29. After Jeremy
Merry Christmas! is what I would say if this holiday season were going to be the least bit merry. My first Christmas ever without my dad and the depression is really kicking in. Waking up Christmas morning without him to give us bear hugs hurts like hell.
The day after Thanksgiving, Cameron dropped me off home with enough time to accompany my family to the airport to see my dad off. I still feel the despair from that day in my bones. I try not to think about it or talk about it to Mom or David because his absence in my everyday life is a sobering thought. At least before break I had a distraction. Now that I’m home, I cannot escape the depression. And it fuels my anger how my mom and brother are not feeling the same emptiness. It might also have something to do with my dad choosing to leave us behind that angers me too, but I try not to hold that against him. How can I be mad? Whenever I do, I just feel guilty.
So, I stay in my room until noon despite the endless knocks at my door. What is the point? No friends here. No Cameron, he’s in San Francisco with his parents for the week. And no Dad. Just the reminder that my parents are broken up and that my father lives across the country. I can’t lie. I am a little bothered that he accepted this position, one that took him away, but how can I truly be mad at him? All I want to do is see him. I send him a novel of Christmas texts and shuffle into the kitchen. He couldn’t visit because he had to work Christmas eve and is off today. It would be way too much to ask him to sit on a plane for most of the day just to see us for a few hours. But there is an emptiness inside me because of it.
I ignore my mom and brother and make myself a bowl of cereal.
“You are alive,” David says.
“Don’t talk to me today,” I grunt back.
I sit at the table with my cinnamon cereal and try my best to disregard the lump in my throat.
“Merry Christmas, Lainey,” my mom says. “You missed the morning.”
All I do is sniff loudly and crunch on my breakfast.
The rest of the day I mope on the couch and hop between texting my dad, Brandy, and Cameron. Some of the holiday films on TV slightly ease my depression but only that.
Dinner is what I am really dreading, and since I woke up at noon, it comes sooner than I’d like.
My mother pokes her head out the window, then turns to the both of us with a smile on her face. “I have invited a friend to eat with us. I hope you welcome him with open arms.”
“Him.”
David comes up beside me and softly places a hand on my back. I accept his attempt at comforting me because ever since our talk after we found out about the separation, he doesn’t seem so bad.
There is a knock at the door, and my heart skips a beat. “He’s here right now?”
“Yes, and he is staying for dinner, so behave.”
I thought I could accept the idea of my parents’ separation because that leaves space for amendments to their relationship. Her inviting her new boy toy puts a nice fat damper on my optimism.
When a handsome middle-aged man walks through the door, it feels like my heart has shriveled up like a raisin. This man has the nerve to smile at us and hold out a greeting hand.
“I’m Jeremy. Happy holidays.”
I take his hand and kindly correct him, just to be a pain. I couldn’t give a damn. “Merry Christmas.”
He moves on to David, who shares a look with me before taking his hand.
“What exactly are you to our mom?” I ask, already knowing the answer.
Jeremy smiles too widely, revealing his pearly white teeth. “I—” he looks at my mother then back “—I’m Emmy’s boyfriend. I’m dating your mother. I hope my presence is not an inconvenience.”
“No, you’re good. It’s nice to meet you,” David says. It is kind of funny how often the tables turn with David and me. I’m not okay, he is. He’s not okay, I am. I guess he is back to playing peacekeeper after his freakout. Right now, I wish he weren’t acting so put together so I wouldn’t have to be the crazy one.
I keep it together as we eat a chicken parm and pasta dinner. I am sure this Jeremy guy is great. I don’t know, but I cannot help but look at him with loathing eyes. My mom trying to replace my dad so soon boils my blood.
“Lainey,” my mom warns. I shoot her daggers, and she cocks her head as if my behavior is arbitrary and completely unwarranted.
“Your mom keeps talking about her two joys,” Jeremy starts. “I’m glad I get to meet them.”
“I have never heard of you until today.” I smile back.
His brow furrows briefly before he recovers. “She mentioned you both go to university. Can I ask what your majors are? What you’re interested in?”
His sweet face tells me he’s genuinely curious, but my mood tells me to be a pain in the ass. I honestly can’t help the attitude that comes out when I speak to him. “Creative writing.”
“Oh. Nice. Are you interested in fiction? Nonfiction? Journalism?”
I sigh. “Fiction, I guess. If I wanted to go into journalism I would be studying journalism.”
