Chapter 71 Astrid #2
“I knew if I reported the rape to the cops, it would make the headlines. Not because I’m an ex-footballer, but because female rape of males is so rarely reported.
I found a few older U.S. cases that had been reported globally because of the nature of the crime.
I don’t particularly want the world knowing what happened to me, but I could live with it.
However, I don’t want everyone knowing that’s how my daughter entered this world.
I don’t want Darcy ever knowing. I don’t want her thinking I don’t love her completely and fully.
I don’t want her ever feeling less than.
” He throws back his head and sighs before meeting my gaze.
“As it is, it’s going to be difficult explaining how her mother didn’t want her and that she wasn’t born of a loving relationship.
I never want her to know she’s the product of rape, but I won’t lie and pretend I loved her mother. ”
A lump forms in my throat. “I fully understand that, but what about justice for you? Justice for Tonya and Mara?”
“Tonya’s killer is dead, and Gwen’s behind bars. She’s out of our lives, and that’s enough for me.”
“What was the deal you made?” I ask again.
“We both had leverage over the other, so we were at a stalemate. At this time, she was fucking this footballer on loan to Thamesford from L.A. Galaxy, and I suspected she had identified her next target. I was injured, and the prognosis wasn’t good.
The gravy train was coming to an end, and she knew I loathed her.
I’d never given in to any of her seduction attempts, and it was obvious to anyone watching that I couldn’t stand her.
So, I told her I’d give her half a mil if she signed away her parental rights to me and agreed never to come near me, Darcy, you, my family, and friends ever again.
I told her we’d be taking out restraining orders and I’d have her arrested if she showed her face.
The deal was she couldn’t return to Vermont or move to Ireland.
If she reneged, I would hand the evidence over to the cops.
If I broke the terms, she would do the same with her evidence. ”
“And you believed she’d stick to the terms?”
“I hoped she’d sink her claws into the L.A.
baller, but he wised up fast, and that relationship was over within a year.
I spent the next two years before she was locked up constantly looking over my shoulder.
She’d reached out, looking for more money, but there was none left.
I called her bluff; said I’d send the evidence if she dared approach me again.
That was the last contact I had with her.
It was only after she went to jail that I started properly healing. ”
I tuck my hair behind my ears. “You mentioned a therapist earlier. Did therapy help?”
“Ma begged me to go, but I refused at first. I tried numbing my pain with alcohol, withdrew into myself, focused on looking after Darcy, the lake project, and work. But I was a wreck. Mum broke down, and I went to see Dorian for her. He specializes in rape trauma, and he’s counseled male clients before.
I went to him regularly for years, and I’ve had a few sessions since you returned to town. ”
My heart sinks thinking I’ve caused him pain. “I’ve brought back bad memories?”
“You’ve brought back all the good ones.” His hand reaches for my face, but he pulls it back before he makes contact. “But yes, I’ve been thinking about it all again because I wanted to tell you, and he’s been supporting me. It feels good to tell you this now.”
“Why not before? I get that you were not in a good place mentally at first, but what about later?”
“I actually went to New York to find you when Darcy was two. Though I wasn’t in a great place, I wanted to see you.
You needed to know about the evidence she had on you.
I planned to tell you so you could decide what you wanted to do.
Except for the rape, the rest of it concerned you, and you had a right to make the decision.
You weren’t easy to locate online, but my PI found you, and I showed up at your workplace, hiding across the road, waiting for you to come out. ”
I frown. “I didn’t even see you.”
Sadness crests over his handsome features. “You came out with a guy. His arm was around you, and you were laughing. He pushed you against the wall and kissed you, and I could tell you were happy.”
“I wasn’t. Not really. I was doing my best to move on, but it was all surface-level.
Jeremiah was a work colleague and the first guy I’d dated since you.
We went out for four months before I ended it the instant he told me he loved me.
I didn’t love him. I still loved you even after everything that happened.
I hated myself for being so fucking weak, but my heart never got the memo.
I had a succession of short relationships like that, and I never let any of them get serious.
I never trusted any of them with my heart until Seán. ”
“Well, you seemed happy. It pained me to walk away, but I did it for you. I didn’t want to hurt you again, and I knew the evidence would devastate you.
” He runs his tongue across his teeth. “But I couldn’t stop thinking about how it felt wrong to keep it from you, so I flew to Sweden and met with your parents. ”
I’m so shocked I drop my bottle, and water splashes all over me, the couch, and the hardwood floor. “What? Are you saying my parents know?”
He hops up, lifting me off the couch and over the water puddle on the floor. “They know some of the story. Stay there. I’ll grab a towel and something for you to wear.”
