26. JENSEN
26
M an, that feels good.
“ Fuck it .”
The more times I say it, the better it feels. As if every time I speak the words out loud, the universe is shifting a little in my favor, even though nobody knows how that will turn out.
“And then you kissed Rae,” he asks rhetorically.
I breathe out, knowing there is no use denying it anyway. Bodi knows me better than anyone. He will look right through whatever bullshit I’ll try to feed him, and to be honest, I don’t want to lie about it.
I don’t want to deny the fact that this girl is making me feel alive for the first time in my life. I get that it’s still early, and it’s stupid to be completely open about it, but if there is one person I don’t want to hide shit from; it’s Bodi.
“And then I kissed Rae.” I glance at Rae, staring at the ground with her lips in a firm stripe.
“Good choice, Jay.” He nods playfully, and I respond with a long sigh, not loving the fact that Rae seems to feel more uncomfortable by the second. I turn and tilt my head, glaring at his amused grin. We stare at each other, as if I’m hoping my death glare will have him sinking to the floor. One can hope.
“You’re fucked,” he mouths, silently, making me shake my head.
I know.
Trust me, I know.
“Right.” Rae glides from her stool, a flicker of embarrassment still visible in her eyes. “You two have fun. I’m going to call it a night.”
“You’re leaving?” I quickly grab her wrist. I don’t want her to leave.
I guess this is awkward for her, but I want to be able to hold her in front of my best friend. Kiss her when she’s being a smartass and pull her hair when she’s pissing me off. If I can’t do it in front of the entire world, I at least want to do it while our bubble has burst yet.
“Yeah, I’m tired. I’m going to let you two hang out, and I’ll see you in the morning.” I search her face for any sign of fatigue but can’t find shit.
“You don’t have to go, baby.”
She smiles, awkwardly. “It’s okay. I’m tired. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Her body turns, ready to walk away, but I place my knee in front of her stomach, pulling her between my legs once more. “Rae?”
“Hmm?” She twists her head, her gaze dripping with desire as she swallows.
“Fuck it.” I smirk right before I crash my mouth against hers.
My hands slip into her hair, holding her head still so I can have my way with her, pushing my tongue in with a passion that’s running through me from head to toe. Her sweet honey taste has me acting like a druggie on a relapse; I want to keep kissing her forever. Claim her taste as mine from this day forward.
When I pull back, I press my forehead against hers, my palms still in her soft and silky hair. “Fuck it, baby,” I whisper against her rosy lips, hoping she can hear the words that are not coming from my mouth.
Fuck it, I don’t care who’s watching.
Fuck it, I don’t care what everyone thinks.
Fuck it, I don’t care what everyone wants.
Fuck it, because I want you, and I’m not letting you go. Not now. Not ever.
She pushes out an amused breath, softly nodding as her eyes glass over.
“Fuck it,” she repeats, then presses another sweet peck on my lips before I let go of her. I slowly let her walk out of my grasp.
“Goodnight, boys.”
“Night, Goldilocks.” Bodi’s grin is splitting his face in two, and I roll my eyes, then sigh, bringing my glass to my lips.
“Whatever you’re going to say, save it,” I grunt.
“Oh, no. We are going to talk about this, mate.” His know-it-all smirk, combined with his annoying Australian accent, is a little irritating, but it doesn’t come out of nowhere. If you don’t want to talk about shit, Bodi is not the one you hang out with. He will kindly ask you to talk to him, and if you don’t? He’ll nag you until you do.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I make a futile attempt.
“I don’t care,” he announces, turning his body to face me, his elbow resting on the bar with his glass in his hand. His brown hair bounces as he tilts his head. “Tell me, how long did it take until you were smooching with Rae after you dropped me off at the airport?”
“Smooching? People still use that word?”
“I just did.”
I glare at him, my lips pressed into a thin line.
“Come on, tell me! An hour? Two? Five minutes?”
“Shut up, Kangeroo Jack.”
“Not until you tell me. Start talking, hockey boy ,” he mocks, using Rae’s nickname for me to get under my nerves.
It’s working.
“When we arrived in Memphis,” I finally disclose.
“Huh!” He frowns. “That’s longer than I’d expected.”
I just chuckle, fear showering my body. I want Bodi to know. I want to tell him how I feel, but I’m also hesitant to voice it. If I say the words out loud, it becomes real. If it becomes real, I can no longer deny it. I can no longer deny the feelings I have for her. I’m too scared to voice it because I don’t want to lie to anyone.
