Chapter 66
PENN
We gotto Darcy’s house, and she immediately went to the cabinet to get wine glasses and a bottle of red wine. She set the glasses on the coffee table and sat down, patting the cushion beside her for me to sit down.
“We need to celebrate,” she said, pouring the wine.
“Oh, yeah?” I asked, taking mine. “What are we celebrating?”
Darcy’s eyes grew wide. “Oh my God, Penny Bear, do you not know what day it is?”
There was an immediate alert that went off in my brain at the name Penny Bear. Sirens were crying out at an alarmingly fast rate.
Leave! Danger! Danger!
Where was this coming from?
I acted normal, despite the screaming inside of me. “Should I know?” I took a small sip of wine.
“Oh, you’re joking! You are trying to surprise me. I know you got me a present. Where is it?” She clapped her hands, and I set down the glass of wine.
Was it her birthday?
No, I knew her birthday was in March. What was I missing?
“Okay, fine! I’ll tell you...We officially have one month until the wedding! Remember? I got you something!” She ran to her bedroom and came out with a small bag.
My head was spinning. What wedding? Better yet, whose wedding?
“Darcy, listen, I didn’t get you anything. I’m sorry. What wedding?”
Her face dropped, but she recovered quickly. “What do you mean? Our wedding, you silly goose! We are going to get married on the same day as my parents at the white chapel. Oh my gosh!” She threw her hands up. “You’re hilarious! You’re messing with me...Anyway, it’s okay that you didn’t get me anything. I can wait. But go ahead, open yours!”
She squealed and stared at me as I slowly opened the bag, pulling out a box. I looked up at her, her hands at her chin and a look of excitement plastered all over it. I took the top off the box slowly and noticed a gold ring sitting inside.
“A ring?” I asked, my eyebrows raised.
She nodded furiously. “I know I’m supposed to wait until our actual wedding day, but I saw the way Margot is always looking at you, and I didn’t want to give her any ideas that you weren’t taken!” She took the box from my hands and pulled out the ring and got down on one knee. I was mortified, confused, frozen in place. “Penn Murphy, I love you.”
“You what?” I said, swallowing hard, my mouth so dry it felt like sandpaper. “Wait, Darcy...”
She closed her eyes, sticking out her hand. “No, no, let me say this,” she replied. “Penny Bear, I love you. I love you, and I love little Cordelia so much. I’ve only met her once, but she is so cute and teeny tiny, and I know I will see her again real soon.” She winked at my crotch.
I shook my head. “Wait, what? Who is Cordelia?” I was almost afraid to ask.
“Your penis, of course.” She waved to my crotch with her pointer finger. “See you real soon, little lady!”
“Wait. You named my penis Cordelia? Why would you do that? I told you it was a guy.”
What was I saying? It didn’t matter if it was a he or a she. She named my penis. And she called it teeny tiny.
“And he is not tiny. He is a perfectly acceptable size. What would make you say that?” I asked, more for my pride than anything else.
“Shh. It’s okay. I have seen lots of penises, and just because yours is below average does not mean I don’t love her! And besides, I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Teeny tiny weenie and all!” Darcy climbed into my lap and began kissing me. It was sloppy and uncoordinated, not at all like her normal smooth and delightful kissing. I pushed her back a little bit.
“Whoa, Darcy, what the hell is going on? Where is this coming from?”
She was kissing my neck and fumbling with my pants as I feverishly tried to stop her hands.
“Penny Bear. I think we should have a baby. I want to have your baby. Right now. Don’t you think we should? I won’t even be showing before the wedding.” She was pulling and tugging on her clothes, and finally, I picked her up and moved her away from me. Her eyes narrowed, and her voice grew deeper, her words slow and threatening. “Put. A. Baby. In. Me. Now.”
I grabbed a throw pillow, covering my body with it. “Darcy! Stop!”
She got up and turned around, crossing her arms over her chest.
I scooted back on the couch, and my hand grazed against something in the crack of the couch, giving myself a papercut.
“Stop. Please, just stop. What are you doing?” I asked in the most calm but commanding voice I could muster.
Her voice was trembling, her back still toward me. “Why are you being like this, Penny? I thought you loved me.”
I put my finger to my lips where the papercut had gotten me, and I investigated the crevice. I pulled out a notebook and glanced at it before setting it on the coffee table. I took a second look, noticing my name written on the paper while Darcy was still whimpering dramatically.
Operation AA
Be nice
Get Penn to like you
Be overly weird and clingy
Scare Penn from Aveline
I picked the notebook back up, flipping to the next page.
“What the fuck is this Darcy?” I blurted out.
OPERATION AA
Force him to sit on the couch while I perform a Taylor Swift concert
Make him watch the entire Twilight series
I couldn’t read any more. All this time, this whole display of whatever this was, it was all just a game to her?
“What is this?” I asked, holding up the notebook. “Who are you?”
At that moment, Darcy turned around, and her face changed. Her mouth was straight, her eyes narrowed, and her posture more upright.
“I could ask you the same thing, Penn Murphy. Who the fuck are you?”