Chapter 19
Shameful.
The moment I spotted her, my whole body went cold.
No.
No way.
There was no way in hell that after I took time off this weekend, rented a car, and booked two nights at a Spa Hotel, my mother would show up with her other daughter.
Ryan sat across from Ma, looking just as put together as ever. Her locs were swept over one shoulder, her nails were done, and her gold hoops glinted in the sunlight. She lifted her glass to take a sip of whatever was inside before carefully clinking it down.
I had half a mind to walk out before either of them saw me, but I hadn’t seen my mother since I left for Thailand, and involuntarily, I missed her. So I approached.
“Hi, Elliot.”
I cringed when she spoke. When we locked eyes, Ryan straightened, and I quickly looked away. My eyes flicked to Ma, and my jaw tightened.
“What the hell is she doing here?”
Ma didn’t even move to embrace me or reassure me. Honestly, she didn’t even look happy to see me. Ma sighed, shifting in her seat. “Sit down, Elliot. Let’s talk like grown women.”
“I don’t want to talk to her.”
She just stared up at me. “I’m not gonna repeat myself.”
I looked between them, my stomach twisting. I already knew what this was. They were about to gang up on me. Again.
Still, I sat. Ryan’s eyes swept over me, warm but hesitant. “You look nice, Ellie.”
I ignored her. “Why didn’t you tell me she was coming, Ma?”
“Because I knew you wouldn’t show up if I did.”
“For good reason.”
Ryan exhaled, resting her arms on the table. “It’s been almost three years, Ellie. When will you start talking to me?”
I tilted my head.
“I didn’t realize boundaries had an expiration date. I want nothing to do with the disrespect and betrayal.”
Ma sucked her teeth. “You sound like a miserable child. Normal people let go of things. It’s valid for healing.”
“No,” I corrected. “Forgiveness is valid for healing. And I’ve forgiven her. I’ve forgiven Jonathan. I’ve forgiven you for enabling it. Hell, I even forgave myself for turning a blind eye and ignoring it. All is forgiven, nothing is forgotten, and I will not throw away the peace that has given me.”
Ryan nodded slowly, pressing her lips together. “And I respect that, Ellie. I do. But I have to admit… I wish there was some way to take down a few walls, maybe? I won’t lie. I miss you.”
Ma sighed, rubbing her temple. “We all do.”
Ryan leaned forward slightly, voice softer. “I know we can’t go back to how things were. And I know we can’t change the past. But I want you in my life, Ellie. I need you.”
I eyed them both, suspicion prickling in my chest. “The walls remain up.”
Ma rolled her eyes. “Oh, God.”
“And if you two had any consideration for my feelings, you wouldn’t have ambushed me like this.”
Ryan shook her head. “You’re right. Don’t blame Ma for this—it was me. I wanted to meet, and she helped arrange it. You weren’t taking my calls, and I knew you wouldn’t show up if you knew I’d be here, so… I asked her to hide it from you.”
I huffed out a humorless laugh. “More desperation and deception. Surprise, surprise.”
Ma shot me a look. “Elliot, come on now. We traveled a long way to see you. The least you could do is have a little empathy. A little understanding toward your sister’s situation.”
“No,” I said simply. “Actually, I don’t have to.
I never asked her to come. I never wanted her to come.
I came to see you, Ma. I took time off from my business to spend the weekend with you.
I spent my money on an expensive ass hotel to catch up with you.
I did not ask for this, so my reaction is perfectly valid. ”
I hated how desperate my voice sounded. It felt like I was begging my mother to empathize with my feelings about this.
Ma’s jaw clenched. “Well, life doesn’t always go your way, Elliot.”
But, of course, I had no such luck.
“You don’t get to choose the hand you’re dealt.
How do you think I feel? You think I like having my two daughters go through this?
You think I like picking sides? Well, I can’t even pick sides anymore because I barely know you.
Your daddy died, and you didn’t even wait until the body was bloated before you were halfway around the world sulking! ”
I just stared at her with my breath caught in my throat. Ma never raised her voice to me like this.
Her frustration boiled over. “I haven’t seen you in the flesh for three years, Elliot. All I get is a ten-minute phone call once a week, and you wanna talk about what’s fair? You left, and you left me to pick up all the pieces. So, forgive me if I don’t feel pity for your discomfort.”
Silence.
Ma exhaled, her voice gentler now. “You both are my children. You’re all I have left in this world. And I’ll be damned if I go in the ground next with you two fighting.”
I blinked, my chest tight. “But Ma—”
“No!” She held up a hand. “Shut up and listen. We came all this way, and Ryan has something to tell you.”
