Chapter 20
20
BECK
“ G ood, now try it again,” I said, waiting for Ben to lie back down.
We’d worked on shrimping earlier, a basic move when you’re on the ground and need to make space or escape your opponent. He was good at that, moved fast, too. But now he was struggling to escape a mount. I didn’t think it was my size, because Ben was pretty big himself. I thought maybe he was having a hard time relaxing enough to make his movements more fluid.
I straddled him again and said, “Push your hips up.” He lifted his hips and lightly tapped the back of my upper thighs. “You can do it harder, you won’t be able to move me forward if you’re barely pushing,” I said. He thrust up much harder than before, knocking me off balance so I fell forward and had to brace my hands on either side of his head. “Good,” I said, hovering over him. “Now hook your arm tight around mine. Yes, just like that, good.”
“Jesus, you got so much muscle I can barely get around you all the way,” he panted.
I huffed a laugh and said, “You’re doing great. Now?—”
There was a loud bang from the far side of the gym, and I looked up to see Gavin glaring over at me from the weight bench he was sitting on. My gaze fell to the enormous dumbbell at his feet. I was guessing the loud noise had been him dropping the weight, and Christ, if he dropped that on his foot I’d fucking kill him.
Even though I wanted to go over there and slap some sense into him, I forced myself to focus on Ben. This wasn’t the first time Gavin had done something disruptive or attention-seeking when I was with a client, and it was starting to piss me off.
There were only five minutes left in Ben’s lesson, and once it was done, once he’d thanked me and scheduled the next one, I stalked over to Gavin.
I had a feeling I knew why he was being a little asshole, but I needed him to either say the words or do what had been in his goddamn eyes last week when he walked in on me naked.
It was like that honest moment in the car had never happened, and I was getting tired of chasing him every time he decided to run backwards.
I could barely believe what he’d said back in the car after we’d encountered his dad. I’d wanted to grab him and kiss him right then and there because I was so fucking proud of him for finally being honest—with himself and with me. For finally showing me he was still there. He was still him , somewhere. I wanted to rip open the rest of this facade he’d encased himself in and drag him out of there.
I knew he was scared, I just wanted him to say as much. To let me alleviate some of that fear, if I could. Maybe that was selfish, I didn’t know. But I felt like my control was wearing thin, and if he kept sneaking glances at me, if he kept torturing me with rare moments of sincerity and raw vulnerability, only to go back into hiding, I wasn’t sure I could keep myself from snapping.
Gavin kept eye contact as I stalked toward him, scowling like the brat he was. When I reached him, I bent over until our eyes were level, bracing my hands on my thighs, and said softly, “Is there a problem?”
Gavin’s eyes were like heated honey under the fluorescents. “No,” he bit out.
“I think you should use a lighter weight if you’re just gonna keep dropping them,” I said, lifting my eyebrows.
He leaned forward until we were nose to nose and said, “I think you should get back to your grope-fest.”
A laugh burst out of me before I could stop it, and Gavin’s scowl intensified when he leaned back. “You have a fucking black belt in jiu-jitsu, too, Gavin. You know better than anyone it’s not a goddamn grope-fest. Jesus Christ. Is there something else you’d like to say?”
He growled and shoved at my shoulders. “Fuck off, Beck.”
I was so fucking sick of this. “Come here,” I said, dragging him to his feet with my hand on his elbow. I picked up his crutches and pushed them into his hands. “Let’s go.”
“I’m not going?—”
“Oh yes you fucking are.”
I started dragging Gavin, forcing him to move or fall over, and good for him he chose to move.
“Let go of me, you fuck,” he snarled.
“No.”
My office was down a short hallway, past the bathrooms and water fountain, and I pushed Gavin in front of me. “Go.”
He stopped walking as soon as I let go of him, and I didn’t give him a chance to do anything else. I wrapped both arms around his waist and lifted him up off the ground. He dropped his crutches and kicked his cast back into my shin, which—fucking ouch . I grunted in pain and squeezed my arms tighter, making him wheeze.
“Get off me, you fucking Neanderthal!” He pounded his fists against my arms while I carried him into my office, then set him down. He caught the edge of the desk in his hand while I closed the door, turned the lock, and then faced him.
He was using the desk to keep himself steady, panting and glaring at me with an intensity that held far more than anger.