Jeremy’s face falls, and my mother calls me out again.
“It’s all right,” he says. “I get it.”
Stop bein’ a dick to him. It’s Mom you’re mad at.
Jeremy’s words, Your mom keeps talking about her two joys, play again in my head. How long have they really been together? How long have they known each other?
“You two work with each other?” I blurt.
“Uhm, yes. We’ve been friends for a long while.”
A scythe to my side. I bet my mom was just waiting. If my dad knew, he’d be devastated. Right? My mom told him she loved him forever. I guess that only means until she asks out her hot coworker. Not hot really. Not my type, he’s at least forty-five…you get it.
After dinner is officially over, my mom excuses herself from the table and leaves us with Jeremy. Both David and I pull out our phones.
Me
WTF?!
David
IDK, I swear I never heard of him. This is so awkward.
Me
Cannot believe she really sprung this on us on a holiday and expects us to be totally fine.
David
I am just as confused as you are, but promise me to not make a scene.
Me
I can’t. I miss Dad, and this made my already sucky day sucky x 4
Davidw
Yeah… Hey, maybe we can FaceTime him later. Together.
At his message, I look up from my phone and meet my brother’s eyes. We share a smile before my mom comes out with two wrapped squares. Jeremy shuffles awkwardly in his seat as she hands us each a box.
“Merry Christmas. I only have one thing for each of you this year. There’s been a lot going on with the separation. Next year will be better.”
My gut twists into a butterfly knot at her being so cavalier about leaving my dad. It’s like she’s not even sad. Must have something to do with her boyfriend Jeremy.
I take the present from my mother and start peeling away at the paper. The longer I look at her, the more crumpled the innocent wrapping paper becomes in my grip. David places a comforting hand over my own, but it fails to calm me. I angrily throw the wrap onto the ground and drop the unopened box on the floor with a thud.
My mom bolts from her chair. “Lainey Coleson.”
I stand up too. “I don’t want your gift.”
“Go to your room.”
“Gladly!” I stomp down the hall, and I hear my mother not too far behind.
She follows me into my room and slams the door, and I rip into her. “How could you do this? Dad’s seat on the couch is still warm!”
“Don’t yell at me! Your father and I have had endless conversations about this. The point of a separation is to explore other people, not that I need to explain anything to you.”
“It’s not okay to bring him here. On our first holiday without Dad! You never even mentioned him to us.” Tears make my vision blurry, but I cannot let them fall.
My mom sighs, and her expression grows uncertain, like this is the first time she has considered her behavior insensitive. “I thought you would like him.”
“He’s whatever,” I say dismissively. “But so soon after Dad? It’s not fair! And it makes it worse that you probably…”
My mom raises an eyebrow and speaks coldly. “I probably what?” She’s challenging me. Thinking her death glare will scare me into stepping back like a good, little, obedient daughter.
But I do not. “That you probably cheated on Dad.” I might be holding my ground, but my voice sure does decrease in volume. Maybe her stare does unsettle me a little bit.
Her scowl deepens. “I should slap you for that. Where did you get that ridiculous idea?”
“You and Jeremy have been friends for a long while. That’s where I get that idea!”
“If this is the way you are going to treat me, you can stay here the rest of the night.”
I hold my hands up to my cheeks. “Oh no! Sending me off to my comfy, cozy room. I am so upset.” My voice is laced with sarcasm, and my mother loathes sarcasm. She doesn’t understand it.
“I should slap you for that too.”
“Yeah, but that would be abuse!”
Shaking her head, at a loss for words, my mother opens the door to my bedroom. “I do not want to see your face for the rest of the night.”
“Your wish is my command, dear Mother!” I offer a forced smile. And with that, she slams the door and stomps off.
I let out a desperate scream and launch myself onto my bed. A few moments later, my door whips open again.
“Leave me alone, Mom!”
“Not Mom,” David says.
I sit up. “Mom sucks.”
A smile pulls at the corner of his mouth. “Today she kinda does.”
Boy, does it feel good to be on the same page with him. Maybe if we stopped arguing and staying away from each other we could be friends and not just obligatory siblings.
“Maybe Dad can cheer you up,” he offers.
I am reminded of the hole in my chest since he’s left. Balance in this house has been completely thrown off. I need some of Dad’s effortless positivity and sanity.
“I’m sure he will.”