Chapter 23
23
Lucy
“Hi, Carmen,” I say sheepishly.
“What are you doing here?” she demands. And then she looks down at where my hand is wrapped around Dexter’s arm. She looks at him and then back at me. It feels like the time Nat and I got caught digging through Carmen’s makeup. We were six and seven and so fascinated by our big sister’s colorful eyeshadows and the weird spoolie brush dipped in the thick black tube of mascara, and our curiosity got us into big trouble. “Lucy. What’s going on?”
Her face doesn’t change amid her deepening scowl and my cowering. I shift in my seat, squirming on the vinyl covering with every set of eyes on me. Some confused, some concerned, but the one glaring at me looks pretty angry.
“Um, surprise?” I laugh a little awkwardly, but that disappears as soon as Carmen huffs a breath of annoyance. “Maybe we should talk outside,” I finally say and stand. Dexter’s hand reaches for mine and gives it a tight squeeze. As Carmen leaves the room, I turn to look at Dexter for one last nod of encouragement.
“You okay?” he whispers.
I nod. “Yeah, I’ll be right back.”
He nods back, and I turn to leave. I reach the hallway, where Carmen’s pacing the space between the nurses’ station and the row of partitioned rooms. I reach her, my steps slow and nervous like that of a puppy dog that’s been caught chewing on its owner’s favorite pair of shoes.
“Lucy—”
“Carmen, please don’t be mad.”
Her tense body slumps a little, her shoulders sagging and the frustration on her face softening into concern. “Luce, I’m not mad. I’m just really confused. Is that someone you’re seeing? Are you here visiting him?”
“No. No, it’s nothing like that.” I hesitate and then remember, this is Carmen. Not some scary ogre out here to eat me alive. Carmen. She’s my big sister who’s never once in my entire life judged me or made me feel small. “I moved out here about two months ago.”
“Two months ?! Lucy,” she says, with an exasperated sigh. “Why?”
My eyes start to mist over so I look away, even more embarrassed now that I’m causing a scene. When she notices me on the brink of tears, she pulls me in for a deep hug, and I want to melt into a puddle of tears. Forget explaining everything to my big sister. Forget about all the lies I’ve been telling my family. I just want to fall to a heap on the floor.
“Come on,” she says softly, running a hand up and down my back. “Let’s go sit down somewhere and talk.” She pulls away from me and wraps her arm around my shoulders, leading me toward a doorway marked EMPLOYEES ONLY.
Carmen looks at me over the faint rise of steam coming from the two coffee cups between us. It started off thick and white, like a smoke signal of warning alerting us to be cautious when consuming its contents. But now, since sitting down in the empty cafeteria twenty minutes ago with the low glow from the recessed lighting sitting above us, that steam has dissipated into something less hazardous, much like the air between me and my oldest sister.
I’ve just finished telling Carmen everything. I told her about the internship and how I couldn’t pass up a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, though she confessed she already knew through the grapevine, a.k.a. Mom. I told her about the money my parents have been sending me every month to help me with rent and bills. That one, as expected, she didn’t know about. And while she tried to hide the disappointment in her face when I told her exactly how much my parents have been helping me, it slipped through the lines on her face with a small frown and furrowed brow. By the time I told her about the mishap that brought me to Dexter’s apartment and the current state of Janet’s health, those lines softened, as did the occasional hums and nods she gave.
“I’m sorry, Carmen.”
“Lucy, why didn’t you tell me?”
“How?” I ask, avoiding her eyes. “How was I supposed to tell you when Mom and Dad and even Nat told me not to apply for the internship? I mean, I understand they’re thinking about me and they mean well, but this…I just couldn’t pass it up. And it’s been tough. The people I’m working with are really intimidating and knowledgeable, but I’m learning so much. And maybe I can actually make something out of this. But no w, Mom wants me to move back home, and all I can think about is how desperate she is for me to find a job. And I—” My words are cut off by a sudden sob. It hits my chest with so much force, I don’t even realize how dejected I sound. How wounded and hurt my words feel coming from my own lips. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I just…felt like such a disappointment.”
I wipe away the tears falling off the edge of my chin, sniffling away my shame into my own self-wallowing penitence. Carmen stands from her chair, the metal legs scooting against the hard floor, before she moves around the table and pulls out the chair next to me. She tugs me into a deep hug, and I burrow my face into her shoulder.
“It’s okay,” she says into my hair. “I promise I’m not mad. I was just surprised. The last thing I expected when I walked into that room was to see my baby sister and her boyfriend?—”
“Dexter’s not my boyfriend,” I blurt out.
