Chapter 49
FORTY-NINE
ALLERIA
My head is pounding, a dull, sick throbbing behind my left ear that pulses every time I move.
What happened? Where am I?
The memory is there but I can’t quite reach it. It slips away every time I focus. I try to sit up and the world tilts violently.
“Easy. You’ll fall.”
Brennan? Why is Brennan here?
And then everything crashes back.
The strangers arriving at the village. Walking with Nella. Her crying. And then Brennan stepping out of the shadows.
Vel!
The fae who hated me from the first moment she saw me took an arrow because she was trying to reach me. She went down and I couldn’t get to her. My stomach lurches, and I have to fight not to be sick.
Is she alive? Is she dead? Oh gods, does Cairn know what happened?
“I know you’re awake.” Brennan’s voice is close to my ear. “Your breathing changed.”
There’s no point in pretending, so I open my eyes.
I’m on a horse, in front of Brennan, whose arm is wrapped tight around my waist. We’re moving along a wide road at a slow walk. I try to sit up and pull away from him, but his arm tightens.
“Let me go.”
“I can’t do that. We have to make sure we’re far enough away that they can’t catch up to us.”
They. He means Cairn.
I twist in his grip and look around. There are eleven soldiers riding in formation around us. Sharing a horse with one of them is Nella. Her face is pale and tear-streaked, and when she sees me looking she tries to smile. It falls apart before it fully forms.
She did this. I thought she was my friend. The woman I trusted with everything. She led me right to them.
“She did the right thing,” Brennan says, seeing the direction of my gaze. “She saved you.”
“Saved me from what?”
“From them.” His arm shifts, pulling me more securely against him. “From whatever they did to make you stay.”
He thinks he’s rescuing me. He knocked me unconscious and snatched me away. In his head he thinks he’s the hero of this story. The loyal guard saving his princess from the monsters who stole her.
“Brennan.” I make myself breathe, force myself to sound calm, even though my heart is racing. “I wasn’t a prisoner. I chose to be there.”
“I know it feels that way.” His tone is patient, gentle even, as though he’s talking to a child who doesn’t understand what’s best for her. “That’s what their magic can do. It makes you think you want what they want. But you’re safe now. We’re taking you home.”
Home.
Maybe once that word was connected to the palace, to my father and my sister, but now when I think of home, I see golden eyes and a sardonic smile.
“You don’t understand. The fae aren’t what we’ve been taught to—”
“We can talk about it later. Once you’ve had time to rest, and the mages have had a chance to examine you.”
“Mages?” I whisper.
“Yes. The king summoned them to the palace. They’ve been trying to track you through magic. It was sheer fluke that Nella came downstairs at the inn while we were there. When she saw us, she managed to slip a note to me, telling me you were there.”
I twist to look at her.
“I couldn’t believe it when I saw Brennan. I waited until the serving woman was in the kitchen, and then told him where to meet us.” She’s looking at me like she’s waiting for me to thank her.
Brennan pats my hand. “The mages will remove whatever enchantment the fae caused. We just have to get you home.”
“There is no enchantment!” I pull against his grip and get my arm free. The horse sidesteps, startled by the sudden movement, and Brennan has to grab the reins to steady it. “I wasn’t beguiled or whatever you think happened. I stayed because I learned the truth about what we’ve been doing to them—”
“Alleria.” His arm locks around me again, and I fight to free myself. “Stop! You’re going to hurt yourself.”
“Listen to me!”
“I am listening, and everything you’re saying tells me how much they managed to get inside your head.” His voice is so patient, so utterly certain. “It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault.”
I want to scream at him until he hears me, but it’s clear from his voice that he thinks I’m being hysterical. So, I stop fighting. Struggling against him isn’t going to work. I need to think.
What did Cairn say about the bond between us? That it was supposed to be one way, and isn’t … He said it works when emotions are high … strong feelings open a channel.
Can I reach him?
I close my eyes.
Cairn?
I push toward the connection, pouring everything I have into it. Fear, and desperation, and the aching need to know if he felt what happened.
Cairn, please. I need you to hear me.
