An Interlude Izzy
An Interlude
IZZY
I wipe my eyes and look up from the letter to see that Nainai is also dabbing at her eyes. I realize now that more than half of the pile of letters are addressed to Iris and not to Ellery.
“How often did you write to…uh, to Grandma?” Even though I’ve always known that Iris was my biological grandmother, it never stopped feeling weird to call her that. She was a stranger to me. She was a stranger even to my mom.
Nainai shrugs. “Whenever I felt the need to. And of course, every time your mom has a birthday, I write a little update for Iris.”
“Does Mom know?” It’s so hard to think of Mom as Hazel, the child Nainai had given everything up to protect.
Nainai narrows her eyes. “I’m not sure, actually.
I might have mentioned it here and there, but I don’t think she ever asked to read the letters.
So she’s probably forgotten that I write them.
It doesn’t matter. They’re for Iris, not Hazel.
Hazel has a life of her own, and that was all I wanted for her.
Even though she’s grown into someone more…
traditional than I would’ve liked, that was her choice to make.
Sometimes, I wonder if the family is so conscious of public image because of the company, because they all grew up in the limelight.
But at the end of the day, I can’t dwell on that too much.
I gave them the best education I could, I made sure to tell them to stay true to themselves, and they’re free to make their own paths in life. ”
“Oh, Nainai.” There are no words. I hug her narrow shoulders and lean my head against hers. “I can’t believe you went through so much.”
She pats my hand. “I did, but I also got so much out of it.”
I sniff and smile at her. “Okay, I’m ready for the good part now. How did you reconnect with Ellery? Tell me everything. I need all the details.”
She looks up in surprise. “What?”
“Well, you’re with her now, so tell me how that happened.”
“Oh.” Her face falls. “Oh, Izzy. I’m not with Ellery.”
“What?” It’s like a gut punch. I actually feel winded. “But your—female partner—”
“My girlfriend’s name is Sawyer. I met her when I traveled to Spain last summer.”
“But Ellery—” My world is spinning. This whole time, I’d listened with the happy confidence of someone who knows that the story would end with Nainai and Ellery as a couple, and now I’m realizing it doesn’t. Not even close. And it feels like such a betrayal.
Nainai seems to sense my grief. “Darling. I meant what I said about leaving Ellery in the past. At least while I was with your grandfather. I couldn’t betray him again, not after he helped me win Hazel back. I was determined to be as good a wife to him as I could be.”
“But didn’t you ever look her up?” I cry. “What about when Yeye passed away three years ago?”
“Well, I grieved him for a year, then yes, I looked Ellery up.”
“And?”
“She’d passed away too. Two years before Yeye died.
From what I can tell, she led a happy life.
She won several journalism awards, she did another poetry fellowship at some point, she traveled the world.
She was unmarried though.” Her voice grows wistful.
“I like to think that she meant it when she said she’d wait for me. ”
“No,” I whisper. “No, it’s not supposed to end like this.”
“Oh, Izzy,” Nainai says, running her fingers through my hair. “Silly girl. You know better than that. Life rarely gives a shit how it’s supposed to turn out. That’s why you have to grab the bull by the horns and shake it until it gives you what you want.”
Tears roll down my cheeks. “You really didn’t get a chance to talk to Ellery again?”
“No.”
“Fuck,” I whisper.
“It’s all in the past,” she says so simply. Then her jaw hardens. “I’m more concerned about the present.”
“What do you mean?”
“Izzy,” she sighs. “I’m talking about you. I know who you are. And I love you just the way you are, but I hate that you’re in this situation, this place that doesn’t allow you to be fully yourself.”
My face burns hot. Instinctively, I want to hide from her, but who am I kidding? There’s nothing that can be hidden from Nainai. “How did you find out?”
She shrugs. “Call it a gaydar, call it an instinct. Whatever you want. It doesn’t matter.
It is a big regret of mine that despite everything I managed to do for mental health, I was never able to shift the way this country views LGBTQ rights.
Pretty ridiculous, really, that even now we’d still be fighting for those basic rights.
But this country will come round at some point, I’m sure.
” She cups my cheek. “In the meantime, it hurts me physically to see you having to hide your beautiful self because of bigotry. But I want to tell you right now, Izzy, that I’m so proud of you.
I see so much of myself in you, and even better than that, I see so much of Iris in you.
If your grandmother were around, she would squish you and tell you that everybody else can go fuck themselves and that you need to do you. ”
I laugh through my tears. After everything she’s told me about Iris, yeah, that sounds about right. “I love that Grandma and you are both such bad bitches.”
“The baddest,” Nainai agrees. “And if I was to be honest, you gave me the courage to truly be me.”
“I did?”
“Well, I thought to myself: I could sit Izzy down and lecture her about being honest with herself. Or I could show her by example.” She grins at me.
“So after I finished grieving Yeye, I traveled around the world and I started dating women. That was how I met Sawyer. Oh, we have had some very fun adventures.”
“Oh god, please don’t go there, Nainai. I am begging you.”
“Prude.” Her face grows somber. “I want to pave the way for you. I don’t care what people will say about me. Let them say whatever they want. I am untouchable. But you, you have your whole life ahead of you. Do not let anyone put you in a box.”
I say in a choked whisper, “I’m scared, Nainai.”
“I know, baby girl. And it’s not safe for you here. I know that. But in just a few short years, you’ll be off to college. Go someplace where you can be yourself. I’ve put aside some money for you. A lot of money, actually. Use it wisely. Use it to buy your freedom.”
I can only manage to nod through my tears.
Nainai wraps her arms around me and strokes my head as though I’m a child, and I lean into her embrace and cry.
I cry for both of us and for my grandmother and Ellery and even for Yeye.
But most of all, I cry for myself, because I am finally, irrevocably, utterly seen.