35. RAE
35
T he next morning, I’m waiting for Jensen, resting my back against the car as I enjoy the warmth of the summer sun. Leaves dance from the maple tree above my head, and I suck in a deep breath to wallow in this peaceful moment.
It’s decided. No more worrying.
No matter what happens, I’m going to enjoy every moment of this day.
My head pops up when the front door opens, and I stare at the sexy man walking down my porch steps. Hiding from behind the safety of my sunglasses, I gawk at him, keeping my face as straight as possible. His white t-shirt shows off his sun kissed skin, his jeans hang low on his hips, and his sunglasses cover his mesmerizing eyes. But it isn’t until a smirk slides into place that my heart stops for a brief moment. Time seems to slow down as my cheeks soak up the burning heat of the sun, and I cross my arms, supposedly unimpressed.
But really, I just try to hide my heart from jumping out of my chest.
He looks like a fucking GQ model.
“So, where are we going?” He nudges his chin, closing the distance with big strides before placing both hands beside my head while I don’t move from leaning against my car. A whiff of his fresh and clean cologne makes half my brain stop functioning as I look up at him. He leans in, brushing his lips on mine, and being greedy as fuck for him, I press my lips against his with much more vigor.
“Hmm, good morning to you too.” A lopsided grin greets me.
“This was your idea.”
His lips find my neck, burying his nose in my hair, as he rests his hand on my shoulder.
“I’m starting to doubt that plan right now.”
My eyes close, completely surrendered by his touch until the rest of my brain sparks back to life. “We are in my front yard.”
“I know,” he muses, undisturbed.
“Where I live .”
“I know.” He leaves a trail of kisses on my skin, each burning more than the one before.
“With my entire family.” I emphasize the word.
I’m pretty sure it will take Nana two minutes to realize I’m making out in the front yard and about three before she starts to yell to get a room, just to piss me off.
“I have a hard time keeping my hands off you,” he huffs, grinding the bulge in his jeans against my stomach. “Especially when you’re pressed against a car.”
He takes my hands in his, leaving me completely breathless as he covers my mouth in a demanding and dominating way. I knew telling him my dirty fantasy would make him horny as fuck, and I’m not complaining.
A grunt comes from my throat. “If you want to make my sex fantasy come true, I’m not going to stop you, but I’d really prefer it if we didn’t do it in my family's front yard.”
His teeth scrape the skin below my ear, a chuckle tickling the sensitive area. “Fine, let’s go.”
He pushes off me, giving me a wink, then rounds the car to get behind the wheel. A week ago, I’d never let him drive my precious car, but in the last few days, it’s become such a familiarity to have him driving while I stare out of the window. I love the feeling of his hand on my thigh, knowing he’s right there beside me as I watch the world pass by.
We drive to my high school, my middle school, and even my pre-school. I tell him how I used to break my record every chance I got, by getting kicked out of class as fast as possible. I tell him how I spiked the punch at my sophomore winter formal. I show him the tree where I got my first kiss in junior high. I take him to the park I used to play at as a kid, the community pool where I spent my entire summer when I was finally allowed to go by myself, and the cycling track where I used to hang out with all the boys. We buy chocolate orange ice cream at my favorite parlor, even though it’s only eleven am, and we grab a burger at the local diner when it’s almost lunchtime.
It’s fun.
It’s relaxing.
It’s everything I never expected it to be with Jared James Jensen.
An infuriating, yet sexy, pain in my ass for the last five years.
But now it’s all I want.
“Okay. I need one more.” He wipes the corner of his mouth with his napkin, still chewing on the last bite of his burger. He’s sitting across from me, looking hot as fuck with one arm propped up on the back of the booth.
“One more what?” I ask, popping a fry in my mouth.
He rests his elbows on the cold surface, bringing his face closer to mine with that playful smirk gracing his cheeks. The one that weakens my knees and makes it impossible to resist anything he asks.
“Show me your place.”
“What does that even mean?” I ask, rolling my eyes.
With his dirty mind, it could literally be anything involving me naked. But when I see the sincerity in his piercing blue eyes, I understand he’s asking for more than just a quick place to fuck.
