Untitled
T h i r t e e n
y e a r s
a g o
“Come on Sisi!” Begged my sister Mahogany. “When’s the last time you watched The Cosmo Show from someplace other than the window?”
I lifted my eyes from the romance novel I had my face in and pushed my seeyers (glasses) up the bridge of my nose. “I can’t remember.”
“Exactly,” She said before snatching my book from me and tucking it into her armpit. “And that’s ridiculous.” Pausing, she shook her head. “Actually... when you think about it, it’s pretty sad, considering it is your bloomday, too.”
I sat up and crossed my legs with a sigh. It was sad. Very sad.
“You’re turning eighteen,” Mahogany continued, steady trying to get me out of the house. “It’s time to loosen up, Si. It’s a beautiful day, too. You cannot and will no t stay cooped up in this bedroom all day!”
Rolling my eyes, I swiped the floral drape hanging over the window to look outside. There were crowds of people, heading in the same direction. The entire ‘zone’ was trekking towards the hill, where the best seats for The Cosmo Show were. They carried portable lounge chairs, tuneboxes, mini coolers, and big, fluffy throw covers draped over their shoulders or around their necks too.
Shifting my attention away from the crowd and put it on the little blue house across the street. Instantly, my eyes found his . A cool breeze ran up the nape of my neck, making the thins hairs there stand. I swallowed and quickly swiped the drape back into position. Pulling my legs from underneath my bottom, I bent them and wrapped my arms around them.
Mahogany popped her lips and swiped at the curtain to look out of the window. “Worried about the crowd?”
Worried about him.
There was this boy. Well... ten years ago, when he moved into the zone, he was a boy. Today, he was a man. And he was... He was a lot of things but most of all, he was intimidating. I didn’t like him. Really couldn’t say I didn’t like him. What I didn’t like about him was the way he made me feel. He pulled me. He... made me feel things without any physical contact. Insane, right? Exactly. It didn’t make any sense. So, I kept it to myself. Had been since the day he and his family moved in. I’d rather people assume I was just... shy. I would rather deal with that than to deal with people calling me weird.
Instead of telling her the truth, I sighed and rested my head on my knees. “Yep.”
She took a deep breath and stood at the towerbed I shared with her and my little sister Hazel, in front of me. Grabbing my arms, she pried them away from my legs and gripped my chin to turn my head in her direction.
“I know how to fix that,” she told me.
I snickered. “Yeah, okay. How do you think you’re going to do that?”
With a smile, she bit her bottom lip and glanced over at the closed bedroom door. “Liquor,” she whispered.
“That’s your plan?” I asked with my brow lifted.
She smiled and nodded. “Yeah, and a damn good one too.” Pausing she reached for my hand, pulling me up on my feet to drag me over to the closet. “So, come on. Let’s get ready. Today is going to be a great day. We’re celebrating your eighteenth bloomday at The Cosmo Show. You only turn eighteen once! It’s the first day of the rest of your life!” She exaggerated.
Mahogany let my hand go and fingered through the unflattering clothes on my side of the closet, with her bottom lip pinched between her teeth, while I just stared at her. She had this hopeful, excited gaze in her eyes that made me pity her. There was no fixing my problem. Liquor would have worked if I was actually shy. I wasn’t shy. I was actually pretty outgoing. Before he moved into town, I was a bright-eyed, bubbly little girl. But... then they moved into the zone, and I changed because... the air around me and everything in it changed.
Liquor couldn’t fix that. I would be okay until he showed up. And he would show up because he always showed up. Everywhere I went, he would end up there. And that was where the true problem lied. I couldn’t relax because there was the anticipation. I didn’t look out of the window earlier because I was curious about the weather, or because I wanted to see who was heading up to the hill. I looked out because he was out there. Only looked over, because his eyes were on me. His eyes were always on me. Didn’t do any of those things because I wanted to. Did it because he... pulled me. Had been for a while. Some times, I ignored it. Could only ignore it if something else had my attention. Today , my novel , Tokyo and Haram: Solace, kept me distracted for a good thirty minutes before Mahogany snatched it from me.
“Your bloomday outfit, Sisi,” Mahogany pressed.
“I didn’t get anything. Mom bought me a new dress for Saturday service. Maybe that’ll?—”
“Sienna Mills, you are not wearing a church dress for your eighteenth bloomday,” Mahogany interrupted with a pinched-brow frown before taking a deep breath and turning to sift through more suitable clothes. Clothes that showed more skin. Hers. “Today, you’re a woman. You’re going to dress like the beautiful goddess you are.” She paused, looked over at me and smiled before shrieking with excitement. “Tonight, is going to be amazing!”
“If you say so,” I grumbled, fiddling around with my braid.
On cue, her eyes went straight to it. “And we’re changing that hair too. Call for the girls! It’s makeover time!”
I sighed and prepared for what I knew was about to be a draining day.
