Chapter 6 #2
I try not to think about what Kit might be up to tonight. No doubt he’ll be flirting full-force with some of the rich and polished women I saw at the pool yesterday. He’s never been one to let anything get in the way of him having a good time.
I jump on one of the local trains back to the town nearest the hotel, making a note of where the bamboo forest is located on my walk back. I plan on getting up before dawn tomorrow and arriving there just as the sun is rising.
The stroll back to the hotel along the river soothes me, the rushing of the water a balm to my ears after the busy noise of the city, and I experience a swoop of pleasure at being here in Japan.
I’ve heard people, who have holidayed here, rave about it for so long and I can’t quite believe I’m finally here myself, and that it’s just as wonderful as they said it was.
Despite all that’s happened to me recently, I feel an intense gratitude for the life I have. There are so many positive things in it and I’m confident I’ll be able to get past Adrian’s betrayal eventually and form it into a new shape. A stronger one.
Maybe Sadie’s right. I should treat the split as an opportunity to reassess what I want from life, then take it in a new, exciting direction. Whatever that may be.
Right now I have absolutely no idea.
Stepping back into the hotel, the first thing I hear is the sound of low male laughter coming from the direction of the bar, which is on the far side of the vast reception, by floor-to-ceiling windows that look out over the river.
I’d know that laugh anywhere.
A strong sense of bitter-sweet nostalgia washes over me, and a tingle that starts at the base of my spine rushes up my back and travels over my skin, making me shiver with pleasure.
But there’s another feeling underneath it too.
Something a bit like jealousy. Which is crazy.
I don’t care who Kit is laughing with. It’s none of my business and he has every right to have a good time without me.
We’re not even really friends, let alone partners in any sense. Not even fuck buddies, after my abrupt halting of proceedings last night.
Still, I’m inexplicably drawn towards the bar, just to see who it is that’s made him laugh like that.
As I get closer I see, as I predicted, that he’s sitting with a group of women from the pool yesterday and they’re all focused intently on him as he regales them with a story or a joke – I’m too far away to hear exactly what he’s saying.
I’m fascinated by how much more grown-up he seems now. How confident and self-assured. How in control of his own universe.
It’s really hot.
I watch him come to his conclusion, then lean back in a satisfied manner as the whole group around him burst into laughter.
It’s at this moment he looks towards where I’m standing, watching him, and our gazes lock.
An image of his dark head moving between my legs flashes through my mind and my breath catches in the back of my throat.
Before I can turn away, he raises his hand in greeting, excuses himself to the women and gets up from the table, making his way very deliberately towards me.
I’m rooted to the spot.
It would be too rude to just walk away now, but I’m suddenly feeling a bit shaky about talking to him again. Especially after what went down between us last night.
Still. Too late now.
He reaches me a moment later, his smile wide and relaxed.
My heart is racing now and I twist my fingers into my skirt to centre myself.
‘Hey,’ he says. ‘You been out?’
‘Yeah. I went into Kyoto.’
‘See anything of interest?’
‘Lots.’
He nods, seeming pleased to hear I’ve had a good time.
If only he knew the truth.
But I’m not about to let him know how restless, lost and distracted I’ve been feeling today.
‘How about you?’ I ask him.
‘I went into the city too. And to the Kinkaku-ji temple. It was really beautiful.’
‘Yeah?’
‘Yeah.’
But there’s something in his body language that’s giving me pause. Is he pretending he had more fun than he did too?
‘Hey, do you fancy joining us for a drink?’ he asks, gesturing back towards the bar and the gaggle of women who are trying to look as if they’re not watching us, even though they clearly are.
‘Nah. I don’t want to intrude,’ I say, wrinkling my nose.
‘You wouldn’t be intruding. Come and meet my new friends. They’re a lot of fun.’
‘You’re okay, thanks,’ I say, taking a deliberate step backwards. I can smell his distinctive, spicy aftershave and once again the memory of how much pleasure he’d been giving me with his mouth last night comes slamming back into my head.
I’m uncomfortably aware of heat rising from my chest and up my neck.
Any second now he’s going to know just how affected I am by his presence.
And I really don’t want him to know that.
It’s a matter of self-preservation.
So I have to get out of here.
‘Have a good evening. I’m off for a nap,’ I mutter, not meeting his gaze now. Before he has chance to say anything else, I turn away from him and head quickly across the reception.
