Chapter 17
D iane still stood in front of the living room window. She hadn’t meant to hurt Steve. It was never her intention. Hell, she even fucked up trying to explain what was going on. Was there not anything she could do well? She sighed, fighting back tears. She’d just had enough. Enough of trying to be everything for everyone. Enough of being scared to admit she was failing. Enough of working long, soul-destroying hours. Enough of feeling like she would always be in her husband’s shadow. Enough of being unhappy.
Steve sat hunched forward, his elbows braced on his knees, staring at his clasped hands. He hadn't said a word since she’d stopped talking and the uncomfortable silence lingered. She was beginning to regret saying anything. She loved her husband, but she also didn't know how she could stop feeling the way she did. Something had to change.
“I’m sorry, Steve,” she said quietly. “I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m not sure I’m explaining myself very well.”
Steve raised his head, and she was shocked to see tears in his eyes.
“I can’t believe you felt like this for.... how long?” he croaked.
“Look, I’m overreacting. I’m upset with what’s going on.” She tried to reason, hating seeing him upset.
“No. You meant what you said and I’m glad you said it. How long?” he repeated.
She looked down. “A while.”
“How long is a while? Weeks, months, years?” His voice was soft.
“A year, maybe. It’s gotten worse over the past few months.” She turned to face the window again, not able to look at him. Footfalls, then he was behind her, his arms sliding around her waist. The tears she’d been fighting rolled down her cheeks.
“I’m sorry, Angel. I knew something was wrong and we should have had this talk a long time ago. I hate that I didn’t see just how unhappy you were, and I hate that you think you’re a failure. I hate that you didn't talk to me sooner. Most of all, I hate that you ever felt alone.”
She couldn't speak. The tears came harder now. The floodgates opened, releasing the buildup from the past months. He turned her in his arms and hugged her tightly as sobs shook her body. Months of despair poured out.
“I love you, Diane, and I don't want to lose you. We are going to get through this. I need to understand why you feel this way and how we can change it. I heard everything you said, and I’m ashamed that I didn't see how hard things have been for you.”
She gripped the front of his t-shirt and buried her head in his chest. They stood that way for a long time. Steve rubbed her back and held her tight, letting her cry it out. Eventually, she lifted her head and pulled back slightly, feeling and seeing Steve’s saturated t-shirt.
He loosened his hold, and she wiped her cheeks. “I’m sorry.”
When he lifted her chin and she saw the pain in his face, she swallowed. “You have nothing to be sorry about,” he whispered before kissing her forehead.
“I know I should have spoken up before now, but I... just couldn’t. I don't want to feel this way, and I truly didn't want to worry you. What you do is dangerous, and I don't want to be the reason you are distracted. I should be able to manage the home front and first world problems while you’re out risking your life. I feel like I’ve let you down. That I’ve let everyone down. You deserve someone stronger than me.”
“Angel, you could never let me down. It upsets me that you didn’t talk to me sooner, but I’m more upset that I didn’t see it. I’m your husband, and I’m meant to be the one you can lean on. The one you can turn to for anything. The one to support you. I...”
She cut him off with a finger over his lips. “Don’t. I love you, and you are a wonderful husband. I got good at putting on a smile and pretending everything is fine. You did ask me multiple times what was wrong. I just... I don’t know... I couldn’t.”
Steve cupped her face, and the intensity of his gaze brought a lump to her throat.
“Please tell me you’re not leaving me.” His words were barely more than a whisper and the fear on his face pierced her heart.
Placing her hands over his, she held his gaze. “No. I’m not leaving you. My love for you hasn’t changed. But I do know I can’t go on like this. I don’t want to feel this unhappy anymore. You are not the problem, I am. I feel so embarrassed at how pathetic I am. Maybe you should be leaving me.”
He shook his head. “You are not pathetic, and there is nothing to feel embarrassed about. I love you, and no matter what you tell me, that’s never going to change. I will never leave you. For better or worse, remember? I’ve been a shitty husband recently. I’m the one that’s embarrassed and ashamed. But if you’re not leaving me, and I'm not leaving you, and we love each other, there is nothing we can’t work through. I swear to you, Angel, whatever it takes to make this right, to help you, I will do.” He gave her a soft kiss on the lips. “Will you talk to me? Let me help you? I want to know everything.”
She bit her lip. Could she? She wanted to, but right now? With everything happening?
“There’s so much going on, Steve. Maybe we should wait until this situation with Volkov is done and Megan is back home.”
