32. Chapter 32
Chapter 32
Jamison
I t was Sunday night, and I had been having a hard time keeping my promise to give Lilly time. I wanted to text her; hell, I wanted to call her and hear her voice, but I couldn’t, so when Bryson called me and forced me to come to his house, I jumped at the offer. Now, here I was, pacing across his back deck.
“Bro, you need to have a drink and relax,” Bryson said.
I shot him a hard look but continued my pacing. I had to keep moving. It felt like there were bugs crawling all over my skin, and walking was the only thing keeping them at bay.
“You should listen to him,” Kai said. “You can’t do anything about Lilly this second, so stop worrying.”
“No shit. But it makes me feel better pacing here than being irritated at home.”
Shit. None of this would have happened if I had never agreed to dance with Ella Raye.
“Bro, do what you want, but I hope you’re willing to fix my deck when you wear out the boards.” Bryson opened the cooler and gestured with a beer toward me. “Have a drink and relax.”
Relax? Easy for him to say. He didn’t do something stupid and upset Darlene.
Okay, yes, he had done stupid many times in the past, but that was different, and they always worked it out. This thing with Lilly . . . “What was I thinking?” I raked my fingers through my hair. “Why did I listen to Lance? Why did I let Ella Raye cozy up to me without putting more space between us, or better yet, why didn’t I walk off the floor when the slow song started?”
“Hey, bro,” Bryson said as he placed his hands on my shoulders. “You can’t change the past. Seriously, you need to relax.”
I looked at him and took a big breath in. I needed to calm my breathing and the churning of my stomach. The longer I went without hearing from Lilly, the sicker I felt, and it’d only been a day. She wouldn’t be back until Tuesday, so I had to get used to it.
Bryson breathed in and out with me.
He did this a lot during the months after Carly died. Out of nowhere, I would get angry and basically heartbroken. My grief counselor taught me to do deep, focused breathing, and when I did it right, it helped, just like now. I felt better, too. My pulse relaxed, and my head was no longer thumping like all the blood had pooled there.
Bryson patted my arms. “There you go. You look better, like you’re not going to kill the next person who pisses you off.”
“Hey, shitheads. Sorry I’m late.” Lance entered the backyard. The expression on his face was his usual relaxed look as if nothing ever bothered him. Which, in reality, it didn’t.
My pulse began to pick up speed again. And the thumping in my head returned. Fuck. I pinched the bridge of my nose and sat in the chair next to Kai.
“Well, it worked for a little bit at least.” Bryson said and tipped back his beer.
Lance filled the cooler with beer he brought, probably an IPA from the local brewery. “Here. It’s your favorite.”
He handed me one. I ignored him and turned to Kai. “Why’s he here? I was hoping for a night with mature men, not an egotistical asshole thrown in.”
“Sorry, man. I saw him when I was picking up food for tonight and felt like it would be wrong if I didn’t invite him. He is in the wedding, and we do have things to talk about. I invited Nolan too, but he already had plans with the kids.” He pulled out his phone. “So, to get started, I have a list from Kora of what we need to focus on.”
Lance ignored Kai. “You’re not still upset about Lilly, are you?” he asked as he sat across from me, his elbows on his knees.
I glared back at him and felt my nostrils flare with my breath. Focus on your breathing. Relax.
Yeah—bullshit. Won’t work this time. I straightened up and pushed my shoulders back. If Lance wanted to start something, I’d make sure I finished it.
“Lance, give him a break,” Kai said in his deep and calm voice.
Lance took a drink of his IPA. “What do you want me to say?” Lance asked me. “I didn’t make Ella Raye kiss you. I sure as hell didn’t tell you to react to it.”
That’s it. This fucker needs to shut his mouth. I pushed up from the chair, and Kai was right beside me with his hand on my shoulder. Bryson was quick to stand next to Lance.
“Lance. That’s uncalled for,” Bryson said to him.
Lance pushed away. “Look, I’m not saying anything to be an asshole. It’s just what I saw.” He turned toward me. “Maybe you’re not ready to be in a relationship, is all I’m saying.”
“Lance, what the hell’s your problem?” I asked. This was ridiculous. I couldn’t deal with him anymore. It’d only been a day, but I missed Lilly and was over trying to keep my best friend happy. “You do realize we’re all adults, don’t you? I care about Lilly, and she deserves to be treated like I want to treat her. Why do you have such a hard time with this?”
Lance stood tall. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because my best friend is fucking my sister. And to make it worse, kept it a secret from me.”
Bryson and Kai came to my side.
“Lance, dude. Come on, enough,” Bryson said.
“Yeah. Let’s take it down a notch,” Kai added.
Kai touched Lance’s arm, and Lance flicked him off. “Don’t touch me, man. I’m fine”. I saw Kai’s jaw muscle tick. Kai was raised in a harsh environment and had raised his fist to his father many times. A fight wasn’t something he’d back away from.
