CHAPTER 1
I keep the smile on my face and it’s only half fake, which is good considering the announcement my best friend just made. Pregnant. She’s pregnant.
I should have known because she’s glowing. Although, to be fair, she’s been glowing since she fell in love with the Falsini triplets and they claimed her as their own, even though Viola, the Guidice princess, was kind of the enemy. In the end, it didn’t matter to them.
They saw her for who she was.
I can’t blame them; she’s always been a force and a source of light. It’s hard not to see her. Yes, some people only saw her as some airhead little rich girl. Those are the people she wanted to fool, and they fell for it. It’s an act I use as well.
It’s easy to wade through the crap people in this world, the ones who will try and use you for what they think they will gain if you only show them who you aren’t and what they expect you to be. If they believe it, if they don’t look deeper, then you don’t have to invest time in them. Fooling people and training them to see what we want was our armor, but Viola doesn’t have to wear it anymore.
I still do.
No one sees me. Jealousy curls in my stomach no matter how much I try and push it away. It’s not fair to be jealous of my best friend.
We’ve been side by side for as long as I can remember, and I don’t begrudge her the happiness she’s found. I’m glad she has it. She deserves it.
I just can’t help but wonder if I deserve it to.
Maybe I don’t.
Or maybe it’s not up to me at all.
I don’t know and I’m trying not to care, but it’s difficult. Especially when I’m in the same room with Viola’s brothers. Leonardo, Giovanni, and Rocco are the sexiest men I’ve ever met, and I’ve had a crush on them for as long as I can remember. I figured it was just the crush of a girl when I was younger. Then as I got older, I saw being with the three of them wasn’t possible.
Three men, brothers at that, with the same girl? It was an impossibility.
Now that Viola is with her triplets, the burning ache of not having what my heart desires is back. It’s been there for months, even though I’ve tried to ignore it.
The problem isn’t being with the three of them anymore because I know it could happen and work. No, now it’s much worse.
They don’t see me. They never have.
At least, they don’t see me as anything more than Fleur Whelan. Best friend to their sister. The club princess of the Devil’s Saints Motorcycle Club thanks to my father Lucifer, the Prez, and my brother and VP, Prodigal.
I’ve never just been Fleur to them. I’ve never been a woman. I’ve never been my own person who has desires to fulfill and love to give.
I shuffle around the dining room table in Dante Guidice’s house where we’ve been celebrating Viola’s birthday over a decadent dinner. Dante is the eldest of Viola’s brothers and the head of the Guidice crime family while his brothers work underneath him in the organization. Men skirting the law and sometimes breaking it without remorse isn’t new for me. I might not have been privy to club business growing up, but I’m not stupid.
Now that Viola has been thoroughly kissed by her men and hugged by her brothers, I wrap my arms around her to give her my love, brittle as it might feel against my soul. She’s still the only person I know who understands me. She’s still the sister of my soul, no matter how hard it can be to be around her happy light which is fueled by a love I’m trying not to covet.
Not that I would want the Falsini triplets. I might like dark and broody—which the Guidice brothers are—but I don’t want my best friend’s men. I want my own. I want the ones who will never see me.
“Congratulations,” I whisper to my friend. “I’m so happy for you.”
From the way Viola pulls back and her eyes study me, it’s clear she heard the way my voice cracked a little bit. I’ve been trying to ignore the uneven ground while stumbling forward in my life. Apparently, I haven’t been doing a very good job.
“Fleur,” she breathes out and I shake my head.
“No, V,” my voice is fierce, but not sharp. “I’m so happy for you. You found something you didn’t know you needed with your men, and you fought for it just as hard as they fought for you.” My hand covers her belly which isn’t showing her pregnancy at all yet. “I can’t wait to meet my little niece or nephew.”
She smiles at me, but it doesn’t quite erase the worry for me in her eyes. “You’ll be the best aunt to our little one,” her voice is full of sincerity and has the backs of my eyes burning with unshed tears.
I’ve never been much of a crier. I didn’t have a lot of room for it in my life, not when I was surrounded by the club where strength matters, even when it comes to the old ladies and princesses. You can’t show weakness to your enemy. It’s something I know Viola understands.
I clench my jaw to bite back my gooey emotions and roll my eyes at my friend. “It seems the hormones are already getting to you and making you soft.”
She barks out a laugh and shakes her head, the worry over me being chased away by the joy of her life now gone. As it should be. I hug her again and then let her go when Marco walks up behind her and wraps her up in his arms. I push the fragment of jealousy away and smile at my friend and the love she’s found. I wiggle my eyebrows at her which has her sticking her tongue out at me.
“We’ll have to go shopping soon. You’ll need to get a whole nursery together and there’s not much I like more than shopping,” I tease my best friend.
“Fuck, baby clothes are the cutest,” she gushes, and I nod enthusiastically.
She’s not wrong. I can admit, if only to myself, that I’ve looked at baby clothes and stuff before. They’re so small, it’s hard to believe they would fit on anyone, even a baby. I haven’t had the chance to spend a lot of time around babies or kids, but I’ve always wanted them. I’ve always wanted a family.
“Soon,” I promise her. “Just tell me when and you know I’ll be there.”
