Chapter 11 #2
‘Honestly, I had some regrets afterwards. But then barely a couple of weeks later you were with what’s-his-chops, Prince Charmless, so I didn’t get a chance to woo you back.’
I suppress a grin at this. ‘Adrian. And he wasn’t charmless exactly. He was just less wild than you.’
Kit gives a dismissive snort. ‘Tame, you mean.’
‘Straightforward and totally into me,’ I counter.
His gaze is intent on mine now. ‘I was totally into you.’
My insides fizz. ‘You didn’t show it,’ I say.
He shrugs. ‘No, well, I let my brother get in my head about not settling down too quickly. He said early twenties was a time to play the field and get as much experience as possible. Serious relationships were for later in life. At the time I hero-worshipped him and thought everything that came out of his mouth was gold. Shows what a na?ve dickhead I was back then. I’ve never taken his advice again. ’
‘Huh. I had no idea you felt like that.’
‘I’m not the type of guy to wear his heart on his sleeve.’
‘Which is why I thought you were perfectly fine when we split up – happy even. You know, you really didn’t appear to be that broken up the handful of times I saw you from across the room,’ I point out.
‘You always seemed like you were living your best life with all those other women you were constantly surrounded by.’
He shoots me a pained grin. ‘I’m a great pretender.’
I think about this for a second. ‘You know,’ I say, ‘I think I’m probably guilty of letting someone get in my head about our relationship too.’
He sits up on his elbows and looks at me with interest. ‘Really? Who?’
‘You remember Carrie who was on my course? She was chair of the Students’ Union in our third year.’
‘Carrie with the blonde curly hair?’
‘Yep.’
‘Then yes, unfortunately I do.’
I blink. ‘Why unfortunately?’
‘We had a bit of a thing in our first year of uni that got a bit too intense, on her part. When I ended it, she was really pissed off and started borderline stalking me. At least she always seemed to turn up wherever I went. I might have been a bit paranoid about it, but whenever I did see her, which was all the bloody time, she’d just stare daggers at me for the whole night.
It got really uncomfortable and I asked her to stop.
She pretended she didn’t know what I was talking about and claimed I was the one stalking her by turning up at the same pub or club all the time, which definitely wasn’t the case. ’
‘Right. Wow. I had no idea that had happened. She was always really negative about you, but I didn’t know she’d had a relationship with you.’
‘Well, it wasn’t really a relationship. We just slept with each other a couple of times after meeting during Freshers Week.
I definitely wasn’t up for a serious thing so soon after starting uni and I thought she felt the same.
She told me she did at the time and was fine with keeping things casual, but then she changed her mind. ’
‘Ah. Okay. Well, she was probably really upset when you ended things then. Rejection is rejection, no matter how you couch it.’
‘Yeah. I felt bad about it afterwards. Until she started her campaign of harassment, that is.’
‘Hmm. Yeah. That was not okay behaviour.’
‘And she never told you about it?’ he asks.
I shake my head. ‘No. She was always just dismissive and a bit bitchy about you. And if I’m honest, I let her criticism get in my head a bit.
She used to go on and on about what a player you were and how you were someone who couldn’t be trusted.
And that I should give you a wide berth.
Now I think about it, I remember her telling me you’d treated a friend of hers really badly and left her broken.
I guess she didn’t want to admit it was actually her. ’
He lets out a frustrated-sounding breath. ‘That sounds about right.’
‘I mean, I mostly ignored her when we first got together because I was having such a blast with you,’ I say. ‘But after a while, when I felt like things could get more serious between us – that I wanted them to, but you didn’t seem to – I let what she’d said get to me.’
‘I wish we’d talked more, back then,’ he says with regret in his voice.
Pausing for a moment, I weigh up whether I should admit to the thing that’s been rattling round my brain for a while now. I decide I may as well tell him everything. I’ve got nothing to lose.