Hours later, I was dressed in an uncomfortable pair of light denim shorts, a sleeveless light pink shirt with a dainty white rose in the top left corner that showed too much cleavage for my taste and strappy sandals with a low, chunky heel that showed off my freshly painted pink toes. None of the clothes belonged to me. The sandals neither. The only thing I had on that belonged to me were the clothes underneath.
Mahogany stripped me of my seeyers and made me swipe them out for the falsies (contacts) I hated. She said the seeyers hid my natural beauty. I did look better without them, but I was a girl who was all about comfort. I hated the falsies. It always felt like I had something in my eye, because, well... I did! Anyway, Mo took the two braids out of my hair and straightened it.
I looked like a completely different person. So much like a different person that when our parents saw me as we were leaving, their jaws dropped. My father was concerned about my comfort and my mother complained that I was dressed too provocatively. Mahogany was dressed in a skirt shorter than the shorts I wore, but that wasn’t addressed. I got it. I was the quiet, quirky, reserved daughter. Well... that’s who I was supposed to be. Who I’ve always been. However, I was more than that. The only reason I was piqued as quiet and reserved because I lived in my mind. I was constantly thinking. And... feeling .
We made it to the Crescent Hill about forty minutes ago. The minute me, Mo, her boyfriend Duke, Hazel, and my best friend Naoki showed up heads turned and this time, eyes landed on me. For the same reason my families jaws dropped when they saw me. I looked different. In a head turning, jaw dropping way. Although I wasn’t shy, all of the attention made me nervous. I didn’t like it.
“Hell yeah!” Duke excitedly exclaimed. “I’ve been waiting for them fools to pull up all day.”
Mahogany sighed. “Please don’t lose all of your money to those Baptiste brothers today, Duke.”
Duke grinned. “I won’t.”
He was here. Made it about five minutes ago. I knew he was here before any of them noticed. I felt how close he was before I heard the rumble of the engines to their 1970 Grand Chevelle’s.
“Mmhmm,” She rolled her eyes and turned her attention to me. Eyeing me up and down with concern, she passed my cup back. “Here, try it now,” she said, after adding more juice to the cup of kodva (vodka) she made me the minute we settled in.
Naoki climbed down from the hood of her Nissan Optima . “Are you going to go up the hill with me to watch them play later?” she asked.
I shrugged and ran my hand over the back of my neck. “I don’t know, Nay. Maybe, I need to think about it,” I said with an uneasy giggle. Giggling... I did that when I was nervous. When he was close, I was always nervous.
She sucked her teeth. “Why not, Si? Please.I don’t want to look stupid just standing there with all of them.”
I leaned my head over to the side. “Now you know you’re too pretty to ever look stupid,” I boasted, to stroke her ego, so she’d leave me the hell alone.
“Si,” She pouted and placed her hands on her slim hips. “Come on, sis.”
“Don’t press her,” Mahogany butted in. She briefly locked eyes with me before she went back to fixing herself a drink. “Sienna don’t want to go, she don’t have to go. Boys are easy for you, ain’t they?”
Naoki was the only friend I had. To call her a friend would be an understatement, honestly. She was more like a sister. We grew up in the same zone and went to all of the same schools. We’d been inseparable since birth, first grade.
Naoki narrowed her eyes at Mahogany. “I was not trying to force her to do anything, Mo. What the hell do you mean boys are easy for me? What are you trying to say, Mahogany?”
Mahogany sighed and turned her cup up to her lips. “Naoki, I’m not trying to say anything. I just think you should take it easy...”
I tuned their bickering out and looked over my shoulder into the crowd. The crowd he stood in. The crowd he stood out in, rather. God, he looked good. My eyes immediately caught his, as if they were trained to find him. And not because he was breathtakingly handsome. Not because he had dark skin that seemed to glisten like diamonds whenever sunlight hit him. Not because he had long, eyelashes and hooded dark brown, almost black, dreamy eyes, and full lips. Jahad was very, very attractive but I wasn’t attracted to him because he was handsome. I was attracted to him because I was attracted to him. Magnetically. Energetically. I couldn’t help it.
Crescent Hill was packed with people, but we paid them no mind. He stood at the very top of the hill, looking down at me. And I stared right back up, at him. That didn’t happen often. I usually looked away. I was always the one who ran in the opposite direction whenever he would gain on me. It happened often. More than often, actually. Every time we were around each other. For a while, I wondered if he felt what I felt but after a couple of years of this, I stopped wondering because I knew he felt it. Otherwise, what would explain this ?
He held me captive. My eyes stayed trapped, stuck in his mysterious, tantalizing, dark browns. Time... sound... and life ... it did that thing. That thing its always done whenever my eyes got trapped swimming inside of his for too long. Things slowed down and the people around us? Everyone waiting for stars to shoot across the red, blue, and greens that covered our sky every day? They did what they always did when our eyes met.
They faded away.
