Chapter 10 #2
I’d never heard of such a person, and I tried to wrap my head around it.
Clayton was divorced and had a few kids that lived in Kentucky with their mom and her new husband.
I’d always sensed something different about him, and I’d honestly thought it was that.
I’d never met a divorced person before. It was still very taboo in the holler.
People really thought it would send you to hell.
“Then why do you want to get married?”
“I think it would be good for the album. A little love story for the fans. Newlyweds singing to each other on their record players. We’d have the press cover the wedding so they could put it in papers and magazines.”
It was an interesting idea. I saw the logic in it. But I was still skeptical. “What would I have to do?”
“You’d move into my house with me and my mother, but you’d have your own room. There’s a whole wing just sitting under sheets with no one to fill it.”
Another mother that wasn’t mine. Another unknown, judgmental presence looming over me.
I thought of Hess and Mom and the girls at the boardinghouse.
It was a safe space I’d made for myself, and I didn’t want to give it up.
It was the first time I’d been in control of my own life. I’d never see Hess if I left.
“I don’t know. I like living at Mom’s. I don’t wanna leave.”
The brunette returned with our burgers in red plastic baskets and a slice of chocolate icebox pie on a plate for me. I tucked a napkin into my dress and started to eat immediately, stuffing the burger into my mouth and forgetting where I was.
Clayton eyed me and chuckled. “You’d be able to have visitors. I wouldn’t want there to be a whole crowd all the time, but you’d be welcome to host Miss Walker whenever you’d like. She could even… sleep over.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Well, that seems fair, since she’s my sister and all…”
“Lou, I know she’s not your sister. I know she’s a very special friend, and you’d be free to be together, alone, without anyone around, if you lived with me. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
A piece of burger caught in my throat, and I sipped soda to dislodge it. I thought I might puke. I wanted to ask him how he’d found out, but I was afraid to even acknowledge it. I kept staring straight ahead, terrified of meeting his gaze.
He continued, “If we were married, no one would ask you questions about boyfriends or snoop around your love life. And believe me, once this album comes out, they’ll be interested. They’ve been after me ever since my divorce.”
I finally felt brave enough to look over at him. He didn’t look disgusted or like he was trying to threaten me. He didn’t seem bothered by it at all.
“What about your mama?”
He smiled to himself. “Ma is very old. She has a great team of nurses that take care of her twenty-four hours a day. You won’t have to worry about her.”
The judgmental mother of my imagination now morphed into my great-grandmother, a woman older than pond water who spent my early childhood on the porch looking out at the mountains through milky blue eyes.
“Our marriage wouldn’t be traditional in many ways, but I hope it would be in this sense, that we could keep each other’s secrets.
” He laid a hand on my arm, and it felt almost fatherly in its gentle warmth.
When I looked into his eyes, they were open and empathetic, and I could feel that he accepted who I was, without saying it out loud or making a big deal of it.
My mouth filled with salt, and my eyes went cloudy. I swallowed back the tears and smiled at him. “Let me think about it.”
After Clayton dropped me off, I crept into Hess’s room and climbed under the covers with her. She was warm and heavy with sleep, and for a moment, I just nestled against her, feeling the length of her body against mine. She stirred and turned over, pulling me toward her.
I whispered in her ear about Clayton’s proposal. Her eyes opened, and she sat up with a hand against her forehead. After a while she whispered, “Well? Are you going to say yes?”
I thought we’d have more of a discussion before it came to the question. I would tell her I couldn’t do it, and she’d tell me that it was okay with her, and I’d protest a bit more, and she’d insist. She wasn’t following the script.
“We could be together, alone, all the time, without anyone watching us.”
“Except for Clayton and his mother.”
“I don’t think we have to worry about his mama. And Clayton is okay with it, that’s what I’m saying. He doesn’t care about us.”
“Are you going to sleep with him?”
“What? No! Never.” We both giggled at the thought. Then Hess went serious again.
“Do you love him?”
What did I know about love?
I never knew the love of my mama or daddy. I was treated like a worthless demon child by my aunt and uncle. I had a few cousins who were nice, but we were all fending for ourselves, trying to survive. I had to be selfish, and I couldn’t let them see under my skin.
What Hess and I had didn’t have a word. It contained too much and resembled nothing I’d ever seen between two people.
And as for Clayton, he was someone you got to know at a distance, and I didn’t think you could ever love someone like that, which is how he wanted it. To not love them was to respect their wishes.
“No. I barely know the man. But I trust that he won’t hurt me, or you. He’d only be doing this if he thought it was worth it.”
Hess turned away from me and went over to the curtained window facing the backyard. She pulled aside the fabric and gazed down.
I waited breathlessly with my arms wrapped around my knees, watching her back muscles for some sort of sign.
I wondered if I had just ruined this beautiful thing between us, this pure, filling love that I didn’t deserve.
I squeezed my knees tighter and imagined curling into a smaller and smaller shape until I disappeared.
Then she turned around, and there was a smile on her face. “Okay. I think you should say yes.” She came over and took my hands in hers. “Imagine the dress Phoebe will make for you. It will be divine.”
I could see the strain in her smile, and there was something brittle about her excitement. But I was so relieved that I decided to pretend it was real.
And soon, it was, as we sat on the bed, dreaming up everything we wanted for the wedding.
As if it was our own.