14. Amber
AMBER
T he news should’ve surprised me more than it did, but the hurt still was enough to render me completely vulnerable to Jeff—the one person who I didn’t want to admit my faults to.
But he held me tight against him and ran his hand up and down my back in such a comforting way I let myself be weak for a minute.
Okay, maybe two. It felt nice to have strong arms around me offering support and I wish it could’ve lasted longer.
One more squeeze and one more whiff of his cologne then I broke our hug apart. “Thanks. I needed that.”
“Do you need another one?”
His offer made me smile. “I’m good.”
He still stood close to me, close enough our noses were inches apart, and he looked at me with…tenderness? That made no sense. “I don’t know how deep or what role he played, but there’s a chance he’s not the mastermind behind this. We need more information before anything is confirmed.”
“Yeah, you’re right, but with his half-answers Saturday and this kid recognizing him, it seems naive to defend him anymore.
” I sucked my lip into my mouth and embraced the disappointment.
It was the karma of my life, punishing me for making poor decisions all those years ago.
The one family member who had my back was involved in something shady and had probably involved me.
If I thought about it too hard, I’d break down and retreat into a dark mindset, not unlike the one I got every time my mom talked to me.
Jeff stared at me with his intense and beautiful gray eyes and my knees almost trembled at the attention.
When was the last time any guy had ever looked at me like that?
Never. That’s when. “Look, I should probably get back downstairs.”
He nodded for a second but put one hand on my shoulder, gently brushing his thumb back and forth on my exposed skin. My insides turned into a flurry of butterflies at the contact and I barely heard what he said.
“Wait, what?”
He smiled, showcasing one perfect dimple, and repeated, “Do you want to go over next steps for the investigation or anything? I know you like plans. Or if you want to hang out up here and talk about anything else, I don’t mind.”
I ran my fingers through my hair and weighed my options.
Watching rom-coms with my roommates and some friends was not on my agenda with my mindset and knowing Laney, she’d want to gab about it and I wasn’t in the mood.
But…she’d have a lot of questions if I was up here with Jeff alone all night.
“It would look suspicious if we hung out up here the rest of the night, wouldn’t it? ”
“I really don’t care.” He shrugged and gave me another warm look. It was so similar to the warm looks I’d observed others receiving but never me. Wait—is it pity? “I feel responsible for being the bearer of bad news so it kinda feels like my responsibility to make sure you’re okay.”
Definitely pity.
I shrugged his hand off my shoulder. “Don’t feel guilty.
Honestly, I think I want to be alone right now.
” I moved to my dresser and started picking up some necklaces I’d left out and shoving them into drawers.
After I’d tidied up about five, I moved on to my desk.
He remained in the same position when I glanced over, but his face had transformed into an expression I hadn’t seen on him.
His eyebrows were drawn together so deeply they almost looked connected in the middle and his jaw had tightened so hard that I saw each movement he made with his teeth. He turned and faced me.
“Trust me, being alone sucks sometimes.” He twisted his mouth into a grimace and moved to sit down on the wooden chest at the end of my bed. He was so tall that he still almost matched my height. “You knew I played baseball overseas last summer, right?”
His voice changed into a different, undemanding tone. It was soft and vulnerable…and dangerously like honey. That got my attention. “Yeah, that’s when Kenzie lived in the baseball house.”
I moved to sit on the edge of my bed, sitting criss-cross and leaning against the wall. His posture changed from the confident guy I knew well to one less confident… I would even go as far to say defeated. “Why do you bring that up?”
“I don’t talk about it much to anyone but it kinda sucked.
” He laughed, but not with humor, and leaned over the bed railing to rest his head on his arms. “I had never felt so alone in my life. It was practices and games constantly and when there were off days, everyone on the team had family or friends to hang out with. I had no one. My off days were spent in hotel rooms watching stupid TV.”
“I thought you loved it over there.”
“That’s what I said to people.” He sighed and his breath had a hint of beer on it.
“I was goddamn lucky to get the opportunity to play in Japan for three months and earn some money doing it. I couldn’t complain about it, right?
That would make me sound foolish and entitled.
Hey, the guy who got offered the spot is a whiner doesn’t have a good look. ”
“You can be grateful for something and still not enjoy every aspect of it. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“Damn, I’m sorry.” He had an odd look cross his face before he stood. “I wanted to stay to comfort you, not talking about me. Fuck, sorry.”
“No, it’s okay.” Maybe I don’t want to be alone anymore. “Tell me more about your time over there. It’s distracting me from my own thoughts.”
“Are you sure? I feel like such an ass right now.” He pinched the bridge of his nose and really did look like he felt bad.
“I’m sure.” I patted the bed next to me and waited.
He struggled with his decision because he looked at the door, then my face, then my bed before he moved to join me.
His body weight shifted me so I fell into him but neither one of us made a move to readjust our position.
“What aspects of the experience did you like?”
He hummed for a second before saying, “The coaches had a different approach to offense than I was used to playing. It taught me a lot about pitch selection and being aggressive. My hitting has been the best in off-season since I’ve gotten back.”
“That’s good. Definitely going to help you in a month when you guys start your season. What else did you like?”
“I got to try new food.”
“That’s always exciting,” I teased, earning a small smile from him. But it seemed off and I reached out to touch his arm to offer some form of comfort, but I paused. We weren’t there. We didn’t offer each other comfort.
But he gave you a hug when you needed it. I touched his arm with my hand and kept it there when he continued talking.
“I imagined playing in the majors being like how it is now, like a brotherhood. A family. It hit me when I was abroad that my heart isn’t in it, like my roommates.
