23. Twenty-Three
Twenty-Three
Abi
Cash’s fingers threaded through my hair as he pulled me deeper into him. His kiss was just as I imagined, just as intoxicating. I let out the softest sigh, and Cash took the bait, sliding his tongue in to meet mine, sending a shock wave through my entire body. Everything was pushed from my mind as I began to float, and this kiss was the only thing keeping me grounded. I clutched the nape of his neck. I gripped his shirt, becoming greedy with him. He couldn’t get close enough, even though our bodies were flush against one another. I needed more of him.
Everything around me faded as Cash’s fingers slid under my tank top, his calloused fingers only adding to the current that flowed between us. He broke the kiss for a second, allowing both of us to get some air before he claimed me again, this time his palm against my back, as the desire got thicker, stronger—flooding me.
I was drowning.
And I didn’t want to come up for air.
This felt right; this felt so good. He felt so good. His body against me, his hands on my skin, his lips dancing with mine. Everything felt so…so…
No.
Not tonight…
My senses returned in a rush, the loud noise from the bar hit me like a ton of bricks and it suddenly hit me who I was kissing.
Cash.
No.
I broke the kiss, the sizzling desire of the moment before still buzzing in my veins, but no, no, no...
I moved faster than I planned, pushing him away to arm’s length, feeling my entire body shake and heat rise in me. This wasn’t what I was supposed to be doing with him. This wasn’t supposed to feel so right. I had so many things I needed to do first, so many things I needed to say. We needed to be friends again. I wasn’t supposed to want him. Not tonight, not like this.
“Abs,” he groaned as he stepped back into my space, his hand lightly touching my elbow.
I met his gaze. He was breathing rapidly, most likely just as quick as I was. His eyes were heavy, and his lips…
I dipped my chin, ignoring the urge to kiss him again.
No.
“No…” I whispered. “This….I can’t…”
I couldn’t form the words. I wanted to kiss him, but I wanted to yell, to scream. I wanted to wrap myself in his arms and just….
Forget.
But the urge to scream was louder.
I used my weight to push him, watching as he stumbled back a few steps before I turned and stormed through the crowd, determined to leave this feeling. Everything about it could stay right here in this dingy bar. I couldn’t do this.
“Abi!” I heard Cash shout, but his voice was faint as the shivers from the kiss were replaced with shaking.
He said he didn’t deserve me.
He said he thought about me.
He said he cared about me.
He was saying all the right things to make me forget what we needed to talk about, everything that happened and I wouldn’t—couldn’t—just forget.
“Abi!” His voice was stronger now that I was outside, the chill hitting my face, taking the heat away. “Abi stop!”
“No.” I shouted over my shoulder, my anger rising.
“Don’t put up these walls, Abi.”
I felt his hand grab my wrist, yanking me to a stop, spinning me to look at him.
“Don’t—” he began.
“No, you don’t . You don’t get to ignore me for five years, erase me from your life, and then kiss me like that. You don’t get to tell me I can call you and then never answer your phone. You don’t get to do this to me, Cash,” I screamed, pure rage falling from the same lips that kissed him, that still—for whatever reason—wanted to kiss him again. I let out a loud groan, lifting my head towards the sky as I cried, “This wasn’t supposed to happen this way.”
But it was…and it was happening in the wrong way. I didn’t want to scream at him, I didn’t want to push him away, but it burst. Like a volcano, it all came flowing from me, nothing stopping it.
“Abi, I…” Cash’s voice was calm as he stood there in shock. His arm stretched out, wanting to touch me. Comfort me?
“Why did you leave?” I burst through the tears. “Why? The last thing you ever said to me was that Sylas was gone. And then you turned and walked out of that hospital, after throwing a fucking chair. You didn’t answer my phone calls, you ignored all of my texts. You didn’t come to his funeral. You were gone. Like we…like I didn’t even matter. When all I needed was my friend.” Tears slid down my cheeks, my eyes drowning. I couldn’t even blink them away fast enough. My heart was beating rapid fire. My breath was heavy and I just couldn’t control it. “I needed you, Cash. Stetson needed you. But we weren’t good enough. You were gone…just like that…”
“I was mad!” he shouted.
