Chapter 32
Chapter thirty-two
Izzy
It's been a little over a month since the blind date, and Ander came back around like a breath of fresh air. I see life being brought back to Via more and more as the days pass. I'm so proud of her for giving in to what she wants.
I wish I could do the same.
"Hey, Babe, you almost ready?" Maverick asks as he approaches from behind, wrapping me into a hug.
"I really don't want to go," I say quietly, hating that the pit of my stomach is on fire at the thought of going back to Cole Ranch.
It's been years. After everything, the thought of seeing Jettson James Cole again makes me nauseous. I'd be a damn liar if I said I haven't missed him. I have. Now, after pushing him away out of fear so long ago, I'm in a relationship with someone else.
How do I even face him?
He was the first person to show me I was capable of love.
It scared the fuck out of me, and I hated that shit.
He had the capability of crushing me. I knew it then.
I still know it now. So, I hurt him before he could’ve had the chance to hurt me.
My feelings for him were unsurpassed and still are to this day.
Even so, despite everything I’ve said, despite my better judgment, I slowly find myself falling in love with Maverick. However, it's different.
It will always be different.
Things with Maverick aren’t slow and steady. Life with Maverick is chaotic and fast-paced. He breathes life into everything we do. His energy is contagious. He accepts only what I'm willing to give and doesn't forcefully push my boundaries. He is trustworthy and reliable.
It sounds like I'm describing a dog. In a sense, I am. He gives off total Golden Retriever energy. It's what makes me most comfortable with him. I don't fear heartbreak when it comes to him. I fear it for him. I never want to hurt him, and I'm scared, because I know I most likely will.
Hell, it's what I'm good at.
Things with Jett, on the other hand, were cosmic.
He set my heart ablaze and pushed every boundary I set in place.
He didn't go with the flow; he challenged it.
He took a scared girl, afraid of emotions, and made her fall in love.
He showed me so much about life and how simply beautiful it could be.
The sad part is, I wanted that life with him.
I ruined it all.
I have Maverick now. I should be happy. He's stuck by me when I've given him every reason to run. Literally, I've asked him to leave me alone so many times, and he refuses. He sees something in me that I apparently don't.
I should be happy with that.
I was.
Until Ander came back, and the threat of Jett re-entering my life became a high probability.
Now, here we are. Faced with the very thing I was afraid of.
"Babe, it's going to be fine. Via asked us to come; she apparently needs and wants you there. This is a lot for her."
Yeah, Mav. I'm quite aware.
"Yeah, I know," I say quickly in a clipped tone.
"Why don't you want to go? I thought you were happy that she's back with Bear now."
"For the love of God, stop calling him Bear," I demand. "I am happy that she's back with Ander. I just... Don't want to go."
"Is this because you used to sleep around with his brother?" His face holds no judgment, only concern for me is present there.
My mouth falls open, and I spin around to face him. "What do you mean?"
He shrugs. “I know you mentioned that you guys used to be fuck buddies. Babe, I don't give a shit. It doesn’t bother me."
Ouch.
I doubt he intended his words to sting, but they do.
I've always been the one who pushed Jett and me off as fuck buddies, but hearing someone else talk about what we had in that way, diminishing all that it really was, hurts.
Of course, Maverick thinks of it like that. He doesn’t know anything.
Neither does Jett…
How do I look him in the face after knowing what happened with our baby? After knowing he doesn't have any idea?
How? How do I pretend that I'm over it all…? Over him?
Yes, I have Maverick, and I’ve moved on, but has my heart? Has my heart ever truly let go of Jett? Fuck, I don’t even know the true answer to that question, and it has my head spinning.
"It has nothing to do with him, Mav. I just don't want to go. I will, though. For V."
Dessa, my close friend and coworker who holds a special place in my heart, hops out of Maverick's truck before it fully comes to a stop. The stars in her eyes as she takes in the scenery around us cause knots to form in my stomach, reminding me of all the time I spent here.
It feels like so long ago, yet also like it was just yesterday, at the same time.
Maverick gets out and instantly walks over to Ander, thankfully not noticing me breaking into shards as my resolve fades.
