Chapter 33
Circus
My phone rings and I hurry to answer.
“I think you need to get down here now.”
I frown at Leon’s supposed greeting. “What are you talking about?”
“Rowan’s at Harvey’s, and he’s sitting with his parents and Father O’Connor. He looked like he was shitting himself.”
“The priest? Jules’s dad?”
“Yup. Now get off your ass and come save your boyfriend.”
My mouth actually falls open as I lower my phone from my ear and end the call.
What the fuck are his parents playing at?
Rowan said he was going to meet them, but he didn’t mention anything about Father O’Connor. So either they’ve completely blindsided him with it, or … he kept it from me.
I’m kind of terrified of what that means, but I can’t believe that Rowan is wanting back in the closet. He wouldn’t. He knows that doesn’t work.
But he said he wants to do this on his own.
My brain feels stuck as I make for my bedroom and fall face-first onto the bed.
This is too much.
Part of me wishes Leon hadn’t called because the concern in his voice … I bury my head under a pillow.
Rowan’s gay. I know that. He knows that. And what we have is so electric, I don’t want to let it go.
But would he?
Sure, I want to believe things are great, but with his family barely speaking to him … will he work out that life with me will be a thousand times more complicated than the one he was pretending to live?
It’s a harsh question maybe, but knowing what he’s been through, it’s a legitimate one.
And …
Well, can he have a life with me?
This movie offer is the biggest opportunity I’ve ever had. It would be borderline certifiable for me to turn it down. Especially for Rowan who, at this point, could still be a total flight risk.
I want him. Hell, I fucking love him.
But is it enough?
If I turn down the movie and he leaves, it would leave me with no movie, no Rowan, and the followers I’ve built because of our relationship would slowly dwindle away.
I’d be back to having nothing.
Panic seizes me, and I hurry to sit up and breathe through it. The bone-numbing loneliness is always lurking just beneath the surface, and even though Rowan has been a bandage for that, I’m terrified he’ll rip the bandage away and I’ll be left exposed. Alone.
This movie … I’d make more friends, expand my reach, potentially sign on for more of the same, and the more popular I get, the more certain it is I’ll always have people around.
Always.
Just … not Rowan.
And he’s the one I want.
The only one.
The awareness seeps through my desperate thoughts.
I moved away from people for a reason. I needed that barrier for protection while I built myself back up, but a family’s the end goal. It’s always been the end goal.
The thought of having that with Rowan actually lights me up inside.
It stills the panic in a way that nothing else does.
But it’s a huge gamble.
I swallow and glance at my 8-Ball. It hasn’t steered me wrong before.
I pick it up, the smooth surface heavy in my hand.
All I have to do is ask, Should I fight for Rowan?
Yes, and I’ll kiss the movie goodbye. Yes, and I’ll go down there and bail him out just like Leon wants me to do. To show Rowan that I’m there for him. Always.
And if it says no … the panic simmers back to the surface. If it says no, I’ll do the movie.
Leave.
I glance down at the little view screen to see a corner of the options bob pathetically into view.
I imagine the answer. Some version of My reply is no or very doubtful and then I … leave.
I leave.
I can’t leave.
The ball rolls out of my hand and hits the floor with a loud thud before rolling out of sight.
I can’t do the movie.
I can’t walk away from him.
No matter what, even if this is too much for him, I have to try.
And that trying starts with getting my ass back in the car and heading for the diner.
There’s just enough time to switch out my T-shirt for one that doesn’t stink of clammy indecision, and then I’m back in the car, tearing toward town.
I find a parking space a block away from the diner, and in my enthusiasm, the front of the bumper hits the gutter.
Oops?
I scramble out of the car, trying to both calm the fuck down and get there as quickly as I can. It’s been at least twenty minutes since Leon called me, so I have no clue if they’re still in there, but if they are … yep. I’m ready.
Probably.
Until I get to the door.
Will I even be welcome inside? Rowan’s whole family probably hates me if he told them about us, and I wouldn’t put it past his dad to throw me out on my ass.
Nope, I’m doing this.
Just casually going to stake my claim in front of a diner of people who’ve known me my whole life.
Nothing to see here.
Fuck.
I push the door open.
They’re the first ones I see.
Rowan looks panicked. All big eyes staring at the table. His dad isn’t looking at him, and his mom seems to be trying to make up for it by looking at him too intently. Father O’Connor just looks plain sad.
And this kind of depressing shit is stopping right now.
The door opens behind me again and this time Leon, Royce, and Tanner walk in. Leon nods my way as they take over a booth, not bothering to hide the way they’re staring. Just seeing them confirms to me that I’ve made the right choice.
Here I go, then. Sucking in a deep breath, I make my way over.
“Mr. and Mrs. Harvey. Father O’Connor. So good to see you all again.” I grab Rowan’s shoulder and give it a squeeze, ignoring the way I can feel him staring up at me. “I’ve gotta say, I’m disappointed I wasn’t invited to lunch.”
“Circus.” Brenda manages a small smile even as her husband looks like he might be sick. “We’re just having a family conversation.”
“Perfect timing, then. I’m family, I’ll join too.” But just as I go to move away and find a chair, Rowan grabs me. He pushes closer to his mom and makes room for me beside him.
Even better.
Rowan’s grip on my hand is tight. “What are you doing here?” he murmurs.
“Leon called me.”
I feel some of the tension leave his body as he presses against my side.