“The team is working the situation, Megan is safe, and I am not going anywhere. Dex will let me know if anything changes. In the meantime, all we can do is wait. Seems like the perfect time to talk.” he said softly, his thumbs stroked her cheeks. “Plus, I’m not making love to you until we talk, remember?” he added with a small smile.
She smiled and a little of the tension left her body. “Well now you’re just blackmailing me.”
His smile widened. “Is it working?”
She stared into her husband’s eyes. If she couldn't share how she felt and be honest with her husband, then what chance did they have to work through this?
“OK,” she whispered.
He took hold of her hand and led her to the sofa. He sat and pulled her down next to him, placing an arm around her shoulders. Diane snuggled into his chest willingly. They sat in silence. Diane knew she needed to start talking, but before she could, Steve spoke.
“Angel, I need you to listen to what I’m saying. You are so strong. When I go to work, I always worry about you. If you’re OK? Is Megan behaving? But when I need to, I put it aside and focus on my job. We’re trained that way. You were juggling Megan, the house, the bills, your job. You never complained. I had a whole team by my side when I was gone. You were doing this mostly alone. That kind of strength is something I can only ever dream of having.”
She closed her eyes as he sighed before continuing.
“I’ve never thought our life is all about my job. Until now. My work means hard choices for both of us, and I can never repay you for your understanding and support all these years. But hear me when I say your happiness has always been important to me, and I’m so sorry I didn't communicate that well enough. I’m beginning to realize I may have taken everything you’ve done— you for granted, and I’m not sure I’m ever going to forgive myself for that. I never want you to hold anything back for fear of worrying me or distracting me. I want to know everything that’s going on with you, good and bad.”
She snuggled into his chest, splaying her hand over his pounding heart. Without raising her head, she said, “I don’t feel like you took me for granted. It’s more like I feel unseen. Like nothing I do really matters.”
“Angel. Everything you do matters.”
It was time. Taking a deep breath she started talking.
“Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of becoming a lawyer. My mom loved legal TV shows, and I got hooked, too. I was going to be one of those confident, beautiful, powerful women in the designer dresses, four-inch heels, working at the swanky firm. I was going to get justice for the people that deserved it and love every minute of it. I used to dress up, acting out courtroom scenes in my bedroom.”
The feeling of Steve’s hand squeezing her shoulder was comforting as she went on.
“I’m pretty sure I fell in love with you the first time I saw you in uniform in that coffee shop. Falling in love, getting married, and having a baby so young had not been part of the life plan I had since I was that little girl. It didn’t matter. I was so happy. But I still wanted my dream, and you supported me in going after it. Yes, it was tough, but I wasn’t completely alone. We are so damn lucky to have great family around us. When I think about how they helped us during those years. Childcare, money, and their encouragement for us both to fulfill our career goals.” She inhaled deeply, getting emotional remembering.
“We are blessed to have great parents.” He kissed her hair.
“I was and still am, proud to be your wife, but I do resent your job at times.” She expected a reaction, but Steve said nothing, only continued to stroke her hair.
“It was hard trying to deal with everything while you were gone. Balancing being a mom, taking care of the home, studying. It was much harder than I could have ever imagined. But then you would come home, and I knew it was all worth it. You love what you do, are good at it, and are making a difference in this world. In some ways, it motivated me even more to become a lawyer. I couldn’t wait for the day that I could feel the same way about being a lawyer that you did about being a Navy SEAL. To love going to work. To make a difference. To be living my purpose.”
She paused again, but Steve stayed silent. She was still snuggled into his chest and couldn't bring herself to look up at him.
“When I got the job at McCormick and Michaels, I thought I’d finally done it. I was a lawyer at a swanky firm. My dream had come true. Only it hasn’t been a dream. It’s been a nightmare.” She choked on the last word and squeezed her eyes shut. Steve’s arms tightened around her as she cried again. He didn’t try to stop her, or reassure her, or tell her she was being stupid. He just held her and let her cry. She was finally admitting the truth.
***
S TEVE HATED SEEING Diane cry. There had been a lot of tears shed tonight and it killed him she was this upset. The operator in him wanted to take control and fix it, but he knew he needed to rein it in, and be the loving supportive husband his angel needed. She wasn’t leaving him. He hadn’t realized just how scared he’d been she might. Not that he wouldn't have fought to win her back if she had said she was leaving. Knowing she wanted to be with him as much as he wanted her was a strong foundation. Everything else could be fixed with communication, time and effort. He held her tight and waited, sensing she had more to tell him.
Minutes passed before Diane quieted. He relaxed his arms, but he did not let her go.
