20. Amber
AMBER
A week later, I didn’t even think twice about texting Jeff to get together.
We had gotten together three nights since the wall incident and I finally got why people liked sleeping with the same person multiple times.
Each experience was different, but comfortable, and a new feeling had started forming in my gut.
It was almost a combination of happiness and reassurance, confidence and awareness.
Jeff found me attractive—he made that obvious—and having all these new sober sex experiences was teaching me about an entirely different world. I didn’t hate it.
Thinking about it all made my smile almost hurt my face, if I was honest with myself. But instead of freaking out or overanalyzing what it meant, I just went with it.
“Barf. Look at you.” Laney made a stupid face at me and threw a pillow from our sofa as we lounged around watching Riverdale . “One week of getting banged and you’re on cloud nine. I’m jealous.”
“It’s…it’s been something.” I still had a hard time vocalizing it to Laney, but with each heated look and touch, Jeff was teaching me it was okay to express my sexuality.
For the first time in our friendship, I felt as if I could be like Laney.
Like I could talk about sex without needing a drink or feeing stupid.
“I’m starting to understand why people date the same person. ”
She rolled her eyes, but her face changed to an almost proud one. “Don’t mistake my banter for anything more than that. I’m just giving you shit. Seriously, it’s about time you learn how awesome sex can be and how with the right person… Oh, baby, it’s the best.”
“Yeah,” I said, smiling to myself thinking about Jeff convincing me to try different positions. It was liberating. “Didn’t think I’d be doing this all with Jeff but hey? It’s temporary and I’ll enjoy it.”
“Have you DTRed?”
“Uh, what now?”
“Defined the relationship. Are you just friends with benefits? Are you exclusive?”
My stomach dropped at her question. Are we exclusive?
That had never seemed like an issue until now.
I never thought about him hooking up with other girls, but I guess he could’ve been.
But he says he doesn’t have time. I frowned and a dull headache formed behind my eyelids.
“We agreed to explore this chemistry until I finish my project. That’s all. ”
“Damn, look at how chill you are. You’re so nonchalant about it.
I admire you. The ambiguity of hook-ups stresses me out.
Like, are you only hooking up with each other?
Or can you hook up with whoever, but make time for each other?
Do you go on dates or just spend time naked?
You don’t even care if he’s out there sleeping with random chicks each night he’s not with you.
It’s why Berkman dumped me sophomore year.
He said I was too damn clingy and asked too many questions. ”
As I digested every word, dread creeped into my brief moment of elation.
Talk about mood swings. One second I was smiling like a goon at my sex life and now Laney’s words crashed my walls of happiness.
She meant well—her intentions were always good for those whom she cared about—but I wasn’t sure she understood the massive impact what she’d said had on me.
Because if I thought about it, I did care.
“Oh fuck. Babe, I’m so sorry. I talk too much and don’t think.” She scooted from her spot and moved to sit next to me, getting into my personal space and hugging me tight. “Why are you even friends with me?”
I half-snorted to appease her, but it did nothing to the ball in my stomach.
Jeff and I laughed together, joked, brainstormed and talked about the issues in our life.
At some point, he’d become a friend and the thought of him sharing all of that stuff with someone else somehow lessened what I had with him.
But what do I have with him?
Goddamn Laney. I rubbed my temples and excused myself to my room.
Throwing myself into my Saturday social post would push all thoughts of Jeff to the side—where I was happy to keep all thoughts of him otherwise I’d distract myself into a worry wormhole.
I didn’t get far, though. My phone buzzed and my heart about leapt into my throat at seeing my uncle’s name.
“Hello?” I answered, hoping I sounded normal.
“My favorite. How are you?”
“I’ve been good.” I paused and bit down on my nail at the lack of words. He was so easy to talk to, to ask questions or get guidance from, but now, every cell in my brain told me to not get caught. “How are you?”
“What is this small talk? Your voice sounds off. Do I need to take somebody out?”
Can he really do that?
I forced myself to laugh and hated how fake it sounded. It seemed to work, because he chuckled. “I talked to your mother this week.”
