Chapter 5 #2
‘Jesus, what just happened here?’ I blurt, throwing my hands up and showering water droplets into the air in front of me. ‘It was all going so well.’
‘Was it?’ His eyebrow is raised in amused derision now.
Which is fair enough.
‘No. I guess not,’ I say.
He flashes me a smile, which I can’t help but return.
He’s such a charismatic guy. It’s impossible not to be charmed by him.
‘Why do you think it didn’t work out with your ex?’ I ask, throwing the focus back onto him to give me a chance to get a handle on my see-sawing emotions.
He sits back in the tub, with his arms stretched out on either side of him along the rim, displaying the toned muscles in his arms to great effect. His brow is furrowed and he’s staring into the bubbling water as if he’s seriously considering my question.
After a moment of silence, where I wonder if I’ve gone too far in asking him about this right now, he finally looks at me again, his expression turning rueful.
‘She’s easily distracted and her ex snuck in under the radar and tempted her back.
I guess she was partly with me because of the money and status I provided, and he came along offering her more.
We had a blast when we first got together, but we weren’t seeing much of each other by the end because she was always away working. We’d started to drift.’
‘So why did you want to marry her?’
He blows out a long, low sigh and stares into the tub again.
‘I loved her. She’s a really cool, funny person.
Exciting to be around when she was around.
And I guess I thought it might cement our relationship and ground me or something.
I’ve been feeling a bit untethered after offloading the app.
So much of my self-worth and status was wrapped up in building then selling the business. ’
I blink at him, trying to process what he’s telling me.
‘How did you think she was going to help with that “untetheredness” if she was away all the time?’ I ask, as gently as I can.
Clearly it doesn’t come out as tactfully as I’d intended because he lets out a snort and shakes his head in bemusement. ‘I don’t know. I guess I was more focused on how good she made me feel about myself when we were together.’
‘Because she’s cool and exciting and beautiful and she chose you?’
He looks up and catches my eye. ‘You really haven’t lost that bluntness, have you?’
I shrug awkwardly in apology.
He waves a dismissive hand in the air. ‘Look, can we talk about something else? We’ve split up now so there’s no point in dissecting it.’
‘Sure.’ I show my palms in surrender. ‘I just thought it might help you make a better choice for your next partner if you knew why this one didn’t work out.’
‘Thanks, but I don’t need your help in analysing my bad decisions. I can do that for myself whilst shit-faced and alone.’
I suppress a smile. ‘Of course you can. I didn’t mean to suggest otherwise.’ I take a breath. ‘It’s just…’
‘Go on, Dasher, spit it out, I can tell you’re dying to bestow on me whatever wisdom you think I need to hear.’
‘I just wondered whether you do things because of the way you think they look to other people, rather than because they make you happy.’
‘That’s deep.’
‘Not really. Just a sixth sense I have about you.’
‘Uh huh.’
‘Don’t forget, I know how much your brother and sister compete at life and how they’ve dragged you into doing the same thing to try and keep up with them.’
‘Wow, really going for the heart of the nuclear family angst there.’
I shrug again. ‘Okay. Feel free to ignore whatever I say. I’m just trying to put some outside perspective on it.’
‘Sure. Okay.’
He closes his eyes and tips his head back till it touches the head cushion behind him, then opens his eyes again and stares up into the dark night sky.
‘You know what would help me right now?’ he says, still staring upwards into the vast inky blackness pricked with dots of light from the stars.
‘No. What?’
‘Knowing that you didn’t come as hard with your idiot ex as you used to with me.’ Tipping his head towards me, he looks me in the eye, then winks.
I let out a snort of laughter, which has bubbled up from the pit of my stomach. ‘You’re wild.’
He looks at me and grins. ‘Yeah. Pretty fucking wild still. Like an animal. I just don’t seem to be tameable.’
I let out another giggle. He smiles, then starts laughing too.
‘Look at the pair of us. What a couple of limes.’
‘Limes?’
‘Yeah. Green on the outside and bitter on the inside.’
The absurdity of this statement makes me laugh harder, and I’m suddenly caught in a kind of emotional hysteria.
But I can feel it starting to tip into tears, so I squash it down quickly and pull myself together before it gets a hold on me.
The very last thing I want to do right now is start bawling in front of Kit.
‘What exactly were you expecting to happen when you invited me to come here tonight?’ I blurt, still trying to recover myself.
He holds up both hands. ‘I had no expectations. I just wanted to keep talking to you.’