“Do you think you’re the only one who was mad? My husband died, in my arms! And then his friend— my friend—left. I’m sorry Cash, but I have more reason to be pissed than you do.” My shouts were so loud, most likely everyone in The Steel could hear me, and I didn’t care one bit.
“You have every reason to be mad, but try seeing it from my point of view. Sylas was my best friend, and I missed so much because I was trying to be a better husband to someone who didn’t even matter. I went to see him for thirty minutes because that’s all she would allow, and in those thirty minutes, he died. The anger…the fear…it just took over.” He took one step towards me, his hands finally moving enough to grasp my shoulders. “I told you he died. I saw you break. I saw the light leave your eyes and I…” His breath shook. “I knew I couldn’t do anything. I was afraid to hold you. I was afraid that I would lose you.”
I struggled against him, punching his shoulder. "But you did. You made it happen. You're the one who left me. You're the one who walked away. Did you ever consider that I couldn't lose you? That losing you along with Sylas was the last thing I needed?"
“I didn’t think—” He fought back, gripping onto me tighter. “I couldn’t Abi. I went to the funeral. I sat in my car and couldn’t get out. I couldn’t see Sylas that way. I couldn’t see you that broken again when I couldn’t fix it. I just.”
I snapped in his face, making him flinch back. “If you say couldn’t one more time…” I barked, my voice echoing against the walls of The Steel, the night air carrying it further than I intended.
“Abi, listen to me. I’m sorry. I never meant to leave you. I didn’t know if you really wanted me there or not. If I’d known. If I’d had any inkling that you wanted me by your side, I would have been there—”
“You should have been there anyway!” I screamed, using my fist to try to push him away, but he held me. His eyes locked on to mine as he watched me cry, each and every tear coating my face with more anger and fear than before.
“I should have. I should have…but…”
“But what? What was more important that kept you away from us?”
“I wasn’t good enough…” His voice fell. “You told me today that I belonged at that cemetery when I was telling myself I didn’t. I failed you; I failed him, and Abi—” His tone began to rise, louder and louder with each word. “I can’t fail you again. I don’t want to , ever, leave you again. I’m trying to start now to make it up to you.”
I felt my bottom lip quiver, tears still falling. I could still feel the anger surging through me, and the pounding in my heart vibrated so strongly that it felt as if it were going to come crashing through my ribs. He failed us. He knew he did. He admitted it. And he wanted to fix it. He wanted…me.
“I never knew you needed me. I never heard from you. I thought you wanted me gone.” His voice shook.
I shook my head. His hands were firm on my shoulders, helping ground me. Chewing on my bottom lip, I reached up and grabbed his neck, feeling his hair under my fingers. I just needed to feel him, to make sure that he was here. “I never wanted that. I wanted…”
“I wanted you in my life.” Cash rested his forehead against mine. “I never left you, even though I wasn’t here…Abi…I…”
“Abi?” Kyla’s voice pulled me from Cash’s semi embrace. “Are you ok?”
I took a step back and folded my arms. I looked at Cash, then back at Kyla, giving her a nod. “Yeah but…” I tried to talk, forming any words that would make the most sense. “Cash and I need to head back to the house.”
I turned without another word and walked to Cash's truck. Sitting in the passenger seat, I ran my hands down my face and watched Cash say goodbye to Kyla before walking with purpose to his truck.
He climbed in, his face solemn as he stared at the steering wheel.
“This conversation isn’t over,” he said. “Not by a long shot.”
Feeling the tears starting to well, I nodded, and he drove us back to the ranch. In silence.
Cash held my hand as he led me to the porch of the main house. The lights created the perfect glow as we each took a seat on the swing. If it were any other time, it would be romantic, but I was still crying, and Cash’s palm had grown sweaty in mine.
I wasn’t sure where to start. I had been avoiding this for a while, ignoring the feelings that were creeping up in my stomach, and look where that got me. I had gotten good at hiding my true emotions in front of people. I’d become the master at making people think I was fine and happy when every day I forced myself to be that way. No matter how hard I may try to deny it, Cash saw it. He saw moments I didn’t think anyone saw. He saw me. He wanted to make it right somehow.
And I blew up at him.
“I’m sorry—” I started.
“I’m sorry, Abi,” he said at the exact same time.
