Chapter 31
Theo
“Can you keep a secret?” Dave asks, slamming the end of his pick into the ground.
We’re fixing a muddy spot by the barn, digging out a temporary path for the water to drain, then later this week we’ll create a more permanent solution.
Mud is caked onto our boots, splattered up our jeans, and there’s even some in Dave’s gray hair.
But we’ve got warm coffee Mary delivered a little while ago, a belly full of her delicious blueberry muffins, and a crackly radio playing Jefferson Starship. It’s a great morning.
“Is it about Fable?” I glance back to where she and her mom are sitting on the porch swing.
“I’m smart enough to know you shouldn’t be keeping secrets about your partner.” He winks and my ears feel hot. It’s one thing to be in a fake-relationship-with-benefits with Fable; it’s an entirely different thing for her father to call attention to it. “No, this is about Finn and Millie.”
“Then yes, please.”
“Finn took the day off work yesterday to drive down and tell us he’s going to propose to Millie.”
A smile streaks across my face. “That’s exciting!”
Dave tosses away a clump of mud. “They planned a trip to visit his family in Italy in August, and he wants to do it there. Came down to give us the details in hopes that we could make it to surprise her.”
“Are you all going?”
“Yep. We’re buying our tickets this afternoon.” He pauses, turning to look my way. “We’re getting tickets for Tessa and Fable, and I wanted to see if you’d like to come with us.”
I freeze, my shovel halfway into the dirt, completely taken aback. If everything works according to plan, this agreement between Fable and I will be over in August.
That doesn’t stop the hopeful beat in my chest, though.
I give myself a breath to imagine what that would look like—me a part of the Oaks family, traveling and celebrating milestones with them.
Fable and I in the beautiful streets of Italy, our arms around each other, color on her cheeks from a day spent in the sun.
She’d taste like chocolate gelato when I pressed my lips to hers.
But in the next breath, I cut myself off. I can’t keep dreaming about more than I can have. It’s bad enough when I’m with her—my mind is constantly trailing into places it shouldn’t, trying to work around the rules and make exceptions.
But I can’t risk her like that.
“Tessa’s fiancé can’t make it,” Dave continues. “But I’d love for you to be there if you want to.”
“I, uh . . .” My brain scavenges for a good explanation. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to with everything going on at work.”
He nods, his expression thoughtful. “If anything changes, let me know. We’d be happy to have you with us.”
“Will do,” I assure him, getting back to work. It takes me a few moments to realize Dave hasn’t joined me.
I look up to find him leaning his pick against the nearby fence.
“You know, I’ve always loved that I had three daughters.
I think I was meant to be a girl dad.” He steps closer and squeezes my shoulder.
“But damn if I haven’t lucked out in the son department too.
I couldn’t ask for better than you and Finn. ”
It’s shockingly instantaneous, the pressure behind my eyes. The second he says those words, I can barely keep my face from scrunching up with emotion.
My voice comes out wobbly on the edges when I whisper, “Thank you. That . . . that means a lot to me—to be included in that.”
He tilts his head. “You are an exceptional man. You know that, right?”
I can’t lie to Dave and pretend to agree with him, so I stay quiet.
It takes two seconds for him to see the truth somewhere in my face.
“Then I haven’t done a very good job making sure you know.
” He steps in front of me, taking up all the space in my line of vision as he folds his hands around my shoulders.
“I’m proud of you and so grateful you’re part of this family.
No matter what’s to come between you and Fable, you’ll always be a part of it, okay? ”
Then he wraps his arms around me, and even inches taller than him, I feel small inside his embrace. I’m fourteen again, desperately needing a hug from a kind, gentle man.
He seems to realize that. Maybe he hears my hard swallow. Maybe he feels the subtle shake in my shoulders. But he doesn’t comment on it. He just holds me, even though my shirt is damp with sweat and mud is caking both of us.
Birds sing in the distance. The wind blows through the trees. A horse whinnies in the field. While he holds me tight. Like he knows I need it.
That evening, I’m in my office, finishing up a report on a surgery, when a FaceTime call from Mia appears on my phone. The clinic is silent, everyone else has gone home for the day, so I swipe to answer it.
“Hey!” Mia beams excitedly from her home office. “Whatcha doing?” Bree leans over her shoulder to see the screen as well.
“Working.” I flip the phone around to show her my desk before setting it back down. “Writing a report on Beans’s surgery this afternoon.”
Bree sticks her bottom lip out. “Poor Beans.”
“Don’t worry. He’s going to be better than ever.” I tilt my head. “What are you two doing?”
“Making pasta,” Bree replies.
“Aaaand.” Mia’s practically bouncing in her seat. “We just had a meeting with our wedding planner!”
“Oh yeah?” I lean back. “How’s that going?”
“Great,” Mia says. “We got the gardens reserved for the ceremony, and I think we found a bakery we want to use.” She waggles her brows.
“Their lemon raspberry cake? You’re going to want to eat the whole thing.
” Her expression smooths into something serious.
“But I wanted to ask you a question. Do you have a second?”
“Absolutely. What’s up?”
“We’ve been thinking through the logistics of the ceremony for a few weeks and”—Mia grabs her fiancée’s hand—“I wanted to ask if you would walk me down the aisle? I’d be honored if it was you.”