It could take years before making it. Years of living with host-families, struggling, traveling on busses, not knowing if the call will ever come.
” He exhaled and slowly tilted his head to look at me and the amount of turmoil and uncertainty in his eyes had me suck in a breath.
“You don’t want that life,” I said, nodding as his words pieced together. “That’s what has you feeling so guilty.”
“I don’t have the guts to tell my teammates or my parents. It’s shameful.” He leaned his head back against the wall, producing a loud thud. “I’ve given almost seventeen years of my life to baseball and now I’m not sure I want it. How fucked up am I?”
I waved my hands in the air, making big circles as I talked, hoping that would somehow help my get my point across.
“The amount of time you spend on something shouldn’t determine if you walk away from it or not.
We have our whole lives ahead of us to work.
It drives me insane when I think that we have to have our shit figured out at twenty years old.
We’re still growing up, making mistakes, learning, all of that.
” I brushed my hair out of my face and took a deep breath, filling my lungs with air since I didn’t pause in my rant.
“I have no idea what I want to do after graduation and it terrifies me. Everyone else has a plan or a career path to guide them.”
He let out something of a chuckle. “Well, I don’t really have a plan either. A goal, yeah, but nothing concrete.”
“Yeah, what’s that?”
“Law school.”
“Damn.” I took my time studying his facial expression and felt the pang of jealousy at the determination there.
Even with his uncertainty of his future, he still had options and the talent to back up the aspirations.
My voice came out more strangled than normal, but I still meant it when I said, “Good for you. I can see it.”
He brushed off my comment and tilted his head slightly to the side. “What about you? You graduate in May. What’s next?”
I made a helpless face at him, moving my mouth without anything coming out for a couple of seconds before making a raspberry sound with my lips.
“Psh, uh, I’ve been kind of hoping something pops up this semester, because I have no idea.
I’m not skilled at anything particularly but I enjoyed blogging at one point until it became forced. The posts became trivial and?—”
“Not skilled?” he asked in an incredulous tone.
“Amber, you’ve been incredible during this investigation.
Your ability to get people talking, the way you ask questions.
Are you kidding me? You’d make a hell of an investigative journalist.” He laughed and nudged my shoulder with his.
“You wouldn’t believe how much I was stressing and trying to figure out how to get Dillon to talk.
I was a fucking mess and wanted to ask you the entire time. But you, you think on your feet.”
His words were like a warm embrace, wrapping around me and filling me with something I wasn’t used to, my pride. My height grew two inches as my posture straightened. Just a flicker of confidence transformed my mind and it was almost embarrassing. Incredible. A hell of an investigator. Me!
Both my cheeks burned at the declarations he threw out without realizing how much they meant to me.
I had to look away from him, toward the direction of the small window, and it took a good ten seconds to collect myself.
If he sees me cry… My nose made a whistling sound when I sucked in a deep breath and the awkward noise was the perfect distraction to knock me out of my emotional moment.
I cleared my throat and hoped my voice sounded normal. “Thanks for saying that.”
“Well, I meant it. Took me a bit to learn that about you but it’s pretty obvious.
” He shrugged and reached out, putting his hand on my knee, patting it twice.
“You know…I do recall reading one of your posts ranting about eighteen-year-olds having to make decisions that can affect the rest of their lives. I scoffed when I read it because I was one of those over-confident kids who thought he knew everything about his future. You were right.”
“You read my post?”
His face flushed just enough for me to notice and he took his time before replying, “Well, yeah. I had to read all your shit to see if you were writing subliminal messages hiding the truth of what was going on.”
“Yeah, that’s plausible,” I deadpanned, earning a smile from him.
Seeing him so relaxed sitting less than six inches away from me, in my bedroom caused a swooping sensation to form in the pit of my stomach.
My gaze dropped to the curve of his lips and lingered longer than appropriate.
He smiled and I glanced up to see him staring at my mouth with something like hunger on his handsome face.
The air shifted as the spark between us grew.
My pulse sped up the longer I stared at his mouth and I had to squeeze my thighs together as my attraction to him burned.
I wanted to make a move, to press my mouth against his and confirm the last two times hadn’t just been my imagination, but I couldn’t. What if he rejects me?
“Amber…you’re looking at me and giving me certain signs. I need you to say what you want right now.” His voice was gruff and restrained, as if his control held on by only a thread. It thrilled me and I replayed the words I’d said at the party.
“I was admiring your smile.”
He closed his eyes and groaned. “We still haven’t talked about what happened that night.”
“Do we need to?”
He took his time shifting his weight on the bed, moving closer to me and causing me to lie on my back with his large frame leaning over me.
I was beneath Jeff Maddow. I couldn’t believe it and I didn’t want it to stop.
His breath came out fast and it thrilled me to see his chest heaving.
“You tell me. If I kiss you again, are you going to go shy on me after?”
He dipped his head low enough to run his nose along the length of my jaw, teasing my earlobe with his teeth and biting down. “We can do this all night if you want.”
Can I do it? Hook up with someone I’m going to see again in daylight? With someone who knows me? My throat hurt at my indecision, but then he pressed his lips against my neck and I bucked underneath him. My words sounded like a needy whine when I said, “Yes, yes. Let’s.”
“Let’s what? I need you to be very clear,” he mumbled against the sensitive skin beneath my ear. It sent a ripple of shivers straight to my toes and I arched my back to get closer to him. Each time his lips touched my skin, my brain cells disappeared. Lust took control.
That was the only reason I said, “Let’s do this all night, Jeff.”