I clenched my jaw, my fingers curling into fists under the table. I didn’t want to hear it. But fine—might as well let her say what she came to say and get it over with. The sooner it was out, the sooner I could walk away.
“Well?” I pushed with attitude.
Ryan drew in a breath, steadying herself like she already knew this wouldn’t go over well. “Johnny and I are getting married.”
My stomach turned.
No.
“And we would like to have you there.”
No, no, no.
“As my maid of honor.”
No, no, no, no.
Fuck no.
I couldn’t take it. “Girl, fuck you!”
“Elliot!” Ma hissed, eyes darting around the restaurant.
“No! Y’all are playing in my face!” My voice shook, but I didn’t care who heard. Let them listen.
“Calm down, yelling in these people’s place like that—you gon’ get us put out! What the hell is wrong with you?”
Was she not just yelling?
“YOU, Ma! You! You’re what’s wrong with me! You and the damn demon you birthed after me!”
I whipped around to face Ryan, breath ragged, rage burning at the back of my throat. This crash-out had been marinating for years.
“What the hell made you think I’d ever go to a wedding involving you and my ex? Are you crazy?”
She didn’t flinch. Calm as ever, like she was bulletproof.
“I want you there.”
“Why?” I snapped, my voice sharp and accusing.
“Because you’re my sister.”
I laughed. “Where was this consideration when you fucked my fiancé? Or when you blamed me for Daddy’s death?”
Ma hung her head.
Ryan’s voice softened. “You don’t even feel slightly responsible?”
I stilled. “What?”
“Drop this,” Ma warned but Ryan didn’t.
“I mean, you were in charge of his care. You knew all about his health conditions, and his eating restrictions, but you still let him eat whatever he wanted. You enabled his bad habits. You let him eat all that bullshit and then couldn’t be bothered to make sure he took his meds. What do you call that?”
I blinked.
Guilt was a funny thing. It didn’t matter how many times I told myself it wasn’t really my fault, how many times I reminded myself that I had done my best—there was always a voice in the back of my head whispering: But what if you had tried harder? What if you had just done more?
It didn’t matter that I’d been working overtime, stretching myself thin to make sure the bills got paid. That I’d laid out his meds every night, tried to coax him into eating healthier, and begged him to take care of himself.
It didn’t matter that I had done everything I could. Because, in the end, none of it had been enough.
And Ryan knew that. She knew where to stab the knife.
“And where was all this concern when he was alive, Ryan?” My voice was tight.
“Stop this,” Ma warned again.
I ignored her. “Where was all this care when he invited you over for barbecues, movie nights, or even just to catch up? You remember those calls, right? I was there when he made them.”
“I said that’s enough, Ellie,” Ma snapped.
Ryan sighed. “I was busy with school.”
Something in my chest cracked. “Busy, huh. That’s why you didn’t check on him? Why didn’t any of you check on him? Why did it fall on me? Why does everything always fall on me?”
Ma slammed her hands on the table. “That’s enough, Elliot. Damn it, I said it was enough.”
Ryan’s eyes glistened, but she held firm. “We all cared about Daddy. We all feel the loss. Not just you.”
My throat tightened. “But I’m the only one to blame, right?”
They both got quiet and stared at me.
“You don’t think I feel guilty enough? That the one day I didn’t check his pressure, the one day I was in a rush, the one day I made a mistake—”
My voice cracked momentarily. The mask slipped, and the jagged edge of grief slipped through, raw and unfiltered. I fought it back, but it was like trying to hold back an avalanche with my bare fucking hands.
“I’ve spent every damn day since then hating myself for that one mistake,” I continued just as fragile as my composure. “I should’ve done more. I could’ve done more. I should’ve caught it, should’ve checked, should’ve…”
I wanted them to see it, the burden that gnawed at me every day since. But all I felt was the distance between us growing wider. I hoped for some comfort, some reassurance. A firm hand on my shoulder to say, “I don’t blame you.”
But it didn’t come.
And that hurt more than I ever expected it to.
Swallowing hard, I wiped away the single tear that had managed to escape and straightened, forcing the mask back into place.
“I don’t even know if it would’ve made a difference, anyway.
” My voice was quieter now. “The man was stubborn. He’d eat whatever he wanted while I was at work, he’d drink, he’d forget his medicine even though I laid it out right next to his bed.
I loved him, but he wouldn’t take care of himself.
He wouldn’t come to terms with his new limitations. ”
My heart beat against my ribcage like a wild animal desperate to escape as I spoke the words I’ve only let play in my mind briefly before I shoved them down. They were cruel but honest.