Chapter 24
Rowan
The Gucci photoshoot is huge. A massive set, lights everywhere, racks and racks of clothes. No one talks to us much, and there’s a lot of standing around and waiting.
We’re shuffled on for certain shots, staged, told to hold awkward poses that make my muscles burn.
Not only are there photos, but we also have to stage behind-the-scenes “scenes” where we’re laughing and having fun and sneaking secret moments between shots to hug and share kisses.
It’s all bullshit. I know this isn’t something I’d be able to do with my life long term. It’s a fun ride, a bit of a thrill. But if Circus wasn’t here with me, I probably would have walked out by now.
It takes three days to get all the shots they need, and as soon as we’re out of there each day, Circus drags us to dinner or a show, and then we go back to the hotel room and fool around.
I could endure just about anything to end up in bed with him.
When we finally wrap on the final day, and I change out of the stiff, uncomfortable clothing, there’s champagne passed around.
We both wave them off, keen to get on the road. Neither of us are in a huge hurry to get back to Sunbury, so we’ve set aside a week to do the fourteen-hour drive. There are plenty of places to stop along the way that Circus says will be good for aesthetics.
I can’t believe I actually know what that means now.
And after four days of being inside, I’m glad to get out of the city. We stop at Redwood Park and freshwater lagoons, and Circus is always there with his camera. We went through all the Polaroid film on our first night in LA, but I’m definitely up for a repeat at some point in the future.
That’s if we’re still doing this when we get back.
It’s been a bit of a mindfuck. Acting like boyfriends during the day and then making each other come at night. My brain is struggling to keep up with the difference between what’s real and what’s still pretend.
Could I ask Circus? Of course. But do I trust him to give me a straight answer? Not so much.
The thing I’m most scared of though will be Circus telling me this is over when we get back. I’m becoming more at ease with touching him and letting myself go, and if he decides that’s all I needed, I’m not so sure I could keep playing happy boyfriends for him in front of the camera.
Because Circus is someone special.
Even if he doesn’t see it, I’ve known since I was sixteen years old and trying to catch his eye.
I don’t want to let him go. Not now.
Maybe not ever.
And isn’t that a scary thought?
Because the more I think about it, the more he’s right that I could never ask someone as special to me as he is to pretend to be my roommate. Our friends would know, but who else? If I don’t want my family finding out, that pretty much excludes everyone else in town. It’s too risky otherwise.
Damn, I want him though. More than just his body. I want his heart. I want him to know that we can be a family.
I sigh as Circus pulls up to the edge of a creek.
“Where are we?”
“Figured we’d stay here tonight.”
“And be killed by a mass murderer? Sounds like a solid plan.”
He laughs. “What is it about you and forests? You realize we’re more likely to be found and killed in the middle of a city. Who else is out here, huh?”
I lean closer to him. “That’s the question of the night.”
Ignoring all sense of self-preservation, he jumps out and heads around to the back of the car. I reluctantly follow him. He’s got a stack of blankets and pillows piled up back here, and he offloads our luggage to the front seats before starting to set up.
“You had this planned, didn’t you?”
“Why do you think I rented an SUV?”
“It’s going to be impossible to sleep back here.”
He reaches up to kiss me. “Who says we’re going to be sleeping?”
“Ah. Not just a pretty face.”
He crawls in first, and I pull off my shirt and follow him. Dusk has set in, staining the trees around us in an orange glow. Circus snuggles into my side, and as much as I might want to jump his bones, I’m also completely content right here. Until he pulls out the photos of the other night.
“I want to post some,” he says, and my face must go white or something because he starts to laugh.
“I don’t think …”
He holds one up of me jerking off. “Nothing like this. These are mine.” He flicks through the pile and finds one where he’s facedown, naked, and looking like he’s asleep.
“Maybe this?” He starts to drop a few down.
One where we’re cuddling, one of me with my thumbs hooked in my briefs, and another of me standing with my back to the camera, ass on full display.