The sound of my heart beating was loud in my ears. I could hear every breath I took. It was so loud. The only thing I could hear. Today... I was stuck longer than I’d ever been. I didn’t know how long we stood there, connected like that, with the wind blowing in my hair, and the sun against his dark glistening skin, inviting me. Pulling me.
“Sienna!” I flinched at the sound of my name being called.
Turning around, I met the smiling face of the girl from the eatery I stopped at after school whenever I had the money to.
“I can’t believe you’re here!” She exclaimed before throwing her arms around me.
“Hey Leighton,” I spoke, brushing her wild, golden hair out of my face.
Leighton was cool. I could call her a friend, I guess. So, in a sense, I didn’t just have Naoki. I had Leighton too. She started working at the eatery a couple of years ago. When she started, I immediately took a liking to her. And she took a liking to me too. Sometimes, if it wasn’t too crowded, I’d sit on the stools, study, eat and talk with her. She’d help me with my homework, tell me stories about university and art. I’d listen, with bright-eyes, in sheer admiration. To me, Leighton was amazing. Amazing with a big heart, and a smile that could light up a whole room. She was too big for the eatery. Too big for this place. Sometimes, I felt like she knew it too. I caught her gaze drifting off a few times, while she talked about art and school like here was the last place she wanted to be.
She pulled away and looked at me. “You look so pretty. Where are your seeyers? You decided to use the falsies? You’re wearing those shorts girl!”
I bashfully smiled and looked away, my eyes briefly finding his. As always. This time, however, I didn’t get stuck. I quickly looked back to Leighton with a sigh and placed a piece of hair behind my ear.
Leighton looked over in his direction. “Here we go,” she sang.
“What?” I asked.
“ You two ,” she said with a light smile. “I wonder if anyone else notices it,” She whispered, with her head slightly cocked to the side, looking up with mystery. She took a deep breath and looked back at me. “Whenever he would come into the eatery, you’d leave. Like... every single time. At first, I didn’t notice it. Thought nothing of it, actually. You’ve always been quirky and quiet so, I figured you were shy.” She giggled and gave me a little grin. “But then,” she wiggled her eyebrows at me. “I stopped paying attention to you , and I started to pay attention to him . He never took his eyes off you. Ever. His attention was always on you. So much that, if there was a time that he’d come in, and you were heading out, I’d stand back and just... watch. Lean back against the coolers and just watch him watch you until he couldn’t watch you anymore. Literally. Until you’d turn the corner onto Gilbert Ct. I didn’t watch just for the sake of watching. I watched because that was all I could do. Taking his order? Yeah right. I tried that once. The first day you ran off I stood at the register, asking if I could help him. Attempting to get his attention but..” She shrugged and looked over at him. “It was like he couldn’t hear me. Like…watching you took away his senses… well… all but one. Sight.” She looked at me. “Is it like that for you too?”
Watching me took away his senses. All but one.
Sight. What a perfect way to put it.
I bashfully shook my head and looked down. “I don’t know what you’re?—”
“Leigh-Leigh!”
I looked up from the grass, up at Leighton who’d rolled her eyes to the back of her head. She turned around and forced a smile. “Yeah, Farrah?”
“I’ve been looking all over for you,” Said who I presumed was her friend, Farr. She eyed me up and down and stood beside Leighton. “Who’s this?”
Leighton looked over at me and smiled. An actual one. With teeth and a sparkle behind her hazels. “Sienna. The girl I told you about.”
“Oh… the little high school girl?” Farrah asked, steady ogling me.
Farrah. I’d heard about her too. A lot about her.
“Little high school girl?” Leighton repeated with a frown. “I never called her that, Farr. She’s just two years behind us. But… yeah. She’s not in high school anymore though. Sienna graduated early.”
“Oh. How adorable,” Farrah mocked with a smile before taking a deep breath and turning away, disregarding me as if I was nothing.
I snorted but said nothing. I did that a lot. Kept quiet when people tried to make me feel small. Especially when I was in the presence of bitches like Farr. Mean girls.
I stayed to myself and didn’t socialize because he was in every circle and well… you know how that goes. I wasn’t a nerd though. Just someone who shrunk herself because she didn’t want to be seen. Seen in the way that Leighton had seen me. Open. Feeling. Fading. When he was near, at least. And he was always near. There was never a time that he wasn’t, really. We had to be in the same spaces. We grew up in the same zone. Although we weren’t the same age, me and his brother were, so we went to school together and he was there. All of the time. I couldn’t escape him. Not ever. Not while I slept. Not while I was awake. If he wasn’t around. I felt him. It was like... I was a prisoner, and he was my captor. And because I didn’t like to be seen doing... that. Being pulled. Being controlled. Doing whatever it was that we did to each other. I shrunk. I hid. It was embarrassing. She wondered if anyone else noticed. I wondered too. All of the time. Wondering kept me in the house most of the time. Wondering made me avoid people because avoiding people kept me from showing them what she saw.