I furrowed my brow and tilted my head. “What are you sorry for? I’m the one who started this.”
Cash swallowed, his Adam’s apple moving as he clenched his jaw. “For leaving. I never meant to make you feel like I didn’t care.”
Biting my bottom lip, I took a deep breath. “How else was I supposed to take it? You were gone.”
He didn’t answer. He lowered his chin so the rim of his hat hid his eyes.
“My husband’s best friend, who I thought I was friends with, too…disappeared. I tried to call; I texted every night and even left you a few sobbing voicemails. Not once did you return my calls. Then, I saw your accident. I lost Sylas that way. I couldn’t lose you too, even if you wanted nothing to do with me.” I shifted on the swing, my fingers still laced with his. I rubbed my thumb on the back of his knuckles and noticed as his eyes found our joined hands. “So, I called, texted and called again…and silence. That’s when I decided to stop. That’s when I let go of the idea that you were still there.”
“Lachlan and Rhett came to see me.” He sniffed, raising his chin just enough that I could see tears on his cheeks. He was crying, and I had the sudden urge to wipe them away. But I kept still. “I wanted to ask about you…but—”
“You couldn’t.” I repeated the word he had used so many times in the parking lot. Couldn’t. Couldn’t. Couldn't.
“I thought I had lost you already.”
“Well.” I squeezed his hand, and then let it go. “You kind of did.”
His eyes met mine for the briefest moment, but a wave of grief flooded him as he looked away from me.
“Why didn’t you come back? If you wanted to, why stay away?”
“You’re not going to like the answer,” he murmured.
“Try me.”
“Carolyn.” He looked at the darkness, still avoiding me. I held back my eyeroll. Now was not the time for that. I tightened my lips and waited for him to continue. “We had that fight, remember?” I nodded, remembering the day clearly. “And after that, Carolyn and I had a long talk. She said I wasn’t choosing her, that I would rather be with anyone else. I tried to make her a priority. But that meant less time with my friends.”
“I knew that,” I muttered, still hating the fact that I lost him before Sylas died.
“Then, after Sylas died, it was her in to get me out. She took my anger and molded it. She said so many things to keep me away, and I, still wanting to be the perfect husband for her, believed her. I tried going to the funeral. I sat in my car and watched Lachlan, Rhett, Wyatt. They carried the casket to the grave, and I couldn’t help but think I was supposed to be there, too. I was just…” He trailed off, turning his head away from me to look into the darkness.
“Mad.” I finished his sentence.
He nodded and turned back to me. “And Carolyn…she was good at manipulating me. She said if you wanted me there, you would have called. If I was wanted at all…you would let me know. And when I got silence, I believed her.”
“But I did call you,” I interrupted.
He shook his head. “I swear to you, Abi, I would have been here if I knew. I assumed Carolyn was right. That because the link between us was gone…you didn’t care anymore.”
“The link? Sylas?”
“She said with him gone, the friendship we had was pointless. There wasn’t anything there to hold onto anymore.”
I muttered under my breath. “That’s the furthest thing from the truth.”
“It made sense. It was as if the entire Hartwell family was done with me. I didn’t hear from Lachlan for a long time, maybe two or three months after the funeral. I finally called him, and we reconnected. Come to find out Wyatt had told him about the whole chair thing, and he was respecting you. But, having him back in my life helped. Carolyn didn’t like that. Then, I had my accident, and she left.” He swallowed, the pause in his voice making me think there was more to the story, but I’d take what I could get right now. He was opening up, and I wanted to hear every word. “After she left, the rest of the story had to come out. She wasn’t happy for a while. I couldn’t give her what she wanted anymore—that lavish lifestyle. I was broken, and she made sure I knew that.”
“You’re not broken.” I placed my hand on his leg, gently moving my fingers against the denim. “Carolyn was a…” I stopped, pursing my lips. I didn’t want to talk negatively right now. I shook my head. “She can’t be the only reason why you stayed away.”
Cash’s eyes searched me. “You said you called, texted?” I nodded to his questions. “I never ever got a call or text. Nothing. I was pretty sure that after I didn’t show up at the funeral, you were done with me.” He licked his lips, taking a deep breath before meeting my gaze once more. “Like I said…I failed you. I knew I did I just didn’t want to think about it.”