I shift a little. “Everything we’ve done so far … I could explain it away as just modeling. All pretend. These …” Everything from our lack of clothes to the expressions we’re wearing hint at total intimacy. “They’re private. I want these to be ours. For us to just have this. No one else.”
At first, I’m sure he’s going to argue. And okay, there are some photos here we could definitely get away with, but I’m oddly protective of that night.
“What if we post some from during the day instead? There were a few of those you loved.”
“You’re right.” He gathers the pile he laid out, and I take them from him.
“I hope you know I’m keeping all the ones of you. All of them.”
“That’s fine because I want to be able to see your dick anytime I want, so I’ll be keeping yours too.”
I laugh as he slides one of my naked photos from the pile and flops back on the blankets.
“Ooh, Rowan. Look at you and your big cock …” He pretends to lick the photo.
I pluck it out of his hand and place it back on the pile. “You know …” I’m not sure now is the time for this conversation, but we might as well have it anyway. “You could see it anytime you wanted, even without the photos.”
“Like right now.”
I laugh. “Yes, in a minute.”
Circus pouts. “But you said whenever I wanted, and I want to now.”
“Hey.” I catch his hand as he reaches for my pants. “Give me a second. I’m trying to say that once we get back, I wouldn’t mind if this keeps happening.”
He looks torn. I’m not surprised, because when it comes down to it, I don’t have a whole lot to offer him.
“You could help me with my gym,” I continue. “And I’ll keep posting and you’ll keep getting your followers and we’ll spend time together, and at night, we’ll keep each other company.” I swallow. “Until you find someone who can give you everything you deserve.”
“You want to be my little sex toy?” Circus asks, raspy voice even scratchier than usual.
“Hell yes …” And more. But that more part can stay with me until I can—if ever—give him an actual life with me.
I reach for Circus’s shirt and pull it over his head before leaning down and kissing him.
I take my time, exploring his mouth with my tongue, and just sinking into the feel of him against me.
All I can do is hope and pray that he doesn’t find someone special in the time it takes for me to get my shit together.
I hum against his mouth as he pushes my pants down, and then I roll over and pull him on top of me. I hurry to flick open the button on his pants and let my hands trail over his ass as I push them down.
“You sure no one will come out this way?”
“Nope.” He ducks his head to drag openmouthed kisses over my neck. “You want to stop?”
“I don’t think I’d want to stop even if there were crowds of people.” A moan rumbles in my chest as he sucks a mark into my skin.
I pull him tighter against me and slide my hand down the back of his briefs, running my middle finger down the crease of his ass.
Circus pulls back and looks down at me. “Would you …”
“Would I …?”
“Fuck me?”
My face gets so hot I can’t concentrate. The thought of sliding into his body, owning it, making him come while he rides me … “Yes. Yes, yes. So much yes.”
“Really?” The way his face lights up surprises me.
The thing is there are still doubts there. Some worries that I’ll never be enough. That I’ll get home and chicken out and force myself through dating women again.
But then I look at him.
His bedroom eyes and the sharp line of his jaw. His septum piercing and his long eyebrows and the way his dark hair gets that wave at the front.
Nothing and no one will ever compare to him. I drag my lips softly against his. “Really.”
Circus kicks out of his underwear, then scrambles out of the car and jogs to the driver’s side door. He’s back in a minute with a wide smile and two little packets between his fingers.
“Smart man,” I say.
“The smartest.”
He climbs back into the car, and I sit up a little so I’m propped against the back seats. As soon as he’s close enough, my hands find his waist and I steer him to straddle my lap.
We kiss while he grinds against me, my hands exploring every part of him I can reach. I trail a hand back down to his ass, and Circus pulls away to grab one of the packets.
“Here.”
He grabs my hand and pours a little of the lube onto my fingers, then does the same with his own.