I took a step toward him, and he eyed me warily. “This is the fifth time you’ve interrupted me when I’m with a client. I gave you a job here so you could keep busy, and yet, you’re not doing it. Why?”
“Yes I fucking am doing my job, you prick.”
Most of the time, he was. And he did his job well, to be honest. He was diligent and efficient, a hard worker that didn’t complain. But he was also doing shit like this almost every day, and it was getting on my nerves that he was acting like a child about everything.
“Sometimes, sure. And then sometimes you drop heavy weights on the floor because you’re angry about something.” I took another step toward him, and he moved to face me completely, pressing his hips against the desk and holding onto the edge with both hands. “Wanna tell me why you’re mad, princess?”
“Fuck. You,” he seethed, fire in his eyes. His chest was heaving now, and some kind of anticipatory thrill raced down my spine.
“Is that what you want?” I asked softly, playing with all that fire.
Gavin launched himself off my desk with an angry sound that barreled out of his chest, turning his shoulder toward me and throwing his weight into my sternum. I let him, because I wanted him to get some of his aggression out. He pushed me back a step, and then ended up leaning into me when he couldn’t get his balance. He tried to hook his arms through mine and put me in some kind of hold, but I grabbed his arms, turned us, and threw him up against the door.
“You need to either tell me what the fuck is wrong or just stop acting like a fucking child,” I said, pressing myself into him to keep him against the door.
His face was flushed, his eyes bright and blazing as he stared into mine, and he snatched up the front of my shirt in his hand and tried pulling me toward him. “Hey, Beck,” he panted. “Fuck. You.”
Then he kneed me right in the sensitive crease where my groin met my thigh, probably going for my balls and missing. All the breath left me in a rush as pain speared through me. Gavin shoved me away from him and I cupped my hands over myself in case he tried to do it again.
Fuck me, that hurt. Before I could stop him, he lifted my right arm and shoved his head underneath, pushing his body against mine to balance himself, then grabbed my right leg and pulled it up until I was falling backwards with Gavin on top of me.
I was just glad the floor was carpeted.
He grunted as he moved over me, straddling me, his thighs squeezing my hips. Then he wormed his right arm beneath my neck while crossing his other arm over the front of my neck and locking them.
This fucking asshole. Now he was cutting off my air supply. And despite the muscle he’d lost, Gavin was still very fucking strong. Once he got me in a hold like this, it was almost impossible to get out of it and I didn’t want to hurt him trying. I tapped his arm as I attempted to breathe.
“No,” he growled. His teeth were bared as he held me down, his eyes burning into mine with a need so all-consuming that it wasn’t just his arms that were cutting off my oxygen now. Spots started dancing in my vision, but there was no space in the room to roll him off me. I would probably just break my neck.
And then I felt the press of his erection as he shifted on me, and a choked cough exploded from my throat. I reached up and grabbed a fistful of his hair above his left ear and yanked.
Gavin’s eyes rolled back and he moaned so loudly that I let go of his hair and slapped my hand over his mouth. He jerked his head away from me, rolling his hips into my lower stomach, then pulled his arms from around my neck.
He shoved his hands into my hair, gripping my head with both hands, hissed, “I fucking hate you,” and crushed his lips to mine.
Everything inside of me slowed, stilled, and then sped up so quickly it left me dizzy. I wrapped my arms around him, sliding one hand up his back to the nape of his neck, holding him to me as I kissed him back. Exhilaration rushed through me, and I felt like the room was spinning, the floor was opening up underneath me, and I was falling and flying all at once.
If he thought I’d ever let him go now, he was fucking crazy.
Gavin was as wild in the kiss as he was with everything else, and though his lips were soft, he was rough and aggressive as he nipped and bit and sucked and fucked me with his tongue with a desperation that had me groaning in pleasure. I grabbed his hair and pulled on it again, and he moaned into my mouth. My cock was so fucking hard that I couldn’t stop myself from moving my hands to Gavin’s hips and pushing him down as I thrust up, sending a heady burst of pleasure through me. I grunted as Gavin kept pushing back against me, kept kissing me, his hard length rubbing against mine, the most intoxicating rush of sensations pummeling me from all directions.