“At first, everything was fine,” Diane said, her voice low. “I chose family law because I wanted to make a difference for real people. Families, children. It became clear pretty quickly no one really cared about the people. It was all about the money and winning. I put my head down and worked hard, determined to get my junior partnership, but with every day that went by I began to dislike what I was doing more and more. I was trapped in this life that I had dreamed of, wanted, with no way out.”
“Why—”
“No,” she said, cutting him off. “I need to get this all out. Please.”
He gave her a supportive squeeze. “Of course.”
“I think it was then that everything else became a bigger problem. Dealing with everything when you were gone. Even doing simple things like getting groceries became something I resented. It feels like I’m doing everything for everyone else. You, Megan, the partners, clients, and getting nothing in return. Which is ridiculous.” She seemed to wrestle with the words. “I’ve always loved being a wife and mother and loved doing anything for either of you. It made me happy.” She lifted her shoulders and then dropped them. “Suddenly nothing made me happy. Then I would feel guilty for feeling that way. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, a home, a great job that could secure our future. I have so much. How could I be unhappy? I was being selfish, so I plastered on a smile, and kept going. I told no one. Not even the girls.”
He had wondered about that. Were Kelly, Mira or Sophie aware? The three of them were tight. To hear she hadn’t even confessed to them made it even worse. She really had been dealing with this all alone.
When Diane stayed quiet, he asked softly, “I get the feeling there’s more?”
Still, Diane stayed quiet.
“Angel? You said you wanted to get it all out. Don’t stop now. Tell me.” He stroked her hair, and she sighed.
“You’re not going to like it.”
“It doesn’t matter if I like it or not. I told you there is nothing you can say that’s going to change how I feel. Tell me.”
Fear bubbled in his gut, but he ignored it. Nothing could be that bad, could it? She pulled away from him and stood up, walking back to the window with her back to him. He stayed on the sofa, letting her have her space. When she finally turned to face him, the pain on her face startled him.
“I stopped seeing the girls, going to the team gatherings, because I was jealous. I felt like such a failure, and I couldn't bear being around you all.”
He didn't hide his shock. Jealous?
“You and the rest of Onyx are all so great at what you do. You’re living the life you were meant to live, and are not only the best at it, but you’re happy. Even Sophie. She might not be part of Onyx, but she loves her job. You are all making a difference, and I’m not. It’s like I'm on the outside looking in at a life I want but can’t have. It became easier to stay away and distance myself than try and pretend everything was fine, while secretly being jealous of you all and making myself feel even more of a failure.”
He stood and walked towards her, but she put up her hand to stop him.
“Deep down, I know this is in my head, but I can’t seem to make the voice stop. I failed, I’m not good enough, I don’t belong. You are all in a different league to me. Serving our country, saving lives, putting your own life on the line time and again. American heroes. While I can’t even cope with being a mom, a wife, and doing the job I dreamed of. I really thought that when I became a lawyer, I would feel that purpose, that I would be making a difference. No, I’m never going to be risking my life like you, but I would be helping families. I would be happy.”
He closed the distance between them and pulled her into his arms.
“I’m so unhappy, Steve,” she mumbled against his chest, “and I don’t know how to change it.”
Holding her tight, he said nothing. Now he understood why she had felt so alone, and he was so relieved she had shared it all with him. His heart was breaking at hearing how unhappy she was. That she had felt this way for months. But now it was out in the open, and he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt they would fix this together.
“Lately I’ve been a terrible mother, a terrible wife, and I clearly suck at being a lawyer. I’m sorry for it all.”
She went to pull away, but Steve stopped her. Grasping her biceps, he said. “Look at me.” When she didn’t, he gently shook her. “Diane, look at me.”
When she looked up, her red eyes and tear-stained face almost broke him, but he kept it together. If he broke, it would make her feel even worse.
“You are an amazing wife and mother. We have a beautiful, smart daughter. That is mostly down to you. You are a successful, brilliant lawyer. A lawyer that cares. I wouldn’t change anything about you. You are my sexy, intelligent, sassy, strong, brave, and sometimes stubborn, wife. I love you.”
He gave her a small smile, but she didn’t return it. She shook her head.
“I’ve barely been around for Megan recently. I’ve barely been here for you. I’ve been putting work before my family and for what? To fight for a man like Volkov? A man that threatened our family. You had every right to be angry at me. I put our daughter in danger. I will never be able to forgive myself for that.”
