Chapter 14
Chapter
Fourteen
BLAIRE
Together.
His words sat in my heart, a vise and an embrace at the same time. I wasn’t sure there had ever been a together with me and anyone.
It had been me against the world for as long as I could remember. Ironically, it was the only thing I definitely could remember.
Me and I.
Me and my anxieties, demanding my attention.
Me and my demons, clawing at my ankles, holding me back from really, truly, living.
But me and someone else? Never. Me and Winder? I didn’t even want to get my hopes up.
“Together,” I repeated. “As in, together, together?”
Winder smiled, a crooked grin that hitched my chest in the same direction. “Unless there’s another definition of together I don’t know about.”
I chewed on my lip, debating if this was a road I wanted to travel down, or if I even had a choice. After my walking nightmare in the kitchen, it sure felt like time was running out. “I guess I’m kind of out of options, aren’t I?”
If I hadn’t just seen his true smile, I would’ve missed the slip of the muscle, the twitch that gave away something he was trying to hide.
“If you’re asking if this is your best option to getting your life back to normal, then, yes.
I think the answers we’re looking for will be at this party, and then you can go back to your perfect little apartment, and your wonderful job, and your life where nothing bad ever happens. ”
Shit. I didn’t mean it like that. “Winder, I—”
Winder shook his head. “Save it. Get some rest. I’ll go find you something more appropriate to wear, we can make an appearance at this party later, and hopefully your life will be back to normal by tomorrow.”
He ducked out of the room, and I was left squeezing my hands.
Guilt already trickled in through my pores, thinking about the disappointment crossing his face.
I hadn’t meant to imply I didn’t want to be seen with him, but I should’ve realized the impact my words would have.
I was an idiot. A big, giant, idiot with fucked up dreams, who probably didn’t deserve the supposedly “perfect” life Winder thought I had.
Didn’t he know perfect was nothing more than a disguise, covering a patchwork soul and a rotting heart?
The minutes inched past, all the while, my guilt ran rampant over what I’d said to Winder. There was no point in looking for him. Even if I found him, he’d just be even more pissed I left his room.
Instead I sat, staring at the ceiling, wallowing in the words I should’ve never said, overthinking everything I’d ever said.
Every stupid word out of my mouth had been a mistake.
Whatever he thought was perfection was nothing more than a flimsy illusion, no better at covering the grime than his cheap curtains.
Right as I was about to give up on him ever coming back, I heard his telltale heavy footsteps approaching once more. I held my breath.
He reappeared in the doorway, holding a swatch of green fabric. “Here. It’s the best I can do, and I can’t vouch for its cleanliness, either.”
“Winder, I’m sorry,” I rushed the words out before he could cut me off again.
“Don’t. Seriously, Blaire. Don’t worry about it.
I get it. You have your life, and I have mine.
Our paths just happened to cross for a minute.
I’ll help you out, and then you’ll never see me again.
” He met my gaze, but it was distant, a wall building between us, negating any “us” there might have been.
“Okay,” I whispered. I wanted to say more, but now wasn’t the time. He wouldn’t listen, anyway. I took the offered fabric—a small dress by the looks of it.
“I’ll be out here when you’re ready.” He closed the door behind him.
I clutched the dress to my chest, trying to hold myself together. One stupid slip of the tongue. Was that really all it took to push him away? Unless there was something else going on, something I didn’t see. I tossed Winder’s clothes to one side, and pulled the dress over my head.
Okay, it was small. Really small. The hem barely covered my ass, leaving most of my legs on display, and the scooped neckline dipped lower than I was normally comfortable with.
There was a lot of skin everywhere. I chewed on a cuticle, stress pinging through my body.
I could put the sweats back on, but I had a feeling Winder wouldn’t normally show up to a party with a girl dressed in sweatpants.
I could not go to the party at all, and leave Winder to go solo, but he seemed pretty insistent I should be there. Shit.
“Blaire.” Winder opened the door without knocking. “We really need to get a move on. What’s the hold up?”
He pushed the door wide, and froze. His eyes darkened, and the hand resting on the doorknob clenched into a tight fist. I waited for him to say something, but he was silent.
Double shit. I knew it was all wrong. “I don’t have to go. I’ll stay here. You’ll probably be more successful without me.”
“No.” Winder clenched his jaw, and turned out of the room. “Let’s go.”
The running shoes I left the house in were my only shoes, so I slipped those back on before following.
Walking in the dress without flashing anything was awkward.
I tried to keep up with Winder to the front door, even as discontent grew in my stomach.
We were back to distance, one word answers, and tension, simply because he thought I was happier in my life that he thought was perfect.
I hated the space, and I was annoyed at myself, but I was just as irritated with him for not listening for two seconds so I could explain.
Winder pushed through the crowd on the steps that never seemed to leave. The first person I passed grabbed my wrist, whistling.
