11. Not Enough
Chapter eleven
Not Enough
Owen
It’s been fourteen days since I fucked up and told Jack what happened to Millie at the bar. Right before he made his big speech at the summer ball. Not great timing on my part, but he heard me and Leon talking about everything that had happened. It’s safe to say he lost his shit and took me outside.
How he kept his cool, I have no idea. If it was the other way around, and it was Charlie, I wouldn’t have held back, friend or not. Which makes him a better man than me. Leon had to step in and calm him down after he pinned me against the wall. I would have let him hit me. I deserve everything coming to me from Jack. It’s all my fault.
He proceeded to tell me he'd deal with me later. I knew I'd lost us a contract, our best client, and maybe a friend. My head has been pounding with all the what if’s and should haves about their safety.
Jack’s not spoken to me since the night of the ball. I know it's because Millie’s still in hospital, but I can’t help but think that’s it for our friendship. I'm in knots, going round in circles constantly. I should have had more staff on, I should have refused to let Jack step the security down, I should have been quicker in my response. I didn’t do enough before or during the ball. It's that simple.
My actions put everyone at risk, a whole hotel full of people, people I care about.
What if Charlie had been with Millie?
Leon's been trying to talk to me, get me to see sense, trying and failing. I can't look him in the eyes. It's all my fault. The more I think about it, the harder I hit the keys on my laptop, shuffle the paperwork, the statements, the images, and the police reports, as if it will give me some sort of redemption from the mistakes I’ve made.
My desk and office are a mess, just like my head. My brothers trust me to do my job well and do it right. I did neither of those things that night.
I should have flown to Spain myself; I should have followed my gut instinct. I knew something was off about the whole situation. My gut has never been wrong. I’ve always acted on it, but not this time. Why? All the signs were right fucking there. I should have kept the security up even after Jack insisted we step it down. I should have put more guys on the B team that night. I should have been part of the security, not a goddamn fucking guest. Fuck . Four guys, we only had four guys on the B team. The risk should have been minimal. Guess what? I was wrong about that too.
A lot can happen in one evening.
I'm questioning everything I did.
I'm questioning everything I do.
Fourteen days ago, shit went down that I should have been able to prevent. Millie got shot on my watch. Thank fuck she’s okay. No thanks to me. Jack's not spoken to me and he's put Dan in charge while he takes care of Millie. I don't blame him. I don't want to talk to me either. Even the mention of her name brings it all back…
Bang — my ears ring with the sudden noise. The gun crashes to the ground, my eyes raise, and see Jack running towards Millie. Time slows down, my chest caves. I can’t breathe. I caused this. He’s scared, confused. Millie's white as a sheet, holding her stomach. Jack’s anguished cry as he calls her name.
I caused this pain . She doesn’t respond, nothing. I’m falling, wrestling that bastard to the ground. So much blood. I can't see straight. I can’t get the air I need. The sight of her being shot, the way she went down, Jack's face as he watched the woman he loves almost die. Blinking rapidly, I try to get myself out of this fog I’ve stepped into. Clutching my chest through my shirt, I’m at my desk, not in the hotel. Millie will be okay. If it wasn’t for you, it would never have happened. I didn’t do my job. I didn’t protect them.
I made the right decision to keep away from Charlie, my angel. When she called me a liar, all I wanted to do was tell her everything, and after I spoke to Jack, I searched for her, only to find her passed out on a sofa. Wrapping her in my arms felt right, taking her to my room, inhaling her scent. I knew I couldn’t keep away. She’s becoming my everything.
Even more, when she came running into the hospital looking for Millie, she looked broken. The fear in her eyes and her tear-stained cheeks broke me. She needed someone. There was no way in hell I was going to let anyone else comfort her.
I took a scared Charlie into my arms and held her so fucking tight. I didn’t let go all night. She fell asleep there, in the hospital waiting room, while we waited for news on Millie. The pure sadness and helplessness she showed me are things I never want to see on her beautiful face or in her eyes again. I wanted to be that someone. That someone who held her, made her feel safe… but I didn’t. I didn't do my job. I put Millie in danger. I put that fear, sadness, and helplessness in my angel's eyes.
That's the big question that keeps looming over my head: if I can't keep a client safe… how can I possibly keep someone I'm starting to care about safe? I'm questioning everything—my actions, my responsibilities, my choices, my everything. My mind is split. I'm at war with myself.
The day of the ball, when I messaged Charlie, I was determined to keep her at arm's length, take a step back. After that day, I changed my mind. I can't keep away from her. I’ve been with her every night since. I wake up next to her each morning, with her sweet cherry scent filling my lungs. Something she said would never happen. Things have changed between us. If only she knew what I was thinking. Planning. Every night I’m wrapped up in her, I can't help but think what if…
I need to take a step back. I need to get my head right.
If I can stay away, step back, then she'll be better off without me. She’ll be safe. The others on my team will keep her safe when I can’t.
Leon knows something is off. The looks he’s giving me are questions I don’t want to answer. He’ll try and fix it like he always does. He’ll have the answers, the steps I need to take. Ones I’ve taken before. I’m just not sure I can do them this time.
