Chapter 9 Magnolia
MAGNOLIA
I wasn’t aware, at the time, what kind of demons Iris was battling.
To me, she was just Iris—bossy older sister who thought of my existence as a personal affront.
Whenever she was at home, she was locked in her room, chatting on the phone to her friends and bitching about life in general.
In the evenings, she was rarely at home.
Despite her keeping a distance from me, I knew she was still keeping an eye on me, still judging me to no end.
Once, after James dropped me off at home, I came inside to find Iris waiting for me, her arms folded across her chest.
“Who was that?” she demanded, as though she were my mother.
“James,” I answered obediently. Even though her tone annoyed me, she was still my older sister. “My friend from badminton.”
“I don’t think it’s a good idea to let strange guys drive you home.”
“He’s not a strange guy, he’s someone I know from badminton. We’ve been friends for over a semester now.”
“How old is he?”
I wished I didn’t have to say. But Iris’s laser eyes burned into my skin until I blurted out, “Nineteen.”
Iris groaned. “Why doesn’t that girl—Wendy? Drive you home?”
“Winnie. She does, sometimes. But sometimes she has other things to do, so…” A tiny part of me hoped that Iris felt guilty about being such a terrible older sister that other people were having to drive me home.
I know, I was an unbearable snot back then.
I never spared a thought for how much of an inconvenience I was to others, having to get rides from people all the time.
“I don’t like the look of this James guy. Don’t be stupid around him.” With that, she turned and left.
After that, every time I was with James, I felt jumpy and paranoid.
Once, I was with Winnie and James on campus when we ran into Iris.
I had no choice but to introduce everyone, and Winnie and James seemed impressed with Iris, but I could tell that though Iris found Winnie just about bearable, she could not stand the sight of James.
Of course, my friends would never be good enough for Iris.
A handful of times, her friends came over, and they seemed so unbelievably cool to me.
Mostly Asian Americans, not a single FOB in the mix, and although they were of Asian ethnicity like me, I felt like we couldn’t be more different.
Everything about them was different from me, down to the way we shaped our eyebrows.
And the guys were devastating—so handsome, most of them thin, but their arms were ropy with muscle.
I had a thing for boys’ arms. To this day, I maintain that the sexiest part of a man is his arms, especially when he wears button-down shirts and rolls up his sleeves to the elbows.
Oh, am I making you uncomfortable? Is it the idea that your grandmother likes men?
That can’t be it; you know I like men, because as you so insistently pointed out before, I married one.
Is it the idea that your grandmother experiences lust? Deal with it, kid.
Anyway, where was I? Right. Iris’s friends.
I remember one of them, a boy of about nineteen, once said, “Your sister’s cute.
What’s her name?” Iris had made gagging noises and said, “Fuck off, she’s a minor.
” And that was that. I was in my room then, and that one comment alone was enough to make me swoon and plan our wedding date.
I didn’t even know his name. When they were gone, I tried to ask, in the most casual way possible, for his name.
But Iris saw right through me and said, “Stay away from my friends. They’re no good. ”
“If they’re no good, why are you hanging out with them?”
“Because unlike you, little lemming, I have a mind of my own. And I know when they’re being assholes. You, on the other hand, would totally go along with whatever stupid shit they come up with.”
“That’s not true.” I hated how petulant I sounded then, how very much like a child.
“ ‘That’s not true,’ ” Iris mimicked. “Okay, Lil’ Sis.” Then, weirdly, her face softened. “Don’t you have badminton tonight?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you need me to drive you?”
“James is taking me.”
Iris groaned. “Dude, James is a little prick. The sooner you see that, the better.”
“Why do you hate me and my friends so much?”
“Why do you keep hanging out with little pricks?”
“What’s so bad about James?”
Iris didn’t even have to mull this over. She stuck out a thumb. “One, he thinks he’s hot shit.” She stuck out her index finger. “Two, he’s nineteen, and you, my dear lil’ sis, are a minor. What’s he doing driving you everywhere? That’s some predatory bullshit, Magnolia.”
“He’s being nice, and he hasn’t said or done anything bad.”
“Yet,” Iris shot back. “Three, didn’t your friend Winnie warn you off him? Even Winnie knows he’s a little prick.”