“So what are we talking about?”
No one answers me at first. Then, Rowan’s voice is soft as he says, “Conversion therapy.”
Cold creeps through me. My voice turns brittle. “What?”
“It’s a suggestion,” Father O’Connor says.
My free hand slaps down on the table. “Are you people fucking shitting me?”
“Circus, this place isn’t like those horror stories you read about—”
“Is it designed with the intent to turn queer people straight?”
“Well, that is the main—”
“Then yeah, it is just as bad.” I swing around to Rowan’s parents. “Do you have any clue how much your opinions have already fucked with Rowan’s head? He’s spent the last decade—at least—of his life trying to hide this side of himself, and now you’re asking for more? What is wrong with you?”
“It’s just a suggestion,” Karl snaps. “We’re not being unreasonable here. We care about him, and we need to see him at least try, and if that doesn’t work—”
“Try?” My voice shakes dangerously, but I can’t believe the words coming out of their mouths.
“What do you think it was like for him in high school? With his friends pressuring him to date and knowing that if he dated me he’d probably never hear from his family again?
Or the first time we finally kissed and he freaked out so badly he punched me in the face?
Or the five years since that he’s spent dating women and forcing himself through being with them even though they do literally nothing for him? You don’t think that’s trying?”
And maybe I’m speaking for Rowan here, but all I want to do is throw a giant fuck-you in all their faces.
“Don’t you want what’s best for him?” Brenda asks.
“Yeah, I do. So it’s a no on the therapy. Because Rowan and I have spent too much time apart already, and if there’s anything the past five years have taught us, it’s that we’re miserable if we’re not together.”
“You love him …” she says slowly.
Rowan turns to her. “You know how you and Dad always tell us that when you first met, you just knew? There was never anyone else. That when you were together it was like someone had filled you with sunlight?”
“Yes …”
“That’s how I feel about Circus. How I’ve always felt.”
“Wow. I—I don’t know what to say.”
Karl clears his throat and pointedly turns his attention to the rest of the room.
My hand in Rowan’s seems to give him a boost.
“I’ve tried to be with women, for you guys, and it never made me happy. So if you still want me in your lives, it’s your turn to try for me.”
“Rowan …”
“And tell Grandpa that means no backhanded comments, no insulting me or my boyfriend, and the rest of you need to forget everything you’ve been told about gay men and accept me the way I am.”
“It’s not that easy—”
“I know that. I’ve been dealing with it for most of my life. But either you support me, or …” He hesitates, and I squeeze his hand to go on. “Or this is it for us.”
After everything he’s been through, I’m both proud and sad to hear the words. But they needed to be said.
Father O’Connor slides a shiny brochure across the table. “I think it would be a good idea to pause this conversation and have time to think all this through. Process where each side is coming from.”
“Nope.” I grab the brochure and scrunch it in my hand. “Thanks, Father, but Rowan was perfectly clear.”
He nods, looking mildly disappointed. “You know where to find me. Both of you.”
Rowan’s dad follows him out of the booth. “We’ll take some time to talk.” He motions for Brenda to follow him, so Rowan and I quickly jump out to let her pass.
She pauses in front of her son and squeezes his arm. “I love you. No matter what.”
“You too, Mom.”
His dad doesn’t say anything else as they leave.
Once the bell signals they’ve gone, I let out a long breath and crush Rowan in a hug. “Fuck me.”
“Yeah.”
We sink back into the booth, both of us drained from the whole conversation.
“You okay?”
“I guess. And as much as I love that you’re here, I really wish you didn’t have to see all that.”
“Rowan, I’m here because I choose you. Because I want to be with you, and I want to try and start a life together. That means taking on your family as well.”
“You’ve always been too good for me,” he mutters.
“Eh, I’m just a messy person falling for an equally messy person.” I lift his head so he’s looking at me. “I love you.”
“Thank God you still do.” His eyes fall closed as he rests his forehead against mine. “You’re sure I’m not too much—”
“Nope. And I never want you thinking that again.” I look up as Leon pats my shoulder and slides in across from us, along with Royce and Tanner. Piper arrives a few minutes later with soda for everyone, and she squashes in next to me.
“Could have gone better?” Leon finally asks.
“Yeah, but it also could have been worse,” Rowan says.
Piper leans forward to look at her brother. “They’ll come around.”
“I’m not so sure. But I guess we’ll see.”
I know he’s trying to keep his hopes down, and while I think today was a dick thing for them to ask him, I can also see it for what it was. A way for them to try to hold on to their son.
“How does it feel?” Tanner asks. “To be finally out?”
“I still don’t know. It feels good, and I keep getting these panicked moments that I’ll wake up and realize I haven’t actually done it yet, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about what people will think.”
“Eh.” I shrug. “You’d be brave enough to do it again. And again. And the thing is … people around here have known us since we were kids. I have to believe the majority of them want us to be happy.”
“Look at you, being all sentimental.”
I give him a dry look, but he’s right. Even after all that bullshit with his parents, even after letting the idea of the movie role go and putting all my hopes in this relationship, I’m not freaking out like I thought I would be.
The worry is gone, and all that’s left is this deep contentment as I look around at the people sitting at this table.
I might not have a family in the traditional sense, but if today’s taught me anything, I do have people who care about me. Leon, Royce, Tanner. The people in this town.
It’s a good feeling.
And now, with Rowan, I no longer feel lost. This is where I’m meant to be.