Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
Ivy needed air but stayed seated. Her heart raced, her thoughts scattering like the papers Cleopatra shoved off a desk when George was hot on her heels.
Was Caleb speaking to her? But no… that was ridiculous. He wasn’t falling in love with her. They had no understanding between them. Nothing had been spoken. Neither had so much as hinted at feelings toward one another.
“Your turn,” Teddy announced, swiveling in her chair toward Ivy.
She stiffened. “My turn for what?”
“For explainin’ what it’s like when a woman falls in love.”
She sucked in a breath. Absolutely not. “I… I can’t.”
Josie blinked. “Why ever not?”
Heat crept up Ivy’s chest and neck. “Because I’ve never been in love.”
Everyone glanced at one another as if she’d just confessed to committing murder. But what did they expect from someone on the shelf?
“Oh,” Margaret said softly. “Well.”
Teddy frowned. “Never?”
“No,” Ivy said firmly. “So I’m hardly an authority on the subject.”
Teddy brightened. “Then you should describe what you think it might be like.”
Was she kidding? “I won’t,” Ivy said. “That would be dishonest.”
Teddy grinned. “Then I will.”
Ivy’s jaw dropped. She snapped it shut. “Teddy… I had no idea you’ve been in…”
“When a woman falls in love,” Teddy interjected, cutting her off. “She knows it on account her belly feels like it’s full of bees. I hear tell she stops sleepin’, not to mention eatin’. But the biggest tell is she wants to hit the man with somethin’.”
Caleb coughed violently into one hand.
Margaret looked scandalized. “Teddy!”
“And,” Teddy continued, undeterred. “She gets all dramatic and cries at the silliest things.” She crossed her arms. “It’s a big nuisance, if ya ask me.”
“That can’t be right,” Ivy blurted.
Teddy’s eyes sparkled. “It ain’t?”
Ivy stood, and before she knew it, her words tumbled out. “That’s not what it’s like at all.”
Teddy made a face. “Are ya sure?”
“When a woman falls in love,” Ivy said with an eyeroll.
“She isn’t dramatic like you say.” She clasped her hands together and tried to get hold of herself.
Good grief! What was she doing? Her gaze slid around the room and landed on Caleb.
“When a woman falls in love, she… well, she wants the other person’s burdens to be…
lighter. She’d carry them herself if she could, even at her own cost.” She glanced away, trying not to look at him, but it was hard. He watched her with rapt attention.
Maybe if she kept talking and focused elsewhere? Ivy stared at the door to the back rooms. “She tries to… imagine what her life would be like with the other person in it. What would their day-to-day lives look like?”
Caleb sat frozen, still watching her.
Ivy forced herself to turn back to Teddy.
“She becomes honest with herself.” She licked her lips and stared at the floor.
“About what she wants and what she fears.” She blinked a few times and met Teddy’s gaze.
“And about what she might lose. I think… some women fear losing themselves when they fall in love. So they never allow it to happen.” Her voice softened. “It’s tragic, when you think about it.”
Margaret dabbed at her eyes with her handkerchief. “That’s true, my dear.”
Josie took one look at her sister and shook her head.
Ivy shrugged. “I imagine a woman tells herself she’s only feeling concern for the other person. Nothing more. And if there is more, she convinces herself it’s compassion, or maybe admiration.”
Teddy uncrossed her arms and gave Ivy a look that dared her to continue. Well. She’d come this far.
“But deep down, she knows the truth,” Ivy said. “She knows because the thought of losing him hurts more than the thought of wanting him. It becomes the quiet ache in her heart at night that whispers this to her. And in the day, she must live with it.”
Silence filled the office.
Ivy stared at the table. When she finally dared to glance Caleb’s way, he sat slack-jawed, staring at her.
She blew out a breath and focused on Teddy. “That’s what I… imagine love is like.” She didn’t dare look at Caleb again. In fact, no one looked at him. All eyes were on her.
Ivy wasn’t sure how much time passed. It could have been only a minute. But it was long enough for Caleb’s words to echo in her mind. Is she warm enough? Has she eaten? Is she safe?
Ivy sat again, pressed her hands flat on the desk, and willed her breathing to steady. He answered Teddy’s question. Nothing more. None of his words were directed at her.
Then why had his eyes never left her face? She swallowed and stared at the open ledger in front of her. The ink blurred as her pulse thudded in her ears.
She had just confessed her feelings to the entire room. Not in so many words, but that’s what happened. She felt lighter somehow, even if the confession was roundabout. Or she could have simply said she’d fallen in love with Caleb Hartwell. But then she’d be fired on the spot, so…
Besides, had Caleb even noticed?
