Chapter 19.
TJ
One minute, I’m on a rocket, soaring through the stars, except I can literally reach out and touch them, and they’re each the size of a mote of dust, floating around me.
Not sure where I’m headed, but there’s a pair of arms squeezing around my waist—Austin’s, of course—and the rumbling of the rocket engine fills my ears like thunder booming, propelling us faster and faster into the stars.
The next minute, I jerk awake.
In Austin’s arms. Heavy rain spraying against the window and pummeling the roof. Monstrous booms of thunder outside.
“Like dogs and cats out there,” mutters my mom at breakfast. My dad’s out in it apparently, having gotten up and out early to check on a client in Brookfield.
“And in the middle of the summer, too. Can’t remember the last time we had this much rain.
It better not be raining on the Fourth. I can’t cancel all that catering … ”
“The storms seem to chase us,” I say with a chuckle after a sip of my orange juice.
Austin’s gazing at me across the counter with a dreamy smile, his smiley mug lifted to his lips, pausing to listen.
I smile back. “Night we met, it was raining. Like dogs and cats,” I add with emphasis to poke fun at how my mom says it.
She doesn’t notice that part. “Aww, really? It was raining? Tell me about it. Leave out nothing.”
She’s probably just trying to distract herself from worrying about Dad being out in this. Or whether her Boomin’ Barbecue plans might be turned into an indoor thing.
Just when I’m about to remind her that I already told her the story, Austin lowers his mug and takes over.
“It was stormin’ in more ways than just outside.
It was stormin’ in my head, too. I don’t think it’s an understatement to say …
the night I met TJ, I … I was pretty lost.” He meets my eyes across the kitchen counter and smiles.
“Real good thing we ran into each other.”
The bacon my mom’s cooking up, it’s long forgotten, her eyes glued to us and yearning for more.
“You might say I was at a crossroads,” he goes on.
“Do I stay on a path in life that’s suckin’ the marrow out of my bones?
Or do I choose myself for once and … go after what I want?
” His lips purse as he says all of this to me, still gripping his mug.
“Meetin’ TJ here, that’s what gave me the final push. I chose myself.”
“Always choose yourself,” insists my mom, completely drawn into his story, spatula still in hand, eggs sizzling away behind her. “You’ve gotta choose what makes you happy in life.”
I glance at her. Does she really believe that? Or is it Austin’s presence that has her acting so free-spirited? For a bitter moment, I wonder if her whole tune will change the second Austin goes and she’s back to telling me how I need to shadow Dad all day long.
The next second, I decide to contribute to the story.
“I was lost, too.” Austin listens. My mom as well.
And the storm, too, in its own way, splashing violently against the windows.
“I’d had a pretty bad final day on campus.
My big plans with my bestie fell through.
The last thing I expected was to meet a guy whose first instinct wasn’t to run away from me …
but to run toward me.” A warm smile finds my face. “Now I’m a Chase Holt fan for life.”
“Oh, what a sweet story,” says my mom, beaming. “I’ve gotta listen to some of this Chase Holt music myself.”
Austin and I share a look, tickled by that.
Then she turns to me. “Big plans with your bestie? What big plans are you talking about, sweetie?”
My heart skips a beat.
An abrupt flash and a bang of thunder shakes all the windows with such intensity, I fear our pavilion just got struck by lightning and rush to a window to check.
From this angle, I can’t quite tell. That was awfully close, wherever it struck.
“Someone sure must’ve pissed off the gods,” says my mom, a hand to her chest, “because that’s no natural storm out there.
” She turns her attention back to breakfast, poking at the eggs, and I guess the question about my big bestie plans is conveniently forgotten.
Thank you, thunder gods.
Then I hear a cow moo. Mug still in hand, Austin pulls out his phone with his other and peeks at it, silencing the cow. I watch his face tighten. He pockets it again and goes right back to his coffee, gaze lost on the nearest window, while my mom mutters on about how it floods out here too easily.
I don’t ask him about it for some reason.
It’s the afternoon when the rain clears up.
My dad’s still out—apparently he was invited to wait out the storm at whatever farm in Brookfield he’s at, whose name I’d know if I spent a lick more time studying our clients’ names, my mom lovingly reminds me—and Austin and I are at the window watching raindrops drip from tree branches.