I build an image of his face in my mind, his voice, the way it felt when his body was on top of mine. I think about the way he laughed this morning, and how his fingers stroked through my hair.
Please.
Nothing happens.
But what am I expecting to happen? Every other time I’ve managed to connect to him, it’s happened on its own. I don’t know how to force it or make it work when I need to, and the frustration of that is almost worse than the fear.
“We will stop soon to rest the horses, and eat,” Brennan says.
I don’t answer. What is there to say?
We ride in silence for another hour before Brennan calls a halt near a meandering stream of clear water.
Brennan helps me down, and my legs buckle when they hit the ground.
After hours in the saddle, the blow to my head, and the fear that won’t stop churning in my stomach, it’s no wonder I can’t stay upright.
Brennan steadies me without comment, his hand firm on my elbow.
“Can I … have some privacy?” I gesture toward a cluster of bushes. “I need to …”
He frowns, then nods. “Be quick.”
I make my way carefully, glancing behind me often until I’m out of direct sight. Brennan is talking to one of his men. Nella is crouched by the stream, splashing water onto her face. The rest of the soldiers are focused on the horses.
No one is looking at me.
I run.
I don’t know where I’m going, just that I have to go back the way we came, and hope that I see someone who can help me before Brennan catches up.
But my luck doesn’t hold. I hear his footsteps behind me almost immediately. I push harder, lungs burning, only for his hand to close around my arm and pull me to a stop.
I spin, swinging with my free hand. He catches my wrist before the blow lands. I twist and thrash against his grip, trying to break free, to get away. But he’s stronger than I am, he always has been. I fight anyway, because if I don’t, I’ll fall apart.
“Alleria, stop!”
I throw my head back, and connect with his nose. He grunts, grip loosening. Before I can break free, he’s holding tight again, his hands gripping both my arms.
He shakes me. “That was stupid.” His voice is flat.
“Better than—”
“Better than what? Returning home? Being somewhere safe?”
“There are twelve of us and one of you. You can’t run away, Alleria. I’m not your enemy. I’m trying to help you.”
“Then let me go!”
“I can’t.” He turns me to face him, both hands on my shoulders now. “Listen to me. Whatever they told you, whatever they made you believe. It’s not real. The fae lie. It’s what they do.”
“They can’t lie. It’s impossible.”
He frowns. “That’s just a story. It isn’t the truth.”
“It is the truth.”
“They’re clever. They manipulate humans. Whatever happened to you, we can fix it. But you have to let us help you.”
I stare at him—this man I’ve known for most of my life, who taught me to shoot a bow, who was there for me when my mother died. A man I trusted completely—and realize that nothing I say is ever going to reach him.
“Fine. Take me back, then.”
He half-walks, half-drags me back to where the rest of his men and Nella are watching. Nella has her hands pressed over her mouth, her eyes wide.
“I was so worried.” She hurries over. I stiffen and turn my back on her.
“Move out.” Brennan lifts me back onto his horse, swings up behind me, and kicks his heels to the animal’s flanks. His arm is like a band of iron around my waist, and when we stop hours later to make camp, he doesn’t let me out of his sight for a single moment.
The soldiers build a small fire while Brennan stays beside me. Nella takes a pack one of the soldiers offers her, and unpacks food and water. She offers it to me first.
I take it from her, but don’t speak, and ignore the way her face falls.
The worst part, though, is the way everyone is treating me.
As though they’ve rescued me from a fate worse than death, and they need to be gentle and careful around me.
Brennan checks the lump on my head with gentle fingers, and tells me I should be fine.
One of the soldiers offers up his bedroll for my use.
They think they’ve saved me. They genuinely believe this is a rescue.
When all but the guards on watch fall asleep, I try to reach Cairn again, pouring everything I have out into the world.
Cairn. I’m alive. Please find me.
For a single heartbeat, I think I feel something, a flicker at the edge of my awareness, almost like a hand brushing against mine in the dark. Then it’s gone.
Movement on my left warns me a second before Nella sits beside me.
“I know you’re angry with me.”
I don’t answer.
