19. Look At What We’ve Done To Each Other
19
LOOK AT WHAT WE’VE DONE TO EACH OTHER
Alejandro
The Present
“ T his was a mistake.”
My ears are ringing.
I can’t hear a damn thing.
Dahlia scrambles against me while I’m still inside her, the movement almost spurring me into a second round. Not in this car though—I’m too fucking tall and we are too fucking clothed.
“Hold on,” I urge, moving into an upright position. “Let me?—”
She pushes off me and lands against the steering wheel. The horn blares and she yelps and before I can reach for her, she’s throwing the door open and practically flings herself out onto the street.
“Dahlia! Jesus.”
I quickly readjust myself and zip my pants before stumbling after her.
She makes her way to the sidewalk and starts digging through her purse in search of something. I come up behind her and touch her arm but she pulls away from me as if the touch burns.
Absolutely not.
I grab her and spin her around. “We’re not doing this.”
“It was a mistake,” she rambles, short of breath and red-cheeked. Her lips are swollen and her hair is wild and she has never been as beautiful as she is now. “This…this was a mistake…”
“Enough. Come on, let’s go inside. You’re trembling.”
Dahlia forces herself free and then spins of the balls of her feet to push me away. I catch her wrists instead. “I hate you,” she seethes. “I hate you?—”
“Ya basta, Dahlia. Enough .”
She blinks and only now do I realize her eyes are glistening with tears. “I can’t believe you’d do this to me…I…I can’t believe I did this to Rian.”
Her words trial off to a barely audible whisper but I hear and loathe every single one of them. Rage flickers to life inside me and my grip tightens around her wrists, forcing her to look at me. “Is he really who you’re thinking about right now? Is he more important than what just happened between us?”
Jealousy burns through me when she doesn’t answer, mingling with the ire bubbling in my veins. Looking at her now I understand what it means to be driven to the brink of madness by a woman. How obsession and possession can drive a good man to sin beyond redemption. Every time she says Rian’s name it becomes more difficult to keep my temper under control.
“You’re out of your fucking mind if you think saying his name in my presence not five minutes after I was inside you is a good idea.”
Her eyes meet mine with all the heat and intensity of an infernal blaze. “You’re disgusting.”
“And you’re about ten seconds away from getting kidnapped a second time. Adjust yourself.”
When she tugs on my hold again, I release her. It happens quickly; I spot her hand from my peripheral and catch it just before the hit lands.
“I don’t mind being slapped around but I’d prefer it if we kept those activities confined to the bedroom.”
“I don’t know what I ever saw in you. Must’ve been the Stockholm Syndrome.” She yanks her arm away. “Get out of my face. I can’t stand to even look at you.”
“I’m not leaving.”
“Alejandro—”
“No! No,” I tell her. “I’m not doing this anymore. This is crazy . Dahlia, I love you. Te quiero, te amo, eres el amor de mi vida. Did you think moving to New York was enough to keep me away from you?”
“Clearly it was!” she interrupts. “Seeing as it took you an entire year to show up.”
“I was wrong. I should’ve come back sooner.”
“No,” she snaps in response. “You should’ve never let me go to begin with.”
“You weren’t exactly keen on staying either, Dahlia. Tell me, what would you like to resent me for today? Letting you go when you asked to be set free or not chasing after you when you were very adamant about cutting me out of your life? To the point where not even Lettie or Diego speak to you anymore?” Her mouth snaps shut. “Tú misma ni siquiera sabes lo que quieres.”
She doesn’t speak. I wonder if it’s because she doesn’t know what to say or if it’s because she’s afraid of what she really feels.
“Please, let’s just…let’s start over. Let’s go inside,” I urge, gently, so as not to trigger her walls coming back up. “Let’s talk about this. I know the last year has been…”
“Been what?” she asks, so softly I wonder if I’ve even heard her.
“Hell. Torture. Misery.” This time when I reach for her, she stumbles into my arms. I wrap an arm around her waist and slide my fingers into her hair, needing to feel all of her against all of me. “Please don’t push me away anymore. Watching you with Rian…no sabes como me llena de rabia verte con el. Acariciándolo, besándolo, mirándolo. Mirándolo de la misma manera que solías mirarme a mí.”
She pushes against me but the effort lacks resolve. “I need you to stop.”