“So … feel like hitting the town later if the weather cooperates?” I ask Austin, then playfully add: “We can always hide somewhere if the rain comes back.”
He nods with his eyes on the window. “Sure. But we won’t be doin’ any hidin’. Not from anything. Not now, not ever.”
I’m taken aback slightly by his somber, pensive tone.
Again, I ask nothing.
The sun doesn’t exactly come out, the sky staying cloudy and overcast, but we head into town anyway for lunch.
I tell Austin in the car about a birthday party I had that got totally rained out, laughing as I try to describe my mom rushing all over the place pulling her decorations into the house since it was supposed to be an outdoor pool party thing, then hoping the same thing doesn’t happen on the Fourth, and while Austin smiles and chuckles, I can tell his mind is somewhere else.
We’re seated in a corner booth at Biggie’s Bites, Mick having just taken our order in his usual low-energy, zero-personality way. There’s no one else here but an older couple near the front, totally out of sight.
I notice Austin running a thumb over his lips as he gazes off in thought—a nervous habit of his I haven’t seen in a while.
That’s when I crack. “Is everything okay?”
Austin meets my eyes at once. “Of course. Why?”
“I’m ready for people to know,” I tell him. “Like, the town.”
He lifts his eyebrows questioningly. “You mean—?”
“Is that what’s been on your mind? My parents are respecting me wanting to come out on my own terms, even if it’s killing my mom not getting to brag to Nadine just yet, but …
I never thought to ask you. If we come out, more people might see us, recognize us, and …
and talk about us. And that could matter. ”
“Don’t matter to me one bit.”
“It might matter to Chase Holt, though.”
That stops him. Did I just hit the nail on the head?
But the very next instant, he reaches over the table and takes my hand into his.
“Chase Holt ain’t here. Austin Love is. And he …
” Suddenly he cringes and shakes off his words.
“Sorry, hate talkin’ about myself in the third.
I’m here. And I don’t give a flyin’ fuck what that world out there wants.
I care about you, TJ McPherson. You got that? You’re all that matters to me.”
His voice is somewhat aggressive.
I find it both low-key hot and kind of scary.
Austin sounds about ready to take on a battalion of dragons to defend my honor.
“Alright,” I reply gently, then start to nod. “Okay.”
“Alright,” he agrees, smiling, echoing my words. “Okay.”
“So, um …” I glance down at our hands still united. “Does that mean the fuck-it Band-Aid has been officially ripped off …?”
He grins. “Ripped right the fuck off.”
It feels like a relief at first. I mean, isn’t the point for us to just be ourselves and get out of these so-called cages of ours?
But how realistic is that? What happens when someone spots him and knows exactly who he is, despite the limited social media presence? Can he ever really escape being Chase Holt any more than I can escape being my parents’ son?
Or is the point to just not give a shit what happens and let our hearts lead us? As long as they don’t lead us over a cliff, I guess.
Mick arrives with our burgers and fries, then just stands there with his eyes glued to our joined hands, not yet setting down our plates, as if his brain needs to work overtime to reinterpret who we are.
Austin and I stare at him patiently. After a year passes, he lifts his dead eyes to us and says, “We have a date night special if, uh, you guys, like, are doin’ that and stuff. ”
Austin and I look at each other. “Doesn’t the … ‘date’ have to be at night …?” I ask, confused.
“I dunno.” Mick sets down our plates in front of us, shrugs, then adds, “I’ll just ring up the special.
Enjoy. And, uh, congrats.” Then he walks away while scratching at a spot on his back where his shirt doesn’t quite meet his jeans, his apron tied too high.
It’s a miracle the guy still works here.
Billy’s mom, co-owner of Biggie’s, is known for having a soft spot for living train wrecks.
I still recall Anthony Myers being made to wear their Tackle Monster costume out front a few Sundays in a row last summer.
But train wrecks and dinner specials and monster costumes are the last things on my mind.
My eyes are right back on Austin’s, his fingers threaded with mine.
For a while, neither of us seem to care about the lunch we just got on a surprise discount, despite our appetites.
Is it that we just got identified as a couple for the first time outside my house?
Or are we just happy to be here in this moment with each other?
“Guess we’re gonna need our hands to eat,” I point out.
“Agreed.” We both chuckle, then let go to stuff our faces.