“Adorable?” Leighton mocked with a light huff before turning to me with a smile. “ Admirable. She’s like a little genius.”
Farrah hooked her arm around Leighton’s neck, pulling her into an embrace that she clearly didn’t want to be in. She was nothing like Leighton described. The love she said they shared. How special Farrah was to her. I couldn’t see it.
My eyebrows slightly raised when Farrah kissed Leighton on the forehead.
Oh. Shit . They weren’t just friends. They were more than that. For some odd reason, it was clear that Farrah wanted me to know that. The public display of affection. The way she hooked her arm around Leighton’s neck. Just... it was a bit much for a simple conversation. Made me wonder if Farrah was intimidated by my ‘adorable’ ass.
Hmph.
“I guess,” Farrah dismissed with a sigh. “I need a drink. Let’s.”
Leighton rolled her eyes and gave me a sympathetic smile. “See you later, SiSi. Hey... Don’t leave tonight without letting a bit of magic happen, okay? It’s Cosmo Day after all.” She winked and right after, Farrah dragged her away.
“Bitch, I didn’t know you were cool with the bougie ho from the eatery,” Naoki approached and said with a frown, eyeing Leighton up and down as they walked off.
I giggled and playfully bumped into her. “I thought you would be happy to know I had a friend other than you.”
Naoki looked over at me with a fiery squint. “She’s your friend?”
I laughed. “Oh God!”
We shared a laugh, and I took a sip of my drink. “She’s nice.”
“You didn’t answer the question.”
“I think she’s a lesbian,” I joked, steady evading the question, just to annoy her.
“Sienna!”
“Yes?”
“Yes what? She’s your friend or...?”
I giggled and shook my head before leaning over and draping my free arm over Naoki’s shoulder. “Yes but you’re my best, best, best friend!”
She playfully pouted. “In the whole wide world?”
Laughing, I leaned my head against hers. “In the entire galaxy, you big baby.”
“Whew!” She exaggerated before we shared a laugh. “I thought I was going to have to beat both of y’all up. Now why do you think she’s a lesbian?”
On the short distance back over to where everyone else was, I told her about Farrah and the kiss. We were leaning up against Naoki’s car when, Mahogany walked over.
“You good, SiSi?” Mahogany asked with furrowed brows, concerned about me.
I nodded with a faint smile. “Yes, Mo, I’m good.”
Her eyebrows dipped a little. Nodding towards the cup, she said, “Have another sip.”
I looked down into the pink drink and put the cup back to my lips. Seconds later, Duke wrapped his arms around her waist and picked her up off her feet pulling her away, sending her into a fit of giggles.
Naoki took the cup from my hand and took a hefty drink from it. “Can you believe she said that to me? I’m good with boys. Why would she say that to me?”
She handed me the cup back and I took another drink. From the corner of my eye, I noticed her watching Mahogany, with a frown and tears in her eyes. If Mahogany knew, she wouldn’t have said that. She didn’t know, just like Naoki didn’t know why I didn’t want to go up that hill with her. We all had something we kept from each other.
“She don’t know, Nay,” I whispered. “If she knew?—”
“I know,” She whispered back.
Naoki had friends. A lot of them. She was the social butterfly. Very likeable, loud, and funny. But she wasn’t good with boys. Boys tried to get with her. All of the time. There were rumors spread about her, and because she was popular and constantly seen at all of the parties, people thought they were true.
At first, Naoki would defend herself and got into a lot of fights about it. But after a while, she stopped. She just let people think what they wanted to think. Naoki had been considered the boy crazy girl since we were thirteen but what people didn’t know was that Naoki was very afraid of men. Her Uncle Anton was to thank for that... But... we didn’t talk about Uncle Ant. Ever. But then there was this boy she started to like and well... she figured she’d take a chance on him.
I tossed my head back with a sigh, closed my eyes and pushed up off the car.
Facing her, I smiled. “Come on. Let’s go up that hill!”
Her eyes widened. “What?”
“ What ?” I mocked. “You heard me. Don’t tell me you’re scared. I thought I was the scary one. Today we bloom. Together.”
She shook her head. “Yeah I know but you really don’t want to. We do not have to?—”
“You better come on before I change my mind, girl,” I warned.
“Okay, okay,” She rushed, with a big bright smile, the tears in her eyes long gone. She grabbed my freehand and pulled me away from the car.
My heart raced as we headed in a direction I was already being pulled in. I shifted my brown eyes to the green, prickly grass to avoid eyes that I knew were on me. The closer we got to the crowd, the harder it was for me to avoid.As soon as I lifted my eyes, they met his.
He was coolly leaned up against his car, cup in hand, surrounded by people who engaged with him while he silently engaged with me. While we silently engage with each other . In the weirdest of ways. Ways I was sure neither of us could quite understand. Seconds ago, Naoki’s voice was loud in my ear but the closer we got, the higher we trekked up that steep hill, the quieter her voice became. This time, I didn’t get stuck. Wasn’t allowed to. Someone stepped in front of him. Blocked my view and I was thankful for it.