She glanced his way. He spoke with Miss Fairchild while his eyes darted between Ivy and the door. He was probably trying to wrap up the interview as quickly as possible.
Margaret hovered nearby, listening. Josie sat at another desk going over paperwork. And Teddy… she sat across from Ivy, watching everything with a knowing smirk Ivy didn’t want to think about.
This was not how her life was meant to unfold. She had responsibilities. Grandma Evie. Their home. Her position at the Sisters’ Mail-Order Bride Company. She’d promised herself she wouldn’t complicate things by wanting what she couldn’t have.
The problem was her heart refused to listen.
She forced her attention back to the ledger. Hadn’t she been about to make an entry earlier? She glanced up and was caught by Augusta’s sharp gaze. Oh no.
Augusta stood near the door that led to the back rooms, arms crossed, her expression unreadable. Ivy hadn’t heard her enter. Her stomach dropped.
Augusta looked right through her, hearing her speech for what it truly was. A confession.
Ivy’s cheeks burned. She lowered her gaze at once, but it was too late. Augusta knew. Cold settled in her chest.
To make matters worse, Augusta’s attention shifted to Caleb. He stood, intake form in hand. Miss Fairchild thanked Margaret as she rose. Caleb nodded politely, murmured something kind, then turned… and froze when he saw Augusta staring him down.
Ivy watched his expression change. Confusion flickered first. Then something like understanding. He squared his shoulders as his jaw tightened. Not in defiance, judging from the look on his face, but in awareness.
Ivy blinked. Wait. Did he think Augusta believed he had fallen in love?
But had Augusta even heard his little talk? Perhaps she only assumed he’d taken too long with the interview. That had to be it. Augusta had only heard her.
Ivy closed her eyes briefly. She was a fool to hope otherwise. Even more foolish to let her feelings show when she should have guarded them. What an idiot!
The Merriweather sisters ran a business built on rules and propriety. They had been clear, especially about fraternization. And Ivy had broken that rule.
Ivy imagined being called aside, told they valued her work but that circumstances had changed. She would lose her position. The small security she and Grandma Evie were only just beginning to depend upon.
Her chest tightened. Rent. Food. Coal. Medicine. The endless, exhausting math of survival. And lurking behind it all, like an uninvited snake in one’s bed, was Edward Grimsby’s smile.
Her hands trembled as she fought the urge to cry.
Augusta lifted a hand, catching her attention. “Miss Goodhart, may I have a word with you?”
This was it.
Ivy’s heart sank as she stared at the ledger once more, unable to bear another look. Her vision blurred at last.
She had fallen in love. And in doing so, she was about to lose everything.
“Miss Goodhart?”
Ivy’s fingers curled into the ledger’s edge. Her heart hammered so loudly she was certain everyone could hear it. “Yes, ma’am.” She stood slowly, her chair scraping just enough to make Margaret glance up.
Augusta took a step forward as George burst through the door behind her like a cannonball.
Cleopatra shot past Margaret and Josie, heading straight for Ivy. Ivy hadn’t even seen her dart out ahead of the dog. George skidded across the floor, sending a chair careening into Josie’s desk and nearly knocking Ivy over.
“George, no!” Teddy laughed and scrambled around the table to catch him.
Cleopatra hissed as George bolted her way. Margaret hurried forward. “George, stop this instant!”
The dog didn’t stop. As usual, the office erupted into chaos. Voices overlapped as everyone chased after the dog and cat. Laughter and frustration tangled together, and Ivy stood in the middle of it all, unseen.
No one was looking at her. Augusta was already crouched to retrieve fallen papers, her attention fully diverted. Margaret ushered Miss Fairchild back from the fray while Josie and Caleb tried to herd George toward the back door. And Teddy, the traitor, was laughing outright.
Ivy’s pulse thundered. This was her chance. If she stayed, she would crumble when Augusta said the words Ivy already knew were coming.
You have been indiscreet.
This is not acceptable.
We must think of the reputation of the company.
Ivy swallowed. If she left now, she could gather herself and face Augusta tomorrow. Or better yet, later this evening. She stepped quietly toward the coat rack and main office door.
No one noticed.
She paused long enough to steady herself, pressing a hand to her chest. She hadn’t been formally dismissed, but she knew she would be. Would it be better to tell Augusta she quit?
The thought followed her as she slipped her coat and scarf from the rack and moved into the front hall and vestibule, her steps measured.