‘Dasher!’ I hear him call behind me, just as I’m about to reach the corridor leading to my room.
Reluctantly, I stop in my tracks and turn to see him jogging towards me.
‘Are you okay? You seem a little tense,’ he says when he reaches me.
I swallow, aware of how dry my mouth is. ‘I am.’
He pinches his brows. ‘Okay? Or tense?’
I sigh. ‘Both.’
‘Why tense?’
There’s a beat of silence where we just look at each other.
I decide I may as well deal with this head-on. It’s only going to get more awkward otherwise.
‘Look, I’m sorry for running off last night, but I just felt a bit’ – I wave my hands around my head – ‘spun out. It was wrong of me to be doing that with you, so soon after splitting with Adrian.’
He frowns. ‘Says who?’
‘Hmm?’ I look at him, nonplussed.
‘Who are you so bothered about offending with your terrible behaviour as a single, grown-up woman?’
‘I… err… I don’t know! No-one. Everyone!’ Frustration and confusion bubble through me. This is not the way I wanted this conversation to go.
‘So you’re worried that all the friends and family who are here watching your every move at this hotel’ – he motions around the empty reception to prove his bloody annoying point – ‘are going to think poorly of you for having a bit of fun after being fucked over and humiliated by your ex who is now, in your words, “happily off fucking someone else”.’
‘Yeah, okay. No need to rub it in.’
He frowns. ‘I’m not. I’m just pointing out that maybe you should take the advice you gave me last night.’
‘What do you mean?’ I look at him, confused.
‘The point you made about it not being necessary to try and impress other people. That no-one here is actually judging you for your actions and decisions.’
‘You think I’m trying to impress my invisible friends by not sleeping with you?’
He shrugs and the corner of his mouth curls up into a wry grin. ‘If that’s what you want to take from it.’
I stare up at the ceiling and blink hard. ‘Ugh! You’re doing my head in!’
‘Not my intention, I promise. I’m just trying to enjoy my holiday here, Dasher. Not start a fight with you.’ He begins to back away from me, heading in the direction of the bar. ‘Join in, or not. Your call.’
Then he turns and strides away, his gait relaxed and carefree, as if this encounter is no big deal to him.
He’s happily going back to the, no doubt, sycophantic attention he’s been receiving at the bar. And will have an amazing night with those women.
Fine. Let him.
Back in my room, I pace around for a minute, straightening things on the low table in the middle of the room, then pick up my phone and check it for messages, of which there are none.
No-one’s going to bother me while I’m here, of course. Everyone knows I’ve come for an escape and to get my head together. I’d let them know in no uncertain terms that I needed space and a change of scene from everyone and everything. That I didn’t want to talk to anyone until I was back at home.
I didn’t want to be reminded about what had happened with Adrian. Which was ridiculous, of course, because I’ve thought about nothing else since the moment I got here. Except for when I was with Kit of course.
Memories of last night start to intrude again, but I push them out of my head.
I have to stop thinking about him.
Which is going to be mightily difficult if he keeps turning up everywhere I go in the hotel.
I wonder whether he’ll be sat next to me at dinner again.
Knowing Kit, he’ll probably finagle a dinner invitation from the women he was sitting with in the bar, then invite them all back to his amazing apartment to party.
Nope. Not going to think about that either.
I take a shower, letting the warm water soothe my frazzled nerves, then blow-dry my hair and dress for dinner.
When I make it to the dining room, which is just as full as last night, I see there’s only one free table left and it’s mine. There’s a boomer-age couple on one side of me and a Japanese family of four on the other. But no sign of Kit and the women.
I give my neighbours a polite nod as I sit down and they return my greeting, then immediately turn away from me, leaving me alone.
Which is exactly what I want.
Right?
Yes.
I distract myself by reading the menu from top to bottom and when the server comes to my table, I tell her my meal choice and order a glass of sake to go with it, trying not to relive the memory of how sexy it had made me feel when I was drinking it in Kit’s pool last night.
Argh!
What is wrong with me? Why can I not get him out of my head? I mean, I’m grateful I’m not wallowing in grief right now about the situation with Adrian, but even so. It’s wrong to be feeling this way.
Isn’t it?
Hmm. As much as I hate to admit it, maybe Kit has a point. Perhaps I shouldn’t worry so much about what anyone else thinks about my situation. In reality, probably no-one at all is thinking about me and Adrian or about what I’m doing with myself right now.