I swallowed and put that cup to my lips again. This time, taking a heftier gulp than before. Swallowed it down completely. I needed it. Because we’d made it up the hill. We were so close. I’d never been so close to him before. It was so much. Almost too much. How close we were almost sent me crashing against his chest. I would have if it wasn’t for her… She was in the way. But then she wasn’t. And to stop myself, I latched onto Naoki. Grabbed her arm with so much force that she was startled. Looked down at me with furrowed brows and concern etched on her beautiful face.
“It’s okay,” Naoki reassured me with a whisper. “You look good. It’s your bloomday. Tonight is going to be a great night. I’m so proud of you, sis. You should be proud of yourself too.”
Should I be? Did I have anything to be proud of? Maybe. I had conquered a fear. Jahad was about three feet away from me. But I wanted to be closer. I wanted to touch him. I wanted to feel him. I wanted to be inside of him. How? Why? I didn’t know. The closer I got, the closer I wanted to be. I didn’t want to run. He didn’t feel as scary. He felt good.
“Thank you,” I said with a light smile. “You should be proud too.”
“What do I say?” She whispered.
“I don’t know, Nay,” I whispered back, as we slowed our stride. “Just tell him you weren’t feeling good when he asked you out the other day.”
She really wasn’t good with boys.
Mahogany didn’t know how wrong she was about Naoki.
One of the boys from our zone had the biggest crush on Naoki. Naoki had a crush on him too but because guys made her nervous, when he approached her a couple of weeks ago, she was rude. She’d regretted it since it happened. And since today was a ‘special day’, she decided that today she would apologize to him and see if he was still interested. However, there was one big flaw in her entire plan—she wasn’t good with boys. Despite what it might’ve looked like... she just wasn’t.
“The truth? How do I tell him the truth? Just—what? Come out and say it or?—”
“Yes, the truth. You’ll be fine. Just... be your natural self. Be comfortable. Like you always are. And when the time is right... just,” I shrugged. “Tell him.”
Naoki lightly smiled and nodded. “Okay. I?—"
“Damn, Nay. Them shorts look good as hell on you baby.”
She looked at me with wide eyes before finally looking over her shoulder. Lucky her. She wouldn’t have to approach him after all. He was a couple of feet behind us. Naoki was like that; magnetic. It wasn’t just her looks that drew people in, she had an infectious, bubbly personality.
“I don’t know why you’re looking surprised,” I whispered with a giggle.
She bashfully grinned just as he walked up beside her. Before she could say anything, he had his arm draped over her shoulder. I noticed her tense up a bit and gave her a reassuring smile.
“Hey Denim,” she spoke. “Thank you. You all on my hair though, nigga. Dang!”
There she was. The Naoki everyone knew and loved.
He laughed. “My bad, baby. Come over here and blow on these dice so I can win and buy you some more.”
“Don’t forget you said that when you win neither,” she flirted back, with a grin.” Looking over at me, she quietly asked if I was cool.
I nodded. “Yeah, girl. I’m good. I’m about to kick it right here though.”
The dice game was too in the mix . Well... too close to him . I just... I needed a minute. It wasn’t just about him. It was about being seen... the way Leighton had seen me. The way she seen us . I didn’t want people to notice. I didn’t know what that would look like to them. She said it was beautiful, I could only imagine it looking weird.
She moved Denim’s arm from around her shoulder. “Hold on,” She told him before turning to me, “I’m not leaving you?—
“You’re not leaving me,” I interrupted with wide eyes, giving her a look. “I’m right here and you...” I nodded toward in Denim’s direction, where he was.... “You’re going to be right there.”
Naoki glanced over her shoulder. “Can you believe he?—”
“Duh!” I giggled. “Of course I can believe it. I told you, you’re that girl!”
She rubbed her lips together, biting back her smile. “You sure you’re going to be okay?”
I nodded, lying. I was a nervous wreck, but I couldn’t let her know that. The liquor served a purpose after all. I had a little more courage. “Yes, I’m going to be fine.”
“Are you going to come over?”
“As soon as I give myself the peptalk I don’t need from you!” I lied with a light laugh. “Go blow on those dice, girl.”
We shared a laugh. After about a minute, Naoki finally walked off and I turned around to gaze up at the mystical hues in the sky. The sun was setting. Pretty soon, at nightfall, The Cosmo Show would begin. People, all over, got together on the same day to watch the sky. On today, the sky was more than its usual blue, green and red at nighttime. Every year, on today, the sky… it did something. Something magnificent. It lit up with shooting stars, from various directions. Today, was the most magnificent day in the whole wide world.
