CHAPTER 5
I look back at Club Sin, a place I’ve never found imposing until this moment. It’s a beautiful plantation home that has been used for something that I’ve needed in my life. Oddly enough, it’s given me a sanctuary, a place to be me without anyone knowing me. I’ve found out things about myself within those walls that I wouldn’t have been able to anywhere else.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to come back here now.
Not after last night.
Not after barely being able to wiggle out of the grasp of the Guidice brothers this morning.
How could I? I shudder at the thought of stepping foot inside and letting anyone else look at me let alone touch me.
What a fucking shame. The three men I have wanted forever—the ones who avoided me and looked at me like I was their sister, the men I can never have—have ruined me for all other men. I wonder if that was their goal the entire time. It wouldn’t surprise me.
Whatever they wanted to talk to me about and their reason for tracking me down at Club Sin was lost in a fog of desire and then I was asleep. I tried to fight the satisfied exhaustion that swept through me because I was sure I would wake up to find out it was all a dream. It was impossible.
I slept better than I have ever slept in my life.
I’m sure it had something to do with being surrounded by their warmth. I had no idea Rocco was such a cuddler, but I woke up this morning with him wrapped protectively around my back with a hold on me that made me wonder if the pretty words from last night could be real. Leo was framing my front and Gio had his head resting on my calf as he slept at the foot of the bed.
I could feel them before I even opened my eyes, and I wasn’t disappointed by all the toned bronze skin on display when I finally talked myself into looking. They were just as beautiful with the light peeking through the curtains on the windows as they were last night when they were staring at me with an intensity that made me instantly soaking wet. I had to get the fuck out of there.
I don’t know if I mastered levitation or if luck was, finally, on my side, but I managed to get out of bed without waking any of the brothers. I was even able to get dressed, as I looked longingly at the corset they put me in last night, and then escaped out the door, through the building, and outside.
I’ve never been corseted before. Honestly, I didn’t understand the appeal. I’ve been more than happy to wear something if it was requested, but just a corset? And that be a thing?
Now I get it.
It’s not really about the corset.
There’s a certain ritual to tightening the laces that goes hand in hand with your movement and breathing being constricted. Everything in my body became very attuned to my men and our collective pleasure with every lace they tightened and every brush of their skin against mine.
Fuck.
Not my men.
The Guidice brothers can never really be mine.
I’m not concerned about Viola caring if I’m with her brothers. Hell, she’d probably throw a damn parade if she were to find out we spent the night together. I do think my family would have a little bit of a problem with it considering my father, as President of the DSMC, has done business with the Guidice family for as long as I can remember. Yeah, he would be less than enthused about it.
The realization that I’ll never get what I really want, what I know is right in the deepest part of me, has tears welling up in my eyes. I am not a crier.
I almost sag in relief when the car I ordered arrives. I never drive to Club Sin, especially when I used to go with Viola before she got with the Falsini triplets. There is no doubt that Viola’s car is equipped with a tracker and though I’ve never asked, I would not be at all surprised to find out mine is as well.
My father has always been overprotective. There were times when it wasn’t so bad, but when my brother came back home after losing himself in being a nomad following the death of his girlfriend, he decided I needed another man in my life who wanted to smother me.
I know it all came from a place of love, which I am lucky to have in my life, but it’s all too much sometimes. It’s made me feel like I can’t be myself time and time again. I want to be able to be wild and fuck up without anyone knowing unless I tell them.
Aren’t we all supposed to make mistakes?
Yes, those mistakes don’t sting as much when you have a net to catch you. I won’t deny the truth of it. But you still have to make the wrong decisions and learn from them.
No one can avoid getting hurt, no matter who wants to protect them. It might be something completely unforeseen. It might be because of someone you allow in your life. It might be because of your own actions.
No one can avoid it, but that hasn’t stopped my family—my father and brother most of all—from trying to wrap me in bubble wrap and close me inside who they think I should be in the attempt to keep the evil of the world away from me. It’s sweet and I know it comes from love, but at the same time, it makes me feel stifled.
Once I get dropped off at home, I shower quickly and then head out to meet mom at the DSMC clubhouse. I almost didn’t go to Club Sin last night because of our lunch date today, but it felt like I was about to crawl out of my skin as the way the Guidice brothers cornered me at Viola’s birthday dinner kept playing over and over in my head.
I needed a release and I sure as hell got one. I had no idea the brothers who had been haunting me would be the ones to give it to me though. I figured I would try and get them out of my head by purging them from my system.
Clearly, things did not go as planned.
Now they’ve burrowed even deeper inside me. I can’t help but smile as I wonder what they’re going to do when they wake up to find me gone. I’m sure it won’t be good.
Or maybe they won’t care at all.
That thought has me frowning as I pull into the compound and park my car before heading toward the large double doors where the devil’s skull which makes up the DSMC insignia greets me. Most people would find it odd, but the large, renovated warehouse that the club calls home has always felt like a touchstone to me.
Some of the biggest events in my life and the life of my family were celebrated within the walls of the clubhouse. For many this wouldn’t be normal, but not for me. It’s the way I was raised and the loyalty, determination, grit, and strength I was raised around seeped into my blood just as much as it did my brother’s.
Prodigal lost his way for a little while, but he’s been back for years now. I resented him for a long time. Well, maybe that’s not true. I was angry. He missed so many of the years when I was growing up and while I hated that he lost the girl he loved, he didn’t have to leave his family behind in the attempt to heal.
