Chapter 73
Seventy-Three
O n Friday morning I drove my old van into work and opened up the cabin for the last time.
“Surprise!” A harmony of voices hit me and I squealed in shock, my eyes wide at the sight of the cabin filled with my colleagues.
The girls from the cafe held my favourite Death by Chocolate cake, which Daisy was eyeing with interest. The shop assistants and growers were holding a huge sign with ‘Good Luck!’ painted on it.
Rosie was openly weeping and threw her arms around me.
Only Bradley and Mark were nowhere to be found.
I spent the next hour being passed from hug to hug with one well wish after another.
In all the madness over the last few weeks, the impact of leaving these people had gotten buried in the box of things I didn’t have room to deal with, but now that it was here, the pain was sharp, yet it felt right to be leaving.
I was never supposed to be here forever.
A while later my colleagues began to filter out one by one, returning to their duties.
When they had all gone, I looked around my empty cabin.
I was glad Mark wasn’t here. I felt unsure of what to do with myself.
The bulk of my work was pretty much done and I…
I was ready to break ties with this place.
I needed it over with now, and I needed Alfie.
After today, it would just be him and I.
I spent the rest of the day tying up loose ends—sending final documents, shutting down my email, and clearing out my desk. As the end of the day approached, my last task was to clear out my van before handing the keys over to Rosie.
Armed with cleaning supplies, I set about the unpleasant job.
An hour later, I’d scrubbed every inch of my faithful old van.
Every food wrapper and Starbucks cup had been stuffed into a bin bag until there was no sign I’d ever been there.
Stupidly, I found myself feeling sad at the thought of parting with my stuttering, grumbling companion.
I shook that off and did a final sweep. I checked the door compartments and emptied those too, then flipped open the dash.
A pile of receipts, old MOT documents, tissues, and chocolate wrappers poured out.
I stuffed them into the bin bag, frowning as the ever shrinking pile gave me the niggling feeling that something wasn’t right.
When I finally realised what was bothering me, my heart began to beat a little faster.
Where were they?
I looked in the bag full of rubbish as if they might suddenly appear.
My stomach turned over.
Panicked, I dropped the bag and emptied the dash entirely, shaking out every document and wrapper. My pills. They weren’t here. I went through the bag again but…no, no, no…
“Miss O’Connell?” I jumped out of my skin and spun to find Mike standing behind me.
“I apologise, I didn’t mean to frighten you.
Would you like me to carry that rubbish to the bins for you?
I would have approached you sooner but Mr Tell told me to keep my distance whilst you’re working. ” His tone was even, unnerving me.
I paused. My racing heart seemed stuck in my throat, halting my words. I took a deep breath and plastered a smile on my face.
“That’s okay. I can do it.” He eyed me for a moment. His gaze was sharp and shrewd. It mimicked Elliot exactly, except there was no hint of kindness in this man’s eyes. This man worked for Mr Tell and didn’t give a good goddamn about me.
My pills had been stolen out of my van. Elliot had driven my van multiple times, but just two days ago I’d left this man alone with it while he moved Keira’s things for me.
I itched to accuse him but I held it back.
My stomach turned over again and fear crept up my spine.
Could I be overreacting? I had to be sure before I started throwing accusations around.
“Is everything alright?” he asked, his gaze sweeping over me.
No, everything is very much not alright.
“Of course. I don’t need any help though, thank you.” He eyed me for another moment before giving me a stern nod and returning to his car. With trembling hands, I cleared up my van, locked it, and dumped the bin bag in the industrial bins before heading back to my cabin.
I was trying so hard not to think what I was thinking, to avoid stepping onto this road that I’d fought so hard to avoid.
My handbag sat on my desk, waiting to tell me what the ghost of me already knew but Alfie’s new Lola had refused to believe.
My palms were sweating as I opened my bag and unzipped the inner pocket where just a few days ago I had hidden one of three sets of pills.
My knees buckled and I sank into my chair. It was empty.
No, no, no…
He couldn’t have.
He wouldn’t.
Alfie…
‘I trust you with my body.’ I had said it more times than I could count. I shook, my body a volcano, my anger and fear rumbling like lava threatening to erupt out of me.
