Chapter 29
AVERY
I’d been out with injuries a few times in my career, including two stints on LTIR and a one-game suspension that I still maintained was complete bullshit. It all came with the territory of a sport like this.
The part I’d never been able to get used to—staying home while my team went out on the road. I could handle being alone during the off season or on days when we didn’t have games or practice. There was just something about being here while my guys were out there that drove me fucking nuts.
And this time was so much worse. I spent the whole first morning wondering why I was so out of sorts, but then I got a text from Peyton and it all made sense. The text itself was benign; he was telling me Eminem was cheating at Hearts again, which… no shit.
But suddenly the pieces connected. My team was gone, and so was Peyton.
God, I missed him.
Texting wasn’t enough. FaceTiming wasn’t enough. I wanted him here. I wanted to be there.
Why, Avery? So you can pine after him when the best you can ever hope for is maybe a pity fuck?
Ugh. God. Yeah, I’d just embarrass myself, wouldn’t I?
I was suddenly restless. My house suddenly seemed too big and quiet.
I needed to get the hell out of here and be somewhere besides alone with my thoughts.
Especially my stupid thoughts about a teammate who’d scraped me up off rock bottom, and who’d politely insisted I hadn’t blown my chance with him even though—let’s be real—I’d blown my chance with him.
Most of my social circle was on the road right now, so my options were limited. The gym, maybe? A good workout was always a nice distraction.
Except I’d worked out this morning before therapy. Damn it.
I scrolled through my phone in search of someone to hang out with, and when I landed on Rachel’s contact, I had a direction. After texting back and forth a bit with her, I went over to help her out with some projects around the house. Those would definitely keep me busy.
She let me in and offered a hug, which was getting more difficult now that she was like eight months along. “Come on in. I’ll get you some coffee.”
“Don’t worry—I can work the coffeepot.”
She waved that away and led me into the kitchen. I didn’t argue as she made me a cup, but I did worry when, after she’d handed it over, she leaned on the counter and rubbed her back gingerly.
“You okay?” I asked.
“Yeah. Yeah. Just…” She pointed emphatically at her belly.
I grimaced. “How, um, how are you feeling these days?”
She blew out a breath. “I’m just trying not to think about how much worse it’s going to get, and I keep reminding myself this heartburn isn’t forever.”
“Heartburn?”
Pointing at her belly again, she muttered, “Comes with the territory.”
“Oh, man. That sucks.”
“Eh. At least this won’t be a summer baby.” She made a face. “Being pregnant when it’s that hot is the worst, especially with twins.”
I grimaced. “I can’t imagine.”
“You have no idea. Let’s go sit.”
I followed her into the living room and took a seat on the couch. It took her some work, but she settled into the recliner, and she sighed with relief as she put up her feet.
I winced sympathetically. I’d never envied my friends’ wives as they’d gone through the latter stages of pregnancy. They always seemed perpetually uncomfortable.
“I was an absolute baby when I had knee surgery,” Astala had once said.
“But I had painkillers, and it really only hurt when I moved. She can’t get anywhere close to comfortable at all, she can’t take a damn thing, and she still has six weeks to go.
” Shaking his head, he’d added, “I’d be lying on the floor and sobbing. ”
“I don’t know how she does it,” Baddy had said another time. “I’d rather have a puck knock out half my teeth than go through that.”
When a reporter asked Eminem if he changed his newborn’s diapers, he’d looked her dead in the eye and said, “I’d have changed his diapers no matter what because I’m his dad.
But after I watched my wife power through that pregnancy from hell and an emergency C-section?
I’ll walk barefoot over Legos to change him so she doesn’t have to lift a finger. ”
Rachel’s first two pregnancies had been pretty rough, too.
The twins had been as difficult as carrying twins apparently was, plus the morning sickness that had put her in the hospital for a few days.
With Elsa, she’d also been sick, and it hadn’t let up after the first trimester; she’d still been green around the gills right up until the end.
On top of that, sciatica had had her in near constant pain for like five months.
“I don’t know how she does it,” Leif had told me more than once. “She’s stronger than I am, that’s for sure.”
I didn’t think he or anyone else had ever imagined she’d have to be this strong, though.
From the looks of it, the gods had scrounged up enough mercy on her not to make her as physically miserable this time around.
Uncomfortable, yes, but she looked a million times better than she had with the previous two.
She’d been through enough in the last year; a relatively easy pregnancy seemed like the least the universe could do for her.