He grabs my hand, my heart rate kicking up a notch. “Where did you go to celebrate? To cry after a long day? Where did you process everything life threw at you as a teenager? Where did you go when life got hard?”
I swallow roughly, my mouth turning dry.
“How do you know I have one?”
“Because in the last week, I’ve gotten to know you better than you know, Rae Stafford. And something tells me you’re the girl that has a secret spot. Just for yourself.”
I roll my lips, amused and touched by his comment, because he’s not wrong.
Except, he doesn’t realize what he’s asking from me, because I’ve never shared that with anyone. It’s my safe place, my comfort place, the place where I had my lowest of lows.
But staring into his big blue eyes, I can’t resist it. Can’t resist him . Not when they flash with a kindness that’s rare for Jensen.
I nod. “Okay.”
His face splits, his eyes dancing with joy. “Yeah?”
I nod again, and he pays the bill with an excited smile spread across his face.
Ten minutes later, I direct him to a secluded place at the riverbank. It’s a small spot, hidden between the trees. There is only room for one car, with barely any space to have as much as a picnic, making it less interesting for the young kids, and I’ve always happily taken advantage of that whenever I needed to be alone.
He parks my SUV between the trees, and we both get out.
The reflection of the sun shines on the water, as rays of sunshine push through the leaves of the trees. I suck in a breath of fresh air, then climb on the hood of my car like I’ve always done, taking in the calmness that surrounds me.
Jensen silently joins me, placing his body next to mine, our knees touching.
“It’s not necessarily my happy place,” I explain, his head twisting to look at me while he takes off his sunglasses. “But this is the place where I can order my thoughts. Where the world is quiet enough for me to process whatever life throws at me.”
“Like when your parents died?”
My head snaps toward him, searching his eyes in confusion. “You know?”
He nods, grabbing my knee before he starts to massage my leg in a gentle and comforting way. “Is that why you freeze every time you see an airplane?”
I let out a confirming hum.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” His deep blue eyes bore into me like he’s searching for my soul, the tension almost making me stop breathing.
My eyes move back to the water. “I don’t know?”
I hold still, sucking in a deep breath. “Because I’m sick of being an orphan? Because for once I didn’t want that to overshadow everything I do.”
I can see my words hitting him in the chest as he swallows with a pained expression.
I know.
It’s raw.
But it’s honest.
When my parents died, I hated the world, and for the longest time, I’d cry myself to sleep wishing I died on that plane too. I love my family, and I will forever be grateful for everything they did for me. How they took me in and treated me as their own. They are not them, though. They are not my parents, and it took me a long time to grasp that. But by that time, it was already too late. I was the rebel child, kicking and screaming through life, with whispers following me wherever I went.
Her parents died.
She is an orphan.
She is damaged.
She’s broken.
I heard them all, and when you hear them on a daily basis, you start to live up to them. I was fourteen when I found out alcohol could make those whispers go away, not because they weren’t there. But because I didn’t care when I drank. I couldn’t be bothered by anything, completely drowning in my fearless stance.
“Because people will expect less?” he asks, reminding me of his own words.
“Yeah.” He told me how he acted like an asshole because it kept people’s expectations low, making it that much easier.
I acted like an out-of-control brat because people didn’t have any expectations at all after my parents died. “After the crash, people always treated me like porcelain. Always trying to say the right thing, to motivate me with kind words. But I could feel the pity. They had already put me in the damaged box because that was easier for them. More convenient. It’s hard to be motivated when no one expects anything from you because of something that happens out of your control.”
I keep my eyes trained on the water, watching the ripples grow bigger and bigger every single time. Tears are pricking in the corners of my eyes, and I suck in a breath to push them away.
“Johnny saved me by pushing me into a job he knew I wasn’t ready for, and he expected the world from me.” I pause. “Without telling me, he showed that he believed in me. That I was more than just that orphan kid from Red Wood Creek High School.”
I can feel his fingers under my chin, and I close my eyes, not ready to see that same pity in his eyes, before he gently pulls my face toward him.
“Rae,” he rumbles in a soft yet demanding tone. I hum in response, still keeping my eyes shut. A hint of his freshness penetrates my nose, combined with the whiff of the pine trees around us. It smells safe, like home.
