I will never know who my biological father is. I’m struggling to even process Tessa sitting here in front of me, but hearing that too makes this so much harder.
“And siblings, were there others like me back then?” I’m feeling emotional at the thought she left other babies at stations too.
“No, you were my only baby I ever had,” she gets out between sobs. I let her continue to cry, until she finally stops, wiping her tears with the sleeves of her shirt. I give her a minute to pull herself together, which she manages, but the silence in the room is deafening, and I can’t take it.
“I understand why you did it, and I can assure you that I’ve had the best life, but why now?
Why didn’t you come looking for me earlier?
I’m assuming you’re clean, so why didn’t you start searching as soon as you got yourself cleaned up?
You are clean now, right?” Because I already know if the answer is no, then I won’t be having any sort of contact with her until she is.
I can’t risk her anywhere near my mother or the boys.
I’ve seen too much in my line of work to know the danger that comes with being around unpredictable people who suffer from addiction of any type.
Whether they mean it or not, all their rational thought is thrown out the window.
“Yes, I promise. I’m clean right now.” She’s still madly wiping the tears off her face.
“Then why now?” I ask again, but the second the words have left my lips, the front door bangs open loudly.
“Poppy!” Landon screams out, and I know by the tone of his panicked voice that all hell’s about to break loose. I thought I’d have more time, but obviously not.
“Dad!” the boys call out to him as he stomps down the hallway.
His loud booming voice means I don’t have to guess what’s happening in the other room, because I can hear every word.
“You boys okay?” He’s speaking quickly.
“Yes.” I hear Kade’s voice, but I’m guessing Nash answered too, just not so loud. I know where Kade gets his volume from now.
“Good. Stay here, I’ll be right back, and Mrs. B will be home very soon.” And as his heavy footsteps start toward us again, I look to Tessa.
“I think it’s best you leave now,” I say quickly as I push up out of my seat, ready to greet Landon the moment he enters the kitchen.
“What the hell are you doing here?” he bellows at Tessa as she scrambles out of her seat looking scared, and he comes straight to me, taking my face between his hands.
“Are you okay? I got here as soon as I could.” He lowers his volume for me, but there’s no mistaking how pissed he is.
Tilting my face up to his, he looks at me with such intensity, triggering my bravado, that I’ve been relying on since Tessa arrived, to disappear.
My body begins to tremble slightly, and I can feel the water already pooling in my eyes.
Landon knows exactly what I need, pressing his lips to my forehead with more force than usual. Almost like he’s transferring his strength to me through the kiss. Releasing me, he steps to the side, wrapping his arm tightly around my waist and pulling me into his side.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Tessa mumbles as she shuffles back toward the hallway.
“You stop right there,” Landon growls at her, but she just turns, rushing toward the front door. I can tell he’s about to charge after her, but I don’t want that.
“Let her go,” I demand, turning my body toward him, fisting my hands into his shirt and hanging on as tight as I can.
“But…” he starts, and I cut him off.
“I said no,” I reply forcefully.
We stare at each other, so much emotion circling around us, anger, frustration, fear, but most of all, love.
Sometimes it’s in the depths of despair when your emotions burn the brightest.
Landon doesn’t agree with letting her go, but respects this is my decision.
Not giving in entirely, his arms slip around my waist, and he pulls me into his chest. I can still feel the panic radiating from him, which isn’t helping me to calm as quickly as I normally would in his arms. He’s hugging me so tightly, and I swear I hear him whisper, “I’ll never let her hurt you.
” That doesn’t make sense to me, and just as I was about to ask him to repeat it, I hear more yelling, which has us breaking apart.
I see in his eyes the moment it clicks with Landon who’s yelling.
“Wait… please,” we hear my mom calling from the front of the house, and at the same time, Kade yells out, “Dad, can we move now?”
Hearing Kade’s normal happy voice is like a sudden release of the nervous energy in me, signalling that we’re all okay. I just look at Landon and can’t help it, I burst out laughing. Not just a little giggle but a deep hearty laugh that has me gasping for air.
“Yeah, buddy. Come here.” And before we have time to even move one step, both boys are charging into the kitchen.
Kade is already asking questions loudly one after another as he jumps up into Landon’s arms. Nash runs straight to me, wrapping his arms around my hips, his chin resting on my stomach, and he looks up into my eyes so intently, like he’s checking that I’m okay.
Nash feels like he has an old soul in a little boy’s body.
My flustered mother comes rushing into the room next, looking so confused as she glances around the room, seeing both Landon and me laughing as the boys then join in, and we probably look like a bunch of clowns.
I had every range of emotions running through my body, and I didn’t want to deal with any of them. So, like the saying goes, better to laugh than cry. And to be honest, I’m sick of fucking crying.
“Why are we laughing?” Mom asks.
“Yeah, why are we laughing?” Nash looks up into my eyes, looking for an answer to one of the many questions he likely has right now.
“Because, why not,” I say, calmly stroking the top of his head. “I’m sick of feeling sad all the time, so I think we should laugh more. What do you say, want to help me stop being so sad?”
“Yes!” Kade screams out from where he’s perched in Landon’s arms, and then looks at his dad. “Tickle me, Daddy, and make me laugh.” Just watching Kade begging to have Landon make him giggle and squirm has me laughing again too.
“I have no idea what’s going on in here, and I don’t care, as long as everyone’s smiling.
But I know what will make you even happier.
I have pizza and ice cream in my car. Boys, come and help me.
” She gestures for Kade and Nash to go and help her carry it all inside.
She looks to me, her face giving away how concerned she is for me right now, but she’s trying to keep things normal for the boys.
“I’m okay,” I mouth to her, which earns a little nod from Mom before she turns and leaves the kitchen with the boys.
“Fuck, Poppy, are you okay? And don’t bullshit me.
Do I need to call Felix and have him come over to take care of the boys?
We can sit and talk, either alone or with your mom.
Just tell me what to do, because I’ll be honest, I’m still wound so tight with anger and anxiety that I could go ten rounds with a punching bag right now.
” Landon sits on the seat beside me and pulls me down into his lap.
“Talk to me, don’t hold this in your head when its already like a maze of thought bubbles, all lost and trying to find their way out.” With his finger on my chin, he tilts my face up to look at him.
“I’m numb. I can’t talk about it right now.
Let’s just eat, you can take the kids home and get them to bed while I talk with Mom, and then maybe I could come for a sleepover, making sure I’m gone before the boys wake up in the morning.
I don’t want to confuse them any more than I already have tonight.
We could talk about it then, with me lying in your arms, snug in your bed.
My head on your chest hearing your heartbeat is all I want tonight.
Am I asking too much?” I look deep into his eyes, wondering what he’s thinking.
“You never have to ask to sleep in my bed. You know I’d have you there every night if you let me.
” He reaches out and tucks some stray hair behind my ear.
“But if I ever hear you ask if you’re too much again, it’s you I’ll be pinning to the floor and tickling until you can’t breathe.
There will never be enough Poppy Bertrum in this world.
We need a larger piece of your heart to share around, and definitely more of this sexy body, but that will all be for me.
” He leans closer to my ear. “Because I hope you won’t ever share your body with anyone else.
That part of you we already agreed belongs to me.
” Normally the rasp in his voice would have a shiver running through my body. But not tonight. I’m too drained.
I quickly push up off Landon’s lap when I hear someone coming, to avoid any awkward questions. “Poppy, I’ve got the cheese pizza for you and me.” Kade comes rushing into the kitchen, box in hand, and before he drops it on the floor, Landon reaches out to take it from him.
The moment between us that was turning a little steamy is now gone, which is fine with me.