Chapter Twenty-Three #2
“Look, I’m not saying that my anger is rational.
Anger is almost never rational, right? I’m just saying this is how I feel.
When I think about that day, remember that moment, I just want to scream Vin, get out of there!
Because it feels…it feels like I almost lost you.
And you were so still on top of me, and I know it was just a moment.
But it felt like forever that you didn’t move.
Like maybe I did lose you. And my brain goes back to that moment, over and over, trying to make you wake up and be happy.
But it took paramedics to lift you off me, Vin.
Even after you were responsive again, the laceration was so bad you weren’t moving…
And I know now that you’re proud of it. And I know it’s the best thing that anyone has ever done for me.
It’s the most loved I’ve ever been. But it was also the worst moment of my life.
To be saved and then think that I had to live an entire life without you. ”
“Baby.” Even if it’s a moment he’s proud of. Even if it’s the light he carries, he can see that anything that ends with him being torn from me is something I can’t help but hate.
“And the worst part…” I’m hiccuping now.
“Is that…in your arms, you on top of me, one hand under my head, that’s always been the best place in the world, Vin.
In the entire world. And nothing bad happens to me when I’m there.
I know this. I know this in my soul. But this time your arms were around me and something bad happened to you.
Which, Vin, don’t you get it? Something bad happening to you is the worst thing that could ever happen to me. ”
He’s tranquil, tender, his eyes searching my face and his fingers tucking my hair behind my ear. “You would die for me, too,” he says quietly.
“Of course I would! Gladly! A fourteen-inch scar! And I thought you were dead! And now I can’t even think about you holding me like that again. Being on top of me like that. That fucking accident took that and made it terrifying for me. Can you even—”
I cut off at the flash of expression on his face.
“Can I even? Roz, you have a mark on your chest because something almost—” He cuts off.
“I know a lot about what you’re talking about.
Okay? You’re my favorite place too. Being able to be against you like that.
It’s…the best I’ll ever feel in my life.
And yes, that’s gone for now. God. Sometimes… I still…”
“Can’t believe it even happened?”
“Yeah.”
“Maybe we’d have a crib in that room over there, if it hadn’t,” I say quietly, finally saying out loud something we’ve never directly talked about. “A little crying raisin. Instead of a gigantic sleeping Raff.”
We had just started trying to get pregnant like a month before the accident. After the accident, well, you already know we weren’t trying anymore.
Vin is nodding. “That’s the thing about stuff like this, it changes your future in a million little ways. Not only are you different, but your life, your circumstances, are different. All because a truck driver had a seizure at the wrong moment. That year, for us, it’s just…” He snaps his fingers.
“And for Raff,” I say quietly.
“And for Raff,” he agrees. “And for Ethan.”
“That’s his name? The other guy who was in the coffee shop?”
“Yeah.” Vin rubs my back and holds me on his lap.
“I reached out to him. He invited me to his bar. I’m gonna go tomorrow.
I think that’s part of why…I think that’s why I wanted to tell the story tonight.
I’m trying to get it all out, Roz. All these little painful jabs from trying to keep it in.
I’m trying to set it all down now. And I think meeting him is part of that. For me.”
He doesn’t ask if I’m coming with him.
A few minutes later, when he’s still rubbing my back and I’m flopped against him, docile as a kitten, he speaks again.
“Still mad at me?”
I stiffen and scramble up to look him dead in the eye. “Look, Vin. Everybody wants to be the person who runs back into the burning building to save the box of kittens, but nobody wants to be married to that asshole.”
He laughs. “Okay, okay. I get it. No dying for you.”
“I’ll never forgive you if you die for me.”
He kisses my temple. “Understood.”
“Not even a scratch from here on out.”
He kisses my cheek. “Got it.”
“If you die for me, I’m gonna die for you, just to spite you.”
“Okay.” He’s laughing when he kisses my mouth.
He lifts my hands to his lips and kisses my knuckles. But he pauses midkiss. He’s arrowing in on something extremely important and extremely new. I’m already humiliated. Grand gestures are excruciating.
“What the hell is this?” he asks low, scrubbing one thumb over the pearl ring I’m wearing on my left ring finger.
“Oh, who cares?” I scowl.
“Roz.” He’s nearly tugging my arm out of its socket, trying to get a better look at this thing.
“It’s one of the pearls Aunt Therese left me,” I tell him, because, after all, even if I’m the one wearing it, this whole thing was for him. “Something beautiful made from the irritation of a grain of sand, et cetera, et cetera. You get it. I took it to the jeweler down the block. He set it.”