“Winder, man, you’ve been holding out on us. Where you been hiding this pretty little thing?” The man tugged me close, and I pulled back as far as I could in his tight grasp. He leered, looking down my dress, a line of yellow teeth exposed behind chapped lips. “We could have some fun, you and I.”
Even twisting my wrist, I couldn’t get him to let me go, and the panic I felt whenever I was trapped grew. “I’m good, thanks.”
I felt Winder behind me before I saw him, a solid presence that blocked out all the bad thoughts. “Don’t you know not to touch what’s mine?” His voice was lead, cool and heavy.
Mine. What would it be like to be his? All I could picture was safety. Complete and utter safety.
Mine. The word pulled on my heartstrings before I had a chance to trample it with rationality. This was an act, on both our parts, and he had to make it seem realistic.
The man dropped my wrist, and Winder picked up my hand without another word. My hand in Winder’s felt too right. Like it had been here before.
Like it was supposed to be there.
We walked through the still night. Winder didn’t let go of me like I expected him to. Something about his touch, his presence, made all the dark thoughts go away. The shadows that lingered at the edges of my consciousness, the ones I did my best to scare away with nightlights and work.
The ones that called my name when I dared to listen.
We were still in the same neighborhood as Winder’s house, but the bass of a party song began to grow louder as we walked, something I’d heard on the radio in passing.
People were milling around the lawn where the music originated from.
A woman stumbled out the front door, leaning over the rotten porch to scream to her friend.
“Whose house is this again?” I asked.
“Leon’s,” was Winder’s curt reply, as if five minutes ago, he hadn’t been ready to snap a guy’s wrist for touching me.
Great. Good thing I knew who Leon was. For someone who had called me a brat, he really had an attitude problem.
The porch creaked and groaned under our weight, and I imagined it splitting in two, swallowing us whole.
My palms started to sweat over the completely irrational fear.
I guessed my nerves had to go somewhere if my worst nightmare was already becoming reality.
Winder glanced back over his shoulder for the first time, and even though he said nothing, he pulled me closer as we entered the cramped house.
The music was overwhelmingly loud in the busy space.
I could barely hear myself think over it, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear what my thoughts had to say.
Couches were pushed against the wall, and people were everywhere, gyrating and grinding on the makeshift dance floor.
Smoke hung heavy in the air, giving the dancers an ethereal look.
They had to be high, or drunk, or both, but they danced like they didn’t care who watched them. I couldn’t tear my eyes away. What would it be like to be that free? To not give a shit what anyone thought, or what my next move would be?
I must have let go of Winder’s hand while I watched, because his face was in front of mine, mouthing words I couldn’t make out. I shook my head, pointing to my ears.
Winder pressed his mouth against my ear to be heard over the pulsing music. “Stay close.” The words tickled, sending a shiver down my spine.
I rolled my eyes, and stood on my tiptoes to speak in his ear. “I know the drill. Stay close. Trust no one.”
“Good girl.”
Apparently, Winder didn’t understand sarcasm. He led us deeper into the party, amidst the grinding bodies, moving to the beat. Drugs were everywhere I looked. In the corner was a handful of pills being passed. The smoke was enough to get me high without trying.
Getting high wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world…it might even help me forget everything that I had already forgotten, in a strange twist of events. Someone must have turned the volume down on the speaker, because my ears suddenly had room again.
A girl bumped into Winder, her eyes dilated, her breasts barely contained in her tiny corset top. “Wy guy! I missed you! Do you have anything special for me?” She pushed her cleavage out as far as possible, and I could only imagine what special things Winder had given her in the past.
“Not today. Have you seen Leon?” Winder didn’t give her more than a five second glance, and I didn’t know what to do with that information.
She pouted, but pointed to the couch at the far end of the living room. A man with messy brown hair sprawled on the leather couch, with a dazed woman’s head in his lap. He watched everyone in the room and exhaled, adding to the smoke in the air.
We pushed our way through the people, but before we were close enough to draw Leon’s attention, Winder stopped, grabbing me by the shoulders until I faced him.
His eyes locked onto mine. “Leon doesn’t touch the hard stuff, but he might ask you to smoke. It’s his way of making sure you’re cool. If he offers, you accept. We need him to want to tell us what he might know.”
I laughed. “According to you, this is my scene. I’m not sure you need to ask if I’m okay with drugs.”
He squeezed my shoulders lightly, before dropping his hands.
“The Blaire I saw at parties did drugs. I’m beginning to realize that’s not the same person as the one standing in front of me now.
You have two sides to you. One is going to make you popular, and one is going to make you powerful.
And right now, I need you to be the Blaire who threatened me with a knife in my kitchen without a second thought. ”
I sucked in a quick breath. I knew it the moment I stood in front of my bathroom mirror, watching my eyes change with the addictive feelings of my dream. Winder was right. There were two sides of me, but I was only in control of one.
I wasn’t sure I could switch so readily to the other side.
But there was only one way to find out.