“Why? Why fight against this?”
“Because…” She takes my face in her hands and lifts my head so our gazes meet. Her lips part and her breath catches. I can’t help but lean down and steal a kiss she doesn’t try to take back. “Look at what we’ve done to each other. Look at the way we treat each other, how we speak to each other.”
“Dahlia—”
“This is ugly, Alejandro. So ugly. I wish I had left sooner, maybe things would be different. But we’ve done and said too many things we can’t take back. This isn’t love anymore. All we do is run circles around each other, fighting over the same thing over and over again. It never ends.”
Desperation makes me hold on tighter. “Don’t say that.”
“Why not? It’s the truth,” she insists. When she blinks, her lashes are wet with tears. “Rian doesn’t make me cry. We don’t treat each other this way, with so much anger and animosity. I…I don’t recognize myself anymore.” She asks, “Who do you think I am, Alex? A woman filled with anger and resentment and more regret than she knows what to do with? Tell me. I want to know. Is this the woman you fell in love with?”
“Of course not, mi amor. This isn’t you, Dahlia. This isn’t who you are.”
“But this is who you made me.” Tears run down her cheeks and she’s given up on trying to fight them. “How can you tell me you love me when you don’t respect me?”
“I do respect you.”
She shakes her head. “No you don’t. You don’t respect my boundaries when I tell you no and you most certainly don’t respect my decisions. If you loved me as much as you say you do, you wouldn’t want me to be with someone who treats me the way you do. You’d let me go.”
I open my mouth to speak but words evade me. For the first time, I have nothing to say.
“Dahlia?”
The two of us spin around.
Lyss stares are at us with wide eyes and furrowed brows, as if torn between shock and bursting a capillary. Rian is with her and I can’t help but notice how well they mesh together. He has a hand on the small of her back, the touch familiar yet respectful, but there’s no missing the way she leans into his side or how closely she stands next to him when walking. However, as soon as she pulls away, Rian returns his hand to his pocket, and Lyss’s arms remain crossed over her chest.
Her voice is strained when she says, “We were worried about you. Li called and told us what happened.”
I cut in before Dahlia can respond. “That was over a half hour ago. Where are you two coming from?”
“Nice to see you, Alex,” she quips. “Go fuck yourself.”
I’d laugh if I wasn’t already searing holes in Rian’s skin. I always did like Lyss—she’s one of few people I’ve ever encountered who wasn’t intimidated by me.
Dahlia turns her head away, hands covering her face. “I’m going inside.”
Personally, I don’t give a shit about Rian O’Neil and I sure as Hell am not going to leave him alone with her when she’s in such a vulnerable state because he fully intends to follow her. I beat him to it, and might’ve made a point of closing the front door behind us except Lyss actually lives here and I don’t doubt she’d jam one of her keys into my right eye if provoked.
Upon realizing we’ve followed her inside, Dahlia’s face loses all color. The coat falls right off her shoulders and her body sways as if ready to collapse onto a nearby loveseat. At the last minute, she turns and heads toward the kitchen. I remove my coat and scarf, hanging it up by the back door like I’ve been here a million times before. It doesn’t evade my notice how Rian stays fully dressed. A pang of satisfaction runs through me and I can’t help but angle a smug smile in his direction.
“I see Li is as hospitable as ever,” I say. “Allowing his patrons to assault young women at the bar.”
Lyss takes off her coat and leaves it on the back of one of the stools. “He said you were the one who hit that guy.”
I answer for Dahlia. “Yes. After he groped her.”
“Did he cut her tongue out while he was grabbing her ass? Or can she answer for herself?” Rian seethes.
“ Rian ,” Lyss chastises.
“Sorry, I was just curious. Seeing as how when Dahlia was in trouble, you just happened to be there. Ready to save the day.”
“I have impeccable timing.”
He replies, “I’m hoping in addition to your punctuality, you’ll also understand the importance of not overstaying one’s welcome.”
“Rian, don’t be silly.” This time when I smile, it’s genuine. “I’m more than happy to welcome you into my home. As a matter of fact, take off your coat and stay a while.”
Rian takes a menacing step forward, and Lyss has to all but ram her body into his to get him to stop. She snatches up her coat and seizes his upper arm in a vice grip, leading him out to the hall where the coat closet is. Once they’re finally out of sight, I make my way around the kitchen island and watch as Dahlia attempts to serve herself a glass of water with shaky hands. I take the pitcher from her and fill the glass. She takes it wordlessly and takes several sips.