Without thinking, I grabbed my bag. I was suddenly sick of this damned cabin. Sick of who I was in this place, sick of myself .
I locked up and spotted one of the growers pushing a wheelbarrow towards the perennial greenhouse.
I called over and tossed them the keys for the cabin and the van, asking them to pass them on to Rosie.
Then I scanned the car park until I found Mike leaning against his car.
I headed straight for him, walking past my old van without another glance.
“Take me home,” I told him and threw myself into the back seat, not missing Mike tapping on his phone before he got behind the wheel.
I saw Bradley as we turned out of the car park. His gentle eyes found mine but before I could muster a smile, he turned away and moved on.
‘Just because salt looks like sugar doesn’t mean it isn’t salt.’
He’d warned me. He’d fucking warned me. Shame burned me as I remembered every time I’d defended Alfie.
Just slow down, Lola. You have to be sure.
I squeezed my arms around myself, willing my torso not to split down the middle. Maybe it was an accident…maybe…maybe a thousand things I couldn’t think about right now.
My nephew jumped into my arms when I got home and I kissed him quickly before running upstairs. They had to be there. They had to be.
I yanked open my underwear drawer and my heart dropped into my stomach. I hadn’t noticed them missing this morning. How had I not noticed? I searched frantically but nothing, they weren’t here. He’d been in my room—that man, Mike , when he moved Keira’s things.
I sank to the floor, fighting to keep my breathing steady. I whimpered as the pain of betrayal threatened to engulf me.
Alfie…
Numb, I pushed to my feet and let them guide me to the place I always went when I felt like I was drowning.
My Memory Garden lay serene, unaffected by this new devastation wrought on my life. Shame burned bright, covering me in a thin sheen of sweat. I had allowed this to happen. Just like with Adam, I had ignored every single warning sign and now…
“Mum…” I leaned against the wedding cake tree and pressed my hand to the patch of earth that covered her ashes. I needed her. My other hand clasped around my necklace, holding on for dear life. “What do I do?”
I couldn’t breathe without him. His grey eyes haunted me, piercing my mind and willing me back to him, refusing to let me let go of him. But how did I forgive him for this? Why would he do it? It didn’t make any sense…except of course it did.
‘ We aren’t tied together yet. We aren’t married, we don’t have children.’
I’d said that to him the night he burned himself.
Oh God. I’d done this. I’d planted this idea in his head. How could I be so stupid? I placed a hand over my stomach, over the baby that might already be in there.
‘ The only way out of this is in a body bag.’
A shiver ran up my spine as I wondered how serious that promise had been.
Mike was waiting outside my house, no doubt texting Alfie right now.
Telling him where I was, that I was acting out of character.
Alfie could show up any moment. He would pull the truth out of me and mould it into an entirely new shape.
He would put his hands on me and if I let him touch me, he would make me say whatever he wanted.
He would bend my mind and I would let him.
Alfie…
I wanted to turn back time and go back to before I discovered this awful thing that the ghost of me had known all along.
I could feel myself splintering, fraying at the edges.
Breathe, Lola. Breathe.
The voice wasn’t mine. It wasn’t my mum’s either. Or my gran’s. It took me a moment to place it and when I did, the face that swam in front of me didn’t have blue eyes, or grey, but a deep, warm brown. And I suddenly remembered, this garden wasn’t the only place where I was safe.
When I was fifteen, I discovered a loose slat in the fence that separated my garden from my neighbour’s.
If I jimmied it open and shimmied in just the right way, I could squeeze through and across the neighbour’s garden, hopefully avoiding their Jack Russell.
Then, if I could hop over their fence (using their water feature as a standing board) I could land in a no-through road that would take me up to the main road which ran along the other side of my house.
Of course, I was 15 pounds lighter when I was fifteen so shimmying through a fence was a lot easier back then, but I managed it anyway.
I met the taxi I’d called on the main road and jumped in, keeping a furtive eye out for Mike.
I texted Natalie on the way, letting her know where I had gone.
I knew Alfie would be able to track my phone but I didn’t want to leave it behind in case my taxi didn’t show and I had to call another.
Hopefully, I would have come up with an excuse by the time he realised I was on the move without Mike.