Give this woman a break, all right?
I sipped my coffee. “So where are the kids?”
“Out with my mom. The twins’ class had a field trip this morning, and then she took them all to get lunch and to run around at the park.” Rachel blew out a breath. “She’s been a godsend, let me tell you.”
“I bet.”
Our eyes locked, and I suspected she had the same thought I did in that moment—whenever he wasn’t on the road, Leif always took the kids out to play and burn off energy. He was an amazing father, and he also made sure his wife regularly got breaks for hours at a time.
I cleared my throat. “So, anything you need taken care of?” I gestured to encompass the house and the sprawling yard. “I’m all yours for the day.”
“There isn’t a lot that needs doing, to be honest,” she said. “I’ve had more help than I know what to do with.”
“Yeah?”
“Oh yeah. The team has been amazing.” She smiled, absently resting her hand on her belly.
“Eminem and Baddy have been doing a ton of yardwork. I mean, not that much needs to be done this time of year, but they’ve trimmed back some of the trees and the rosebushes.
Ziggy put up the Christmas lights, and Eminem took them down. You’ve all been such a huge help.”
“You know we’re always here,” I said. “Anything you and the kids need.”
Her smile turned a bit sad, and she nodded. “I know. Believe me, I appreciate it. The wives even threw me a little baby shower. I don’t need a thing—we held on to everything from the other babies—but it was nice, you know? That they’re thinking about me?”
“Of course they are. You and the kids are family.”
“I appreciate that,” she whispered. “And I hope you don’t mind me having you over just for some company.”
“Not at all. I was, um… I was getting a little stir crazy myself, so let’s call it you scratching my back and me scratching yours.”
She laughed and seemed to relax a bit. Knowing her, she both loved and hated everyone fussing over her. Maybe fussing over me gave her something else to focus on.
“I’m glad you’ve had a lot of help,” I said. “You know the team is always here, no matter what.”
“I know. And I appreciate everything everyone has done.” She paused. “Between you and me, though, sometimes… Sometimes all the help makes it worse.”
“How do you mean?”
“Because it’s like this constant reminder that Leif is gone.
I love everyone on the team and everything they’ve done.
But it’s like… Leif should be trimming the rosebushes.
Leif should be putting up the Christmas lights.
Someone else doing those things just…” Her chin quivered and she put a hand to her lips as her eyes welled up. “It just means he’s really gone.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, because I had no idea what else to say.
“God—grief and pregnancy hormones are such a bullshit mix.” She sniffed as she wiped her eyes. Then she cleared her throat and met my gaze. “So how has the program been?” Her brow pinched. “If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay; I’m just worried about you.”
I recognized a subject change when I heard it, and I didn’t mind the topic, so I rolled with it. “It’s been good. I was afraid it would be awful, and it’s had some pretty tough moments, but… it’s been good.”
“And you’re…” She hesitated, eyebrows up. “You’re doing better?”
“I am.” I absently traced my finger around the rim of my coffee cup. “It’s been… It’s been hard, but yeah, I think I’m doing better.” I leaned forward to set the cup on a coaster. “Digging into the feelings and shit?” I blew out a breath.
Rachel winced. “I should probably talk to someone, too. I’m just not sure I’m ready.”
“That’s okay. I wasn’t either, but I fucked myself up drinking, so…”
“Well, I’m glad you got help sooner than later, then.” She offered a faint, sad smile. “The team is here for you too, you know.”
“Touche,” I said with a soft laugh. “Yeah, I know they are. I’m just glad one of them gave me a shove before I dug myself in too deep, you know?”
Rachel held my gaze, and a little smile started to form. “Hall?”
I tilted my head. “Hmm?”
“It was Hall, wasn’t it? Peyton Hall?”
I sat up a little. “How’d you guess?” But then I caught up and leaned back against the cushion. “The interview. Right.”
Rachel shook her head as her knowing smile curled her lips. “No. I did see the interview, but… let’s just say that part didn’t surprise me at all.”
“It didn’t?”
“No. I started coming to some practices and games after Christmas, just to be around everyone and because the kids wanted—anyway, I’ve seen the way you two interact.”
I slouched and exhaled. “That wasn’t pretty for a while.”
“It wasn’t, but I could tell by the way he was looking at you that he was concerned.”
I avoided her gaze as warmth rose in my face. “Yeah. He was. And I was… God, I was such an asshole to him about it, too.”