‘Uh huh.’
‘Seriously. Feel free to leave at any time if you’re not having fun.’
‘I am.’
‘What? Leaving?’
‘Having fun.’
‘Good.’
We grin at each other, until I feel my face getting hot and have to look away.
‘You know, Adrian was always jealous of you. He hated it if anyone even mentioned your name,’ I say, staring down into the bubbles in front of me.
‘Anyone? Or you?’
‘Anyone.’
‘Well, the feeling was mutual. The guy was a dickhead – still is by the sounds of it. I could never understand why you’d finish with someone as incredible as me’ – his eyes twinkle with mirth – ‘and then get together with someone like him.’ He pulls a face.
‘From the couple of times I was in his vicinity he seemed like the most boring fucking dude on the planet.’
I wrinkle my nose. ‘He’s not boring. He’s just not as spontaneous as you.’
Kit snorts and turns away, shaking his head, then turns back a moment later to fix me with his dark gaze.
My stomach flips at the sight of it. I’ve seen this look on his face before. And it always led to something exciting happening.
‘Okay, how about this for spontaneity,’ he says.
‘Wild idea. Very fitting. We should have revenge sex. Just for recreational purposes, no strings. We can make sure it gets back to him, if you like? I can tap up some contacts and get the news shoved right under his nose. I’m more than happy to play the part of the hot lover you could never forget and just can’t resist boning now. ’
I close my eyes and shake my head in jokey disparagement, though beneath the water, my whole body has just responded in a way that makes me wonder whether it’s not such a bad idea.
But it is. A bad idea, that is.
‘Jesus. Your ego didn’t get any smaller, did it?’ I joke, desperately trying to get my longing under control.
His grin is wide and wicked. ‘We did have great sex though, right? Admit it.’ He looks at me intently from beneath his long, dark lashes.
‘I know you think we’re not suited personality wise, but there’s definitely sexual chemistry between us.
It’s still there. I’m not imagining it. Am I. ’ It’s not a question.
I swallow and find my mouth is suddenly dry. ‘No. You’re not.’
‘So? How about it?’ he murmurs.
My body is screaming yes please, but my common sense is telling me not a good idea.
‘I’m really not looking for another relationship right now. I’m too bruised,’ I say. My voice sounds rough and breathy. It must be such an obvious give-away that I’m struggling with that as a decision.
‘I’m not asking for one.’
Uhhhh. He’s not making this easy.
‘I don’t know if it’s a great idea though, Kit. I came here to get my head together and spend a bit of time on my own.’
‘And you can. I promise you, I’ll give you as much space as you like. I’m not looking for anything serious either. Just a bit of fun. I swear.’
I can’t tear my gaze away from his. It’s mesmerising. Because my body has remembered exactly how much it loves to be close to his.
I’m so confused right now. I know I shouldn’t be feeling like this. But I am. I just am.
‘A revenge fuck could be cathartic, for both of us, I guess,’ I say, my voice still breathy, like I’ve just sprinted for a mile.
‘That’s the spirit,’ he says, leaving his side of the tub and moving slowly towards me, his gaze intent on mine.
My heart starts to race.
He reaches my side a moment later and I feel the hard plane of his stomach press against my knees.
My skin is on fire with a long-forgotten yearning, and it’s so sensitive even the small part of him that’s touching me is sending a riot of lust rushing through me.
‘We’re acting positively,’ he murmurs, pushing gently against my knees, so I’m forced to part my legs. ‘Reclaiming our equilibrium.’
He moves closer, his torso now pressing into the insides of my thighs, and props his hands on either side of me against the rim of the tub.
He’s gazing into my eyes, his intention to kiss me very clear.
I feel happy and sad and turned on all at once and it’s a bit too much to handle right now.
‘But I’m not convinced it’s a good idea for us to do it together,’ I mutter, staring right back at him.
He cocks his head and blinks at me, as if surprised by my statement, then backs away, pushing away from the side with his hands and out from between my thighs, putting some space back between our bodies.
‘Well, no pressure. I’m happy to leave it here and say goodnight if that’s what you’d prefer. Your choice.’
His chest is rising and falling and I can tell he’s turned on, but trying not to let it intimidate me in any way.
He’s a good guy and I know I can trust him to respect whatever decision I think is best for me.
Which is probably to stop taking this so seriously and allow myself that fun I’ve been craving.
So I take a breath, swallow hard and say, ‘I choose that you carry on doing what you were just about to do.’