“Why didn’t you call me?” I asked, my voice shaking.
“Well, how I saw it, not only did I lose my best friend, but also my wife, and then you. Like I said, I was pretty sure you were done with me.”
“I wanted to be,” I admitted. “I was hurt.”
“I don’t blame you for feeling that way, but Abi…I never ever meant to cause you any kind of pain. I wasn’t lying in the bar. I hate myself for making you think that, and I am so…so sorry.”
His apology struck me. Where, weeks ago, I would have screamed ‘too little too late’ in his face, now all I saw was him, and the pain he was trying to let go of. He lost Sylas, he lost Carolyn, and…me. For a while he even lost Lachlan and Rhett. This wasn’t one sided, this wasn’t all on him or all on me—we both made mistakes. It was time to right them. I tightened my lips and slowly reached out for his hand once more. He watched as our fingers intertwined, his thumb moving against the back of my hand in slow circles.
“I was in a dark place after Carolyn left me,” he choked out. “The physical therapy and months of healing…I did it all by myself. I missed you. I wanted to reach out. I wanted to hold you and just…have you. But then I would remember what Carolyn said. That I was weak, that no one would want me after I had lost everything I was. And I convinced myself that no matter what I did, you wouldn’t want me the same way I wanted you. I had to convince myself you were happy.”
“I wasn’t. I haven’t been for a long time,” I whispered. Admitting it for the first time out loud to someone felt scary. Cash’s eyes met mine. “I’m not alone by any means. But... I don’t have that one person anymore. He’s been gone, and the one…” I slammed my eyes shut, stopping the tears before they could fall again. “The one person who I wanted to lean on left. I was alone.”
“I’m here now. And, Abi…” Cash shifted, his hand raising to cradle my face. “I’m sorry I ever made you feel like I didn’t care. And I know that I’ll never be able to make it up to you. But I want to. At the cemetery…”
“We don’t need to talk about the cemetery.” I leaned into his touch.
“I said goodbye to him,” he continued. “I told him I wanted to care for you. I told him I wanted to watch Stetson grow, and I wanted to…God Abi I want to figure all this shit out and—” Lowering his chin, Cash shook his head, a heavy sigh leaving his lungs. “Be there for you. Always.”
I swallowed, feeling my heart skip a beat. “We both have some things to atone for,” I whispered, taking him in. “Five years of miscommunication we have to work through. Five years of lies, and loss and heartbreak.”
“I’m willing to if you are. I meant every word Abi. I’ve always had feelings for you. And I refuse to lose you again. I may not be deserving of you now, but maybe, if you let me, I can be.”
“What are you saying?” I asked, almost terrified to know the answer.
“There’s something here, and I think—hell, I know—if we work through this, we can find what it is.”
“I’ve been trying to avoid it,” I said softly, shifting my body to face him more.
“Avoid what?” His voice was soft as he moved. His hands went from my neck to glide over my knees until our fingers twined together. The contact sent that same spark through me, and those butterflies filled my stomach again. They flew like crazy, up and down and twists and turns. All because of a single touch? No, because of him.
“These…” Damn, what I was about to say was stupid. I shot up from the porch and leaned on the railing, keeping my back to Cash. “I sound like an idiot,” I muttered. “These stupid butterflies.”
“Butterflies?” I heard him as he stood, his heels hitting the wood, and then he was next to me. He didn’t reach out for me, he just stood and waited. Looking at him, I saw everything in his eyes. Every emotion, every touch, every kiss that could be mine. If I just let it.
“Abi…”
“No more holding back with each other. There’s more that needs to be said. I know, but…” I inhaled. “I can feel this too.”
“You held me that night. The night I jumped from the horse before the eight seconds was up.” I nodded as he spoke, remembering the way my heart felt when I saw him fly through the air. All I wanted to do was wrap him in my arms. “I’ve wanted you in my arms every moment after that, and I’ve wanted to kiss you numerous times. This…whatever this can be…”
“I think I want it,” I finished for him. “But again…”
“No holding back,” he finished for me, his fingers tracing my jaw.
This was happening. Him. Me. Us. Nothing left between us as both of our walls came crashing down.