Chapter 8
CHLOE
I’m sleepy. So sleepy.
It’s ridiculously comfortable here in Kit’s bed, snuggled up against his solid, warm body, with my back now pressed to his front and his arms wrapped around me.
After getting into his bed, he made me come another couple of times and now I’m finding it very hard to summon the energy to leave it.
I might just stay for a little bit longer and doze, then get up and head back to my own room, since this is a sex-only arrangement. I want to be up early anyway, ready to catch the dawn at the bamboo forest.
But it’s going to be hard to tear myself away.
It’s so comforting to be held like this – so closely and covetously.
I feel really wanted right now.
Which is a relief after feeling like I might never be wanted again – at least not in the way Adrian used to want me.
My self-confidence has taken a huge knock from his rejection and I’m not sure I’ll ever fully recover from it. How will I be able to trust a partner again? Because everything I thought I knew and believed and would have staked my life on being real and true all turned out to be a resounding lie.
Out of nowhere, a dreadful sense that I’m about to cry surges up from my chest and I tense my body, fighting it back.
No, no, no! I don’t want to let this get a hold of me right now. Not when I’ve just had such a fun time with Kit and I’m feeling good about what happened with him.
I guess I’ve been forcing down the mixture of grief and creeping humiliation for so long it’s starting to push back – and win. It’s been lurking there the whole time, poised and waiting to ruin my time here.
But I’m not going to let it.
Every muscle in my body is tense from trying to get on top of this battering-of-sadness, and this seems to disturb Kit because he starts to move behind me, pulling me closer against his body.
I feel his breath on my neck, then the soft press of his lips on my skin, right over my pulse point, and despite the angst rushing through me it makes me shiver with pleasure.
‘You’re not actually a vampire who’s going to try and suck my blood now are you?
Right when I’m at my most vulnerable,’ I joke in an attempt to get a handle on my raging emotions.
I really don’t want to fall apart in front of him.
This thing with him is supposed to be a diversion and a bit of levity for us both, not a foray into our deepest darkest fears.
But he’s clearly sensed my stress, somehow, because he says, ‘Are you okay? Your whole body’s gone stiff. I can actually feel you vibrating.’
‘Yeah, I’m fine. I just stupidly started thinking about the wedding that wasn’t.’
‘Hmm,’ he murmurs. ‘That sucks. Dark thoughts always choose to rock up in the early hours, don’t they? When you’re emotionally at your weakest. At least, that’s been my experience.’
‘Yeah. It’s like my psyche’s trying to punish me for making bad decisions or something.’
‘Well, if it’s the cancelled wedding thing you’re talking about, I don’t think you have anything to be punished for. He’s the one who left it to the last second to make the bad fucking decisions. It shouldn’t be on you to pay for them.’
I give a little hiccoughy laugh, feeling a lone tear escape from my eye. ‘Unfortunately, I don’t think it works like that.’
I feel Kit move his arm and the next thing I know, he’s gently brushing my hair away from my face and smoothing his hand across my scalp in such a tender gesture I almost start crying for real.
But I manage to hold it in. Somehow.
There’s a moment’s pause before he asks, ‘Were you really happy with What’s-his-name though?’
‘Adrian?’ I pause and swallow down the lump in my throat. ‘Yeeees,’ I say, forcing my voice to remain steady. ‘At least, I thought I was.’
‘I only ask because I was surprised when you got together with him. He didn’t seem like the type of guy you’d go for.’ His voice is tinged with disdain, in a way that makes me believe he thinks I settled for less than I deserved.
‘No, well, sure. He was really different to you, which is what I needed at that point. I didn’t have to compete for his attention and he made me feel really cared for and wanted.’
Kit lets out a breath through his nose. ‘I wanted you.’
I huff out a strained laugh. ‘I mean not just sexually.’
There’s a long pause, before he says, ‘We were good together though, right?’
‘If you’re trying to get me to say that sex with you was better than with Adrian then you can move along. I’m not here to boost your ego.’
I feel him tense behind me. ‘Why are you here?’
I pause and swallow hard. ‘Good question. I don’t know. I told myself it’d be better to avoid being anywhere near you while we were both here but somehow I’ve not been able to stay away.’
‘Yeah, I noticed.’ I hear the smile in his voice.
‘All right. Please don’t go back to being the entitled prick I accused you of being all those years ago,’ I joke.
‘Falsely accused.’
‘If you say so.’
I feel him lift his hand from my hair and rub it over his eyes. ‘You know, I wonder whether you took some of the things I said back then a bit too seriously?’