She surprises me with another quick hug even with Marco’s arms still wrapped around her. “I love you,” she whispers, and those fucking tears are threatening to make themselves known again.
When pulling away from her, her eyes are glassy, and I frown at her which has her bright laugh filling the space around us. I wink at her before I start to move away, knowing it won’t be the last time we’ll be celebrating the next addition to the Guidice family. Or is it the Falsini family? I guess it doesn’t really matter.
I slip away, just needing a little bit of space, needing a breath. I’m so fucking happy for my best friend, but there’s an ache in my chest I can’t ignore. I won’t be able to stay for much longer, but I won’t be the storm cloud over my friend’s night either. It feels like there’s something crawling underneath my skin—unresolved dreams and restless aspirations to have something more in my life.
I’m so in my head that I barely stop myself from screaming when someone grabs my shoulder and spins me around. I was so damn close to being out back where the cool night air could soothe some of the jagged pieces of me, but I’m looking up into the eyes of the Guidice brothers instead. None of them are wearing the same expression, which isn’t surprising considering they’re very different men.
Rocco looks pissed, which is nothing new. I swear he’s a powder keg about to erupt at any minute. Giovanni looks amused, curious and hungry. It’s a look I’ve seen on his face, but it’s never been directed at me before. I’m not sure I like it at all. Leonardo looks concerned. It’s like a knife to my heart because I have no doubt it stems from some feeling of obligation toward me which is the last thing I want.
“What was Viola talking about at dinner?” I arch an eyebrow at Rocco’s snarled words, and I swear jealousy flashes across his features even though it makes no damn sense. “Why would she mention you and Club Sin in the same sentence?”
I keep my face carefully blank. I was really hoping no one would notice her joking about not needing me to renew her Club Sin membership as a gift. Apparently, luck is not on my side. Giovanni was the only one who reacted, but then again, I was hoping a hole would open underneath me and swallow me whole and didn’t notice if anyone else heard.
“It’s really none of your business,” I hiss, hoping they don’t notice me blushing while my cheeks feel warmer. Now is not the time to blush like a fucking schoolgirl.
I own my own sexuality and have for a long time. I’m not going to be ashamed of it and I sure as hell don’t owe anything to the men in front of me, who are now wearing matching scowls like they rehearsed that shit. I look them over and feel my heart cracking.
Now they see me? Or do they think I’m ridiculous? Not that it matters.
“Why would you go to a place like that?” Leonardo looks pissed and his voice holds barely contained rage. Rage directed at me. But I see no jealousy.
He’s always been the one able to hold his emotions behind a mask almost as effectively as Dante. Because of that it’s never been easy to get a read on him.
I arch an eyebrow and square my shoulders while raising my chin. I repeat his words slowly, “A place like that?” Gio’s scowl cracks and I swear the corner of his mouth twitches like this is all fun for him. Well, good for him; it’s not fun for me. “What exactly does that mean?”
Rocco snarls, “A sex club.”
Gio’s voice layers over his brother’s when they speak at the same time, “A place to have fun.”
Leo, wisely, keeps his mouth shut. I’m not sure if it’s because he can read the retribution in my eyes or because he’s surprised that I’m pushing back against him, them. I don’t normally. It wasn’t worth it before, and it’s not like they really saw me for me and not the girl I was when Viola and I became friends, so what would the point be? Yes, I say that knowing full well that Rocco is younger than me, but he’s always seemed wise beyond his years.
I shake my head and take a deep breath before blowing it out slowly. “I will not be interrogated by the likes of you,” I give Gio a pointed look because he’s the playboy out of the three brothers and always has been. “What I do with my time is my business and my business alone. What I do with my body,” Rocco growls from the back of his throat and I have to lock my knees so I don’t melt into a puddle at his feet, “is my business. I am a grown fucking woman.”
All three men’s eyes slide down the length of my body in such a way that has goosebumps covering my skin and my pussy getting wet. I’ve always been attracted to them since I understood what it was to even feel attraction. I’ve always wanted them. They never looked at me the way they’re looking at me right now.
It scares me just as much as it excites me.
“What, exactly,” Leo’s voice is low and filled with seduction, “are you doing with your body, Fleur?”
“None of your business,” I swallow hard when my voice comes out breathy when I really wanted it to be firm.
Damn them for looking hot as possession flashes in their eyes like I’m not the same person they ignored for years.
“You aren’t going back there,” there’s a threat in Rocco’s words and I know I need to get the hell away from them before I do something stupid.
Like rip my clothes off and drop to my knees with my pussy on display for them.
“Not without us,” Gio practically fucking purrs, his tongue coming out to sweep across his bottom lip.
I force myself to detach from the conversation, knowing full well I’ll be analyzing every breath of it later. When I’m alone.
I look each man in the eye before I take a step toward them. When they part for me, like touching me would give them cooties or something, my heart shatters. Again.
It’s not the first time and it won’t be the last. Pull yourself together.
I keep my head held high while I walk away from them, give Viola one more hug, and then leave the Guidice mansion. I certainly don’t look back. And I definitely don’t let the tears fall until I’m safely locked inside my own home.
Alone.
Again.