Chapter Fifteen. #3
She looked away, feeling a mix of emotions.
That answer should have brought her relief, but instead, it unsettled her.
Deep down, Tanya wanted Crown to be upset.
Not at Smoky, of course, but at Maino. She wished Crown would deal with the problem the way he always did.
She wanted Maino gone, and while she knew it was a terrible thought, she couldn't help it.
Ever since Smoky had filled her in on everything, that thought had lingered in her mind.
Tanya had been aware of Maino for a while, just as she knew about all Smoky’s guys. They shared everything. But this situation was different. Maino had managed to stick around for far too long.
The rest of the drive passed in silence. A few minutes later, Tanya noticed the car’s speed increasing. “Why you driving so fast?” she asked.
Smoky glanced over at her. “I’m driving regular.”
“No you not. You’re driving fast. You been moving different lately.”
“What you mean by that? And speaking of moving different lately, why you been questioning every little thing I do now?”
“Because it seems like everything you’re doing now is centered around him. Are you moving so fast because you’re trying to drop me off and go to him?”
The words hung heavily between them. Smoky didn’t respond; he just kept driving.
But the truth was, that’s exactly what he planned to do.
However, he held back, sensing she was in her feelings.
He wanted to avoid making shit worse. He didn’t understand what had gotten into Tanya.
Lately, she was tripping with him. She had never acted like this before.
Their relationship was built on honesty and freedom.
Smoky came and went as he pleased, and so did she.
Tanya spent time with other men when she felt like it, and she rarely questioned his whereabouts or actions.
The only rule they had ever followed was don’t fuck with anyone local.
It wasn’t out of jealousy but out of mutual respect and for those around them who didn’t know their truth.
So, what had changed? What the fuck was he missing?
Tanya hated feeling this way. She despised the notion that she had to fight for Smoky's attention, the one person who had never once made her feel forgotten. She understood it was complicated, and it probably didn’t make sense to anyone else.
But she didn’t care about his sexuality.
She genuinely loved him as her husband. Smoky had never just been a man to her.
He was her best friend, her protector, her savior.
She had grown deeply attached to the life they built together and the role she played in his world.
“Yeah, you’re going to him. You’re going to let him know that everything is okay.” Tanya said, breaking the silence that had formed.
“Why you trippin’ on me, T? What’s the issue?”
“You’ve never acted like this with anyone else. What is it that you’re trying to gain from you and him?”
Realizing she wouldn’t let it go, Smoky sighed heavily as they stopped at a red light. His gaze shifted between her and the road ahead, weighing his words carefully.
“I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.”
“You know if you care about him or not.”
Smoky looked at her but didn’t answer.
“Do you care about him?”
Still, he didn’t say anything. But he nodded.
Tanya swallowed hard as her heart began to throb. “Do you love him?”
Smoky’s eyes returned to the road.
“Why is that important?”
“Because…” She paused, looking down at her hands, fumbling with her wedding ring. “For the longest, this was something only we knew. But now Crown knows, and I fear what that means.”
“It means nothing. That’s my brother. Eventually, I would’ve had to tell him.”
“It means everything. Because I think if you put your pride to the side enough to tell Crown, then that means you love Maino. You love him enough to eventually go public about yourself… about him. You’ve been wanting to do it since you met him.
This situation with his safety being at risk only gave you a stronger reason to do it, Smoky. ”
Smoky grew quiet because she wasn’t wrong. To this day, Tanya knew him so well. She could read him better than anybody. Those thoughts had crossed his mind before.
“Nothing is set in stone, T. I’m not looking to jump the gun and tell the world. I’m just…” Smoky paused, searching for the right words. “I’m just trying to live.”
The words caught Tanya off guard. Smoky never talked about himself that way…never expressed what he wanted or needed. Birds of a feather flock together. He was much like Crown, always taking care of everyone else.
Smoky grew uncomfortable with the conversation. Quietly, he pulled off when the light turned green.
“I never said you couldn’t live, Smoky. But are you trying to live your life with him?”
“I don’t understand why you asking all these questions that I don’t even have the answers to right now.”
Tanya closed her eyes, taking a deep breath while still twisting her wedding ring around her finger. “Because I’m trying to figure out if that new life you’re building in your head still includes me.”
Smoky’s expression softened as he looked over at her. He reached over and took her hand, rubbing his thumb across her fingers the same way he had the night he saved her and brought her home with him. Back then, she had been just as shaken and just as lost. He hated seeing her that way.
“I don’t know exactly what my future looks like, ma.
I don’t. But what I do know is you will always be in my life.
I’ll always love you, take care of you, no matter which path we choose.
I’ll always keep in contact with you because of our history…
because of what you mean to me…because of what you’ve been to me. ”
“Contact?” Tanya’s voice broke as her eyes watered at his words. Out of everything he said, that was the only part she heard. “Keep in contact? You think I just want to keep in contact?”
“It ain’t that much different from what we doing now. Granted, we love one another, and we’re there for one another. But our shit ain’t normal, T.” Smoky studied her, genuinely trying to understand. “You wanna live like this forever?”
“Since when didn’t you? Last I checked, we needed one another, and we wasn’t just gon’ let that go.” Tanya shot back. “We promised each other forever. Hell yeah, I want this forever. What the fuck are you talking about?”
“I made that promise when a nigga was young and stupid.”
“Young…and stupid?”
“Yes. This dysfunction, T. We ain’t little kids no more, running around dreaming while I gotta hide who I am. We grown as fuck. A nigga will be forty in a few more years. My way of thinking has changed.”
Tanya grew quiet, hurt settling over her.
Part of her knew he was right. She understood the reality of what he was saying.
But the other part of her loved him enough to accept the dysfunction.
Loved him enough to convince herself that the way they had always lived could continue forever. He was all she knew.
As Smoky pulled onto their street, he bit down on his bottom lip, trying to gather his thoughts. Once they pulled into the driveway, he felt he had a better way to convey himself.
“T, I think you just scared. Since I came at you in that hallway, we been locked in. I don’t know if your fear stems from the fact we ain’t ever been without each other or if it’s more of a dependency thing.
But truth is, there’s somebody out there better for you…
that can give you so much more than I ever can.
He could love you better. You want kids and shit.
You tell me that all the time. You can’t get that with me, so why not try to bloom and be completely happy? ”
Tanya didn’t even have a response. She just nodded and got out of the car, crying.
From the windshield, Smoky watched her, cursing himself.
Part of him wanted to go after her with comfort, but the other side didn’t want to confuse her and give her false hope.
That side craved to get to Maino. He sat there for almost an hour, contemplating.
Then finally he jumped out and went to check on her.
At the end of the day, Tanya was his wife.
His best friend. He couldn’t leave her like that.