Chapter 52 #2
“I can’t. You asked me why I’m still here and I’m about to tell you.
If you still want to know?” I let the question hang in the air and after a moment he gave me the barest of nods.
I tried to swallow my nerves. When I’d designed the Evergarden, I’d designed it for him, but I hadn’t imagined actually telling him about it.
To lay my heart out for a man like Alfie was a terrifying thing.
What if he didn’t like it? What if he didn’t feel the same?
I wrapped an arm across his chest, holding him close, and the other I sunk into his hair where it idled, gently stroking.
His head wouldn’t quite rest on my shoulder—every inch of him seemed poised to either run or attack—but I swallowed my fear and forged ahead, deciding that if he was going to shoot down my offering, then at least I’d been brave enough to try.
“When I was little and my mum gave me my bleeding heart necklace, she told me what the tiny flower meant, and how her gift of it to me would be eternal proof of how much she cared for me. So, I took a page out of her book and I made something for you. Shall I tell you about it?” His grip tightened on my thighs but he nodded again.
“Close your eyes.” It took a moment, but he finally closed them, his jaw still ticking and his brows furrowed.
“Imagine you’re at Harrington House. Imagine you’ve been at work all day, you haven’t been able to see me.
That cold deadness I’ve seen on your face so many times has settled deep into your gut, and your mind swarms with the memories that haunt you.
I want you to imagine you’re standing on the cold patio at the back of the House.
You descend the steps and leave it behind you.
You walk down the grass slope towards the dilapidated garden plot that you, Alfie Tell, gave to me.
” My voice came in a breathy whisper, barely loud enough to echo.
As I spoke, his head slowly lowered to rest against my shoulder. I pulled him in closer as I continued.
“You find the gap in the trees that once hid old stone steps that were as broken as a cold heart. I took those broken steps, pulled them out, and in their place I created new steps made of earth and soft grass. You take off your jacket, your waist coat and tie, and your shoes.” I planted a soft kiss at his temple and felt my own chest loosen as his breaths came easier.
“Over each step is a ten foot tall flower circle, covered with jasmine climbers interspersed with climbing roses. You descend the steps in bare feet, walking through each flower circle where bees hover, and your fingertips brush against the tiny white petals of the jasmine. The steps disappear you into a woodland cove, transporting you from the dark things hidden at the back of your mind and into the living, thriving place that can tell you everything I don’t have the courage to say yet.
” I wondered if he could feel my heart hammering out of my chest. Never in my life had I laid myself out like this.
“At the bottom of the steps you find a curving path, not made from hard gravel but instead from a bed of sweet honeysuckle that takes you into a paradise extracted from my heart and planted out just for you. You leave behind the dull grey existence and are blasted into my world of colour. As you walk, either side of you you find a blended sea of yellow pansies and violet blue forget-me-nots. Their sweet aroma, combined with the honeysuckle and jasmine, fills the air. You breathe it in and it soothes you, easing the knot in your stomach and the tightness in your chest. It reminds you of my lips on yours, my arms around you, the affection in my eyes.” My words wove around him like a spell, charming the tension to leave his body, his eyes to close, and the darkened planes of his sculpted face to smooth out into softer angles.
“You follow the path until it brings you to the centrepiece: a family of white lilies, proud and serene, nestled in a raised, moss-covered stone platform, and at the base, a large bed of bleeding hearts in pink, white, and red. You crouch down, Alfie. You admire the delicate petals and think of how many times you’ve gifted those flowers to me.
You imagine how I buried my nose in every bouquet and felt my heart grow larger with your attention.
You take a moment to soak in those memories allowing the good ones to erase even more of the bad, and then you stand, because there’s more to see.
So much more,” I whispered and smiled as his iron tight grip on my thighs loosened.
“The honeysuckle path continues on and the seabed of pansies and forget-me-nots morphs into waves of bluebells and daffodils. You walk amongst them, the path curving to the right until it leads you to a proud cherry blossom tree. It sways in the breeze, and its pale pink blossoms fall and float, coming to rest on the water lily-littered surface of the pond beneath. The path takes you around the water’s edge and you catch a glimpse of a koi fish, its bright colours flashing in the sun-filled water.
There’s room for you under the tree. You could even climb its branches if you wanted, but this time you sit underneath it and look out at the garden, our Evergarden , that I made for you.
Do you feel my heart, Alfie?” I whispered, as soft as a secret.
“Just as my mum picked the bleeding heart especially for me, I chose all of these plants for you. The jasmine means sensuality and faithfulness, the honeysuckle path means devoted affection and a happy life too. The pansies mean that I am thinking of you, and forget-me-nots mean so many things, but in this garden they mean fidelity and loyalty despite separation. They are reminders too, of happy times, and a symbol of growing affection between two people.” I paused, my heart pounding so hard at my speaking its innermost workings aloud.
Was I really doing this? Was I really putting my heart in the hands of a man who could shred it so easily?
Yes, yes I was, and I wouldn’t stop now.
“The bed of white lilies means that my feelings are pure and the bleeding hearts…well, I think you already know about those. Bluebells are for constancy and daffodils are symbolic of honesty and truth. The cherry blossoms are for kindness and gentleness and the water lilies mean that I’m pure of heart.
These flowers can speak what I’m not ready to say, but mostly, they say that whatever I choose, the Evergarden, like my heart, is yours.
For good or for bad, you have them both.
” His breath caught at my final words and I knew he’d felt their impact.
I couldn’t speak any more after that and we slipped into a serene silence, he wrapped in my arms, both of us wrapped in the setting sun.
I felt a part of him was gone from me now but it wasn’t to the cold dark place he usually went, it was to the haven I’d just created.
His body was completely relaxed, his breathing easy and calm, the planes of his face smooth and unconcerned by anything.
I held him in my arms as he floated and I watched as the sun finished its work for the day and the moon clocked in for its shift.
I didn’t know how much time passed before my eyes began to drop and I felt him stir and turn in my arms. He said nothing and neither did I, because no more words were necessary. Instead, as if he’d been doing it for years, he lifted me and I clung to him as he carried me to bed.