“Follow the leader.” He grins wickedly, then reaches around, and I hurry to follow suit. And when I feel what his hand is doing, my cock gives a massive throb.
I cup his hand and groan as one of his fingers pushes inside his hole.
“Fuck. You’re fingering yourself.”
“Mmhmm … help me.”
Porn has taught me the basics of what’s expected, but I have no clue what to do now I’m confronted with the reality of it.
Circus slides out a bit, and I link my fingers through his, leaving one out to rest alongside the one he’s riding. And when he starts to push both fingers back inside himself …
The pressure is insane.
He works himself up to three fingers, stretching himself out, and then he starts to rub something.
“Feel that?” he asks, face cloudy with lust.
“Yeah. Is that your prostate?”
“Sure is.” He tilts my head back with his free hand and forces his tongue deep into my mouth. We kiss until I’m close to running out of air, and then he backs up, removing our digits from his ass.
I grab the condom, tear open the packet, and hurry to roll it down my aching dick. Circus covers it with the leftover lube, and I moan as his hand strokes me.
I catch his hips before he can move.
“I’ve … I’ve never had sex before that I enjoyed. If I’m weird after …”
He lightly ghosts his lips over mine. “I’ll be here.”
I let out a shuddery breath as Circus positions himself over me. “You ready?”
“Very.” I wrap my arms around his back and ease him down.
Circus holds my cock steady, and the first moment I breach his hole is insane. I’ve never felt anything so tight and hot.
My mouth immediately seeks out his as he slides farther down.
And everything, everything has been building to this moment.
From the first glance of him in the halls, to meeting for lunches, then catching up after school. From the way I’d stare at the back of his head in church, just waiting for that moment he’d turn around so we could lock eyes.
Sneaking into his prom. Our first kiss. The years between where I’ve been dying to get back to him.
It’s not just the pressure around my cock that’s building to insane levels, but the one around my heart too.
His ass hits my hips, and then he sits there for a moment, both of us panting into each other’s mouths. It’s perfection.
It’s too much.
He starts to move, and I swear my eyes roll back in my head. This. This is everything I’ve been missing.
I slide my hands down to grip his ass and increase the pace, but it’s not enough. I need more control. More access.
Wrapping my arms around him, I flip Circus onto his back and slide into his waiting hole. It’s just as amazing the second time.
I don’t hold back.
I unleash years of pent-up emotion on him.
Circus’s head is tilted back, eyes closed, denying me from seeing him, so I reach up and grab his face. “Look at me.”
His eyes snap open. “Use me,” he pants.
My fingers tighten on his jaw as I start to slam into him, hips taking on a mind of their own. We don’t break eye contact, not even when my orgasm starts to build. Not even when my balls draw up tight and I’m hanging in that moment between bliss and total loss of control.
“Kelly …” I gasp.
He scrambles to reach between us, and his eyelids sink heavy over his eyes as he madly jerks himself off. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
Cum spurts between us, and that’s enough to send me over the edge. My high hits hard and fast, and the whole time I’m riding it out, all I can concentrate on are the warm, soft feelings flooding through my body.
This is what it’s meant to be.
Pure attraction. No regrets. Sex with the person I love.
I collapse on top of him, hiding my face in his neck as I struggle against tears.
My mind completely blown apart.
Nothing will ever compare to this moment.
And goddamn it, I don’t want to be the guy who cries after sex, but it all gets too much. I’ve denied myself this for years, and for what?
Some outdated ideas and the promise of eternity in hell?
Fuck it. At this point, I don’t want to be separated from Circus, ever.
Circus hugs me close, waiting while I cry, and I wish I could tell him what this means to me. The sex, his support, all of it.
Is it really any surprise why I’ve fallen in love with him?
“You did so good,” he murmurs against my ear. “So good.”
“I’m sorry,” I reply, wishing I could stop my damn eyes from leaking.
“Don’t be.” His hold makes me feel safe. “We have plenty of time. And tomorrow night, we can practice this all again.”