Not to Bodi.
Not to myself.
And certainly not to her.
But if this comes out, I don’t know if I can protect her. To protect her from the hurt my family will inevitably cause her. I’m fighting the tightness in my chest that forms as I try to hold everything inside. Realizing I have feelings for her is hard enough as it is, and trying to hold it in makes it a torture, but I know I have to.
“Jay.” Bodi’s voice rings in my ear.
“What?” I drawl.
I know he means well, but I don’t even know how much I can say without completely ruining this for myself. She looked up at me in fear on the street, earlier tonight, silently begging me to tell her how I feel; how we move on from this, and if we move on from this together. But the truth is, I don’t know. All I know is I want her. But I’m not convinced that’s enough.
“You don’t have to be scared, you know,” Bodi tells me, as if he can read my mind.
I take a sip from my glass, the orange peel in my drink making my nostrils flare before I let my head hang. “I don’t know, Bodi.”
My voice cracks.
“Yeah, you do. Just because your mom doesn’t want you to say what you want doesn’t mean you have to listen. Just talk to me.”
I rub my face. “I don’t know what to do.”
“She’s getting into your head, isn’t she?”
“I’m not sure if Rae is getting in, or Emily is finally getting out.” When we started this trip, I had every intention of doing what was expected from me. To fix things with Emily, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. They can call me a good-for-nothing-asshole, but I am loyal to my family. Even if they want to paint me as the bad guy.
“It’s both, Jay.”
I twist my head, looking at my best friend peering me down with his clear blue eyes. “You don’t love Emily. You never have. Now I don’t know if you love Rae, but I do know she’s the only one that ever made you smile like a damn idiot for most of the time. It’s starting to scare me,” he jokes. “I know you are loyal to your parents. But why the fuck are you, mate? They don’t do shit for you. I understood when we were still eighteen. But you’re twenty-nine now. You don’t need them. They need you . They want to keep up the appearance of being a loving family, but let’s be honest, that’s the biggest fa?ade there is. Why are you pleasing them when they need you ?”
I sigh. “They threatened to ruin my career.”
Bodi pauses for a moment, letting my words sink in.
“How exactly?”
“My father knows everyone. If he doesn’t want me to play. I won’t play.”
“That’s bullshit, Jay!” Bodi spits, his jaw ticking as his face flares up. “Your dad is running for governor. Not fucking president.”
“I’m pretty sure he has friends in the NHL as well.”
“He probably does, but it doesn’t mean he can control every team in the NHL. That’s bullshit, and you know it. You’re just taking it as an excuse because you are scared to death. Admit it.” He shoves my shoulders, and I snap my head toward his with a glare. But I can’t help the thought crossing my mind. Wondering if he’s right.
“I mean it,” he continues. “So your father has some influential people in his circle. And yeah, he might be able to get a foot between the door in some clubs. But, Jensen, you just won the Stanley Cup. Every single hockey team in the country is going to want you. Plus, there is hockey in Canada, Europe. You don’t have to stay here. Besides, they could be bluffing. Ever consider that?”
I look at my best friend speaking the words that have crossed my mind for the last two days. Every time I look at Rae, I’ve been weighing out my options, thinking about how different my life could look, but also hearing one clear thought that stays in my head. Loud as fuck.
Hearing Bodi say the same words that have been occupying my thoughts for the last few days feels like a ray of sunshine after a hurricane. The sky breaks open, showing all the possibilities that come after disaster. After a heartbreak. I want her to be a possibility. If she’s not the one, I want to look back, knowing I tried. I don’t want her to be the one that got away while I’m stuck in some lifeless marriage like my parents.
If anything, want to regret the decisions I made, not wonder what could’ve happened if I made different ones. Like I’m waking up after hibernation, I see it now. I’m not giving her up. I’m not giving us up. She makes me feel good. She makes me laugh. She makes me happy.
I’m not sure if that’s love, but it’s close enough for me to wanna say fuck it .
Fuck it all. Maybe that’s a mistake, but I guess there is only one way to find out.
“Yeah, actually. I have.”
Taking a sip of my drink, I can feel Bodi’s eyes on me.
“Fuck me,” he suddenly blurts. “You’re going to do it, aren’t you?”
I lick my lips, holding my glass in front of my face while I suppress the smile itching to curl the corner of my mouth.
“Do what?” I ask innocently, though I know what he’s talking about.
He’s been dying for me to tell my parents to go fuck themselves for years, but I guess I never found a good reason.
Now I have.
