Chapter 18
Brielle
Maybe he regrets bringing me into his room at all.
Maybe he”s disgusted with the way I came on to him last night.
Maybe he hates himself for getting hard because deep down he truly finds me repulsive.
There has to be a reason as to why he said one thing, that he”d sit with me today, and then not a few minutes later, he suddenly had an excuse that put distance between the two of us.
I know it shouldn”t feel like a betrayal, but I can”t stop my mind from going there. I got too comfortable. I let the routine we had shadow everything else.
I can only be tolerated for so long before people grow frustrated and cast me aside.
I squeeze my eyes shut when my mind tries to convince me that any attention is better than no attention. Nathan would isolate me, and I don”t mean away from the public. I”d be in a sort of solitary confinement situation. I wouldn”t be able to hear or see anything, and it was maddening. There were times that I”d pray for attention even if it was the bad kind. Humans aren”t meant to spend so much time alone. It”s unnatural.
I know his offer to let me come along with him was just a tease. He knows I can”t leave this place. I”m in enough danger as it is. Going out in the open where one of Nathan”s men could get to me would be foolish, but apparently, he likes to torture me with the idea of it. It was like dangling a raw steak in front of a hungry lion only to snatch it away.
I want nothing more than to be able to jump in the car and go for a ride or simply walk the aisles of a grocery store. It was what I envisioned when I left Ohio over a year ago, but it’s never happened.
I”ve been locked away in the women”s shelter the entire time.
I should”ve listened to my gut instead of trying to help Beth.
My mind is at war with itself.
Logically, I know that Beck has a job with Cerberus. He has responsibilities that don”t include spending his time with me.
Maybe I should consider myself lucky that I got the time with him that I did.
Maybe I should evaluate why his not being in the room with me right now causes me so much distress.
I knew things would change after the doctor told him that he could take the sling off his wrist. I”ve heard stories of Cerberus from some of the women back at the shelter. They aren”t exactly known for loafing around and not getting shit done. Hell, if I wanted to believe everything they whispered while making dinner, I”d believe they were capeless heroes. According to some, they”re the ultimate catch.
I can see it a little I guess. They commanded the situation after Xan was shot despite the local police being there.
Even though the whole alpha thing isn”t my cup of tea—I mean, how could it be after years with Nathan and Xan—I guess I can see the appeal.
I”m sitting on the end of the bed with the television off when he comes back into the room.
I was feeling bratty and like I should cause problems while he was gone, but the sight of him stepping inside the room, that little smile toying at the corner of his mouth, makes me second-guess everything.
Capeless hero or not, the man is dangerous, and I don”t think it”s in a violent, harmful sort of way.
”Your last name is Newton?” I ask stupidly. I definitely can”t do the things my mind is telling me to do, although I know it would keep him here for a while.
”Beck Keller,” he answers. ”Newton is my road name, or nickname if that makes sense.”
I pull in a deep breath as I regard him. ”So, you”re a genius?”
His smile grows, and it”s more than a little devastating.
I feel ensnared looking at him.
Even the tattoos appeal to me, despite being told as I grew up that tattoos are trashy. If anything, they help the police identify you faster, and we need to be noticeable but also forgettable. We don”t need extra distinguishing marks on our body that would help a witness pick us out of a lineup.
I shake my head, trying to rid it of everything that ever came out of Nathan”s mouth, but I know it”ll never be possible.
It”s insane to me, the things that were told to me, the training I received from such a young age so I”d be tough, a better criminal, an asset to the family.
”I”m not a genius. I just read a lot and have a pretty good memory,” he explains.
So there”s very little chance he’s forgotten how much of a fool I made of myself last night... great.
”I was hoping we could sit in the living room and maybe catch Beth,” I tell him. ”Unless you have something better to do.”
His jaw flexes and I know he catches the irritation in my voice at him being gone today, but he”s enough of a gentleman not to say anything else on the subject.
”Do you want to go now or wait until a little later? I know they went on a ride, so they won”t be back for a while.”
”Is she okay?” I blurt. ”I mean, after what happened?”
Beck shrugs. ”Everyone is going through their own shit. You should know that better than anyone else.”
I nod in understanding. He”s not going to tell me a damn thing about Beth, but what I don”t know is why. Is it because he”s protecting her? Maybe his loyalties lie with Oracle and Beth. Maybe I”m not even a consideration. Hell, maybe he doesn”t know how she”s doing. Maybe he doesn”t gossip, even though it”s not like I”m asking just to chat him up and have something to talk about.
I look toward the closed closet door, knowing that my pile of blankets and pillow are still in there on the floor. It”s harder than it should be to look away when I know I can find comfort in that tiny space.