“You’re wearing a wedding ring.” His voice has been rubbed over sandpaper.
“What a stupid name,” I gripe. “It should be called a marriage ring.”
“You’re right,” he agrees, his eyes shiny. “Should I have thought of this? Gotten it for you?”
“No! That would have defeated the whole purpose! You wear yours for me. I should wear mine for you.”
“A marriage ring, huh?” He looks so young right now. His eyes are open and uninjured. He’s hopeful. He’s got an entire life ahead of him.
“Hey. No halfway proposals this time,” I tell him with a bossy finger. “No misunderstandings. I’m saying this once. And I’m saying it in black and white.”
“Okay.” He nods obediently.
“Will you stay married to me for the rest of our lives?” I very nearly demand.
He’s laughing at my ferocity.
He pulls me in so close that he says the next part against my lips.
“I will.”
Vin goes to meet Ethan on his own. I send him with enough enchiladas and fruit salad to feed twelve.
While he’s gone I do a totally casual, almost meaningless, no-big-deal Google search. The keywords? Therapists in my area. Oh, boy.
The second he comes home I pounce on him. “Did you tell him he can freeze them? I forgot to tell you to tell him that you can freeze the enchiladas!”
He’s smiling down at me, arms around me. “You think I’ve never delivered someone your enchiladas before? Three-fifty for thirty minutes or until the cheese is bubbly. Freeze what you don’t bake and defrost it before you bake it.”
“I love you so much.”
He’s tucking my hair behind my ears. He takes a long breath, looking into my eyes, but his thoughts are clearly far away.
I watch him while he walks to the sink and washes his hands. Pulls down a glass and takes a long drink of water.
“How…was he?” I’m not sure I want to know the answer. It’s why I didn’t go with Vin today.
Vin turns and leans against the sink, setting the water aside.
“He’s…good. His scarring is…bad. The whole left side of his face is just…
fucked. But…he says the pain is a lot better than it was.
Plus, his daughter was with him. And to her, he’s Superman.
She was squishing her face against his and playing with his cheeks and stuff. ”
I’m smiling through tears. “How old is she?”
“Three?”
“God, I’m so glad he has her to love him like that.”
“That’s exactly what he said. And about halfway through, his daughter’s stepdad showed up.”
“Oh, he’s not with the mom?”
“I guess not. Because the stepdad showed up with all these watermelons. Like five watermelons. And he said hello and then took Mimi, the daughter, to the playground. And I was like, That’s a lot of watermelons.
And Ethan was like, Oh, don’t get me started.
Because I guess Shep, the stepdad, has been doing all this research on foods that are healing for tissue injuries.
And so he makes Ethan eat all these special recipes since the accident, and this week he’s on about watermelons. ”
I’m smiling because Vin is smiling.
“I guess you had to be there,” Vin says with a shrug. “But…I just got the feeling that he’s all right. Or he will be. He’s got his people. And he says he’s almost got full function of his face back…He actually seemed even better than we are. To be honest.”
“Well,” I say, leaning my elbows on the counter. “You can’t expect him to fall apart in your arms. I’m the only one who does that.”
“And Raff on occasion. Where’d he go, by the way?”
“He went home. He said he wanted space.”
I raise my eyebrows at Vin and he raises his back at me. “They grow up so fast,” Vin says, and makes me burst out laughing.
“I’ll wait until dinnertime to check on him.”
“Progress,” Vin says, and goes up for the high five.
And honestly? I think it really is.
I draw so much over the next few weeks that I start YouTubing hand and wrist stretches. Vin has been very patiently performing both modeling duties and taste-tester duties.
His only request was that I conclude my section on anchovies.
I’m working my way through the pantry ABCs. Anchovies, beans, crackers, couscous, chicken broth, you get it. Basically, I make a dish, I write down the recipe, and then I draw a little picture of it.
Then Raff scans it into the computer.
When we’re done, I’ll have a gigantic PDF titled Roz’s Brain. From there, maybe I’ll apply for a grant so that Harvest NYC can produce the book and start selling it and make a little extra dough. Or maybe, gulp, I look for a publisher on my own.
“Maybe you’ll get TikTok famous!” was Shan’s guess.
“Why does she need to be famous?” Esther grouched. “And send that PDF over to me. I need it.”
But Vin and food have not been the only things I’ve been drawing.
“Rafael!” I shout one Wednesday night. “Get your shoes on.”