“That entire situation is a mess,” I warn.
“What situation?” she replies quietly.
“The two of them. He may be as dense as a brick wall but anyone with a pair of eyes and some common sense can see she’s in love with him.”
Dahlia flinches. “What the fuck is the matter with you? She’s not in love with him.”
I can’t help but stare at her. How could one of the most intuitive people I know not have picked up on this already?
“You’re not serious.”
“Don’t ever say that again. Lyss and Rian are friends and they would never do anything to hurt me.”
“You don’t find it suspicious how they were together tonight?” I ask. “Aren’t you jealous?”
“I have no reason to be. I trust them.”
“Well, that’s obvious. Besides, I can’t imagine you have much room for jealousy,” I tell her. “What with my come dripping down your leg and all.”
Her eyes fly open and I take the water from her, drink some, and then refill it with the pitcher. She looks down and realizes there’s a mess between her thighs and grabs a wad of paper towels off the counter.
I catch her wrist. “Don’t ruin it now, I’d like to admire my handiwork.”
“Fuck. Off.”
“I suppose this would be a bad time to ask if you’re on the pill?”
She cleans the mess up quickly and shoves the soiled paper towels to the bottom of the trash. “I hate myself.”
“You know, I’ve been meaning to ask. How exactly did you get involved with Rian and his crowd anyway?”
“I don’t know. Maybe my penchant for criminals stems from you.”
“So much so that you’ve become one yourself?” I lift a brow. “I heard about the gun you swindled out from under Huang’s nose.”
For some reason, my response lights a fire under her. “I am not a criminal. If I got close to Li and all his bullshit, it was to protect you !”
“ You what ?”
My voice overlaps with someone else’s. I look over and Rian’s standing at the threshold, Lyss close behind.
Dahlia swears aloud. “Shit.”
Dahlia
T he four of us sit in uncomfortable silence. Alejandro, Rian, and Lyss wait in anticipation of what I have to say but after several false starts, I fall short. There’s no easy or simple way for me to say this so I settle for the truth.
“All right, well.” I wring my hands. “Here’s how it happened from the very beginning...”
Lyss was a regular at The Empress because one of her ex-boyfriends in finance used to bring her. She went so often she became friends with the bouncer who continued to let her in even after she and finance guy broke up. However, on the night we went early last spring, her friend the bouncer wasn’t there and the man at the front was giving us a hard time. I was having another erratic week of epic highs and lows, arguing with Alejandro, and feeling like my life was falling apart. Right when we were about to leave, Damiano and Rian had arrived.
Damiano had spotted me first and then Rian recognized Lyss. Their relationship wasn’t fully formed yet, existing in that weird place between polite acquaintance and genuine friend. Rian knew Lyss’s ex and he’d invited to them to a few of his parties, both private and at The Empress, finding enjoyment in their company. However, finance boyfriend and Lyss broke up, he moved to Seattle, and Lyss and Rian’s interactions were limited to nights at The Empress when their paths crossed.
Like that night.
We got in and they spent the whole evening with us. The weekend after, we went back. Over and over again until Damiano became my partner in crime and Lyss an occasional third band member whenever she saw fit. When Damiano took me under his wing, his social circle became mine and all of New York City was at my fingertips.
Everything changed when, during a weekend trip to the Hamptons last summer, I encountered Special Agent Morales. It was nothing more than a hook up at first, some fun to pass the time while I decorated my new summer house. But then, I noticed a few things. How he’d always ask questions about my friends, who they were, how we met, what they did for a living. It didn’t take a genius to figure out he was fishing for information and I’d already come to my own conclusions about Damiano, Rian, and the others.
Damiano was curious about where my money came from. I was curious about his. I think eventually, we both figured it out for ourselves.
Morales made a mistake when he asked about Alejandro. One night when he was hammering me with questions, I’d asked why he was so curious and his excuse was that Rian and Li sounded familiar, people he knew through a friend of his named Alejandro Narvaez and asked if I knew him as well. I held a gun to his head and told him he had sixty seconds to get out of my house. Apparently, that wasn’t a good move because in doing so, I’d shown him my Achilles heel; Alejandro.