Cosmo Day was all about intention setting. People got married on Cosmo Day, meditated... just about everything. Women prepared the most for Cosmo Day. Some even tried to make sure they had babies on the day... as if they could control that. To be born on Cosmo Day meant you were special. A miracle. Cosmo Day Babies were deemed the ‘chosen ones’. I wondered if that’s what it was. Wondered if it were true. I wondered if I was magic. Wondered if I had superpowers. Maybe it wasn’t him at all. Was it me? Did I?—
“Happy bloomday.”
The hairs on the nape of my neck stood and I tightened my grip on the cup, crushing it. He was right behind me. Wishing me a happy bloomday. Those two words were the best gift I’d received all day.
Hell, in all of my eighteen years of life.
A happy bloomday from Jahad Baptiste.
Simple. But not simple at all.
Turn around, Sienna.
I needed to. Wanted to.
He urged me too.
The racing of my heavy beating heart kept my eyes forward, with fear. But that pull... it grew. Quadrupled. Intensified. And before I knew it, I was twirling on the balls of my feet, being pulled by a force I was sure neither of us understood.
Finally.
For the first time since laying eyes on him, we were face to face. And everything around me slowed… yes, like before but absolutely nothing like before. I found myself trapped. My God was it enthralling. At this distance, it was as if I was staring into a dark ocean with me at the center of it. He was quiet. Stuck, as usual. I wondered if it was for him, as it was for me. Wondered if staring into my browns was like staring into a vast ocean with him in the center of it, too. Wondered if time slowed. If his breathing slowed. And if his heart had gone from racing to... steady in a matter of seconds... like mine.
His scent was invigorating. He was all I could smell. Gone was the intoxicating aroma of barbecue, chicken, ribs and hot dogs. He consumed my senses. I couldn’t put a finger on the notes. I could describe it as refreshing. New. But familiar too. I wanted to be closer. I wanted to lay my head on his chest and bask in the scent of him. I wanted to ball his white shirt up in my hands and bring it up to my nose. I wanted to bury my face into the crook of his neck and just... inhale. I wanted to consume him.
After what felt like minutes, but couldn’t be more than a couple of seconds, he grabbed me, pulling me into his chest. Right after, a football went zipping behind me, missing my head by just an inch.
“Ay, watch where the fuck you throwing that ball, nigga!” Jahad barked at one of the guys I graduated high school with.
Amiri threw his hands up. “My bad man, my bad! I didn’t see her!”
“Impossible,” Jahad mumbled, with his eyes back on mine.
I was in his arms.
He...
My God.
He felt so got damn good.
I—
I couldn’t put it into words. He... I... I had never felt anything like him before. I didn’t want to leave. In that moment, I didn’t care about anything I cared about before. Honestly. I was free. Completely. Nerves? Gone. Awkwardness? What they thought about us? Looking weird? None of it existed. Not even them.
“Hap—”
“Thank you,” I interrupted before he could wish me happy bloomday for a second time.
“You’re welcome,” he lowly replied, those brown eyes steady staring deep into mine. Penetrating me as if he could see through the depths of me. Soul deep, even. And with my browns, I stared through him the same. Searching for answers. Sifted through the mystery that was him. The boy that made me feel funny. The boy that pulled me without ever laying a finger on me.
Until today.
He didn’t just lay a finger on me... he laid ten. A hand. And I wanted him to. I wanted him to touch me... everywhere. I wanted to feel more of him. Before I knew it... before I could control it, I was melting into his arms. I didn’t know what it was, or how to explain it but I was immediately drawn closer to him.
I laid my head on his chest. And when I did, I exhaled.
He exhaled too, and tenderly enveloped me in his strong arms. He held me. gently, but with this... force. As if he didn’t want to let me go. I let him. I let him hold me. Because... shit, it felt right. It felt like I belonged there. It didn’t feel like we were meeting for the first time. It didn’t feel like I’d been running away from him. It felt like I knew him. It felt like we were in love. I was stuck. We were stuck. Like two magnets almost. Hard to pull a part. Like… when that positive finally connects with that negative. The force of it.
It was funny, right? How not even an hour ago, I was terrified of him. Talked about running away every time I saw him. Couldn’t bring myself to turn when I felt him behind me. But now… I didn’t want to pull myself away from him. It was the connection. It felt… amazing. It was bliss. It was… freedom. Like soaring in the sky. Weightless. Soaring, with the birds. One with nature. Free .
“You good?” He asked, his deep baritone voice vibrating against my chest, sending a warm sensation down my spine.
“Hm?” I flinched and pulled away. “Ye—yeah. Sorry. T—Thanks again.”
Wished I could stay like that forever. You know... stuck? Like magnets. With the beat of his heart against my body. His minty breath filling the air around me. Succumbing to that ‘pull’. But I couldn’t.
Reluctantly, I struggled to walk away but before I could, he grabbed my hand, stopping me.
“Nah. I’m not letting you run away from me today.”
Hours later, I was still with him, right beside him, sitting on the grass, a few minutes away from the start of The Cosmo Show. I couldn’t run away from him if I tried. Not that I would have anyway. I wanted to stay. After that first touch, I couldn’t imagine running away... ever again. That revelation... admitting that to myself... it made me a little nervous.
