41. Jae
Chapter forty-one
Jae
“No one will ever compare to you. Not a single star in the sky. Not a single flower in a meadow. Nothing will ever compare to you.”
Guilt eats at me the moment Dax puts down the phone. I could hear in his voice he wasn’t okay.
The sadness in his tone penetrated me as harsh as the bullet did in my side.
I can always tell when he’s not okay.
I need him to be okay. He has to be okay.
I debate for several minutes whether to call Noah and tell him it’s not a good time for him to come, but like unwanted clockwork, he texts me telling me he’s just dropped by the services and only half an hour away.
I should feel happy that he’s coming. I am happy. He’s my brother and I’ve missed him. I owe him my life, but instead I’m left feeling nothing but sadness and regret because I have an idea that Dax feels uncomfortable with him coming. Like him and Isaac, the two of them have never seen eye to eye, but they have been civil around each other. As much as the two didn’t get on with one another, they tolerated each other because they knew how important they both were to me.
I should have thought about how this would have impacted Dax, it was selfish for me to agree the way I did, I should have spoken to him first.
I am such a fucking idiot.
To try and keep my mind occupied, I decide to go into the garden, but before I do so, I pick up my phone and send Dax a text.
Jae: I miss you, pretty boy. Remember to squeeze your tags when you need to and when you’re looking at the stars, remember I’m looking at them too x
Putting my phone away in the console table, I make my way outside. If I have it out I’ll check it every ten minutes, and if I notice he hasn’t texted back by then, I’ll most likely ring him and he probably doesn’t want to talk to me right now.
I just need him to be okay.
It doesn’t take long for the sky to grow dark; the wind starts to pick up, no longer allowing the flowers to gently dance in the breeze, but they blow side to side in anger.
But still, their beauty stands out.
Lifting my head looking into the distance, I can see a car turning towards the end of the field opposite the house, and I would be able to spot that Mini hatchback from anywhere.
Noah. In Isaacs’ shitty “sports car”.
Making my way towards the end of the path, I wait for him to approach the end of the road as he skids across the pebbles like he’s just won a race.
“Bet you missed me, didn’t you, Maje?” Noah says cheerfully, winding down the window.
He’s always had a bubbly personality deep down. He was quiet when he first joined us, but over time, he got used to being around us and now, we can’t seem to shut him up.
He’s never gone into much detail about his past, we didn’t ask him about it. It was obvious he wanted to forget. The only thing he had mentioned was being in ‘the system’ and as soon as he was old enough to get out, he joined the forces. We’ve done what we can since to make sure we made his life the best it could be. Another one of the guys, Ricky, was from the system too. We’d heard the horror stories. We’d seen the effects. We unfortunately lost him on tour in ’22 and we refused to lose another one of us.
Noah nonchalantly gets out of the car, his hair is much shorter since the last time I saw him. He’s not far off being bald. I could probably see my reflection in his forehead if I tried.
I think he’s grown taller too.
He stands in front of me, slowly lifting his arm, with his fingers touching the side of his head.
Saluting his officer.
“None of that, brother,” I sigh as I pull him into my arms for a hug. “You saved my life, Noah. I wouldn't be here right now if it wasn’t for you.” I am washed over with an overwhelming feeling of happiness and joy for us both being here, both making it out alive. While I’m also hit with an overwhelming sadness for those we’ve lost. Those who could also be here with us right now if we’d just worked a little harder. If we pushed ourselves more. We may have been able to get more people out.
“How is the battle wound holding up?” he says, pulling himself back from my arms. “Let me see the handiwork.”
I shake my head at his question, not in anger, but I’m happy he’s the same he was when we first left. Sometimes being on tour, people change. The memories get too much. The screams, the cries, the destruction, the bombing. The death. It changes you. Hell, I’m surprised it hasn’t changed me.
But maybe it has.
Lifting the side of my shirt, I show him the wound on my side from the bullet as he lets out a low whistle. “Well, ain’t that a beauty huh?” Typical Noah.
We stare at each other for a few more moments before we break out in an anxious laugh.
We made it.
And then the rain starts coming down, hard.
“Come on, let’s get inside where it’s warm.” I wave towards him as I start to make my way towards the door. “You can get your bag later, leave it in the car for now. I have some stuff you can change into.”
As soon as we’re both in the house, I make my way towards the burner, already loading it up with wood to get a fire started. Noah walks around the conjoined kitchen and living room area inspecting the place I now call home.
“This is nice, I can see why you decided to move out here. You’ve always spoken about when you got out, you’d move away into the open. I’m glad you got your wish, Jae. Your smile looks good on you.”
I turn to face him as soon as I get the fire started. “Yeah, I feel lucky, I guess. As soon as I heard this place came up for sale, I felt like it was meant to be, kinda. It just felt right, you know?”
“Yeah, it’s beautiful. It really is. Issac told me about it. We were able to get a phone call after you had your hearing. I know we normally leave the calls to those who have families, but we were worried about you on the field. We had to know you were okay.” He coughs low. “I had to know.”
I throw him a soft smile. The two of us had no family at home waiting for us, we quickly became each other’s family.
“I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to repay you, Noah.”
“For what?” He shakes his head. “You don’t have to repay me for anything. I was doing my job. I was doing what I was trained for. I was doing what you would have done for me.”
And he’s right. I’d have done the same for any of my brothers. I did the same for other brothers.
After quickly checking my phone in the console table for a text from Dax, which I haven’t got, I take a seat on the sofa opposite him with a sad smile.