It”s going out and facing the demons and regrets that”s hard. Hiding and refusing to acknowledge the issues in my life are the easy parts, but I never wanted to take the easy way out. If anything, I”m more likely to stir the pot and force someone into action than be the timid scared woman, despite the pain it might bring me.
”I think we could go out there and sit, even if they don”t show up. I just feel like I need to get out of this room.”
”Sounds like a plan.”
I stand but freeze before following him to the door leading into the hallway. ”Will you stay with me?”
”Of course,” he answers, as if he didn’t just leave me alone for hours.
We aren’t able to sit in the same spot we sat in before because someone else is there, but Beck leads me over to a different sofa, letting me pick which spot I prefer before sitting right beside me. When I feel half a dozen eyes on me, I fight the urge to either get up and leave or lean into him and absorb some of his warmth.
As much of a freak show I feel like, it doesn”t take conversation long to start back up again. These people seem so at ease with each other.
Since I spent so much time observing human behavior when I lived with Nathan, it has always been easy for me to determine whether or not people were genuine. If there was someone in the group that I couldn”t quite get a read on, then I put them in the stay-away category. Some people just have this unapproachable air about them.
This group of people all seem really nice. They chat and laugh, telling jokes and stories about their lives before they knew each other. I don”t get the sense that they”re trying to one-up each other. Some of the women at the shelter were like that. They”d always have to add something to their story, pretending that someone else”s story made them remember a part of theirs, but I could always tell when they were lying. Some of those women made their stories sound much worse than they were, as if getting beaten by a spouse wasn”t bad enough.
I felt pity for them, but it also made me keep my distance. Many of them kept their distance from me because I never talked about what happened with Nathan and Xan. It”s nobody”s business. I certainly never felt the need to be the most abused one, as if it would win me some sort of trauma award.
The roar of a motorcycle outside doesn”t make the conversation pause, but I imagine they hear bikes coming and going all the time.
Beck shifts beside me, and when I look over at him, I find him looking down at me.
”That”s them,” he says softly. ”I don”t want you to get your hopes up. Remember, you can ask to speak with her, but you can”t force her to. I wouldn”t let anyone force you into a conversation you don”t want to have. We have to give Beth the same respect.”
I swallow a lump in my throat as I nod in agreement. It”s as if he already knows she”s going to refuse but she”s had some time to settle since the altercation at the house. As I stand to go toward the front door, I let a little hope rise up inside of me.
Beth was always kind to me, although she was a little tough in the beginning.
Unable to resist when I hear footsteps on the front porch, I lift my finger to my lips and chew nervously on the corner of it.
The unease feels foreign to me. I”ve always been really good at the fake it until I make it type of situations. Right now, I feel completely out of my element.
The door opens, and hope gains some traction when Beth and Oracle step inside with wind-blown hair, rosy cheeks, and smiles on their faces.
The way she looks up at him makes me realize that they have something that a lot of people are missing in their lives.
”Can we talk?” I ask before I lose my nerve. I only pull my finger from my lips long enough to ask the question before nervously gnawing on it again.
Beth looks from me to Oracle in a way that tells me they”ve had a recent conversation about me.
Sadness immediately begins to settle in me. There”s no light in her eyes for me. If anything, she looks annoyed that I”d even waste the time to ask. I”m no longer a concern for her, and it settles inside of me like a venom that will threaten to eat me from the inside out.
I hate the way my eyes begin to burn. Crying, especially in front of others, is a weakness that can”t be tolerated. But even knowing that, I won”t be able to stop the tears from falling.
”We have nothing to say to each other,” she says with no emotion in her voice whatsoever.
A second later, she walks away as if I”m someone she”s never concerned herself with.
I manage to keep the tears at bay until I feel Beck”s warmth at my side. The second he wraps his arm around my waist, a gasped sob releases.
Embarrassment makes me cry harder because everyone in the living room has grown quiet, witnessing the way I was just insulted.
If I were the woman Nathan wanted me to be, I would swear vengeance and devise a way to get back at her, but I just feel hurt and discarded like trash.
Rather than sticking around to explain what”s going on, Beck turns me toward the hallway, and I allow him to escort me from the room.
I don”t know why I let myself get my hopes up. I never get what I want.
I want to curl up in a ball and cry, but Beck keeps a tight hold on me when I turn toward the closet once we get back into the bedroom. He keeps his arms around me as he kicks off his shoes before urging me onto the bed.
So this is it. This is when he plans to call in his chip and get me on my back.
I lift my eyes to his, but when I offer my mouth, he doesn”t take it.
”It”s fine,” I tell him, knowing I owe him a debt.
He shakes his head before pulling me closer and urging me to lie against his chest.
His hands don”t wander. He doesn”t roll his hips against me.
There isn”t one hint of movement that makes me think he wants more than what he”s offering, and for some fucked-up reason, it feels like another rejection.
The harder I cry, the tighter he holds me.