“Oh.”
“You know him. He’s Hayden’s friend? His old roommate?”
“Ohmigod,” she says softly, rolling her eyes as if mystified at how she could’ve missed that minor detail. “I can’t believe I forgot I know him.”
I smirk, the first hint of a smile she’s seen all night.
“And you called him instead of me? Or Nat?”
“Well, I ran into him my first week here,” I explain. “So he found out about me being here by chance and it made sense for me to call him when…”
She nods with an understanding tilt of her chin. “Well, now I know,” she says in that strong assertive voice she uses when telling me to buckle up or to help Mom set the table. “We’re going to figure it out. Okay? I’m here for you. I’m going to help you get through this.”
I feel the shift in her hands when she grabs my shoulders and in her eyes when a small frown presses her lips together. Like she’s ready to come up with an eighteen-page PowerPoint game plan. She’s coming to my aid, to big sister me like she always did when I was kid, ready to pull me out of whatever pickle I was in. But the thing is, this doesn’t feel like a pickle she needs to de -pickle me out of. At least, not anymore. Every mishap that’s come my way since I came out here, I’ve been managing on my own. It’s almost as if Dexter’s words have finally trickled their way into those aching parts of my heart, warming me from the inside out. Those ups and downs have been coming and going in a pattern with a track record that’s been working in my favor. Or at the very least, not not in my favor. And maybe it wasn’t all a fluke with a small serving of good luck. Maybe it’s all evidence of my hard work. And this whole change, the internship and me moving thousands of miles away from home, happened so I could finally see this side of myself itching for a chance to shine.
I look at her with my tear-stained face and smile. A small, meek smile, but it’s a smile. “I’m okay, Carmen. I’ve been learning to figure things out on my own since I got here. I mean, I’ve been doing it for over a month, and this has been kind of scary. You know, it’s the first time I’ve done something this risky and so far out of my comfort zone, but I’m okay.”
She tilts her head to the side, and I can’t decipher if the look on her face is because she doesn’t believe me or she can’t stand the idea of me having to figure things out on my own.
“Really. I’ll be fine,” I add. “You don’t need to worry.”
“No, it’s not that,” she says, her thumb brushing my cheek as she cradles my face. “I just can’t believe you did all of this. Move out here to the city, all on your own, and sign up for a job to do what you love. I’m so proud of you.”
“Proud?”
She nods. “Of course,” she assures. “And I understand why you didn’t tell us, but if Mom and Dad knew everything you’ve done, they’d be proud of you too. ”
My chin starts to tremble again at the mention of our parents. The two people in the world whose opinion means the most to me. Why does life have to be so hard? Why can’t I just skate through it without this constant feeling of never being good enough?
“But I get it,” she adds, watching my eyes water once again. “They won’t be mad at you, but I get it. So tell them on your own time. When you’re ready.”
We sit silent, an announcement echoing through the PA system and Carmen’s fingers drumming along the hard tabletop. I start to worry about Janet in the ER, how Dexter’s managing while waiting for more answers and test results. I should be back there with him.
“And staying with Dexter?” Carmen asks as if she’s reading my mind. “Are you planning on staying there until you have to go back?”
“He’s in between roommates right now, so he has a spare bedroom,” I explain. “The plan is for me to stay with him till the internship is over.”
“And that’s it?”
I nod, but it doesn’t feel like a nod at all. It feels more like if I could act out the answer I don’t know , it would be through this hesitant up and down motion of my head. “I think so,” I finally say.
She smiles at me as if she was already expecting this answer.
“It was at first, just him helping me out when my apartment got robbed,” I continue. “But I feel so…at home with him. Like tonight, I was talking to him about the internship and how it’s been a little stressful being away from home and all. And it didn’t feel complicated telling him. It felt easy. Things are just like that with him. They’re just… easy .”
I pause and bring my palm to my mouth. The image of Dexter, alone in his empty apartment, starts to fill my mind. Him going home by himself tonight, pacing his living room while his sister is lying in a hospital bed, worried sick. Or watching the next episode of Supernatural with a blasé look of boredom on his face reflecting the lights coming off the TV screen. And for some reason, I can’t stand it. I can’t stand the idea that he would be all alone. I would miss taking up that space in his home, filling the carved-out grooves of his couch or standing over the hard linoleum flooring of his kitchen while I scoop ice cream or pop popcorn. And maybe he would miss me too.
Carmen smirks. “It would be so you to come all this way to fall in love.”
I huff and roll my eyes. “That is not happening.”