Dax will be okay. Don’t worry. He’s fine.
“It doesn’t get any easier, does it?” Noah asks, leaning his elbows on his knees with his face in his hands.
“What doesn’t?”
“Being out. Does it feel like you’re out? Do you ever wish you weren’t?”
“I don’t know what I think about it honestly, Noah. I’m glad I’m out, but I’m also sad. I wish my time didn’t end the way it did, but it did. No amount of sadness or guilt or any other feeling can change that. So, I just gotta live with it. I’m happy with my life here, though, I feel like I can finally relax. Life is good. It feels colourful again.”
His eyes fixate on my own.
“I’m glad you can finally relax, if anyone deserves it, it’s you.”
And we spend the next two hours talking. About nothing. About everything. We talk about those we’ve lost, those we’ve met on the way. Memories of being on tour, being in the barracks. He tells me about our goddaughter and how beautiful she smiles.
We order takeout, demolish it like old times, and then curse about the work out we’re going to have to do to burn it off. I explain how I haven’t been working out, but I have been in the garden, to which he’s made several jokes about me now becoming a gardener and how it wasn’t on his 2024 bucket list.
“I was scared you wouldn’t be happy again, I prayed you would be. But after how that dipshit left things, I’m glad you’ve managed to be happy without him.”
Great.
“He didn’t deserve you, anyway.”
“What did you say?”
“I said he –”
“I heard what you said, Noah.”
I can’t look at him right now. I feel anger. I feel hurt.
“I’m sorry for bringing him up, I know he hurt you.” His voice becomes lower towards the end of the sentence. I can hear the sadness in his tone, but not in his choice of words.
Without a second thought, I go into protection mode. The two of them have never really gotten on with one another, I never questioned it. I respected it because he respected me. But now, I need to know why.
“Why doesn’t he deserve me, Noah?”
“Are you really asking me that question? I thought you’d move out here to move on from him. He hurt you, remember. I was the one that was there. I’m the one that’s here now. He didn’t think twice about ending things with a letter. I would never do that to you.” I can hear the sighing beneath his breath. “He’s cut off, he’s emotionless, he doesn’t care, he doesn’t love you, not like I –”
I cut him off.
I don’t want to hear another word. I can’t.
“He didn’t understand what he was doing when he sent that letter. He thought he was saving me. He wanted to protect me. That’s what he thought he was doing. He didn’t want to hurt me.”
I move my attention to the large windows, watching the flowers outside, feeling calm when the sunflowers come into view. Dax’s face instantly comes to my mind. He’s always been fascinated with flowers, but in more ways than one, him and them are very similar. Some ignore them, some don’t see how precious they really are. Not everyone sees the beauty within them. But I do.
“Dax doesn’t think the same way as we do, Noah. His brain works differently. He’s no less of a person than either me or you, he just thinks and does things in an opposite way to what we do. He notices the things around us that we don’t, and he appreciates the things we don’t understand.”
“But he hurt you. He doesn’t care… What-What if he hurts you again?”
“Maybe he will, maybe he won’t, but I’ll still be here either way. When Dax feels, he feels with his whole heart. Being loved by him is the most magical feeling I have ever felt. Just looking at his face makes my heart want to burst. I get he comes across differently to you. But believe me, no one is his worst enemy more than he is his own. If the question you want to ask so much is, did I come back here for him? Yes. Yes, I did. And I’d do it a million times over if I had to.”
I slowly lift my head to look at Noah. The red rings around his brown eyes tell me all I need to know. He’s crying.
I don’t want to hurt him. Especially after I owe him so much. But it also makes me question everything.
Is this what Isaac knew about when he told me I needed to tell Noah about Dax myself? Have I been leading Noah on all along?
The sound of his pained cries the moment I was shot haunt my mind. Everything he did to save my life; it was so much more than losing a brother to him, and I’ll never be able to forgive myself for the pain I’ve caused.
He’s my brother. I’ve never seen him as anything more.
“I’m sorry, Noah, if that’s not what you wanted to hear, but I can’t sit and lie to you. I’m sorry if I’ve ever given you the impression I feel anything towards –”
He cuts me off.
“Please don’t say it. I, I don’t know how I feel. I’m confused. I don’t know. I just thought. I don’t know what I thought.”
His body starts to shake, and his breaths come in hard and heavy.
He’s hyperventilating.
Putting aside the conversation we’ve just had; I rush to his side.
This is a dance we’ve done a thousand times before on and off the field.
I bend my knees and sit in front of him on the floor, my hands on top of his knees, adding pressure to his body.
“Breathe with me, soldier, come on now. One, two, three.”
His body starts to relax. His breathing becoming normal.
“That’s good, Noah. You’re doing good.”
When I notice Noah has calmed down and his breathing has gone back to normal, I stand and head towards the sofa I was previously sat on when I notice my phone light up with two missed calls and a text from Tyler.
Tyler: I need help, I’m worried about Dax. I didn’t know who else to call. Please.
“FUCK!” I shout, throwing my head into my hands.
My body has now switched to autopilot.
The only thing I want to do right now is get to Dax.
Nothing else matters.
“What’s happened?” Noah peeks from behind his hands.
I don’t have time to explain.
He’s already made it obvious he doesn’t understand.
I need to get to Dax.
“There’s a spare key in the unit near the front door, I have to go, Noah. You can stay if you want to.”
And before he can respond, I’m out the door.