“Motherfucker. That blonde little thing finally gave you that last push, huh?”
I shrug, downing the rest of my drink. “I don’t want to give her up.”
Bodi triumphantly slams his fist onto the bar. “I knew she would make you crack.”
“Make me crack? What the fuck are you talking about?” I laugh.
“Oh, come on, you’re falling in love with Rae. A blind man can see that.”
I let his words sink in, waiting for that terrified twang to pop up. The one that has been jumping out like a damn surprise party every single time a girl would tell me they love me. I could never say it back, and I’d barely manage to reply with ditto, because there has always been this feeling inside of me that didn’t believe in love. But hearing Rae and love in the same sentence gives me nothing but a content feeling. Like a cup of hot cocoa, warming my body after a cold day.
“Maybe you’re right,” I concede. “Maybe I have feelings for her. Maybe I’ve always felt drawn to her because I’ve always felt something for her.”
My head starts to feel light, blinded by the realization that shines through my always clouded head. The fog seems to disappear, and I can feel the weight being lifted off my shoulders.
“You do, mate.” Bodi slaps my back. “So, what’s the plan?”
“Let’s just finish this roadtrip first. She needs to be back home by three tomorrow, before Johnny Pearce wants my head on a platter,” I quip. “I’m postponing the difficult talk until this weekend. I just want to enjoy the next couple of days, you know?”
Bodi nods, then takes a sip from his drink.
“How was your meeting?” I ask, changing the subject.
“What meeting?”
“The one you flew out here for? Did you sign that author?”
Bodi lets out a full belly burst of laughter, and my eyes widen, wondering if he’s lost his mind. “What?”
“There was no meeting, dumbass.”
I look at him, confused, not fully understanding what he’s saying until it’s like a lightbulb appears in my head.
“Motherfucker.”
“I believe the words are: thank you , motherfucker.” He smirks, looking fucking smug.
“You’re shitting me, right?”
“You needed time alone with her. She makes you happy.”
That son of a bitch .
The look in his eyes is the reason why he’s my best friend. He grants me the world, and he will cross any boundaries if he thinks it will make me happy.
Even when he does shit like this, being a fucking brown nosing idiot, sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong.
“You faked a meeting and flew out two days early so I could have a few days alone with Rae?” I ask, stunned.
“Actually.” He drags out the word, giving me a fake smile. “I also sent that photo of you two.”
I just blink. Confused.
“To Emily,” he clarifies.
“You did what?!” I bark the words, more in shock than in anger, because the truth is, I don’t even care who sent that damn photo. I’m just glad someone did, but hearing my best friend is the bastard who put this all together makes no sense. Then again, it also makes complete sense.
Told you, brown nosing idiot.
“Bodi, for fucks sake.”
“Look, I know you don’t want to admit it, but there is something going on between the two of you. I see the way you look at her, and if I’m honest—I’ve always seen the way she looked at you. There is a chemistry between the two of you, and with me around, that was easy to ignore. I know you’re switching teams, yes I know about that, and fuck you for not telling me asshole.” Oops . “You’re moving to who knows where, and you needed to realize Emily is not it. I’m sorry I tricked you.” He gives me a remorseful face before it returns to that smug grin. “But you basically forced me with your ostrich behavior.”
“And this fake meeting?”
He shrugs. “With me out of the picture… I knew it was only a matter of time before you two would take the plunge.”
“You’re an asshole.” I glare, even though I’m not mad at him.
If anything, I want to kiss the guy for figuring out what I’ve been trying to tuck away.
“It worked, didn’t it?”
I tilt my head, nodding. “It sure as fuck did.”
“Now that we agree on that, are you ready to face your mother?”
Normally, the thought of facing my mother would drain my energy and suck up whatever good mood I might be in. But this time, I just smile.
“Fuck it.” My heart fills with pride, ready to face her head on.
Bodi is right. I don’t need them. It’s not like I go to them for some motherly advice or to discuss my season with my father. They haven’t contributed anything other than a roof over my head, food on the table, and a feeling of never being enough. I have money in the bank, so number one and two haven’t been an issue since I first signed my NHL contract. But it’s time to stop looking for ways to please my parents. I’ll never be what they want me to be, and I’m done pretending.
“Shit.” Bodi smiles. “For real this time? You’re going through with it?”
Rae’s bright smile flashes in front of my face, and I know there is only one answer.
“Yeah,” I pause, nodding my head. “I am.”
Because if Rae isn’t worth fighting for….nothing is.