Then again, I suppose it all worked out in the end because Morales explained he was trying to help. From there, I learned about Amy Walsh, Li’s involvement in her death, and how Narvaez Enterprises was wrapped up in Li’s businesses. Not only that, but how if Li went down, he planned on taking everyone with him. I couldn’t let that happen.
Rian became my new target. As Li’s best friend, I could go through him to get the information I needed. However, for months I’d kept him at a distance and so I needed to think of a clever approach. I considered getting to him through Lyss—they’d struck up a friendship, or at least a very familiar acquaintanceship, but it wasn’t enough. Which meant I’d have to take a gamble and get to Rian through the one other person he trusted and who was unlikely to forgive me if he ever found out the truth; Damiano.
Days turned into weeks into months. Damiano took me everywhere with him and little by little, I carved out the path that would eventually lead me to Rian.
I had two goals in mind: find the murder weapon to turn over to the FBI and figure out whatever Li and Alejandro were involved in so if there was evidence implicating the latter, I could destroy it. The gun came first and I’ve held onto it as leverage ever since, hoping it would buy me more time while Morales did his part. However, things didn’t go as planned.
I developed feelings for Rian in the process and what was supposed to be a plot to save one man ended up with me protecting the other. Because Morales and I both realized very quickly that this was about so much more than a dead FBI agent.
“At first, we thought Li was setting up Alex to take the fall. He knows the FBI and the DEA keep closing in on him and it’s only a matter of time before they finally have enough to take him down. My concern was that if Li went down, he’d implicate Alejandro and his family’s company, and then…well…you know.” I swallow the lump in my throat and push through. “So I got close to Rian in order to get close to Li.”
The room is so deafeningly silent. I can hear my bones crack and creak as I ring my hands.
“Morales and I don’t think he’s setting up Alex to take the fall anymore. We think?—”
“Was any of it real?”
Rian holds my gaze and I’m too afraid to look away.
No use in lying now. “Not in the beginning. But later…yes.”
“Do you think we ever had a real shot?”
“I know you’re upset?—”
He shakes his head. “No, Dahlia. I’m not upset. Upset is for when you can’t find your car keys and you’re running late. It’s for petty disagreements and mood swings.”
I hold my breath in anticipation of the blow I know he’s about to deliver.
“I am deeply and irrevocably disillusioned. I feel betrayed.”
“Rian, please ?—”
He gets up from the sofa and brushes past Lyss, who’s seated beside him, on the way out. “I need some air.”
Alejandro’s eyes narrow slightly. I sense movement from where he’s seated and reach out to grab his upper arm where my nails dig into the flesh of his hard biceps, warning him to stay where he is. His lips purse but he sits back down and says nothing.
Lyss struggles for a long moment and we linger in an uncomfortable silence. “What is wrong with you?”
“I thought I was doing the right thing.”
“The right thing would’ve been to tell Alex as soon as you suspected something. Not play government agent and get real people hurt in the process—Jesus.”
She stands and heads for the door.
“Will you talk to him?”
“Obviously,” she snaps back at me from the hall.
The front door opens and closes with a slam.
What a royal mess I’ve made of everything. Even Lyss has run out of patience with me and she has the temperament of a saint. She’s the only one in my life whose known the truth about Alejandro all along and has never left my side. Now I wonder if she regrets her decision.
“Why didn’t you?”
I turn my head and realize I’m still touching his arm. I pull away. “Didn’t what?”
“Tell me. Why keep it a secret all this time when I could’ve handled it myself?”
“I don’t know,” I answer honestly. “We aren’t in a good place. I guess maybe I thought it’d be easier to do it alone instead of inviting you back into my life.”
In the beginning, I considered it. My first thought was to tell Diego or Lettie but our relationship has been strained since the breakup so I kept it to myself. The truth is, I don’t have a real answer. I got it into my head that I could fix all of this on my own but never thought far enough ahead to consider what would happen when Alejandro eventually found out. And if I’d told Alejandro, I’d risk all the progress I’d made in my life up until then.
I feared this; him coming here, and me succumbing to temptation. We’re horrible for each other. All we do is yell, fight, hammer at each other’s weaknesses, and run around in circles. This is awful, I feel awful. How could a relationship like the one we once had turn into something as ugly as this?
Where did we go wrong?