I’m rooted to the spot after Callan runs off, and my mind is officially scrambled. Fan i helvete. What other bombshells is he going to drop? Hurt pummels my chest, but I try not to overreact until I’ve heard the rest.
After I change out of my sodden dress into one of Callan’s T-shirts, I crawl back on the couch, using the blanket he provides to cover my lower body.
Sharing the truth has been intimate, and though I’ve reached out to comfort Callan, because it was the right thing to do, I haven’t forgotten about Seán, and I don’t want to do anything that might seem like a betrayal.
“I can’t believe my parents have known and they said nothing.”
“They were trying to protect you, the same way I tried.”
I stretch out my legs under the blanket, careful not to brush my toes against Callan’s legs. “What exactly happened?”
“I met them at their house in Ystad. Beautiful place, by the way. No wonder you loved spending summers there.”
“Callan.”
“I didn’t tell them about the rape. I didn’t want to tell them before I’d told you.
However, I told them everything else. They know about the pictures, the videos, and Tonya’s murder.
They know I never wanted Gwen, and she tore us apart out of jealousy.
I told them I’d gone to see you, but didn’t know if telling you was the right thing.
They asked me not to say anything. To keep the evidence safe.
They said you were finally healing and moving forward, and they were afraid knowing this would set you back.
They were worried Gwen would try to frame you for Tonya’s murder, but agreed with me that we had to keep it all hidden for now. They didn’t think…”
I sit up straighter. “Didn’t think what?”
“They weren’t sure if you could ever accept Darcy.
They felt asking you would be too much. There were tears, and they told me how sorry they were it had all ended up like this, but they said if I truly loved you, I needed to let you go.
Your dad said if we were meant to be, things would work out, but I had to leave it to fate. ”
I’m so conflicted because the thing is, I don’t know if I could accept Darcy.
She seems sweet, and she’s a part of Callan, but she’s also a part of Gwen, and I’m reminded of that every time I’ve seen the child.
Which I know isn’t fair. She is a victim too, but I can’t help how I feel.
“I understand my parents did what they thought was right, but they should have told me. I’m pretty pissed with them right now. ”
“Try not to be. They love you so much. I called your mom a few weeks ago and told her I was planning to tell you everything. She told me to tell you they knew. She said it was time it all came out.”
“They should have told me. Maybe then…maybe everything would be different,” I whisper because even saying it feels like a betrayal to my fiancé.
Listening to Callan telling me what really happened has blown my mind wide open, and I’m feeling so many things.
Sitting here in his house, talking with him, even if it’s about the most harrowing things, feels like old times.
It feels right.
I bury my head in the sofa and curl my knees into my body, squeezing my eyes tight.
“Are you okay?” he softly asks.
“No, Callan.” I turn to face him, struggling to hold back tears.
“I’m not okay. I’m not okay with what she did to you.
What she did to Paige. She stole you from me.
She stole our future, and while I was trying to pick up the shattered pieces of my heart, hating you for an abandonment and betrayal that never happened, you were suffering all alone. I don’t know how to handle all that.”
“Don’t cry, baby, please.”
“You can’t call me that,” I sob, clinging to the leather.
“I’m sorry. It’s too easy to slip with you.”
“Was there anyone else?” I rest my cheek on the couch as I face him, drying my tears. Gawd, I’m so sick of crying. I’ve been doing far too much of it lately.
“Never.” He rubs a hand along his stubbly jawline.
“It was four years after I lost you before I even kissed another woman, and I hated it because she wasn’t you.
Around that time, I was struggling again.
We’d moved here, and while it was everything I’d wanted and I loved it, it felt empty without you.
I spiraled again. Fell into a dark place.
Started going out to Burly at weekends, having casual sex with nameless, faceless people.
I was numb to it all, and the first time I was with someone, I couldn’t even get it up because I was all up in my head.
So, I’d drink myself into a stupor and find some stranger to fuck.
It meant nothing. It wasn’t even enjoyable.
Dorian said it was my way of trying to take back control of my sexuality.
I stopped doing it after three months because it wasn’t helping.
I felt emptier inside, even more lonely.
The only one I wanted was you, and if I couldn’t have you, then I was fine with being single and celibate. ”
“Are you saying…”
“That I haven’t had sex in three, almost four, years? Then yeah.”
“I’m engaged to someone else.” It feels like the right time to say this because this conversation is veering into dangerous territory.
“I don’t need the reminder.” He stares up at the ceiling. “Trav never agreed with your parents. He has encouraged me these past few years to go find you again, but I left it too late.” His eyes probe mine. “So much for fucking fate.”