Chapter 44 Izzy
Chapter forty-four
Izzy
Maverick swings open the first door and steps to the side, gesturing for me to walk in first. Curious, I do.
“Surprise, number one,” he whispers softly in my ear as I pass him by.
The sight I’m met with damn near startles me.
There are a bunch of cute pillows on the floor, spread out in a circle, all precisely placed around a cheese fountain and a chocolate fountain.
Also around them are various meats, breads, vegetables, and fruits, among other things.
The lights are turned down, and candles flicker throughout the space.
“A fondue date!?” I proclaim, feeling myself shelling up but trying like hell not to. I love fondue, and Maverick obviously put time and thought into this. Fuck my instincts.
“It’s part of it,” he says, all nonchalant.
“What’s the other part?” My voice goes up an octave as nerves flood my body.
He points to the other end of the room to a giant canvas lying flat on the floor. There are trays of various colors of paints surrounding it—the candles and the soft music that fills the room create the perfect romantic ambiance.
“Mav!” I nearly shout his name with the shock that’s running through me. “I can’t believe you went through all this trouble–”
“Psh!” He scoffs playfully. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, babe. Do you like it?”
“Yeah!” I respond, attempting to sound convincing, but my thoughts are winning.
Here he is, planning this elaborate date to show how much he cares for me, and I’m keeping secrets and feelings from him that are unforgivable.
It’s been a year, and Maverick still doesn’t know that Jett and I kissed. He especially doesn’t know how that kiss proved my feelings for Jett have never died. They still burn as bright as a guiding light.
It’s fucking confusing, and it’s absolutely consuming me.
I spend more time belittling and hating myself for my confused heart than anything else. It hinders a lot between Maverick and me. Where he’s ready to take steps toward our future, like moving in together, I’m finding myself regressing and taking steps backward.
Guilt is a bitch, and she’s eating me alive.
Maverick is a wonderful guy. He helped me to learn how to trust. He showed me that it’s okay to knock down some bricks off my wall and let people in, even if only a little.
He’s the safe bet. The one I know will never hurt me because he doesn’t have the power to.
That’s only ever been reserved for one guy, and apparently, he’s still the reigning champion in that department.
Unlike Jett, when it comes to Maverick, my only fear is for him… That I will be the one to crush him.
It’s fucking infuriating.
Maverick is perfect. I should want to move forward with him. I should want to bet on my heart's safety. Hell, any woman would be lucky to have him. Yet, he wants me. The one person incapable of giving him what he deserves in return.
“Wait a second. Can you please explain why I had to dress like this specifically?” I say, needing to change the subject. I motion to the out-of-character outfit he had me wear, which I have been graciously bitching about since we left.
“Oh, that. Yes... Take it off.”
“I’m sorry, come again?” My eyes widened in surprise.
“Take. It. All. Off,” he says firmly, with a huge smile plastered across his face.
Maverick is never demanding in bed. He knows I like to hold all the control. The fact that he’s trying to turn the tables just because he’s planned a nice date frustrates me. This is out of character for him.
A normal woman would love it. I don’t. Never have, and he knows this.
“No,” I reply firmly in a dry tone, coming out harsher than I intended. Fumbling for words to recover, I say, “Why would I do that here?”
Maverick looks taken aback but not annoyed, almost as if he was expecting my resistance.
“Because I specifically asked Marissa not to leave any paintbrushes. We’ll be painting the canvas... using our bodies.” His voice drops to gravel. “I’ve never been excited to paint, but now I can’t fucking wait, baby.”
I can feel my face fall in surprise, and blood rushes to my cheeks.
It’s so romantic and intimate. I can’t. Knowing what I’m holding in from him.
.. how? How, with a good conscience, do I go through with this?
I look up and meet the hope in his eyes.
It’s in that moment that my black heart grows even darker because I do exactly what he asks of me, despite the guilt suffocating my soul.
He’s gone through all this trouble to see me happy. I can’t let him down more than I already am.
He deserves more. He deserves better. I wish I could shut off my heart and give that to him, but life isn’t that simple.
Even more, I wish I could stop being so damn selfish and just let him go for his own good.
