Noah: in your eyes

12 — Catarina Rowedder

“In a minute I held the key

The next the walls were closed against me

And I discovered that my castles supported each other

On pillars of salt and on pillars of sand”

Live life — Coldplay

? I jump out of bed, waking up startled by a knock on the door and for a moment, my heart races, until my mind realizes where I am and I remember that I'm not alone, much less in danger.

— Only a moment! — I shout to the person on the other side, still stretching.

— Take your time, my dear, I'll wait for you in the kitchen — Dona Sarah responds, with a motherly voice that warms my heart.

I head to the bathroom and take the opportunity to take another quick shower. In addition to doing my personal hygiene, I feel relaxed, because I slept very well that night, as I haven't done in a long time. The weather is pleasant, so I choose a pair of gym pants and a t—shirt, which I find in the closet.

There are some clothes there, I believe no one will mind if I wear them for now, until I can find others, since I will need them and I don't have anything that is mine. Although I suspect that Beni's mother left these for my use, because I found new panties in the drawer.

And that. The time has come for a change, Catarina! — I think positively, leaving the room.

— Good morning — I say, quietly, as I approach the kitchen counter.

— Good morning, dear, did you sleep well? — She puts down the coffee maker and comes to hug me. I nod in agreement, returning his kind gesture. — Let's eat and then Thomaz will be here to talk. He went to take a call and is now coming to keep us company.

— Thank you very much, I don't know how to thank you.

— No need, my angel, everything will work out and we will be here with you. But... — he sighs and looks me in the eyes. — It won't be easy, you will have to be strong, changes require that of us.

— I will. — I smile looking into your eyes. — I'm willing to fight, to finally become a person free from these fears.

Our! I can't believe I said that out loud, in the company of someone else. And best of all, the feeling of power it gave me. A power of trust, where I am the owner of my destiny.

This will be my thought every day, from now on, I will fix it in my head.

— That's right, my little one, if you want to let out what's bothering you, it's just the two of us here, and to be honest, I think a therapist would help you a lot, preferably when we're sure that the danger isn't nearby, but especially when you realize that you are ready to take that step.

— A therapist, or rather a psychologist, is an important step and fundamental help, I would really like that. I no longer want to be afraid or feel as if all people are bad, you know? — Sigh. — I could victimize myself for everything I've been through, but I chose to fight, overcome myself and become a strong and determined woman. My past cannot determine who I will be from now on, I cannot be trapped in bad memories — I explain. — I know that some people go through more degrading situations than the one I went through and don't let it get them down. So why not try it?

— You're right, more than right! — celebrates.

We continued drinking our coffee. The woman, who welcomed me so well, didn't insist on the subject and we started talking about decoration and everything about this universe that I love, I take advantage of and express my desire to be able to work, perhaps practice my profession and thus take another step of independence, in this case financial.

As much as I have a reserve value, I would like to fight for the things I want.

— I believe that within a month this will be possible — she replies thoughtfully. — In the next few days, we need you to avoid leaving here as much as possible, we believe that will be enough time for Otávio to no longer be looking for you, after all, luckily, your disappearance didn't appear in any news, a fact that left me quite intrigued, I confess. .

— It must be because I was never a visible person in society, many don't even remember my existence and I'm grateful that, unexpectedly, it was useful for my escape. After all, there is that saying: whoever is not seen, is not remembered — I comment. — When my father was alive, he avoided the spotlight, kept our family in complete privacy and didn't like exposing my mother and I in the media, this guaranteed us a calmer life, even though he owned a renowned company in the corporate and It's also worth adding that at that time, social networks were just beginning, nothing compared to today, where there must be a photographer on every corner — I add.

— Good morning, girls. — I turn and see Thomaz coming towards us, with his usual calm expression.

— Good morning, Mr. Thomaz. — I get up and go to meet you. — Thank you for everything you have done to help me over the years. — At this moment he wraps me in a fatherly hug and I feel a tear run down my face.

— Nina, there's nothing to be thankful for, I've always had a huge appreciation for your father and I've had you as if you were part of my family, ever since he left us — he says, looking at my face and drying the tears that fall without me being able to contain them. them. — Crying soothes the soul. — I smile, seeing that I'm calmer now. — We can talk now? — he questions and I confirm, silently, composing myself.

I accompany the couple to the living room of the cozy apartment, where I feel protected and at peace. And not only because they are with me, but the environment itself is so casual and at the same time welcoming, that I would live here forever. A new dream appears in my head: to have a place that transmits all this incomparable energy to me.

—Feeling better, dear? — Sarah asks, sitting next to me.

— Yes, I think it's just me getting used to all this — I say, reassuring her.

— It's a big change, but you soon get used to it — Thomaz says. — Well, Nina, it wasn't an easy task to outwit the security guards yesterday, however, I believe that in the end, everything went as I expected — begins her report. — Anyway, the scream you heard in the garden was me, and I'm sorry for scaring you, I couldn't raise suspicions, but Otávio certainly won't keep me working with them for long, it's an assumption for now, but I want you to be aware of everything, okay?

— And I want to know everything, because I think that pretending that now it's just about living is not a good decision, my mother is still there and I'm afraid that she will suffer at his hands — I respond.