I couldn’t even believe this was happening right now. I was fucking dreaming, I had to be, but Gavin’s weight and the feel of his touch, his lips, were more real than anything I’d ever experienced.
Gavin’s movements became urgent, almost frantic as he rolled his hips over and over and over again, and I palmed his lower back, feeling him move with every thrust.
He whispered against my lips, “Beck. Beck . I’m gonna come, I’m gonna fucking come.”
I grabbed onto his ass with my other hand, squeezing and kneading to encourage him, every slide of his cock against mine sending a pulsing wave of euphoria through my balls.
“Come on me. It’s okay, baby, just let yourself go,” I panted. He slid his tongue inside my mouth in response, moaning and pulling on my hair as he rutted into me so aggressively that the desperation of it all sent me right to the top of that peak.
I could feel the pressure mounting, everything building until I couldn’t breathe at all. When Gavin ripped his mouth from mine and buried his face in my neck, when he whined and bit down on my pulse point, when he shoved his hips down as hard as he could, his cock throbbing with every spurt of his cum, the thin material of our pants making it feel like they weren’t even there, I threw my arms around his back and crushed him to me as tight as I was able while my vision blinked out as my own orgasm started.
It was the most intense thing I’d ever felt, and every muscle locked up as I stopped breathing. There were no words for the ecstasy that was bursting through me like a supernova, wave after wave of incomparable pleasure holding me hostage as Gavin whimpered into my skin. He let his full weight drop onto me, sinking into me as he trembled. I started stroking my hand across his lower back as the intensity waned and a languid laziness spread through my limbs. Gavin’s fingers were still threaded in my curls, and then he started brushing them over my hair, back and forth, small little pets that made my chest feel tight.
I wanted to live in the perfection of this moment forever. Of finally having Gavin in my arms, willingly, the way I’d always wished I could have him.
But I knew it wouldn’t last. It never did, with him.
Except, this time, it wasn’t because of Gavin. This time, Roman came pounding on my door, and all I could think in that moment was that I was grateful there wasn’t a little window in it. That Gavin could have some privacy.
“Beck! You got a phone call. What the fuck are you doing in there? And why are Gavin’s crutches in the hall?”
“Fuck,” I muttered as Gavin tensed in my arms. This wasn’t how I wanted any of this to go, and it was fucking wrong of me to have done anything like this at work, but it just… happened . And I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to turn Gavin away, no matter where we were.
“Beck,” he whispered, and his voice was so small that it drew that protective part of me right to the surface. All I wanted to do was make sure he was okay, that he would continue to be okay, and not deal with Roman or anything else, as irresponsible as that was.
“Just give me a few minutes, Roman! It’s an emergency!” I called. “Take a message!”
There was silence, and then Roman said, “All right.”
I heard him walking away, and Gavin didn’t move at all. There were tremors wracking his body, and I kept stroking my palm across his back. I let go of his ass and moved my hand to the nape of his neck, curling my fingers around the base of his skull in a firm hold.
“It’s okay,” I said softly. “You’re okay, Gavin. Nothing bad is gonna happen. I’m right here, okay?” His skin was so soft under my fingers, his hair slightly coarse. I didn’t think he was using a conditioner, and he refused to use mine.
There was a sniffle, and I sat us up. Gavin didn’t try and move off me, just wrapped his arms around my shoulders and kept his face buried in my neck. I could feel wetness there now and I knew he was crying.
It broke my fucking heart that he couldn’t do something like this without it shaking up his entire world.
It broke my fucking heart.
I let him cry, let him cling to me, and stroked his back as I murmured soothing words to him. I wasn’t sure how much time passed, but at some point, his limbs started to slacken and his breathing started to slow and grow deeper.
I felt like crying with him, honestly. I was blown away that he felt safe enough to stay in my arms, safe enough to drift off, even. I held him tight and kept moving my hand over his back, wanting to rip our clothes off and be skin to skin with him.
I wished we were anywhere but the gym.
There was a soft tap at the door, and as if Roman knew what was happening inside this room and understood what was needed, he said quietly, “We’re closing soon, bud.”
And then he left.
I pressed my nose into Gavin’s hair and inhaled, tried to catalog every aspect of how it felt to hold him like this, to have him be this close, this submissive, before it all ended. I was so afraid I would never get another moment like this one, so afraid that he would hide himself away from me for good after this.
