Four
Anika
I forced myself to finish updating the charts on the NICU patients before I went to the cafeteria.
I detoured to the doctor’s bathroom first, a fancy affair – with a Game of Thrones-style chair and essential oil diffusers and glass tiles. It was the product of a former paeds surgeon donating generously to the department and the administration finally heeding the staff’s demands of having a proper lounge.
I was a mess , I acknowledged.
The dark circles under my eyes were ever more pronounced, my roots were showing and the tee shirt under the scrub top was torn in the arm hole. Still, I straightened my ponytail, reapplied light eyeliner and lipstick and squared my shoulders.
‘Tits up, Ani,’ I told my reflection. ‘Obviously, he’s not here for you.’
But I wish he was…
I shushed my heart and walked-ran toward the cafeteria.
The hospital cafeteria was a spacious, humming space filled with the aromas of vada paav (spicy mashed potato fritters) and stale chai all mixed in with antiseptic and floor cleaner. The lighting was dim, and the furniture was functional. But it had a special section reserved only for practicing and visiting doctors.
A group of white coats had gathered around one table and, I knew, that’s where he was.
Saint Vikrant – holding court with his admiring subjects. Resentment rose up in my throat, killing the pleasure and anticipation of seeing the man I adored and still dreamed of, even though I knew how hopeless it was.
To be fair, Vikrant didn’t court people. In fact, he was aloof and a little shy. Always had been. Even back in college.
I was the one who’d spoken to him after a whol e month of utter silence from him during Basics of Anatomy class. It was just a simple thing, I’d borrowed a pen. But I had done it.
I asked him out at the end of the first semester. I kissed him on our fifth date. I made my ‘move’ during the camping trip summer vacation and we shared a tent for the night. And I suggested getting married after we had both received our job offers.
He’d just gone along with everything.
But not in the end. No, in the end, he’d put his foot down and picked being a damn saint than be with me and support me.
Worse, he’d picked his famil y over me.
Righteous anger and resentment filled the empty spaces where hopeless love for him still lived inside me, so my eyes flashed a special kind of flint when I stalked toward the group.
***
‘So, tell us about running a hospital for the poor people, doc?’ Dr. Vinod Swamy asked with a snicker.
I closed my eyes as I heard my husband’s reluctant laugh after a year. It was low, throaty, entirely too masculine for my peace of mind. It was melting my bitterness. I couldn’t stand it.
‘Don’t be silly, Swamy,’ I said airily, as I shouldered my way to the forefront of the crowd of admirers. ‘Vik isn’t running a charitable hospital. It’s a small clinic in the middle of nowhere. And,” I aimed a nasty, vicious smile at poor Swamy. ‘I’ve seen the houses in Aronda. None of them are poor, man.’
Swamy smiled uncertainly, while an awkward silence reigned around the group.
‘Anika, I thought you were in the NICU,’ Dr. Anu said, finally. ‘I was just going to text you, but you know how bad the network is on the fifth floor.’
Anu had tried to mediate between Vikrant and me back when a mediation might have actually worked between us.
‘Yep, I know,’ I gave her a small smile.
I still didn’t look at Vikrant, even though I knew I had his attention. Say what you will, but the man was predictable. If I was anywhere in the vicinity; he was looking at me. Silent, with intense focus. Too bad that was all he did.
Talking was not his strong suit.
I couldn’t believe I found his silent brooding hot, once upon a time. What a silly, immature girl I was.
The silence continued for a few more seconds before Dr. Tripathi cleared his throat as his phone beeped. ‘Hey, look at that. I have a patient to look at. So nice to have you back, Vikrant.’ He slapped Vikrant on the shoulder. ‘We have to hang out outside of this hellhole before you leave again.’
‘Sure, Ashok. I’ll text you, okay?’
That was the secret cue for everyone to disperse until it was just Vikrant and me at the huge booth.
***
I remained standing and he was sitting.
He looked the absolute same – same scruffy beard, piercing, unreadable eyes. Maybe he’d lost a little bit of weight around the cheeks but the rest of him looked the same. Tall and vital and strong.
I hated him for it.
Finally, Vikrant broke the silence. He leaned back against the booth, resting one long arm on the headrest. ‘That wasn’t necessary, you know.’