My heart stutters to a stop, completely startled by the question. “I, uh . . . you don’t want me.”
She looks offended. “What do you mean? I’m asking you.”
I shake my head. “Mia. I’m—” I pause, trying to find the right words. I don’t deserve that. I’m not the person you want for that role. I didn’t protect you when I should’ve.
I mean them—down to my very bones I mean them—but I can’t bring myself to say them out loud. To admit them to my sister.
Instead, I settle on, “You don’t have to do that.”
Mia’s face contorts with pain, like I’ve hurt her somehow. She turns to Bree and murmurs something too soft for me to hear. Bree kisses her cheek and says, “Love you,” before leaning into the phone and telling me, “I love you, too, Theo.”
For some reason, that statement burns in the back of my throat as she leaves the room.
Mia scoots closer, tightening the bun atop her head. “I want you to listen to me. And you’re not going to like it, but I will fly down there and make you listen in person. Don’t put it past me. I’ll tie you to a chair if I have to, so you really hear me.”
I manage to crack a smile. “All right.”
Her throat works on a swallow. “You’re pushing away the thought of walking me down the aisle because you don’t think you deserve it.”
My muscles tense. I press my lips together, unable to come up with an argument because she’s exactly right.
“I want you to walk me down the aisle, Theo,” she insists. “You. And quite frankly I won’t take no for an answer.”
I feel as if an anvil has dropped on my chest. “I’m just your brother.”
Her jaw shifts. “Don’t say that. Without you . . .” There’s a glassy sheen to her eyes that I feel mirrored in mine. “I wouldn’t have made it without you. You made sure Mom and I felt loved and taken care of. You’ve stopped at nothing to make sure I’m happy all these years.”
My voice cracks when I say, “Your happiness is the most important thing to me.”
“I know. You gave up your job to live with our grandparents, so I didn’t feel the need to. You take care of Mom while I live hours away.” She shakes her head. “Now it’s your turn.”
“For what?” I ask, genuinely confused.
“To take care of you. To let yourself be happy. You pretend you are—put on a good show, really—but you’re not. You’re too busy worrying about everyone else and not giving yourself the life you deserve.”
The floor wobbles under my feet. “I’m . . . happy.”
Her face falls. “No, you’re pretending to be because you think it’ll be easier on me.
And, god, I’d love to say, ‘Do it for me. Be happy because it makes me happy.’ But that’s bullshit, Theo.
I want you to be happy for you.” A tear tumbles down her cheek.
“And I don’t think you’ll be able to truly be happy until you can talk about what happened. ”
My shoulders shudder with a deep breath. “Talking about it is hard.”
She shakes her head, her face full of sympathy.
“But pushing through the hard part is what helps you get better. I’m not going to sugarcoat it.
It sucks. But you come out better on the other side.
I promise. I’d love if you talked to me—I’m always going to make time to talk about it with you.
But I think it’s even more important for you to stop canceling therapy appointments. Talk to someone who can help you.”
Those appointment nudges come through on a monthly basis, and they’re piling up in the junk folder of my email. Every reminder feels like a punch to the gut, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to block the email—like my subconscious is trying its hardest to push me in the right direction.
“I can see it—you’re keeping everyone at a distance, punishing yourself for something you didn’t do.” Mia shrugs. “And I’m sure it’s hard to hear, but I need you to help yourself. It’s not something we can do for you. You have to decide you want something different.”
My eyes fill with tears. Combined with the conversation with Dave this morning, my emotions are boiling over. I can’t keep a lid on them.
Then Mia delivers the final blow. “How much more are you going to let him take from you? We’ve lost so much to him. He doesn’t deserve any more of us.”
The dam breaks. A tear tracks down my cheek and Mia makes a devastated noise through the phone. “Dammit, we should’ve had this conversation in person. I need to hug you.”
I sniffle. “You can owe me one.”
Her laugh is watery. We’re quiet for a few beats before she tips her head. “Next time I see you, I’ll hug you extra hard.”
“Not if I do it first.”
Mia nods and shifts to talk about wedding plans. She sends me pictures of the dresses she picked out—one for the ceremony and one dancing-friendly option for the party—and tells me all about the pop-up tattoo station she wants.
“You could finally get a tattoo,” she says, eyes mischievous. “My sister is a genius, right across your neck, so everyone knows.”
I grin. “As soon as you get my brother is the best across yours.”
“Wonder what Fable and Bree would have to say about that.” Her laughter lightens something in my chest. “Who are we kidding? They’ll be right there taking pictures of the whole thing.”
“I’ll tell Fable to charge her phone.”
A smirk tugs at her lips. “Huh. I just realized, Fable will be there. You’ll be there. You two could come to my wedding together.”
My smile falters. “Our arrangement will be over by then.” The thought of seeing her there, maybe even with someone else, constricts something in my chest.
“Hey, Theo?” Mia says gently.
“Mm-hmm?”
“You know you can admit you’re in love with her, right?”
The floor whooshes out from under me. I’m not in love with her. I’m . . . infatuated. I’m . . . borderline obsessed. But I’m not in love. I can’t be. I’m not allowed to be.
Mia must see my panicked expression because she laughs softly. “Don’t hide from it because you’re scared. Let yourself be happy.”