Chapter 28
When I turned thirty-two, Hess threw me a birthday party in Nashville.
Lanterns hung from the hulking trees in her backyard and fairy lights twinkled from the bushes like fireflies.
I could see the real thing blinking in the darkness beyond the light and roar of the party, and I had that feeling again, that this was a place of more magic and meaning than others, Hess’s place of peace.
I saw her at the far end of the yard talking to one of Martha’s old protégés, and we briefly met eyes.
Micah joined me at the deck railing and gently pulled my hair back to place a soft kiss on my neck.
Feist’s “I Feel It All” came on the outdoor speakers, and it was like Martha was there for a moment, selecting the perfect song.
We touched our heads together, and I let myself disappear for a moment.
“How are you holding up?” he whispered in my ear.
Every year we’d been married, he’d dutifully abstained from celebrating my birthday—he would let me lie in bed all day and watch TV alone as I waited for the dread to recede, delivering my favorite foods on trays like offerings and excusing himself quietly from the room.
But this year something felt different, and I’d finally caved to Hess and the girls’ desire to celebrate. The dread was still there, but I could treat it as an unwelcome house guest who would be leaving in the morning.
“I’m doing all right.”
Phoebe sashayed through the crowd toward us, balancing a plate of mini cheeseburgers and three cups of punch. “Food and drink for the birthday queen,” she said, bowing. I took a cup from her and stuffed one of the burgers into my mouth. “Your mama’s favorite,” she purred.
Tima came up behind us and knocked her cup against mine. “Happy birthday, baby. The thirties are the best decade.” She paused. “That is, until you hit the forties.” She winked.
“What about the fifties?”
She flicked a wrist in the air. “Divine.”
After I scarfed a few more of the dollhouse cheeseburgers, Phoebe whirled toward the crowd. “C’mon, y’all. It’s time for presents.”
She led me over to a chair tied with balloons in the shape of a “3” and “2” and everyone clustered around me like I was a bratty five-year-old. Hess watched from across the circle with amusement playing over her face; she knew how much I hated to be the center of attention.
After opening a few gifts, Micah came toward me with a box. I could tell by the cautious way he walked that there was glass inside.
I carefully took it from him and balanced it on my lap, holding my breath. Even now, after years of being surrounded by his glass creations and opening countless fragile gifts, I was still afraid I would shatter it.
I opened the lid and pushed aside the tissue paper to reveal a dark-purple shape attached to a length of fishing line. I pulled it out, suspending it in the air so that everyone could see. The glass sparkled mysteriously in the light, the color deep and impenetrable.
It took me a moment, but when it came together in my mind, my stomach turned.
It was a tree branch extended horizontally through the air, like the birthmark on my chest.
My stomach churned more violently, and I winced, nearly dropping the sculpture. Micah lurched forward and took it from my hand, and I doubled over. Hess quickly led me to the trash can where I vomited pink chunks in front of the party guests.
Inside the house, I lay down in the bedroom. Micah was sent to the store for Gatorade and medicine while Phoebe played doctor, with Hess and Tima looking on.
“What are your symptoms?”
“Vomiting, obviously. A bit of a headache. I’ve been sick in general lately, but I think it’s all the travel I’ve been doing.” And the birthday dread, I didn’t say. I’d been traveling recently for a documentary series that was getting some publicity.
Phoebe was uncharacteristically quiet, and I glanced over to find her looking very concerned. “What?”
“I’m not sure I should say it.”
“Oh my god, what is it? What’s wrong with me?”
“No, it’s not that, I just…”
“Jesus Christ, Feebs, just spit it out.”
She sighed. “I think you might be pregnant.”
My heart stopped, and my skin went cold. Years ago, I might have felt a high, manic hope at these words, but I had since inoculated myself against that feeling. Instead, I went straight to tense, pragmatic anxiety.
Micah and I no longer had the dutiful monthly sex in anticipation of ovulation. We had sex when we wanted to, and I’m sure many of those times had been during that window, but nothing had come of it for years.