‘What wasn’t?’ I kept my eyes trained on his face, even though I wanted to look at his shoulders. I used to sit right next to him, safe in the circle of his arm. Chipku, he used to tease me. Sticky. I had been so stuck on him.
It was horrifying but tears unexpectedly sprang in my eyes. I blinked rapidly, clenching my fists in an effort to stop them.
‘Attacking Swamy and Anu. They were just trying to defuse the situation.’
‘The situation being me, right?’
Vikrant sighed. ‘Will you sit down, Anika?’
‘What for?’ I was scornful because it hurt that he’d come to the hospital and not sought me out first. He’d actually spent time with his friends,ou r friends, and not even bothered to tell me he was coming.
It just showed how badly our relationship was destroyed.
‘So, we can talk?’
‘What do you want to talk to me about? I signed the papers last week, didn’t I?’ I whispered.
It had broken my heart, broken me to see those papers. To see the death of the loving hope I had nurtured when I’d seen this man for the first time, when he’d been just a boy. He was supposed to be differen t . He was supposed to stay.
But he hadn’t.
Vikrant dropped his eyes at my question, not answering it. Perversely, it made me bold enough to sit down opposite him.
‘Well, I’m sitting now. What did you want to talk about?’
He raised his eyes and looked at my ponytail. It was short and stubby. ‘You cut your hair.’
I shrugged. ‘It was too much to maintain.’
We lapsed into silence for a moment. I remembered how he’d loved to comb it every chance he got and tangle it in his fist right before he brought me to my toes to kiss me. The gesture was sodominatin g it drove me mad. Right out of my clothes.
‘I see.’
‘I see you’re still the same.’ I indicated the ketchup stain on his cute pink shirt. ‘Still a klutz during mealtimes.’
He was one of those secure manly men who had no problems experimenting with colors. In fact, it was one of the rare times we’d bonded over shared playfulness – his love of bold and unusual colors.
He smiled and rubbed half-heartedly at the stain. It spread further.
‘Is everything okay, Vik? Why are you here?’
‘Forget about me. Tell me about you. Anu told me you’re this close to becoming chief resident. Congratulations, Ani.’
‘Thank you.’
I was confused. He sounded sincere. As if he couldn’t be happier for me. When the exact opposite was the truth.
‘You don’t look…are you okay?’ Vikrant asked, all innocence.
‘I don’t understand,’ I said slowly.
‘You don’t understand what?’
‘You hate my job,’ I bit out. ‘You hate that I chose it over moving to the backwater town with you. That I wouldn’t help take care of your parents. Now you’re congratulating me on doing well at my job? What kind of sick game is this?’
‘First of all,’ Vikrant retorted. ‘Aronda is not the backwaters. It is a small town on the border between Maharashtra and Goa. So, stop calling it that. Secondly, I never hated your job or your commitment to it. As for the rest, I don’t want to talk about it right now. You signed the papers, didn’t you? We’re officially done.’
I couldn’t believe it, but he actually sounded bitter. Bitter and angry.
What did he have to be angry about? He was living the life he always planned for. In the big house he’d been able to rent for his parents in the small tow n where he was the big deal doctor. And, best of all, his angry, rebellious, citified wife was nowhere in the picture.
I lost everything. I bet on a man after what my father had put my mom through because I thought Vikrant was different. And look where I was now. Angry and resentful with premature grey hair before thirty. For shame!
‘Yes,’ I said softly. ‘We’re officially done.’
‘Good.’
‘Excellent.’
I nodded. I made to get up when Vikrant caught my wrist. ‘Dammit, wait, Anika.’
‘What?’ My skin burned, it actually burned where he touched me. Like I was a wilting plant, and he was the sun, and I needed his touch to bring me back to life. ‘And don’t touch me without my consent.’
He dropped my wrist and closed his eyes.
‘I’m sorry. I’ve been an ass. The truth is…’ He hesitated. ‘The truth is, I came here to see you. Only you.’
My stupid heart leaped at the words I’d longed to hear all year. But I schooled my expression into a mask of indifference and sat back in the seat. ‘I’m listening.’
‘I…’ Vikrant ran a hand through his hair, disturbing strands of it. ‘I need you back, Anika. I need you to come to Aronda with me.’
My mouth dropped open in unattractive shock.