“I had to do something, Alleria. You aren’t yourself anymore. The way you talk about them, defending them like they’re people. That’s not you. The princess I know would never say things like that.”
“The princess you knew didn’t know the truth.”
“That’s what I mean!” She leans closer. “Whatever they showed you, it wasn’t real. The fae manipulate. Everyone knows that.” She reaches for my hand. “When we get you home, you’ll see. The mages will help you, and you’ll be yourself again. This will all seem like a terrible dream.”
“And if there’s nothing to fix? If the mages look inside my head and find nothing but the truth?”
Her face crumples. “Don’t say that. Please don’t say that.”
“I’m tired.” I pull my hand from hers. “I’m going to try and sleep.”
I lie down near the fire with my back to her, and after a while she moves away, but I don’t go to sleep. I wait until the soldier on watch moves to check the horses, until Brennan’s head tips back against the rock, not asleep, but not fully alert either. Then I ease to my feet.
I take one step, then another, and no one stirs.
Three steps.
Four.
The edge of the camp is right there, the darkness beyond the firelight beckoning me forward.
“Don’t.”
Brennan’s voice comes from behind me, and I freeze.
“That’s twice in one day.”
“I have to try.”
“And I have to stop you.” He takes my arm, and turns me to face him. “I told you running won’t work, and I mean it.”
“Then let me go. Just open your hand and let me walk away.”
“I can’t do that, Alleria.”
“You can. You’re just choosing not to.”
“Come and sit down.”
I don’t move.
“Alleria.”
He waits until I lower myself back to the ground near the fire, then moves to his horse. When he returns, there’s a length of rope in his hands. He crouches in front of me and takes my wrists.
“I don’t want to do this.”
“Then don’t.”
He winds the ropes around my wrists, snug but not so tight they’ll cut off circulation. There’s no way I will be able to slip my hands free.
“You’re not giving me any choice.” He sits back and looks at me. There’s something in his eyes that might almost be regret. “Get some sleep. We have a long ride tomorrow.”
I lie down with my bound hands tucked against my chest, and try to reach out for Cairn again.
I’m here. Find me.
The second day is worse.
Brennan keeps me on his horse, my bound hands resting on the pommel of the saddle. Nella rides with another soldier, who keeps pace beside us. She keeps trying to talk to me. I ignore her, and eventually she falls silent.
Brennan tries to reason with me again, when we stop to water the horses. He crouches beside where I’m sitting, and reaches out to tilt my face up to meet his eyes.
“Tell me what happened.”
“You won’t believe me.”
“Tell me, anyway.”
So I do. Not everything. I don’t talk about Cairn’s hands on my body, or his mouth between my legs, but I tell him the rest. About how over time I learned that the fae aren’t the animals we’ve been led to believe. They have friendships, and families, and feelings.
And he listens. I watch him, looking for a moment when what I’m saying might break through.
“You were at the Dell with me. You saw the cages and the way they’re treated.”
“I saw dangerous creatures being contained.”
“You saw people being tortured. Haven’t you ever wondered if the modifications they go through hurt them? Did you ever look at their faces and see anything other than animals?”
His jaw sets. “They’re not people, Alleria.”
“How do you know that? Because someone told you?” I lean forward, willing him to hear me. “I talked to them, Brennan. They have histories and families. Memories that go back centuries. They remember what it was like before humans put them in cages.”
He’s quiet for a long moment. I hold my breath.
“The fae slaughtered thousands of humans before the Sealing. They wiped out entire villages, stole children from the beds and replaced them with changelings. They saw us as nothing more than playthings. If we ever let them free, they’ll do it again.
” He shakes his head. “You’ve been told stories, Alleria.
Convincing stories, but they’re not the truth. ”
“How do you know?”
“Because I know what they are.” His voice hardens. “They’re nothing more than monsters wearing beautiful faces. They can’t be trusted or reasoned with. The only reason we’ve had peace is because we sealed their way back home and trapped them with iron.”
“Peace? You call what happens in the preserves peace?”
“I call it survival.” He stands abruptly, and turns away. “We’re done talking about this.”