There was so much going on around us, but we were in our own little bubble, rarely interacting with anybody except each other. My sisters and Kiki checked on me a couple of times. Mahogany was worried, Hazel confused, and Naoki was a combination of them both. However, she was proud.
Hell, I’d done more than interact. I was in the middle of it all. With him. Today, I didn’t shy away from it. Didn’t use the excuse of ‘too much going on’. I just... existed, in the mix. And while, before, there was ‘anxiety’— all because of him . Tonight there was peace— all because of him. How crazy was that? The flipside of things? I stopped avoiding... stopped running... and there was peace. And to think... all I had to do was stop resisting.
“I don’t know why you fucking with this broke nigga, Nay-Nay,” Saint, the youngest Baptiste brother boasted. I looked over my shoulder at them. He blew on a pair of dice and tossed them atop his candy apple red Grand Chevelle. “You need to stop playin’ with me.”
In the middle of peace, there was a bit of that ‘chaos’ I didn’t too much care for. Just a few feet behind us, the dice game was going between the other two Baptiste brothers Saint and Blaise, Denim, Duke, and a couple of other guys from the zone.
Denim huffed. “Nigga, you wouldn’t know what to do with this. How old you is? Sixteen? Fuck out of here.”
Saint smirked but said nothing, before picking the dice up and tossing them out again. He shifted his eyes over at Naoki and said, “Give me a couple years. That’s all I need ain’t it, Nay? Couple years. I’ll show you exactly how to take care of her.”
With a light giggle, I looked over at Naoki. Our eyes briefly locked, and she playfully rolled her eyes. Saint was cute. Since he was about three years younger, she didn’t take him seriously. However, I could see how much she appreciated the coy banter. I could see him really swooning her. Out of all of the other boys in the zone, he was the only one who actually seemed to care about something other than what she had between her legs.
“Ay, cheri ,” Jahad whispered, swooning me with the simplest of Haitian Creole, lightly tapping my arm.
Looking away from Naoki, I turned my attention to him with a bashful smile. “Hm?”
He nodded toward the sky. “There is something I would like to share with you,” He paused. “Do you mind?”
I shook my head. “Of course not.”
Jahad was nothing like I expected him to be. He had a bad reputation. All of the Baptiste brothers did. But Jah was notoriously known for malice. Women said he was cold. Claimed he didn’t know what chivalry was and only cared about one thing. However, tonight, he’d been nothing but gentle.
With a nod, he gestured for me to come closer. When I scooted over he lightly smirked, shook his head a bit and pushed up from the ground. Before positioning himself behind me, he asked if it was okay to sit behind me.
I nodded. He tilted his head forward a bit and I took that as a cue for me to use my words.
“Yes, Jahad, it’s fine. You can sit behind me,” I said with a light giggle.
“Just making sure you’re comfortable. You did run from me for ten years, amou ,” he joked before finally positioning himself behind me.
I giggled. “Has it been that long?”
“Ten years, two weeks, five days?—”
I looked over my shoulder at him, taken aback. “ Really ? That’s pretty precise.”
His stoic expression softened to a smile. “I’m good with numbers,” he paused and winked. “Plus, that is how long we’ve been in town.”
I nodded with my mouth turned down, impressed. “Hmph. Impressive.”
His eyes softened and I followed them, as they slowly travel every inch of my face. “Impressive indeed.”
Did I mention how intimidating he was? Yes? I’m sure I did. Did I mention how much more intimidating he was to experience up close? Like this? Face-to-face, eye-to-eye... Oh. I’m sure I did that too. To experience it was next level. Jahad honestly took my breath away.
“You wanted to?—”
“I wanted to show you something... right,” He interrupted, finishing my sentence. He cleared his throat and flicked his wrist to check his watch. Delicately, he gripped my jaw and turned my head. “Look up for me. It’s beginning?—”
“It’s not. We have about five more minutes. When the north star gets its brightest and?—”
“Nah,” he interrupted with a light chuckle. “It starts before that. It starts with the moon. Look up, gorgeous.”
With lightly dipped brows, I put my attention on the moon.
Jahad leaned in closer to my ear. “Five seconds,” he mumbled.
His minty breath against the side of my face gave me goosebumps sending yet another warm sensation down my spine. Against my back, I could feel as the beat of his heart began to pick up. In turn, mine did too. I kept my eyes on the moon, marveling over how big and blue it was tonight. It was always its bluest on Cosmo Day. However, as Jahad began to count down, I noticed something more. It glimmered, as if it was a star, brighter than all of the stars around it. It wasn’t just blue. There was depth. There was variety. It was marbled in hues of the brightest shades of blue I had ever seen.
“Two....” he paused, and my eyes widened. “One.”