Now, this.
Had I even had my period last month? I didn’t think so. And the month before that? It had been so light, I hadn’t had to use a tampon, but I hadn’t paid much attention. With all of the travel, I’d lost track of my body in time.
I did some quick math, still adept at such equations. Twelve weeks. One of the magic numbers of pregnancy when the chance of miscarriage plummets.
I could be twelve weeks if this was real.
Hess helped me up and led me into the bathroom. From deep in the recesses of the cabinet, she pulled a pregnancy test. We all stared at her, and she gave us an incredulous look. “What?”
“What are you doing with a pregnancy test?” Phoebe asked for all of us.
She sneered like we were being ridiculous. “My assistant was trying to get pregnant a few years ago and kept some boxes here.” She examined it. “Hasn’t expired yet.”
Hess handed it to me, and I carefully slid the test out of its wrapper and squatted over the toilet while they averted their eyes. A few trickles came down, and I caught them on the tip without getting my fingertips wet. I was a pro.
I replaced the plastic cap, laid the stick face up on the counter, and set the timer on my phone like Micah always did. He insisted we adhere to the instructions every time.
Hess and I sat on the edge of the tub, out of view of the test, and Phoebe and Tima leaned against the wall.
“How are you feeling?” Hess asked.
“I don’t know.” I eyed the timer on my phone. Three minutes and thirty seconds left.
We were quiet for a moment, then Hess said, “Did you know I was there when you were born?”
“Really?”
Hess smiled. “Yes, ma’am. Of course, your father had already passed, and I didn’t want Lou to be alone. The nurse actually tried to kick me out of the delivery room, but I said something quite unladylike, and she let me stay.”
“What did you say?”
Hess only smirked in response. “Lou had to have an emergency C-section, so she was knocked out when you were born. Your first cry was this powerful, earth-shattering shriek, as if you were life itself. I was the first one who held you, and I remember looking down at your face, so angry and determined. When you opened your eyes, I saw you, already in there, ready to take on the world.”
I tried to imagine myself as a tiny being entering this life for the first time, full of fury.
My phone blared, signaling the time was up. We all stared at the test from across the room, unmoving.
“What’s going on?” Micah asked from behind us. He was holding a canvas bag and studying us curiously.
“Phoebe thinks I could be pregnant.” I met his eyes. “I could be twelve weeks.”
“Holy shit,” he whispered.
“I took a test.”
“What did it say?”
“We haven’t looked yet.” I nodded toward the test balanced on the rim of the sink.
He walked furtively over and peered into the little window. His back was turned to me, so I couldn’t see his face.
“Well?”
He turned around, and his eyes were wet. I lunged across the bathroom and snatched the stick. In the window, there were two lines. Two miraculous lines.
Phoebe grabbed it from my hand and shrieked, but I still couldn’t feel anything. My body wouldn’t let me be disappointed one more time; this must be some sort of trick.
“I’m going to be a dad…” Micah said dreamily, and I grabbed his wrist.
“No. Stop.” As if Hess read my mind, she pulled the rest of the boxes from beneath the sink and handed them to me.
I unpackaged every test so that they formed a fan in my hand and squatted over the toilet.
“Just wait a second.” I searched for some secret reserve of pee deep inside my body and squeezed it out onto the sticks.
This time, the minutes passed quickly. When Micah’s phone went off, he and Phoebe eagerly checked them.
He came over to me with the tears collecting in the rims of his eyes, and put his arms around me. “They’re all positive.” He squeezed me hard. “You did it. We’re having a baby.”
Something gave way inside me, and all of the feeling I’d been suppressing for the last few years rushed forward in a dizzying flood.
I wept into his shoulder, and I felt Hess and the girls come around my back and wrap their arms, so that I was encircled on both sides.
I should have hated it, but for some reason it didn’t feel suffocating.
My body was a place of love. And someone, or for now, something, had decided to stay.