God, I would do anything to freeze this moment.
I would do anything to have him be this vulnerable with me all the time. To have him not feel like he needed to keep his guard up, not with me.
I would do anything.
“Gavin,” I said softly, not wanting to startle him as I rubbed his back. “Hey. Can you wake up for me, princess?” I threaded my fingers through his hair and gently scratched his scalp. He made a noise in his throat, then took a deep breath. His fingers flexed against my back, and I couldn’t stop myself from rubbing my cheek over his hair.
“Beck,” he rasped. He sounded like he was still half asleep, and I tried to keep the anxiety at bay, tried to relax my tensing muscles.
“Yeah, I’m right here.” I said. “It’s time to go home now.” Gently, I palmed either side of his head and pulled him back. I needed to look into his eyes, needed to see what was happening beneath the surface.
His amber eyes locked onto mine. He blinked, as if he wasn’t fully processing what he was looking at, then leaned back.
And then he quietly and calmly broke eye contact and tried to get up.
“Hey, here, let me help you,” I said quickly, because he couldn’t walk on that foot and I knew he was about to try.
I was still bracing for the meltdown, for the panic attack, for some kind of whirlwind of a reaction that I would try to help him through, but he just said, “Okay,” in a flat tone that chafed at me.
It wasn’t quite like that first day, when he’d been lost in a void of apathy, but it held some note of detachment that made my stomach clench.
“Okay,” I said back, helping him stand up on his good leg, and then pushing off the floor to stand beside him. The dried cum in my pants was so fucking uncomfortable, and I was sure he felt the same. “Let me go get your crutches. Wait right there.”
I paused, not wanting to leave him even for a few seconds, then forced myself to move to the door, open it, and grab his crutches. Roman had propped them against the wall beside my office, and I needed to thank him.
I walked the crutches back to Gavin, who was just leaning on the desk and staring at a piece of paper near his hand.
“Here,” I said softly, holding them out.
He didn’t meet my eyes, didn’t say a word, just took the crutches and positioned them under his arms. He was staring at a spot on my chest, and when he took his bottom lip between his teeth and bit down hard, I wanted to pull it out. Rub it with my thumb.
Fuck .
This was yet another version of Gavin that I wasn’t familiar with—subdued.
“I have to talk to Roman for a sec, but just wait for me at the front, okay?” No part of me wanted to leave him alone right now, but I’d fucked up at work today, and I needed to explain this shit to Roman.
Gavin didn’t say a word, just started to move past me, but stopped when I wrapped my hand around his arm. “Gavin?”
“What?” he said in that same flat tone.
I swallowed past the growing lump in my throat, staring at the side of his face. “Nothing,” I said, letting my hand fall away. “I’ll see you in a few minutes, okay?”
He hesitated, and I watched his lips part, and then he shut his mouth and clenched his jaw, turned away from me, and left.
I rubbed a hand down my face and said, “Fuck.”
I followed him out, locked my office, then went next door to Roman’s. The door was half open, which meant it was okay to go right in without knocking, so I did.
“Hey,” I said, stuffing my hands in my pockets as I stood in front of his desk.
Roman’s light blue eyes bored into mine, like he was trying to read my thoughts. “You wanna tell me why you spent an hour and a half locked up in your office with Gavin?”
No. No, I didn’t.
“Sorry, Rome. Something came up and…it’s—I don’t know…”
“You in love with him?” He arched a black brow at me, and my heart practically stopped at his words.
“What?” I sputtered. “Don’t be ridiculous. He’s just—he’s having a hard time, and I’m trying to help him.” I scrubbed a hand down my face. “He’s not a bad person, Rome. He just…made some bad choices.”
Roman kept looking at me like he could read every thought in my mind, and even though I loved the guy, I didn’t want to stand here and explain my complicated relationship with Gavin while he was waiting for me and potentially crutching down the street in an attempt to run away.
He sighed and tapped his desk. “All right. Just don’t do that shit again. If this is what’s gonna happen while Gavin’s on board, we won’t be able to keep him. Okay?”
“Yeah,” I said, and I agreed. “Yeah. I’m sorry. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Yeah, fuck off,” he said with a smile.
I fucked off, and to my surprise, Gavin was still waiting for me.
I really hoped that meant something.