“I’m sorry for you,” I responded without thinking, and he cackled.
“This is why we have each other. She complained about spring break coming up and not hearing from you. I refused to do any of her bidding and told her there was probably a reason you don’t call her.”
“Uncle Martin…” I warned, damn well knowing he was causing the rift to grow bigger between us. “Did she get fired up?”
“Oh yes. It was entertaining to say the least. But my reason for bringing that up? I would love to see you over spring break. Maybe you can come visit for a couple days just to get away?”
My heart physically hurt at his question.
I wanted him to not be involved so badly that I willed it and would be willing to make a deal with the devil.
But it did no good. He was a part of the scandal and it was my decision to balance that knowledge with the man who’d helped keep me sane most of my life.
“That would be awesome. I wasn’t planning on going back to the house, so this would be a mini escape. ”
“Perfect. I hoped you’d agree. We always have fun and we can talk about your plans after graduation, eh? Get your resume polished and ready to go. I can help you with your search, hm?”
It was like swallowing a fistful of cotton when I tried to get my throat to work. My doubts had doubts about his intentions and my voice was gruff when I responded, “Yeah, sounds good.”
“Ah, well, I need to go. Have a business meeting, but I’ll see you soon, okay? I think I’ll be in the area within a week, Amber. Stay out of trouble.”
“You too!” I almost shouted at him. He hung up, but my pulse pounded in my ears for a couple of minutes when I calmed down from the call. Is it always going to be this way? Me faking it?
The poor lining in my stomach wasn’t going to survive this whole ordeal. I grabbed a packet of crackers and a soda from downstairs to settle the almost acid-like feeling in there, and Laney cornered me with a suspicious look. “Yes?”
“I have a huge favor to ask of you.”
“I’m listening,” I responded, hesitant to agree without hearing her out completely. She was clever as hell and had once got me to take out the trash for an entire week and that was not happening again. “But none of your fancy words.”
She rolled her eyes and leaned onto the doorway with an almost shy look.
“This guy I’m into invited me over to a pre-game tonight and said to bring some friends.
I have no idea if this is a huge party or intimate, but would you come with me?
Marissa’s internship is too stressful and she gave up going out for two months. ”
“That’s why you looked all nervous? Yes, of course I’ll go with you.” I laughed at all the other things she could’ve asked me and tilted my head as her words hit me. “Who is this guy, by the way? I’ve heard nothing about him.”
“Well,” she began, and I succumbed to sitting down at the table and letting her rave about him for a good fifteen minutes.
Dressed in skinny jeans and a casual sweater that was tighter than I liked, I chose to wear my red lacy bralette underneath it that made me feel good.
It was easier to accept how I was built when I’d avoided my mom’s calls for almost two weeks, but I wasn’t sure how much longer I could hold off on talking to her.
So I was going to enjoy the little confidence while I could.
Laney looped her arm through mine as we walked toward the house located about five blocks away from ours and the wind blasted our faces.
The goddamn cold was getting out of control and I made plans to not leave the house for the rest of the weekend. Unless Jeff wants to meet up.
Just the thought of him had me warm and I checked my phone to see if he’d responded to my text from earlier. He hadn’t and the absence of his reply could mean a lot of things. Like, he was busy, at a team meeting of sorts, talking to his coach…or with another girl.
God damn it. No. Not that thought.
Amber: My uncle called and I’m probably visiting him during spring break. I’m so nervous talking to him now, it’s sad. What if he knows, I know…? Anyway, you have plans tonight?
That was all I’d said. Nothing too demanding or clingy or anything, really. But it was okay. He’d text when he could and that was good enough for me.
“Liam better be worth this trek,” Laney said, her teeth chattering and I agreed with her.
We were shivering by the time we knocked on the old wooden door of a three-story house.
It was similar to the houses on our block, but this one almost looked like a former fraternity with the large windows and shutters on the sides.
“Ladies.” A kid answered the door with a huge toothy smile and ushered us inside. “Welcome! Everyone’s downstairs. Just head through that door.”