Chapter 22 Magnolia
MAGNOLIA
I hope you don’t think all I did while I was in LA was mooch around the apartment and wait for Ellery to hang out with me. You were thinking that, weren’t you? Have some faith in your grandma, please.
Okay, yes, I did do that for the first month or so.
Like I said, there were a lot of things that had to get done in order for us to really settle in, and admittedly, I was pretty distracted by Ellery’s reappearance in my life.
But eventually, I started feeling restless.
It was worse this time, being away from Indonesia and yet finding myself still suffocated by it.
Part of me had foolishly imagined that just by stepping foot in LA, I would be magically free.
I didn’t even know what being “free” meant, I just imagined I’d find it there.
One night, as we strolled down Valley, boba teas in hand, I said to Ellery, “I’m so jealous of you and Iris and Parker. You guys have all figured out what you want to do in life, and you’re doing it. I still have no idea, and I’m twenty-eight.”
Ellery stopped slurping her boba tea and regarded me thoughtfully. “I’m sorry you feel that way, Tulip. I never even thought to ask what it was you wanted to do. I kind of assumed you were happy with your current situation.”
“Of course I’m not happy with my current situation. I’m doing jack shit, Bells! I’m literally a housewife, and I hate it.”
“What do you wanna do?”
“I don’t know.” I stirred my tea and sighed. “Something that contributes to society. Something that helps people. God, that sounds so stupid, doesn’t it?”
“Not at all. Hey, I can totally see you doing that. And you majored in psychology, right? That makes sense. Did you want to be a therapist?”
I had to think hard about that. “A little bit. I mean, when I did my course, that was definitely one of the options I considered. But I can’t do that. I’d need to get a master’s degree in order to be certified.”
“So get a master’s.”
I laughed. “Yeah, right. Just like that, huh?”
“Why not?”
I gestured vaguely. “Uh…a million reasons? We’re only here for two years, and Parker would never go for it, and what would be the use? I wouldn’t be able to do it back in Indo.”
“How come?”
“There’s just such a stigma against mental health. Our families, and Parker, wouldn’t approve of it. When it comes to mental health there, it’s super black-and-white. You’re either ‘normal’ or you’re ‘crazy.’ I hate it.”
“Wow, okay. Yeah, I can see how that would be challenging. But if it’s what you really want to do, I can’t see anyone stopping you from doing that.” Ellery smiled down at me. “You’re Tulip! You don’t take shit from anyone.”
What I loved most about Ellery was the way she made me feel.
Not just charming and funny, but also invincible.
With her, I wasn’t just someone who was good at fitting herself into the Chindo girl mold.
I was someone who broke the mold, someone who took charge of situations. Someone worth listening to.
I mulled over her words, wondering what it was that I was missing in life. When I brought it up with Iris, she said, “Dude, it’s obvious. You need to go back to school. Get a master’s in counseling.”
“It’s obvious?” I said.
She rolled her eyes in that very Iris way of hers.
“You shine when you have someone to help. When I left Erik and had nowhere else to go, I knew I could turn to you. You’re usually such a wet tissue, but when I came running to you, you suddenly turned into this badass bitch who took control of the entire situation. ”
I laughed. “I was not badass.”
“Uhh, I beg to differ.” Iris’s expression turned soft. “I wouldn’t be here without you, Mags.”
A lump lodged in my throat, refusing to let me speak.
“Wouldn’t have made it out, wouldn’t have my job. I probably would’ve fallen back into my shitty marriage because I ran out of options.”
“You wouldn’t,” I managed to rasp out. “You would never.”
Iris shook her head. “Who can say? I was at such a low point in my life. I couldn’t see the end of the tunnel.
You were the one who brought me out of that.
You have a gift, Sis. I know you don’t believe in yourself, but believe in me, at least. Believe in Ellery.
You were meant to be so much more than Parker’s trophy wife. ”
I gave a tearful laugh. “I can’t believe that’s what I am now.”
“Yeah…well, you kind of were groomed from the very beginning to become one. But you don’t have to stay one. Unless you want to.”
“I don’t want to.”
“So don’t.”
“Parker would never agree to it. He’d say it’s too expensive, and it’s true, they’re very expensive.”
“I’ll pay for it. It’s my turn to return the favor. I’ll pay for whatever master’s program you decide to do.”
