Chapter Thirteen #4
“I know. But I did not intend it that way. I misspoke.”
“You misspoke?”
“I did not mean to imply that I’d marry you out of pity,” said Fletcher, trying to keep the frustration out of his voice.
He did not want to mess this up again. “What I meant is that all I want in this world is for you to be happy. If marrying Rotherfeld is what makes you happy, then I shall live with whatever comes next. But before you commit to him, I must tell you…” He sighed.
He could not figure out how to say it in a way that would not make her run off again. “I’m making a hash of this again.”
She looked up and met his gaze. “Keep talking.”
“I want to marry you,” Fletcher said. “I do. I offered because I meant it sincerely.”
That seemed to take her aback. “But you said if.”
“Yes, if. You should choose the man you believe will make you happy. I do not believe that is Rotherfeld, but if you do, then as I said, I shall live with it. I don’t want to pressure you into marriage, though.
Should you choose me, I would be over the moon.
But I want it to be your choice.” It didn’t come out sounding as strongly as Fletcher felt.
Maybe he should have put more emotion into that little speech. Maybe he should—
“You want to marry me? Why have you never said anything?”
“I wish I had. I wish I’d thought of this years ago and offered before you ever met Rotherfeld. But I didn’t realize how I felt for you until you announced your engagement. I’ve been telling myself for years that I don’t have romantic feelings for you. But it turns out I do.”
“You do.”
He had to just say it. To tell her plainly.
“Louisa, you have long been one of my favorite people. We grew up together and we know each other well. You are clever and bold, and you make me laugh and you make me think. And you’re beautiful.
You’re so brilliant and beautiful and I was a fool for not noticing it sooner.
I have felt out of sorts since the moment Rotherfeld announced you’d consented to marry him and it’s because…
well, it’s because I love you. I wish I’d realized it sooner, but I know it now like I know my own name. ”
“You love me?”
“This is a delicate situation. Obviously I’d be thrilled if you threw over Rotherfeld and consented to marry me, but like I said, it must be your choice. But I thought you should…you should have all the information. Make an informed decision.”
Louisa stared at him. He couldn’t tell what she was thinking, but he couldn’t regret anything now. He’d said it all.
“Make an informed decision?” There was some wryness in her tone. Fletcher started to hope.
“Yes. Well, that sounds rather stiff and intellectual, but what I mean is—”
“Fletcher, how can you…it really took Rotherfeld proposing for you to realize how you felt?”
She sounded annoyed, which made him defensive.
“I’m an idiot. Owen has been trying to tell me for a year that I had feelings for you, and I told him he was wrong, but of course he was right, and I was just denying it because…
because I don’t know. Part of me thought you viewed me as an older brother and I didn’t want to interfere with that, and then you started courting Rotherfeld and…
truly from the bottom of my heart, all I want is your happiness. ”
“But you want to be with me?”
“I do.” Desperately, now that he was voicing his desires, but he couldn’t say that.
She looked gorgeous tonight in the soft light from the gas lamps.
Her gown was a dark blue, made out of some kind of shiny fabric and decorated with tiny beads.
It hugged her figure in a way that made Fletcher want to touch her, or to rip the gown off so he could touch her skin.
“I recognize how foolish that sounds. That I didn’t realize it until Rotherfeld wormed his way into your life.
But it’s true. I, Fletcher Basildon, am a fool for not making you mine a long time ago, and now I fear I’ve waited too long, but you must know, Louisa, that I love you, I really do, and I never meant to imply that I want to marry you for any reason other than that. ”
She shook her head. “We’re both idiots.”
“Are we?”
“I did view you as an older brother, but I suppose lately that has changed a bit. You’re not hard to look at, you know.”
“I’m not?” Fletcher leaned forward, wanting to hear her say more.
She smiled. “Fletcher, you are a very handsome man.”
“Lark told me you were marrying Rotherfeld because he’s younger, better-looking, and more powerful than I am.”
“Perhaps younger and more powerful, but not better-looking.”
Something in Fletcher’s chest swelled. Rotherfeld was universally acknowledged to be a handsome man, but Louisa liked Fletcher’s looks better? That felt like victory.
But Louisa hadn’t responded to anything he’d said. Did she not agree? Did she intend to go back to Rotherfeld despite everything?
He didn’t want her to turn him down. He didn’t think she would, but if he’d misconstrued this situation… “If you do not want to be together, it’s better to tell me now. Let me down easy.”
“Oh. Fletcher.” She reached up and put a hand on his cheek. “I just didn’t want your proposal to be pity. If you marry me, it’s because you want to and we love each other. And I do love you. How could I not? But now I must figure out what to do about Rotherfeld, and I just don’t know.”
“There’s still time. You could end the engagement.”
“Yes. I need to think on it more.”
Fletcher found that unsatisfying. He didn’t want to push it, but he said, “Please don’t marry Rotherfeld just because you feel obligated.”
“No. I wouldn’t. I need time to think of how to end things. And I was just thinking, I really want to kiss you, but if I do that, I’m no better than he is, assuming he is indeed spending his nights with Lieutenant Hanley.”
“Oh.” Well, that was disappointing. Fletcher wanted to kiss her, too. He wanted to drag her out of this party and straight to his bed.
She leaned over and kissed Fletcher’s cheek. Fletcher caught her wrist and turned his head and their lips met. She wanted to know if he desired her? Of course he did. He hoped to show that through this kiss.
But she was right. She was still engaged to Rotherfeld.
“I am sorry,” Fletcher said, pulling away gently. “We should go back inside.”
“We should.” But Louisa didn’t move to stand.
“Don’t marry Rotherfeld,” said Fletcher.
“No. But he will be mad at me,” she said.
Fletcher stood and held out his hand for Louisa. She took it, and he squeezed her hand before helping her up. “If you want me to be there when you tell him, I can.”
“No. This is something I must do myself. Please… I’m with you, Fletcher. But I need some time to figure out how to do this.”
“Not too much time. If you don’t resolve this soon, you’ll be standing at an altar with him.” The wedding was less than two weeks away, and that ticking clock felt ominous now.
“A day or two. I’ve received quite a lot of shocking information tonight. I need some time to think it all over.”
Fletcher nodded slowly. “All right.” He wanted to give her the time she needed, and he imagined that this entire conversation had been a bit of a shock for her.
But at the same time, this felt unsatisfying and unresolved.
“It’s just, I hear what you are saying, but I want…
” But what did Fletcher want? A promise she wasn’t prepared to give him yet?
“Cheer up. It’s not a no. I need time.”
“All right. I hear you. Let us go back inside.”