Lightly, I gasped. A subtle, soft white ring glowed around it. It didn’t last long, at all. The glow. It was quick. But I saw it and it was magnificent. If you took your eyes off the sky for just a second, you’d miss it. But that second, for me, felt like minutes. The Cosmo Show had been a part of astronomical history for ages and not once had I heard of such magic. How could I had missed this?
“To me, it’s the best part,” he whispered into my ear. His hands slowly gliding across my skin.
“You don’t like The Cosmo Show? The stars?” I asked, my breath accelerating every time his hand glid across my goosebump covered skin.
His hands traveled down my arms until they met the palms of my hands where he softly gripped. I lightly gasped as a subtle surge of electricity tingled through my fingertips and traveled through the rest of my body.
“The Cosmo Show is straight,” he flatly replied, with little to no emotion.
That was new. The Cosmo Show was big around here. When I said everyone around the world participated in Cosmo Day, I meant it. We made a big deal about it. It was a national holiday. A day of rejoicing. Celebration. A day not to be taken lightly. Magical in every sense of the world.
“Oh, Big Bad Jah... too cool to care about The Cosmo Show, hm?” I joked, leaning my head back against his chest.
He lightly laughed. “Nah, it has nothing to do with being too cool, amou .”
Sucking my teeth, I laughed with him. “Okay? What is it then?”
He was quiet for a bit. Too long of a bit. So long, I had to turn around to look at him. When I did, our eyes met. And I was lost there for a second. His expression softened and he stared into my eyes deep.
Ocean deep.
Jahad had this thing about him. A telling way of looking at me. I could always feel his eyes on me. If I were in a room with him, I always felt his eyes on me. When we were in our zone, in our circle, in a section filled with people, I felt his eyes on me. When I thought I was blending in... when I purposely shrank myself. When I tried to hide myself behind hooded jackets, sunblockers (sunglasses), or just... doing anything, anywhere. I felt his eyes on me. Before, it was scary. To be the focal point. To always be watched by him. But today, on Cosmo Day... on my bloomday, face to face, eye-to-eye, like this... close enough to touch noses.... close enough to touch lips... it wasn’t scary at all.
It was exhilarating.
No.
It was levitating .
The feeling.
Of his eyes locked on mine. To be the center of his attention... it took me off my feet. We were sitting on the hill, but we began to ascend. Slowly. Felt like we could touch the sky. If we stayed long enough. If we moved closer. If we met in the middle. If he dared to inch in closer. If I dared to let him... and his lips met mine.... we would.
At least that’s what it would feel like.
We’d be seated, still.
Held bound by gravity. But... like this... body-to-body, eye-to-eye.... I— we —felt boundless.
“Privilege,” He responded.
I drew back a little, confused. “Privilege? What makes that a privilege?”
He looked away from me. Just for a second, to gesture around us. “Look around.”
I looked away from him to take in everyone else. Nothing had changed. People were partying. Dancing. Smoking. Drinking. Playing games. Amiri and his friends were on the other side of the hill throwing their football around. Mahogany and Duke were dancing. Hazel and her friends were standing at a grill Ms. Debra fired up, having hot dogs. The dice game was steady going, except this time, it was Denim and Blaise in a heated exchange. Saint stood beside Naoki with his arms crossed, probably flirting, while she playfully rolled her eyes and hid her blushing. There was life going on around us. Just... life. Good times.
Which only left me more confused than before.
“Okay?” I said with a laugh and furrowed brows. “What?”
“They didn’t see it,” he replied with a smirk. “While they stand, waiting for the stars, we got to see the moon.” With that he winked.
I raised my brows. “ Hmph ,” I grunted. “Well... when you put it like that... it is a privilege. And you got to experience that every year.”
He ran his tongue over his bottom lip and shook his head. “Nah. I get to experience that every day.”
I laughed. “The Cosmo Show only happens once a...”
I stopped laughing, once I realized he wasn’t talking about The Cosmo Show.
He didn’t say anything... just continued to stare into me with those piercing brown eyes. I didn’t know what was happening. Didn’t know why it was happening. Didn’t know what we were experiencing. But what I did know was that I didn’t want it to end. Jahad had gone from the scary boy that ‘pulled me’ to the man I never wanted to part ways with. He felt so good. That scared me... not him. How much I enjoyed this. How good he felt. How exhilarating. The rush.
“What is this?” I whispered.
“I don’t know,” he replied before brushing my chin with the pad of his thumb, leaving tingles with every stroke. “I like it though. You like it too.”
“So much it’s scary.”
“You have nothing to be afraid of,” he reassured me.
“Okay,” I responded with a bashful smile, believing him before he finally closed that very small gap between us.
Fireworks erupted inside of me. I had never been kissed before. I was eighteen and the first pair of lips to touch mine were his. How insane was that? Around us, the world carried on. The Cosmo Show started, but for us, it had started already. We were okay with missing out on the stars shooting across the sky. We’d seen enough of that. We had our own Cosmo Show going on between us.