“You can’t do that!” I said.
“Bitch, I’m making bank, I can do whatever the fuck I want with my money.”
This time, we both laughed so hard that Hazel looked up from her playpen and started fussing. I went over, picked her up, and smelled the top of her head. “Really? You’d do that for me? It’s a lot of money, and I don’t even know if I’d be able to pay you back.”
“What are sisters for?” Iris said. “You’d better ace it though.”
· · ·
So I spent the next few months researching master’s programs in the area. I did broach the subject with Parker, and he shot it down, predictably.
“Why would you want to waste money on that?” he said, wrinkling his nose.
“Well, I’d like to actually do something with my psychology degree, and getting a master’s would allow me to become a licensed counselor.”
“Yeah, but you’d be dealing with cra—sorry, politically incorrect. You’d be dealing with…unsavory people.”
“I don’t know that calling people struggling with mental health ‘unsavory’ is that much better,” I said.
Parker sighed. “You know what I mean, sweetie.”
I hated it when he called me “sweetie,” because he only ever did that when he was frustrated and wanted to shut down the conversation.
“No, actually, I don’t know what you mean.
There are many people struggling with things like depression and anxiety, and it doesn’t make them any less human than you. ”
“Okay, I get it. You’re right. But why should you be the one dealing with those people?”
“Because I want to.”
Parker shook his head. “Well, I think it’s a bad idea, and I think doing a master’s course in it would just be a waste of time. We’re going to start a family soon, aren’t we? When are you going to have the time to counsel people?”
Immediately, my defenses clapped into place.
I still hadn’t told Parker about the IUD.
Most Chindo couples conceive soon after marriage, and Parker wanted that for us.
I wanted kids too, but not yet. Not before I figured out what the hell I wanted to do with my life.
If I had kids before figuring myself out, I would be moved from the box labeled Trophy Wife to one labeled Mother, and there I would stay until my kids were grown and gone, and then where would I be? What box remained for me?
“Not right now,” I said. “Not while we’re living in a one-bedroom apartment.”
“Yes, but as soon as we go back to Indonesia, we’ll start trying.
And you’ll be so busy once the baby arrives.
Trust me, this whole counseling thing is a waste of time.
” Parker rubbed my arms. “I know you’re bored at home all day.
Why don’t you get a new hobby? Or ask Ellery out.
She’s freelance, right? She’ll have a lot of free time. ”
It was so dismissive and patronizing and so very Parker.
I looked at my husband and wondered how I could have loved him.
But that’s the thing about love. With some people, it can be constant.
Like with Ellery, I couldn’t stop loving her, even though I tried.
With others, love can ebb and flow. There were times when I was sure I loved Parker, loved him enough to sacrifice my own needs for his.
Then there were times when I fantasized about running away, not even to anyplace specific, just someplace that didn’t have him in it.
My instinctive reaction was to acquiesce, as usual. But the past few years had changed me. When Iris escaped from Erik, pregnant and bruised, she changed something in me. Something irrevocable. I searched deep within me for that kernel of strength, and when I found it, I held on fast.
I took a deep breath, made sure my voice would come out even when I spoke. Then I said, “You don’t have to support me in this. I won’t use any of our money for it. But I will be doing a master’s course, whether you agree to it or not.”
“What? Don’t take out a student loan, Maggie. They’re predatorial. You’ll drown us in student debt.”
“I won’t take out student loans.”
“How would you pay for a master’s course?” Now that he was assured I wasn’t going to take out student loans, Parker smirked and leaned back. I wanted to hit him.
“Iris said she’ll pay for it.”
“What?”
I reveled in his shock. That’s right, Parker, I thought. Iris is a badass. “She said she’ll pay for all of it.”
“She’s—she can’t do that, she needs to support Hazel. She’s a single mother, for god’s sake.”
The way he said “single mother” was so demeaning that I shut down immediately.
“Well, she’s paying for it, so that’s that.
” I turned around and walked away from him, both frustrated and victorious.
Part of me wanted to push on, ask Parker what the hell he meant by “She’s a single mother, for god’s sake,” but I knew not to push my luck.
If he got too angry, he might escalate, threaten to move us back to Indonesia.
Much safer to keep the peace, especially since I’d gotten what I wanted out of the conversation.