“No!” She jumped at the intensity. He rubbed his hands up and down her arms in apology. “I’m an asshole.” More softly, he said, “I should never have said that to you, and I’m so sorry. To be honest, I was more pissed at myself for not seeing it. Not realizing someone was following us, taking pictures. I’m meant to protect you and Megan, and I failed. I’m supposed to be there for you, support you. I failed at that, too.”
“You didn’t fail. Megan is safe, and I’m right here.”
“I did fail. As a husband. I knew something was wrong and should have forced this conversation sooner. I will never let that happen again. I’m not perfect, no one is. I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you’ve told me the truth. You’re right. I don’t like some of what I heard, only because it kills me to see you hurting, to see you this unhappy, but that's OK. We can’t make things right if we can't be honest with each other.”
“Will we make things right?” she whispered.
“Yes. I promise, Diane. Whatever it takes. I’m not naive to think it will be fixed overnight, but I’m in this for the long haul. This conversation is just the start. You deserve to be happy, Angel. To have a rich and fulfilling life. You can have that.”
“But I don’t know what that looks like anymore.”
“You don't need to know right now. Tell me something. When was the last time you felt truly happy?”
He could tell she knew exactly when, and it didn't her take long to answer.
“Before I became a lawyer.”
But that was the last thing Steve had expected to hear. Before he could respond, his phone rang. He cursed. “I’m sorry. It’s Dex.”
Diane gave him a small smile. “Take it. Hopefully, he has good news. I’m going to go get ready for bed. I’m all cried out and exhausted.”
He answered the call before it went to voicemail. “Dex, can you hang on one minute?”
Then he muted the phone.
“We’re not done with this conversation.”
She nodded. “I know.”
Looking into her eyes, he swallowed at the sadness there. Conscious Dex was waiting, he gently kissed her lips and was rewarded with another smile.
“I’ll be up soon. We will sort this out. Trust me,” he said.
She nodded. “I do trust you, Steve. Don't ever doubt that.”
When she headed upstairs, Steve took the call off mute. Though, he vowed he was going to do whatever it took to take away the sadness in his wife’s eyes.
“Dex. Thanks for waiting.”
“No problem. Everything alright?”
“Be better when we find the fucker and his damn sarin.” Steve sat, leaning back on the sofa and closed his eyes. His head was spinning from Diane’s revelations, but he tuned it out temporarily. “Tell me some good news.”
“Wish I could. The car the sarin ended up in was stolen. The owner is on vacation in Canada. Had no idea it was taken. His alibis check out. He’s telling the truth. Sanchez got a hit on the car.”
“Let me guess. Burnt out?” Steve said.
“Yes. We’re back to focusing on a location, so we can try and contain this thing.”
“Impossible to evacuate right now.”
“Without a target? Yes,” Dex agreed. “We need to find the target or, assuming Volkov knows where it is, find him. To do that we are going to try and draw him out.”
“How?”
“We know Volkov doesn't have the sarin, so FBI are going to reach out to his company with a request to speak to him regarding a recent shipment he transported. Rattle him. He will either comply, or he’ll run. If he runs, we have the location of his jet, his planes. Sam has him on the no-fly list.”
“He’ll get desperate. It could put the hostages in danger.”
“He’s a smart man. If he thinks we are on to him, killing them will not help him. It is a risk, but there are thousands of lives on the line here including ours if we don't find that sarin.”
“This is way too close to home, Dex. What if we can't find it?” Steve pinched the bridge of his nose. What if he never saw Megan again?
“You know better than to think that way. Megan will not be exposed to it and if you stay where you are, neither will you.”
“It’s Reborn,” Steve said. “They make it personal. The team could be the fucking target. I should be there with you guys.”
After a few seconds silence, Dex spoke.
“We’ve considered that, and we’re being careful. The girls will all be on base, and that shit isn't getting to anyone here. You’re where you need to be. Let's see if Volkov comes forward, and we can regroup in the morning. Maybe you bring Diane to the base, too. I’m assuming she’s not going back to work?”
“Not a chance. It’s Friday tomorrow, so she can work from here. I want this fucking thing wrapped up before she sets foot back in that place. Any news on whether her firm are involved in any way?”
If they were, that would mean the end of Diane’s partnership dream there and, since she was working on Volkov’s case, she would be questioned about her involvement. He had no idea how that would affect her ability to practice. Although, after their conversation tonight, he wasn't sure she even wanted to practice law again.
“I haven’t heard anything more. Have the partners reached out to her?”
“Left voicemail. She plans to check in with them tomorrow. Keep up the pretense of preparing for the hearing.”
“Sounds good. Let’s not give them any reason to be suspicious. If they’re involved, we’ll take them all down.”