‘Okay, this is embarrassing,’ I say, ‘but in all honesty, I was a bit scared about the way you made me feel when we were together.’
‘How so?’
‘Out of control of my feelings. I used to think about you all the time when we weren’t together.
In an obsessive sort of way. It didn’t feel healthy to be so infatuated with someone.
Especially because you didn’t seem to feel the same way.
It felt unbalanced, like you had some kind of dangerous hold over me. I hated that.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me this at the time?’
‘Because it would have given you even more power over me,’ I say with a tight grin.
‘Or I could have reassured you and altered my behaviour so you didn’t feel so spun out.’
‘But would you have done? It didn’t seem like it at the time. You were having too much fun being wild and free. You didn’t want me tying you down.’
‘No. I wanted to do the tying down,’ he says with a twinkle in his eye.
‘Trust you to bring this back to sex,’ I joke, feeling my whole body heat in response.
He lifts his hands in mock-apology. ‘In all seriousness, I guess you’re right. I probably would have freaked out.’
‘So it was all down to bad timing for us. We needed very different things at the time.’
‘I guess that’s the crux of it, yeah.’ He’s looking at me intently now, his dark gaze searching my face.
‘So there are no hard feelings?’ I ask.
‘I always have hard feelings around you.’ The corner of his mouth lifts in a smirk. ‘And I was a bit cut up at the time, yeah, but I got over it.’
I find I have to force myself to smile at that.
So he’s totally over me now? The words slide like ice down my back.
I mean, I’m glad to hear he’s not holding on to any kind of grudge about our past, but I’m also strangely upset to hear he doesn’t have any feelings for me any more.
I know that’s selfish, I’m not in any state to start a serious relationship with him – and that was never the deal – but deep down I have to admit I like the idea of him still caring about me.
Instead of admitting to that, I dip my head, look up at him from under my lashes and say, ‘Well, if there’s any lingering need for closure in your mind, you’d be well within your rights to demand some sort of penance from me.’
His eyes spark with interest. ‘Yeah?’
I swallow hard, my body suddenly hot and needy at the thought of us role-playing a scene where he makes me ‘pay’ for any hurt I’ve caused him. ‘Yeah.’
‘So, what are you saying? That you want me to punish you for it?’ He quirks a suggestive eyebrow.
I raise an amused eyebrow back, relieved that we’re back to our jokey banter. It was all feeling a bit too emotionally heavy there for a second and I don’t have the bandwidth to deal with any more angst today. ‘I guess you could. If you wanted.’
His grin is wide and genuine now. ‘I’d be okay with that,’ he says in a low, gruff voice. ‘You still have the same preferences as before?’
‘Yep.’
‘Any constraints?’
‘Hopefully,’ I say, happy to be teasing him again now.
I shove any lingering thoughts of deeper emotions right out of my head.
‘Funny,’ he quips. ‘I mean, are there any new boundaries I should know about? Anything you’re not keen on?’
‘Nope. Same, same.’
He nods. ‘Okay.’
Then it’s like someone’s flicked a switch in his head because his expression turns serious and he gets up from the bed and turns to stand in front of me, a look of deep contemplation on his face, as if he’s assessing my body from head to toe, deciding what he’s going to do to me.
I immediately flush with excited heat.
It’s like my body remembers the cues, without me having to consciously think about it.
Not that I’m not thinking about it.
Because I am.
I’m so into the idea of this. I need it.
‘Wait here until I tell you what I want you to do.’
I do as he says, my pulse starting to race as I watch him walk away from where I’m sitting, looking around the room for something.
I have no other option. There’s no way I could make myself get up and leave right now anyway. I want to continue this sex-only fling with him too much.
And I want him.
I remember very clearly now why I was so befuddled by him five years ago, despite the sensible side of my brain telling me he wasn’t someone I should risk my heart on.
It’s still nudging me. Saying this all seems too good to be true.
But I’m not here for reality, I remind myself.
This is pure escapism.