“Maybe she said it because she likes him,” I muttered.
“Oh yeah, great train of thought, Mags. Blame it on the girl. She can’t possibly dislike a guy because he’s an actual ass. Nooo, it’s gotta be because she secretly has a crush on him.”
“That’s not what I meant. I just—James is nice.”
Iris narrowed her eyes at me. “You like him, don’t you?”
“No!” I felt as though I had a fever, my face was burning up.
“Oh god. You know what? Whatever. I don’t have time for your bullshit. If you want to waste your time on that little shit, knock yourself out. Just…Don’t come crying to me when he gets tired of you and throws you away for the next new thing he sees.”
Tears flooded my eyes, and my nose started running. “Why are you always so mean to me?”
Iris opened her mouth. Then she closed it. “Whatever,” she muttered, and strode back into her room, slamming the door behind her.
When James picked me up, the last thing I felt like doing was smiling, but if there was one thing I was good at, it was pretending everything was just fine.
Some smiles were harder than others, but on the whole, I found it easy to swipe one on, just like applying a layer of lipstick.
He didn’t even notice that anything was wrong.
He said, “Hey, baby, ready to kick some ass tonight?”
I liked the way he called me “baby.” I hadn’t been lying to Iris; James never tried anything with me.
Unlike Ellery, he never once touched me, not even a handshake.
But I was sixteen and I had a crush on every guy who paid a shred of attention to me, and so I noticed things like him calling me “baby” and how he didn’t call any other girl “baby.” God, it was so easy to capture me.
I was so ready to be held in the palm of anyone’s hand, soft and pliant.
So eager for someone to notice me, to look me in the eye and say, “Magnolia, you’re so special, and I’ve been looking everywhere for someone like you. ”
· · ·
For my seventeenth birthday, Ellery threw me a little party at a nearby park. Winnie, James, and a few other people from badminton showed up, as well as a couple of my classmates. My cake said:
Happy birthday, Daisy Hydrangea Tulip! You’re almost not a toddler!
I laughed when I saw it, then I smacked Ellery in the arm.
She gave a mock wince before pulling me into one of her seconds-long hugs.
I watched my friends mingling with one another and a warm glow of happiness pulsed inside me.
They were all here for me. Somehow, I’d managed to carve out my own little circle of friends.
A small space right here in LA, where I belonged.
When it was time for me to blow out the candles, Ellery said, “Don’t forget to make a wish, Tulip. ”
I looked around me. Everyone had gathered around the cake.
James was watching me closely, an unreadable expression on his face.
It looked so intense that I immediately broke eye contact.
Instinctively, I sought out Ellery. Her face was soft, nothing but tenderness written on it.
I closed my eyes. I wasn’t sure exactly what to wish for, aside from knowing that there was an ever-present ache in my chest, and I wanted it to either go away or expand and consume me completely.
In the end, I wished for happiness. The most generic of all wishes, the kind of wish you made when you didn’t know what you wanted.
I blew out the candles. Everyone cheered, and we ate the cake.
When I went home, Iris said, “Where the hell have you been?”
“Ellery wanted to celebrate my birthday,” I said. I could be a passive-aggressive little ass sometimes, plus Iris hadn’t even wished me a happy birthday, and it was almost eight p.m.
“Why does she keep hanging out with a kid? I don’t get it.”
I shrugged and went inside my room, closing the door behind me.
Despite the celebration with my friends, I still felt hollow inside.
I missed Mama and Papa, and the fact that Iris hadn’t even bothered to say “happy birthday” to me stung a lot more than I cared to admit.
I wished I didn’t give a crap what Iris thought, but at the end of the day, I wanted my big sister to love me. God, I was needy.
There was a knock at my door. “What’s up?
” I called out, surprised. Iris didn’t usually bother knocking.
The door opened, and Iris walked in with a tray of muffins, each one with a candle on top of it.
As I watched, open-mouthed, she started singing “Happy Birthday.” A giant smile took over my face and I didn’t bother fighting it.
I beamed like a complete dumbass as Iris finished the song.
“Make a wish, Sis.”
This time, I didn’t have to wonder what to wish for. I closed my eyes and thought: I wish this moment could last forever.