“Open your eyes, baby.” His breath fans my face, and I exhale softly, refusing to let my emotions out in front of him fully.
“Rae, open your eyes.”
Finally, I let my shoulders hang, opening my eyes. When I look into his deep blue eyes, I see affection, something like love, I think, and even a bit of pride. His thumb brushes my jaw in slow, scorching strokes, soothing me.
“You’ve been pissing me off for five long years, but there is one thing I’ve known long before this week.” He stops for a brief moment, a smile ghosting his handsome face. “You, Rae Stafford, can do anything you put your stubborn little mind to.”
I chuckle, and when I close my eyes, tears find their way out. Bringing his thumb up, he wipes them off my rosy cheeks, then presses a kiss on my lips.
But there is a difference in his touch, like something shifted, and we leveled up. His lips entwine with mine, and a satisfied moan vibrates against my throat, as his tongue starts to dance around mine in tentative strokes.
Soft, slow, longing. A hand moves into my hair, holding my head as if he’s scared I’ll escape his touch. My heart races in my chest, at an exhilarating pace, yet it feels comforting, like coming home after a long run. A grunt comes from his lips when he breaks away, pressing his forehead against mine. His hands hold my head, compelling me to look him in the eye.
“There’s also a lot of guilt,” I confess, wanting to confide my darkest feelings to him. His brows knit together. “Before I moved to LA, my friend died. We’d been drinking all summer.”
My tears escape, and before I know it, my heart is flooded with emotions. “We all did it. We didn’t care. Drinking made me feel less. And I didn’t want to feel at all. It was wrong. I know it was.” I stare at his chest, unable to look him in the eye. “We drove home completely fucked every single day. Nothing ever happened. We always got home safe.” I pause. “Until one day, we didn’t.”
“What happened, baby?”
“Kelly, my best friend. She dropped me off at home. Then she crashed into a tree on her way home.” The words leave my lips, and I’m now sobbing against his chest. His hand cups the back of my head as he comforts me with his lips in my hair. “It was the last straw for Johnny, because that could’ve been me.”
God, he was so mad. Furious. He yelled at me with a level of rage I’d never seen from him and never have again. Told me to suck it up and be better, because that could’ve been me. And for a long time, I wished it was.
“I should’ve never let her drive home. We should’ve just walked. It was just a couple of miles. But we were young and stupid.” I shake my head, my eyes lifted to the sky. “So fucking stupid. I could’ve stopped her or let her crash in my room. Anything. ”
“It’s not your fault, baby.”
“I know.” I look up at him. “But it doesn’t change the guilt I feel.”
He pushes out a breath before holding me against his chest once more. “I know, baby. I know.”
He holds me like that for a few minutes while I give my emotions the release I never have before. All my feelings and regrets come rushing out of my heart, like a flood, until finally it’s replaced by a sense of relief. Until there is finally room for other things in my heart than just grief.
“I’m not going to New York, Rae,” he suddenly huffs, a hint of desperation clear in his voice, “I don’t want to.”
I hold still, my breath stolen away. Shocked.
“I’m not going to let you go.”
“You’re not?” I murmur, placing my hands over his.
The warmth of his hands underneath mine is encouraging, and hope starts to swell in my chest. Starts to grow my rapidly beating heart.
He softly shakes his head. “Not a fucking chance. You can tell me to leave. But I won’t. I want you. I want to be with you, and I’ll be damned if someone snatches you away in front of my eyes. You’re mine, baby. I decided,” he announces, that arrogant smirk sliding in place, “and you know I don’t accept no .”
I snort, amused by that statement.
“What about your parents? What about the elections? What about Emily?” I do my best to keep my voice calm, but my mind is running overtime.
“Fuck ‘em. Fuck it.”
“Really?” It’s hard to believe him when he’s been doing what he’s told for twenty-nine years, but I really want to.
I want him to choose me.
I want him to stay.
I want to see where we will end up together.
“I’m done letting my life be dictated for me. I’m gonna do what I want.” He pauses, biting his lip. “And I want you. I want to see where this goes. I want you to be mine .”
The persistence is clear, and undeniable. And the only reason he’s still waiting for my response, my confirmation, is as a courtesy.
Because I was his from the moment he hijacked my road trip.