“This place is amazing,” Mav says to Ander. “I can’t believe you’d rather live on the shitty Louisiana beach. I’d move here in a heartbeat.” That manages to pull a laugh out of Ander.
There are so many memories here, all with him. They were some of the happiest times of my life, memories that still haunt me to this day, and I'm hit with them all head-on. Stepping out of the truck, the bottom of my shoe meets the gravel.
There's no hiding from the past here.
There's no hiding from what we never were and what I never allowed us to become. Not here. The sting of the wound that will always remain feels all too fresh.
Breathe, Izzy.
I can do this. I can do hard things. I can see him and keep it together. I can do this.
I silently chant the pep talk to myself, trying to maintain my steadily slipping composure.
Fuck, get it together, bitch.
Everyone is talking joyfully, and I hide in the background of their bustling conversations. My eyes constantly dart around, hoping not to see any sight of Jett.
"Iz, you coming?" Dessa calls out as she taps me on the shoulder.
"Huh?" I ask, confused, redirecting my attention away from the barn in the distance and onto her.
"We’re going to ride around the property. Are you coming?"
"Mhm," I hum with a sigh.
Cole Ranch is stunning. It's always felt like a second home. It was once my escape from reality, and then it became the reality I ran away from.
We ride around for a couple of hours, as Ander shows Dessa and Maverick around. There's so much to see here, with a new breathtaking sight at every turn. The conversations are flowing, and I try to blend in, but I know I'm failing miserably. I'm being quiet. I'm never quiet.
Ander turns the Polaris to the right, hedging us off the trails, and heads back toward the barn. It's then, there in the distance of the pasture off to the right, that I see him.
Jettson James Cole.
Well, I can't actually see his face to ensure it's him, but I know. He's on the back of his horse, that evil-looking fucker Bullet, and he's facing away from us. No one else seems to catch sight of him, but now that I've spotted him, he's all I can see.
Fuck, I need a drink.
We make it back to the main part of the property, where the cabins are. Ander shows Dessa to the one she'll be staying in. Mav raves to Via about how much he loves it here, and I remain quiet. I know I should talk, at least attempt to pick up the conversation, but I can't.
How is he? Did he ever think about me the way I thought of him? Does he hate me? Is he happy? I hope he's happy. Is he still as breathtakingly handsome as he was? Yes, of course, he is. If he ever finds out about the baby, will he despise me more than he already does?
The thoughts race through my mind like a rapid wildfire, showing no signs of taming.
Tears threaten to spill as the thought of our baby comes to the forefront of my mind. I hold them back with every ounce of control I have left, continuing to divert my attention around, searching the property for another glance at Jett.
Ander pulls up to the cabin that Maverick and I will be staying in. They both hop off and head toward the front door. I go to follow, but I'm stopped short by a gentle tug on my arm.
"Hey, are you okay?" Via asks softly, concern evident in her tone.
She's on to me. She knows something is wrong.
I keep my eyes focused on the field across from the cabin, trying to gain control of myself and my emotions that are beginning to overpower me.
I bring my hand to my mouth and nibble on my nails to distract my mind.
"Mhm, fine," I answer back quickly.
"Izzy, if something is—"
"I said I'm fine, damnit. Since when are you so invasive? Aren't you the queen of not sharing information?" I snap.
Via takes a step back from me, as if I physically slapped her. Regret fills me instantly. I hate that I snapped at her like that. I'm overwhelmed by everything flooding in and struggling to process it all.
She's the one person who's capable of seeing through my exterior armor, but I don't need her breaking through it on this one. Not now. I need to get it together, stay composed, and get through this week.
She gives me a soft smile. "I'm here if you need to talk, always." And with that, she turns to walk away.
Fuck.
"V, I'm sorry. It's just... There... are…"
"Hey, Iz, you coming?" Mav calls after me out of the cabin's front door, and I see Ander heading back toward the ATV out of the corner of my eye.
"I love you, Izzy," Via whispers.
I nod and turn toward the cabin to head to Maverick. Via and Ander pull out, and making my way onto the porch, Maverick wraps me into him.
"You okay?" he asks softly into my ear, placing a kiss on my neck.
"I would be if everyone would stop asking me that." My tone is dry and clipped. I shrug out of his embrace and enter the cabin.