At least, that’s what I thought when I was a girl. Now, I understand what he needed in a way that I didn’t even when he came back home and certainly not when I was a kid. He needed to run, while hoping the demons of his past weren’t fast enough to catch up. I don’t think he was ever fast enough, which is why he came back.
I’m glad he did. I missed my brother for the six years he was gone.
When he came back, I would still see the shadows and pain in his eyes. Lately though, since he found Wrenly—who, oddly enough, is the younger sister of the girl he lost all those years ago—there is light in his eyes. The love he has for Wrenly is a beautiful thing and I’m only slightly jealous of it.
Okay, sometimes a little more than slightly, but I don’t let that rule me because I’m happy has fuck for him and the future laid out in front of him. I just wish I had the same.
None of the relationships I’ve tried to be in have lasted. None of the guys I’ve been with were strong enough to stand up to my family or the legacy of the DSMC that is wrapped around me. None of them had the same grit. Loyalty was something they could barely spell let alone embody.
I should have known it wasn’t ever going to work out with them.
When I hit the common room of the clubhouse, I see my mom sitting at one of the tables off to the side and I go over to her right away because I need the kind of hug only a mom can give. She looks a little startled when I wrap my arms around her. Her recovery is quick and then her arms are wrapped around me, surrounding me in comfort and stability in a way that she’s always been able to do.
Her voice is full of questions, but she only asks, “Are you okay?”
I swallow hard before I talk, but I manage to force out, “I’m fine, Mom. I just missed you.” I pull back from her and force a smile. “That’s not a crime, now, is it?”
She narrows her eyes at me, and I know she knows that I’m a big liar. I’m not surprised, she’s always seen far more than I wanted her to see. Thankfully, she doesn’t call me out on it and just nods her head.
After she stands, she leads me to the kitchen. “Come on, sit with me while I get our lunch together.”
“You don’t want to go out?” When she looks at me, I pout which has her rolling her eyes and laughing. “It’s a good thing anything you make will be awesome,” I grouse.
“I know,” she chirps before I stand and lean against the counter in the large kitchen which takes up a good portion of the back of the clubhouse.
The men here all like to eat and while not all of them are amazing cooks, Mom has always been one to make sure the brothers get fed. Even though there are other old ladies amongst the club, the ones who have been around for a long time don’t spend as much time here as they used to.
I remember it being one big family when I was growing up. As the boys started growing into men and became members, along with more guys their age, something shifted within the club. I guess it’s a changing of the guard or something as the next generation comes up, but it certainly took away some of the family feeling I was used to.
I get it and I hope that more of the younger guys find old ladies because I’m tired of being one of the few women my age around here. I have Wrenley when she’s around, and I love my sister-in-law, but other than her and a few others, there are only the club angels.
I’m not friends with any of the angels. Most of them walk around without anywhere near enough clothing and they love drama. They soak that shit up like a damn sponge and I just don’t have the time for that kind of mess in my life.
I don’t care that they chose to be angels considering I can’t imagine any of the brothers being my man. It’s their body and they can do what they please with it, but I don’t understand why most of the angels think that they’re above me. They aren’t. I’m the club princess and the sooner they figure that shit out, the better.
New angels are the worst, but they learn pretty quickly considering I don’t suffer their foolishness and will put them in their place and the brothers will back me up.
“I haven’t seen you very much lately,” Mom’s prodding is gentle and pulls me out of my thoughts.
“I’ve been here and there,” I shrug while keeping my voice neutral. She doesn’t need to know what I’ve been up to, which hasn’t been much more than staying at home because I was afraid the Guidice brothers were going to pop up around every corner. “I told you Viola is pregnant.”
Mom smiles wide and nods. “Are her men thrilled?” I smirk and she giggles before asking gently, “What about her brothers?”
I shrug and try not to look too deeply into what she’s really asking. Mom knows I’ve had a crush on Leo, Gio, and Rocco for years. I wasn’t very good at hiding it when I was younger.
“The entire family is thrilled for her.” I almost pat myself on the back for skirting her question honestly. “I’m thrilled for her. She’s practically glowing.”
Mom grins as she plates up lunch. Just as I pick up my plate, Scythe, one of the club’s enforcers, comes into the kitchen. He immediately grabs a handful of the chips on my plate before ruffling my hair like I’m twelve fucking years old.
I hiss, “What the fuck?”
He shrugs one shoulder and looks at me like I’m an adorable little kitten. “I’m hungry.”
“Then go and make yourself some food,” I seethe.
Scythe throws his head back and laughs like I’m adorable. It’s the same way the guys around here have treated me most of my life and being a whole grown up woman hasn’t changed anything. My heart aches with the knowledge that this is how my life will continue to be.
I had a chance to change it. I think. But since I snuck out of Room Eight and might have fucked up whatever was going on between me and the Guidice brothers, I have a feeling the chance has evaporated.
Mom just laughs and then sets about making a plate for Scythe like he’s not a grown ass man who is capable of making his own food.
“He can do that himself, Mom,” I grumble at her.
“I like taking care of my boys,” she reminds me with a smile, and I can only sigh.
“Thanks, Celeste,” Scythe’s voice is quiet and full of appreciation before he kisses her cheek and takes his plate from her.
I know she likes taking care of the club brothers. She’s been doing it for a long time, and everyone appreciates what she does. If that wasn’t the case, I would put my foot down. But everyone here loves her.
She found her place.
Will I ever find mine?