Tell him we’re done, and set him free. But my heart won’t let me do that either.
However different from what I feel for Jett, however much I hold myself back, I do love Maverick.
He’s helped me heal in a way, and now I’m scared that without him, I’ll revert right back to where I was before we met.
So, instead, I pull on my figurative mask and attempt to play the role that he needs me to.
God, I’m so fucked up.
Any normal person would just come clean. Yet, it isn’t that simple. Fuck, I wish it were.
Complying with his request, I stand bare before him as his eyes rake up and down my body, soaking me in.
“You didn’t argue?” he asks softly, taking a step closer to me, but he doesn’t touch me.
I shake my head, unable to meet his gaze.
“How is it that you can unmask your body to me but not your heart?” his voice holds no anger, just pain.
My eyes shoot up in confusion, meeting his, where I can visibly see the sadness he’s been holding back.
“I see you, Iz.”
I gulp, feeling entirely too on display. More emotionally than physically.
He nervously clears his throat, briefly averting his gaze before his eyes fall back on me. “Sometimes we just need someone to sit with us through the darkness and remind us that we aren’t alone. So, I’m sitting here, baby. Reminding you… You aren’t alone. Let me in, Izzy. Let me all the way in.”
“W-what did you just say to me?” I ask, voice cracking. I never told anyone about the day I fell apart, and how a stranger reminded me that it’s okay to not be okay just by sitting with me while I cried. “How? How did you know about that, Maverick?”
“Iz, I’ve been in love with you longer than you’ve even known who I am.” He sighs, stepping closer to me. “You were outside one of my parents' restaurants that day. I saw you, and I couldn’t just walk away.”
My brows lift high as my eyes widen briefly, and my mouth opens, but silence follows.
He continues, “It was when I saw you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and physically push through that difficult moment with a smile on your face, as if you weren’t falling apart on the inside. That’s when I knew you were something special. More than you probably even realized yourself.”
“Mav…” I hesitate, unsure what to say, emotions flooding me. “Why haven’t you ever said anything?”
He shakes his head.“Because I wasn’t sure if that moment meant as much to you as it did to me, so I didn’t know if you’d even remember.
” He hesitates, mouth opening, but no words forming.
Clearing his throat, he continues. “Then, we officially met in Arkansas and again on the app. It was like the universe was screaming for us to connect. You were so skeptical on our first date. And hell, I don’t blame you.
Our paths have managed to cross in the oddest ways.
None of it really makes sense to me either.
But I already knew. I knew you were the one for me, and life was finding a way to make us happen. ”
I swallow hard at his words, letting them sink in.
“Don’t you see, Iz? When things are meant to be, they always have a way of working themselves out. I didn’t have to chase you. We found each other. Every single time. That’s what soulmates do. And you, Izabel Landry, are connected to my soul in a way that no one else could ever be.”
Taking one last step toward me, our bodies now touching, he wraps his arms around my waist, bringing me in closer with our eyes locked on one another.
“I’m not sure what’s been going on lately.
But I see you. I have always seen you. I’m here, Izzy.
And I’m trying like hell to prove to you that we are a good thing.
But I can’t do that if you don’t fully let me in. ”
This should be the moment. The moment I know he’s the one for me. The moment that changes everything. The moment I release myself from the confines that restrain me from completely loving him.
But it’s not.
And I can’t.
There are too many unresolved emotions. Too many secrets locked in my overflowing vault. He thinks he knows and sees me, but like a coward, I’ve only ever given him glimpses, always hiding the dark, broken parts of myself from his sight. Out of fucking fear…
Fear that has its claws so far into me, there’s no escape from the secrets that feed it. From the secrets that I can’t share because if he sees them—if he fully sees me—what will he think?
Maverick loves me, undoubtedly so. I don’t question that for a second. But if I unveiled all the parts of me that make me dirty, he may not see the woman he loves. He’ll see what I see. Someone entirely shattered to pieces. Someone worth hating.
How can anyone see past the damage?
So, I do what I do best. The exact thing he’s asking me not to do. I give my body over to him, effortlessly, and keep my heart locked behind the walls that guard it.
I’m such a fucking winner.