What happened at The Manor was only a glimmer of what happened on our last tour. But that’s enough. People died then and people nearly died again because of me.
I got out last time; I got us all out. I was better; they are better for it. But this, what if I can't… I'm not ready to lose what she is becoming to me, but I know the best way I can keep her safe, protect her even, is to step away. I know she’ll hate me for it, but I’d rather that than watch her get hurt in any other way.
“Mate, what are you doing?” Jerking my head up, I didn't hear Leon come in. I've been so lost in my thoughts. He sits his gigantic frame in the chair in front of my desk. His eyes raking over the mess.
“It’s past midnight, O, and you’re still here, again. What are you doing?” he repeats, leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees, his hands dangling free between his legs and his eyes intent on me.
“Going over all the information we have, I need—”
He cuts me off. “You don't need to do shit, O.” I can tell he’s trying to keep his voice even for me. “You did everything right. You know you did. We did.” he corrects himself, and points between us.
“I could have done more, Leon. Going through this, I can see what I should have done.” I say, looking at all the paperwork I’ve printed off tormenting me.
“It’s not on you. There was no way we could have ever known that her ex had a look-a-like. That shit is crazy, and you know it.” Do I? Looking down at my desk, I close my eyes and see it all. Remembering Jack's face when he saw Millie. Holding her while she bled out. The noise of the sirens surrounding us.
It’s all on me. I’m the problem. He’s trying to talk me down from the spiral I’m in to get me back to something that resembles normal. Unfortunately for Leon, my guard is up.
“No, I should have done so much more. I should have—”
“Don’t start with that. You know better than to think like that, especially when you know you can’t change what happened in the past. We learn and adapt,” he yells this time. Standing up behind my desk, I start pacing, my hand running through my hair. I need to gain control back. I feel like I’m losing it.
“Fuck learning and adapting. It’s on me,” I shout, jabbing my finger hard into my chest. My frustration and anger coming out. “I know it is. I won’t let anyone else take responsibility for what I should have done, Leon. Not again.” I don't raise my voice often, but this whole situation is pissing me off. The constant questions, the looks. I can’t take it.
“Okay, okay, sit your arse down. I'm not here to argue with you… I can see it’s getting to you. We were both there when Millie was shot. It could have been either one of us that got shot. That dude was crazy as fuck. He lost it when I pushed Millie away from him. Owen. You know when someone’s cornered with no escape, they will fight like their life is the only thing left. They fight to survive. He fought for what he desperately wanted to do. In his fucked up mind, killing Millie was the only thing left in his life that mattered. That’s what he did.” He takes a deep breath, his eyes honed on mine. I know what’s coming.
Flinching as visions play on in my mind. I can’t get hold of the gun. It slips through my fingers onto the floor below us, myself and Leon, failing to get him under control. His arm reaches out and takes the gun, firing it towards Millie. It’s too late. I can’t stop it. Bang. I flinch. Leon's fist connects with Glen's face and he goes down.
Scrunching my eyes shut, I open them to see Leon focused on me. Did he see me flinch? I need to leave before he reads anymore into what's happening with me.
“We need to deal with it, Owen. We need to talk about what happened. One on one.” He’s looking me over. I think he sees it. My struggle, my torment, but I can’t be sure. “I’ve booked a meeting with Jack and Dan for a few weeks’ time. We need to settle this, see where things are heading. Jack’s happy to meet, but he wants Millie in a better place first.”
I stay standing but close my laptop and grab my hoodie from the hook by the door. I don’t want to talk about this. Not now. It only makes me feel worse. I’m angry at everything right now. I’d do anything for my brothers. I’m just not sure I can face this, face Jack just yet. I need more time. Closing my eyes, I take a breath in.
“I’m out. I need to get back to Charlie.” Even the mention of her name has me relaxing just enough to be able to move forward, but it’s edged with something I can’t and don’t want to think about.
Leon follows me, his heavy steps matching my ghost-like ones.
“So, it’s serious between the two of you?” This is what he’s good at, making people feel good. “I’ve never seen you with anyone before, not like this.” his normal self, just like that, bringing the conversation back to a safe place. Little does he know that it’s the ignition point for me. My angel. It starts and ends with her. Everything, good, bad, no matter which way I turn, she’s in my head. I’m responsible for what happened to Millie, and if I couldn’t stop her from getting shot, how can I protect Charlie? If the time came, would I even be able to save her? What if I can’t save her? She’s better off without me.
“It is what it is,” I say without looking at him as we walk towards the lift.
“Don’t give me that shit. I know you. You really like her.” I know what he’s doing. He wants me to tell him about the one thing that matters, but it won't work. I still can’t help the ghost of a smile that crosses my lips.
“I do like her, more than I care to admit right now, but…” I almost tell him what I'm not ready to admit to myself.
“I’m happy for you, man. It’s about time.” He claps me on the back as the lift doors close behind us.
On the drive to Charlie's, I sit and think of everything I need to get in order for what I need to do.