I shrug my free shoulder. ‘Maybe. I was a lot more gullible and uptight and a lot less street-smart back then, that’s for sure.’
‘Yeah. You seem more chill now. I mean, we never could have had a serious conversation back then. We weren’t on the same page, emotionally.’
‘I think we were world-class at misunderstanding each other back then,’ I agree.
‘In some ways.’
‘Not in all, true.’
‘We always seemed pretty much on the same page when it came to sex.’
‘We did. And we still are, it seems.’
‘I guess the conflicting way we felt actually fuelled how explosive our sex was back then.’
‘Yeah. It did. We had some pretty wild times, that’s for sure.’
‘So we should consider this a re-centring experience for both of us,’ he says.
I shuffle around in his arms until I’m facing him. ‘Do you think we’ll be able to handle this and not get any fallout from it? Be able to walk away as friends when we leave here?’
The skin at the sides of his eyes crinkles as he smiles. ‘Of course. As long as we keep to our boundaries so we know what to expect at the end.’
‘Yeah, you’re right. We should definitely do that.’
‘Okay. So what are they exactly?’ he prompts.
‘We should agree not to try and turn this into anything more than it is right now: a holiday fling with a side order of revenge on our exes.’ I flash an evil smile.
‘You don’t want it to be more?’
I frown and shake my head. ‘No. I’m going to need time to heal from what happened with Adrian before I embark on another serious relationship.’
He’s staring down at my mouth when I say this and gives a slow nod. ‘That’s probably sensible.’
‘Anyway, just because we’re sexually compatible, it doesn’t mean we’re built for a proper relationship with each other. We need different things.’
He doesn’t say anything to this, but after a short pause, he nods again. ‘I hear you.’
‘So it’s just sex. While we’re both here. Are you up for that?’
After a second’s pause he looks up, straight into my eyes, then slides his hand between our bodies, moving it across my belly, then lower to the juncture of my thighs, where his fingertips start to play a steady rhythm, waking up all my nerve endings.
I suck in a breath of pleasure as the familiar surge of lust fans over me.
‘I’m definitely up,’ he says with a grin. ‘So, just to be clear, if I touch you like this, you’re telling me you’d be totally happy with that?’ he murmurs.
‘Happy? Yes,’ I say on a long exhalation.
His touch moves deeper and he uses his other hand to gently push my thighs apart to give him better access to my pussy.
Yeah, I have no problem with letting this happen.
None whatsoever.
I’m aware of my eyelids fluttering as I sink into the blissful sensations he’s drawing from my body.
But he’s not giving it his all; he’s holding back, I can tell.
Deliberately, I’m sure.
My suspicions are confirmed when he murmurs, ‘If you want to come, you’re going to have to tell me what I want to hear,’ in a gruff, singsong tone.
‘You’re such a smug bastard,’ I groan.
But he knows I’m only taunting him in the throes of sexual frustration, because he gives a low, amused laugh and says, ‘Oh, I know.’
But still doesn’t start moving his hand in the way he knows I need him to again.
Dammit!
‘Okay, okay! Yes, you’re the best lay I ever had,’ I say, pushing myself into his touch, not caring now how desperate it makes me seem.
‘Good. Cos you’re mine too,’ he murmurs, finally moving those thick, blunt fingers against and into me in the way he knows I love.
I’m so close already it takes only a few seconds of his dedicated touch pulsing against me, in the most perfect rhythm, before I fall into a well of bliss.
He holds me close as I luxuriate in my post-orgasmic haze, wrapping his arms around my back and fitting my head into the space between his chin and chest.
My eyes are so heavy now. I feel as if I could sleep for a week. All these orgasms have depleted me, used up the last of my energy.
I’m so warm and snug here in Kit’s arms and I’m aware of his breathing starting to become shallow, and the rhythmic rising and falling of his chest slowing as he falls asleep again.
It’s so soothing, being held like this. So blissfully calming. So quieting…
And suddenly I’m awake again.
There’s a familiar tune playing by my head.
It’s my phone alarm.
Wriggling out from under Kit’s heavy arm, I grab my mobile off the nightstand and squint at the screen. The alarm I set for a pre-dawn wake-up call is going off.
Oops.
I didn’t mean to fall properly asleep here, but I guess my body had other ideas.
It appears, from the slow rhythm of his breathing, that Kit is still sleeping soundly, so I decide the best thing to do is try and creep out quietly so as not to disturb him.