Chapter 45
45
Dexter
I’ve watched a lot of those apocalyptic movies like zombies taking over the world or some other end of world type calamity, leaving behind only a smattering of survivors and life. But they never show what life after a catastrophe is like. The movie usually ends, leaving those moments where people have to pick up everything and somehow go on with their lives behind scrolling credits.
It’s the aftermath.
That’s what this feels like. Walking into my empty apartment, too quiet and dull without Lucy’s presence, feels like I have to pick up the pieces of my heart and learn to live my life without her in it.
I already got a message from her, a quick snapshot of her in her window seat with the light streaming into the cabin. She looks so beautiful with the light reflecting off her glowing skin. And her sweet smile makes her look even more stunning, regardless of her red-rimmed eyes and inflamed tip of her nose .
I wander through the living room, looking at parts of my apartment. Like where she sat on my couch, editing her photos on my laptop. Or at the kitchen counter, standing in front of the microwave while she waited for a bag of popcorn to finish popping. I can’t even bear to look in the empty spare bedroom. It’s too much to see how she no longer occupies the space. I’ll never be able to look at that room and not feel the gaping hole in my chest.
I walk into my room, where my sweatshirt is draped over the edge of the bed. It’s the one Lucy wore a few times. I run my fingers over the material. It feels cold and bare. I bring it to my nose and take a deep inhale. While it doesn’t feel like her anymore with the coldness taking over the warmth she weaved into the fibers, it smells like her.
How did I end up here? I feel so lost and empty.
I sit at the edge of my mattress, hoping the feeling of my own bed will help something familiar course through me. Something that reminds me I’m home and I should just settle back into my life as it was before, but I can’t. Everything feels out of place.
This isn’t home.
I’m back at the office Tuesday morning, still feeling a little discombobulated with the time differences and jet lag. I stopped by the nearest Starbucks on the way into work, ordering Lucy’s usual order with the assistance of the handy dandy order sticker in my wallet. It’s one of the things that makes me feel like I have some kind of connection to her from two thousand miles away. I’ve already sent Lucy a screenshot of my drink and a quick I miss you text message. I’ve refrained from telling her just how much I miss her. How I want to quit my job and move across the country to be near her. Even go as far as demanding space in her full-size bed and the apartment she shares with her roommate. Maybe even partaking in ownership of the cat.
“You got a tan.” Margaret, my boss, eyes me curiously before she fixes her gaze on her screen, where I emailed her a file of data for her to review. She called me into her office for a quick catching-up since I was gone for almost a week. “Where did you go?”
“Hawaii,” I answer with a nod. “I was the best man at my friend’s wedding.”
She smiles warmly. “That’s nice.” We stay silent a moment longer as her eyes return to her screen. “Everything looks good here. We’re going to have our weekly staff meeting today instead of Thursday, so bring the material with you so you can present it to the team.”
I nod again, a little curter than intended, and shut my laptop I had open on my lap.
“Was everything okay with Jacob filling in?” I ask, hoping there were no hiccups while I was gone.
“Yes, everything was fine,” she answers. “But I’m glad you made it back in time for this week. We have a few things we need to cover before month end and while Jacob’s been great, we need you here.”
I smile politely. “Just let me know if there are any adjustments you need me to make on the report, and I’ll go over them before the meeting.”
“Great.”
I stand to leave her office, but when I get to her door, I turn back to face her. “Actually, Margaret,” I say hesitantly, watching her fingers tapping a mile away on her keyboard. “I, uh…”
She stops typing and crosses her arms in front of her. “Was there something else you wanted to discuss?”
I run my fingers through my hair. “Just something I was curious about,” I answer, unsure if this is even okay to broach. “There’s nothing set in stone or anything really even happening yet, but…” I pause, considering backing out. But with the distance between me and Lucy eating away at me, I can’t just sit here, thousands of miles away from her, and not make any sort of plans. “I was wondering about transferring.”
Her eyebrows shoot up. “Transferring?”
“More like relocating. Los Angeles,” I clarify. “Like I said, nothing’s been decided, but there have been some changes in my personal life. And I know we have a fairly large branch in Los Angeles, so I would like to have the option if needed.”