“Lance,” Bryson cut in. “Chill, man.”
Lance’s nostrils flared. “Look, I’m looking out for both of you,” he said to me with anger in his voice. “Just before Lilly came home, you went on a date. Remember?”
Yeah, I remembered. I did try a date, and my head wasn’t in it. I thought of Carly all night. “Yeah, I do.”
“Me too. You told me your heart wasn’t ready to move on and had no more room for another woman. It was still filled with Carly.”
“You’re right.” Guilt filled me and ate at the irritation. “I wasn’t ready then. But it’s different with Lilly.”
“That was maybe two months ago.” His voice raised. “How is one extra month so much different? How do I know you won’t get involved with Lilly and then decide your heart doesn’t have any room for her either?” He took a step closer to me. “She’s doing great moving on from her divorce, but I don’t think she’d be able to handle another heartbreak so soon, and I won’t watch it when it could be avoided.” He was in my personal space and held my gaze.
I swallowed. Part of what he was saying registered and hit home, but I wasn’t going to back down. He needed to know how I felt. I gritted my teeth, then said, “You’re right, but this is Lilly, not some stranger I just met. This is different.” My voice was firm and steady, and I refused to look away.
“Exactly. It’s different. She’s not someone you can ignore if it doesn’t work out. Our families are at stake here. You’ve known her your entire life. Why now?”
It was now or never to come clean. It wasn’t like he could get any more pissed at me than he was. I took a deep breath through my nose, then blew it out slowly before I answered him. “It hasn’t been just now.” My voice was quiet and calm, and I locked my eyes to his.
Lance cocked his head and took a step back. “What do you mean?” His words were short.
Bryson made eye contact with me and raised his brow. I answered his brow raise with a quick nod.
“Jamison. What do you mean it hasn’t been just now?” Lance asked again, his voice laced with outrage.
I put my hands up to keep some space between us. “Lance, do you remember the summer before our senior year of college?”
He nodded and stared off behind me. “Yeah. The summer you were always gone, and we didn’t spend much time together.” His eyes widened. “Why?”
“I spent the entire summer with Lilly, but we kept things from everyone. She was concerned about how to tell you.”
“Wait. You fucked my sister when we were in college?” Lance curled his hands into fists, then linked his hands behind his head. “What the hell?” His voice became loud and his outrage morphed into venom. “You fucked my sister and kept it a secret all these years?”
“What did you expect me to do?” My voice rose with rage. “Tell you? It didn’t matter anyway. We left things hanging, didn’t promise each other anything, and when I got back to college, I met Carly, and we started dating. You know what happened then.”
“And what? You threw away my little sister’s heart, her feelings?”
“Lance,” Bryson tried to intervene, his voice calm. “Come on.”
“Don’t defend him just because he’s your brother,” Lance pointed at Bryson.
My patience cracked, then snapped in two. “This is fucked up, Lance.” I felt anger rising, but I was exhausted from hiding my feelings. “She makes me happy. I make her happy. This is why she wanted to keep us from you before and why she wanted to again this time. She knew you’d go ballistic.”
“You’re damn right.” He yelled as he closed the space between us. “You can have any woman in this small-ass town.” He was in my personal space again. “All you have to do is say the word and they would all come crawling to the almighty Jamison McKendry. Why my sister?” He demanded.
“Because I love her!” I shouted in his face.
I froze.
I didn’t even realize I had those feelings until the words left my mouth. I mean, I’d thought it the other night, but I didn’t think I really felt that way.
I breathed heavily, and my heart thumped out of my chest. I took a couple steps away from Lance. I had never used those words about any woman except Carly.
Could I be sure that’s what I felt? I searched my thumping heart, and it calmed just a little.
Yes, I did. I loved Lilly.
“Excuse me?” he asked, his voice a bit calmer.
I took a deep breath, and when I spoke again, I was relaxed, and I knew my words were true. “I love her, man.” I shrugged, and my voice calmed. “I didn’t even realize it until right now. She fills the hole Carly’s death caused. I’ll always love Carly, but I have room for more, and I want it to be filled with Lilly.”
I waited for the punch I was certain I would get in retaliation from Lance, but it never came.
“Wow,” Bryson replied. “I didn’t see that coming.”
“How did you not?” Kai asked. “He’s been swooning over her for weeks.”
Bryson shrugged. “Maybe so, but it’s Jamison. You didn’t know him and Carly. I never thought he’d let anyone else in his heart, and the fact it’s Lilly?”
He turned to Lance. “I think you need to suck it up and get over yourself. Some people never find their first love, and these two aren’t getting just a first chance together, but after heartache and sadness, they found each other again and have been given a second chance.”
Lance glanced at Bryson; his face scrunched up like it was in pain. “What are you? A fucking Hallmark card? That was way too sappy, especially coming from you.”
“Yeah, well, what can I say? I’m a sucker for love. Especially when it’s my favorite brother.”