Chapter 9 Nick #2
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous even though I’m not sure if Aaron has anything in mind besides food.
The prospect of having naked time with Aaron both thrills and terrifies me.
While I am attracted to him, I’m worried that my dick will bail on me again.
I’ve been able to jerk off a couple of times, but my stomach is a bit tied up in knots over the idea that my dick might bail on me again if Aaron and I…
I might not have to worry about it, though, because Aaron’s not flirting.
He’s not “accidentally” bumping into me or letting his hand graze against mine as we walk, nor do I see the spark of anticipation and a sly grin when we catch each other’s eye.
It’s just the two of us walking and talking about nothing in particular.
It could be that all Aaron wanted was to get away from my friends, that being with a group that loud and excited made him miss his brother even more than he usually does.
The thought unexpectedly disappoints me.
“Do you think they’re talking about us?” Aaron asks without preamble. “Back at the restaurant?”
“Would it bother you if they were?”
Aaron shakes his head. “We did leave Kit alone with them, so who knows what he’ll say.” His cheeks turn adorably pink and that makes me wonder what Kit’s said to him. “What about you?” he asks before I can question him. “Will it bother you?”
I think about that for a moment. “Not really. I mean, me leaving with a guy isn’t unusual.”
“I kind of got that, but right after your friends announce they’re engaged? That’s cold.” The smile he gives me tells me he’s teasing.
“Okay. Maybe that was a little different, but…” I shrug. “It’s how my friends see me. It’s what they expect from me.”
“But that’s not really who you are, is it?”
The tone of Aaron’s voice tells me he’s not asking me to confirm it, he’s asking the exact opposite.
For some reason, I don’t want to give him some bullshit answer, so I tell him truthfully that I don’t know.
“I guess it was who I was when we were in school, and that’s what they remember.
” I snort. “I mean, it’s not like we’ve been out of school for decades, or as if they’ve got a lot of evidence to the contrary, but…
” I glance away from Aaron and look at the people around us, my eyes drawn to the couples.
“I’m not sure that’s what I want anymore.
” That statement doesn’t feel strong enough, so I amend it.
“I don’t think it’s who I want to be anymore. ”
Aaron nods, and we continue walking in silence for another block.
“For the record, I wouldn’t be upset if they thought we left to be together,” he says.
My heart beats a little faster at his words. “No?” It’s the only word I can get out of my mouth.
“No.” Aaron gives a quiet, almost embarrassed laugh.
“Kit’s gonna assume that’s what’s happening no matter what I tell him, but it doesn’t have to be…
what they think. It only has to be what we want.
” He clears his throat. “If the only thing happening is you helping me with a bad moment of grief, that’s fine. ”
We’re on the edge of Hayes Valley, about to cross Oak and waiting for the light to change. “Is that what you want?” I ask.
“I don’t know.”
“I don’t know either,” I say and realize I mean it. I’m in uncharted waters here, navigating a kind of attraction I’ve never felt before.
In the past, my interactions have been driven by a desire to fuck someone.
That’s all hookups are whether they’re through an app or meeting someone in a club.
An instant spark of sexual desire that only needs a nod or a certain look to say we’re both on the same page, let’s go.
And once that desire is satisfied, there’s no point in sticking around.
Even my longer relationships, with the exception of my first girlfriend in high school, started out like that, continuing until the sex was no longer fun or our personalities clashed too much to make it worthwhile.
It’s not like I didn’t enjoy spending time with them, but ultimately, the only difference between my partners and my friends was the sex.
It’s different with Aaron, and I’ve never experienced anything like it.
Do I want him? Yes. Of course. He’s gorgeous with dark hair and the kind of eyes I could lose myself in, and I’ve been dying to know what his body looks like without clothes since we met at the coffee shop.
If he gave me that nod or look, I wouldn’t hesitate.
But I’ve also enjoyed talking to him, getting to know him, spending time together.
I feel connected to him in a way that transcends even what I feel for my friends.
I can’t explain it, but I’m drawn to him as much because of that as I am by how much I’m attracted to him.
The appeal of having him in my apartment isn’t because we’ve got privacy and a bed, but because I won’t have to share him with anyone else.
All his words will be for me alone, and it’s a bit mind-blowing that I want that as much as I want to feel his hands on me.