Chapter 21
TWENTY-ONE
He’s supportive even when he disagrees with me.
BAILEY
While Max dealt with his patient, I found a paper and pen and started a brainstorm of the reasons why I should agree to Nate’s plan and another brainstorm of the reasons why I shouldn’t.
On the should side, I covered things like the fact that catching the bad guys would mean I could get back to my own life without worrying about whether someone might attack me the next time I went anywhere on my own.
I also included the added safety factor that the police represented. I wasn’t naive enough to believe they were foolproof, but it was certainly something to take into consideration.
Ugh. I scowled at the brainstorm, irritated.
I preferred to make decisions based on vibes and my mood, but this was too important for me to act impulsively, and that meant trying to work through things like a responsible, mature adult.
On the shouldn’t side, I noted that Max wouldn’t be happy with me and underlined it because that was kind of a big deal when we’d only just admitted our feelings for each other.
There was also the whole issue of risking life and limb. If something went sideways, I could end up hurt just as badly as last time, if not worse.
But then, if we didn’t do it, and they remained free, that might happen at some point anyway.
I twirled the pen between my fingers, grimacing because I knew which option I was going to choose—I probably had all along—and Max was going to hate it.
I spent the rest of his time with the patient trying to figure out how to break the news to him without losing our brand-new relationship.
I heard him moving around the clinic, taking payment, and sending his patient on their way. Why didn’t he have a receptionist? That seemed like an oversight. Perhaps he wouldn’t work such long hours if…
Don’t get distracted.
As soon as he entered the break room, his eyes narrowed.
“You’ve already made up your mind,” he accused.
I wrung my hands, realizing too late that I should have tossed my brainstorm into the bin so he wouldn’t be able to see my thought process if he glanced toward the paper. “I’d still like to talk it through with you.”
His lips firmed, and he shook his head. “I don’t want to listen to you come up with ways to justify putting yourself at risk.”
“I’m going to be at risk either way,” I pointed out. “At least if I did this and it worked, my mind would be at ease in the future.”
“But it could go wrong,” he protested, putting his hands on his hips. “The past two years aside, the police here aren’t experienced with violent crime. They don’t have the expertise to back you up. It’s a bad idea.”
“But it’s my bad decision to make,” I snapped, squaring up to him. “I’m glad you care about me, but I’m the one who gets to decide what I do or don’t do, not you.”
His mouth fell open, and my gut clenched.
I shouldn’t have lost my patience with him, but I kept my mouth shut because even though I felt bad for snapping, I wouldn’t apologize for standing my ground.
We might be—what? Dating? Dipping our toe into relationship waters?
—but that didn’t mean he got to dictate my choices.
Even if he did have a good reason to be concerned.
Sighing, he shoved his fingers through his hair, pushing it back off his forehead. “I’m sorry. You’re right, it’s your choice. I just don’t want anything to happen to you. I’m listening now. Why don’t you explain it?”
I nodded and paced the length of the room, pivoting toward him when I reached the far wall.
“As I was saying, waiting and not knowing if someone will attack again is too much for me. You’ve seen how I panic.
I can’t stand walking around like a time bomb, knowing I might lose my shit if a memory comes back to me or if I think I see someone look at me wrong. ”
“I understand that.” His voice was tight, and he looked like he wanted to say more, but he kept it to himself, and I appreciated the effort.
“If we set a trap, then I can brace myself. I don’t know if it’ll stop me panicking, but it will help me feel more in control of the situation. And if it ends this faster, it would be worth it.”
He approached me tentatively. When I didn’t move, he stopped a scant inch from me and kissed my forehead, then, when my spine lost a little of its rigidity, he nuzzled the side of my neck.
“Why can’t you just stay safe with me?” His lips moved against my skin, tickling slightly.
“Don’t distract me.” I closed my eyes and pretended I wasn’t melting beneath his touch. “The sooner this is over, the sooner I can get back to the way things were.”
He drew back sharply, his swift withdrawal jarring, and I blinked blankly at him as I tried to figure out why he’d suddenly put distance between us. His shoulders slumped, and he looked almost… hurt.
But why?
“Do you want to go back to the way things were that badly?” he asked.
With a bolt of clarity, I understood.
“I love staying with you.” I stretched up to kiss his cheek, grateful when he didn’t back away. “I want to date you, but I can’t just move in with you out of fear. When that happens, it will be because we’re ready to take that step in our relationship together, and not for any other reason.”
I was used to being impulsive, but even I knew that taking such a big leap without building a strong foundation might end us before we really began.
I wouldn’t lose him like that.
He grimaced. “I know you’re right, but I want you to be cautious. It’s your choice, though, and if you want to go along with Nate’s plan, then I’ll support you, but I don’t like it.”
My shoulders drew up, my elbows tucked into my sides, and I darted a glance at him. I hated that making this choice would upset him—especially since the raw fear in his eyes was undeniable—but I’d avoided enough already.
Hell, I’d avoided so much that I’d cheated myself out of time with Max.
Perhaps, if I tackled things head-on for once, it might actually work out for the best.
I grabbed my phone. “I’ll call Nate and find out what the plan is.”