She nods, nothing threatening or impolite, just an understanding that this isn’t personal. “I can look to see if there are any openings in our LA branch, any positions that align with your current work here. Sometimes they post openings internally, so it’d be good if I reach out to them.”
“I appreciate that. Thank you.”
She studies me a minute, taking in the scowl that’s been practically stitched to my face. “I hope whatever changes they are, they’re good.”
I smile gratefully, though I’m sure it’s coming off as impassive. “Me too.”
Janet’s picking at her food. Not eating the now cold pad thai I didn’t have the heart to eat alone without Lucy, but poking and moving it around on her plate.
“Not hungry?”
She shrugs. “Don’t have much of an appetite.”
I was away less than a week, and in that short time, it looks like she’s lost even more weight. And she looks weaker, more tired. She wraps a blanket around her frail shoulders, though the heat drifting between us could incubate an unhatched chicken egg.
I look at the takeout containers on the coffee table in front of us, half of them untouched, and suddenly, I don’t have much of an appetite either. The food, especially the perfectly sliced mangoes, reminds me too much of Lucy.
“When did you last talk to her?”
“On my way here,” I say to the mangoes, not bothering to ask Janet who she’s talking about.
We stay silent longer, Janet’s body slinking lower and lower into the couch cushions, and I just sit there, unsure if I can go back home to the empty apartment that reminds me too much that Lucy isn’t here. At least if I’m not home, I can pretend she’s there, waiting for me in my oversized hoodie and the loose sleep shorts that show off her soft skin and smooth legs.
Our sporadic calls, text messages, and after hour FaceTimes that go late into the night have helped. It’s helped me feel like we’re still connected in some way instead of through the distance separating us. But it’s not enough. Not by a mile.
“You should visit her,” Janet calls through closed eyes. “Take a day or two off work and spend a weekend with her.”
I sigh. “That’s the plan.” I already booked a flight after figuring out the details on when I can use some of my spare vacation hours from work. I had to clear it with Margaret too and make sure Jacob was up for taking on any unexpected emergencies, but we figured it out, this time. But I’m not sure how many more times I can do this, take time off work while hoping my boss will be cool enough to let me.
“What’s the actual plan?”
“What do you mean? ”
She opens an eye, peeking at me like Popeye. “Like, you’re going to continue doing this long distance thing? Or…”
“There’s really no or, Janet.” I scowl, angry that there really, truly is no “or.” It’s this, this back and forth with no promise of a future until we decide on something we can both live with. For now, it has to be this .
She nods.
“But…um, I kind of talked to my boss the other day,” I say hesitantly.
She responds with a quiet look of attentiveness, letting me finish.
“I was just asking about a lateral transfer to LA.”
“Like Los Angeles?”
“Lucy got a job there. The internship she’s been working for wants to hire her,” I explain. “And—I mean, I’m not going to do it, but it’s just…I want to know what my options are.”
“Dexter.” She sits up, inching closer to me. “You’re serious about her.”
I nod. “I’m in love with her.”
“Did you tell her?”
“Tell her what?”
“That you love her.”
I shake my head. “This is still really new to both of us. And I don’t want to scare her.”
“But you want to move in with her?”
“No,” I argue, sounding a little annoyed and defensive. “I would get my own pl—I’m not thinking that far, Janet. It was just a question that popped in my mind when I was talking to my boss. That’s all.”
She stays quiet, my near outburst enough to shut down any further discussion of what my situation with Lucy may be.
“Besides,” I continue, my voice calmer. “I’m not going anywhere while you’re still in treatment.”
And now it’s her turn to get upset. “Dexter, stop that shit.”
“What? ”
“You can’t let my health dictate your life.”
“I’m not. But I’m not moving across the country when you’re still actively fighting this.”
“Dex—”
“No, Janet,” I cut her off. “And besides, Lucy wouldn’t let me. She’d want me to be here with you.”
Janet smiles and reaches for my arm.
“I promise, I was just asking to have some peace of mind. That’s all.”
“Okay.”