Yes, they would. If McCormick and Michaels were helping Volkov, they deserved to be brought in. But, hell, he didn’t want Diane tainted by any of this.
Wanting to go and continue his conversation with Diane, he said, “I’m going to go check on Diane. Talk in the morning, unless you get something sooner. Stay safe, Dex.”
“You bet.”
Steve ended the call and headed quietly upstairs. When he stepped into the bedroom, Diane was in bed, facing him, her eyes closed. Her chest rose and fell in a steady rhythm of sleep. He wanted desperately to talk more, but he wasn’t going to wake her. She was obviously exhausted. They could talk more tomorrow.
He moved to the ensuite, got undressed, then brushed his teeth. Plugging his phone in beside the bed, he slipped under the covers and cradled Diane from behind. She stirred briefly and snuggled back into him. It felt good to be back in their bed, with his wife. He should have never let her sleep alone. Unless he was on an op, it was damn well never going to happen again.
***
D IANE WOKE UP TO THE feel of Steve’s arms around her, her back pressed to his front as he spooned her. It felt wonderful. It had been a long time since she’d woken up this way. In the week, Steve was always up and out for PT. For the past few months on the weekends, she had been up early to go into the office. Sunshine peeked through the blinds. Wow, she’d slept all night. She couldn’t remember the last time she had slept more than four hours.
“Good morning,” Steve murmured into her hair.
“Good morning.” She pressed back against him, and his arms tightened.
“How are you feeling?”
“I can’t believe I slept all night.”
“You needed it.” He kissed her neck, and it sent shivers down her spine. “It’s early. Go back to sleep. We can get up in an hour or so and call Megan.”
“What did Dex say last night? Was there any news?”
“Not much. They’re still following some leads. It’s looking more like Volkov just plans to take his daughter rather than wait for the hearing.”
“Does that mean the attack is definitely happening soon?” She turned in his arms to face him, all thoughts of going back to sleep forgotten.
“We believe so. Yes.” His voice was soft, his breath warm on her skin.
“So, I’m in the clear.”
“We can’t be sure yet, which is why for now, you stay here, and Megan stays with Jessica.”
She was desperate to see Megan, but understood Megan was safe with Agent Adams, especially if there was an attack. She shuddered at the thought.
“Hey, what’s wrong?”
“I miss Megan, and I’m scared about the attack.”
He kissed the tip of her nose. “Megan is in the safest place and don't give up on Onyx finding the sarin.”
“I know. Sorry. I just want this over with.”
“It will be soon, Angel. I promise.”
She looked at her handsome husband. She felt so much better this morning after telling him everything. No, she wasn't suddenly happy, and everything she had been feeling hadn't suddenly gone away. But here in Steve’s arms for the first time in a long time, she didn't feel so alone.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
“For what?”
“For listening. For still being here. For not telling me how stupid I was being.”
He brushed his thumb over her lips. “I will always listen. I will always be here for you, and you are not stupid. I don’t want to hear you say that about yourself again.”
Then he kissed her. A gentle, soft, loving kiss that took her breath away. When he lifted his head, the desire in his eyes practically burned her.
“Angel, I know we’re not done talking, but right now, I need you. I want to make up for the other day like I promised.”
She frowned. It was still bothering him. “You didn't hurt me, Steve. You would never hurt me. If I had said stop, you would have. You gave me exactly what I needed at that time.”
“Rough sex is what you needed?” He arched an eyebrow in question.
“What I needed was to get out of my head, my thoughts, for a while. Through all of this, making love with you has probably been the only time where I felt like the old me. You touch me and I forget about everything else, except how good you make me feel. I’ll have sex with you any which way you want. So, will you please forget about the last time, and do what you do best?”
He shook his head, and she thought for a moment he was going to turn her down.
But then he smiled. “You are amazing, and I love you. It doesn’t change that I don’t like how I was with you, and I intend to be extra attentive to be sure you understand how you should be loved.”
“Well, if you insist,” she said, giving him a wide smile. Steve was staring at her intently. “What?”
“I haven't seen you smile like that in a very long time. I’ve missed it.”
She was smiling and it was because of this man, her husband. “I should have come to you before. I’m still worried, anxious. I’m not sure where I go from here, but talking to you last night, admitting how I felt. I don’t feel so alone.”
“I never want you to feel alone again, and I will do everything I can to make sure that doesn't happen. I’m happy talking to me made you feel a little better. Like I said we have more to talk about, but first...”
His mouth crushed over hers and she snaked her arms around his neck and pressed up against him. For the next hour, Steve made good on his promise, lavishing her with attention.