— I spoke to Victória, a little before the party. Obviously like every mother who discovers that her daughter is missing, she had a panic attack, however, I told her that you would stay with us and be safe, for an indefinite period of time. — This information calms my heart. — I avoided giving details, to reduce the chances of finding you, because as I deduced, Otávio put a team to look for you, so, as difficult as it is, you will need to remain secluded here for a few weeks, after that you can start his life, while we try to find a way to remove him from running the company. Everything ok so far? — question.

— Yes.

He continues to explain a few more things to me and reassure me about my safety. Ms. Sarah is willing to spend every night with me and this brings me immense comfort, not that someone invades this place, but rather the fear that my mind will start playing tricks on me and I will enter a spiral of destruction.

— I'll stay with you, Catarina and Beni can come here too, sometimes, if you feel comfortable with his presence to have someone younger for company.

— Baby, I think our son is older than you in mentality, his teenage essence still remains there, Sarah. — Thomaz responds, laughing, making me smile.

— Of course, after all, this is yours and I'm a guest, I don't want to be a hassle or anything, I... — I say, trying to find words that aren't me apologizing for the thousandth time, because I look like a piece of scratched tape.

— Catarina, my husband told me what happened to you, he didn't break your trust, I insisted on being able to help you and I understand the reservations you must have in relation to this, don't worry. I assure you, Beni has a huge heart, this is not marketing from a drooling mother. — Blink. — However, my son, you've seen too many things and you're a great listener, he could help you change your perception, who knows?

— Sorry to ask, but what does he work with? — I question, curious.

— He's been a soldier in the American army for a few years, so he only comes home during short periods of discharge — she explains.

— Our! And just when he can enjoy his family, I cause this mess. — I feel bad for interrupting their time with their son.

— Oh, he takes the opportunity to be with the boys too. Don't worry. — she laughs.

—No way, Sarah, he left early to have lunch at Jack's, I think they were all hungover. But, on the one hand, this is good... — he stops and analyzes me. — Nina, do you have any plans for your new life? Have you thought of something you would like to do?

— Well, I was talking to Sarah that I would really like to try, maybe, find a job in my field. — I rub one hand against the other, anxiously. — I know it will be complicated, but I would like that.

Thomaz makes a thoughtful expression, as if he had the solution in mind. Making it almost agonizingly suspenseful, I start to think I'm developing anxiety.

— I can achieve this for you, I don't guarantee that it will be as an architect, but I believe that, being in this area, you can acquire some experience.

— Our! — Enthusiasm speeds up my heartbeat. — I know this is getting repetitive, but thank you! And it doesn't have to be in the area, the objective I have is to grow on my merits and conquer my space.

— Good very good. I'll help you with that. Now, to enjoy the day, I need to get out. Sarah, I'll see you at home later. See you later, girls.

He says goodbye, leaving us alone and I wonder what will happen to my next few days. Who knows, maybe spend most of my time reading, something I really enjoy, planning places to visit. Who knows how to make a list of dreams? We'll see, only the days will tell.

However, one thing is certain, it will be a time to get to know myself and discover who Catarina is in the adult phase of her life.

We took advantage of the rest of the morning, as well as lunch, to talk and I was surprised by the fact that I managed to explain some things about my, until then, monotonous and dull existence, but not enough to be able to say that I took a weight off my shoulders. shoulders. And all because I don't want to receive pitying looks.

Around four in the afternoon, Sarah announced that she would need to leave, giving me instructions not to leave, nor open the door in case anyone came there and that later, she would bring me a cell phone so I could communicate with them and use it. like a girl my age.

A couple of hours later, I prepared some tea to calm my anxiety. Being alone and having idle time made me restless, not having demands, not needing to act mechanically, for the first time in a long time, left me lost. I don't know if it was because the adrenaline was leaving my system, or because of the calming effect of the hot liquid, my mind and body began to enter that lethargic stage of rest, my eyes became increasingly heavy, until I fell asleep, in a deep and calm sleep, at least that was what it indicated, until that voice invaded my dreams.

“Ah, what soft skin, it’s a delight to admire you, girl... I have wonderful plans, while you dream...”

— No, don't touch me! — I scream, as I can feel hands running through my hair. — No! Stop, please! — I struggled against him, no, he couldn't have found me... It's all dark, I can't...

— Hey, calm down, it'll pass, it's just a nightmare. — A voice repeats this a few times, forcing me to strain my eyes and open them. — Wake up, little one, you're okay. — As soon as I see the person I'm with, I realize it really was a fucking nightmare. — You're safe.

I shrink in shame, trying to control my breathing, as well as understanding what he is doing here, because the person who would come would be his mother.

— You must be wondering what I'm doing here, right? — I agree, shaking my head. — I'm sorry for having entered your room, I was in the living room when I heard your screams and, well... I know how a nightmare can suffocate us. Don't worry, I only touched your hair to wake you up, there's a glass of water here, have some. — He gives a friendly smile.

— Thank you, for that — I say, still scared, wondering how much he must have heard and what I must have said too.

— Don't worry, I won't fill you with questions, if you ever want to talk, I'll be here — he says, standing up. — I'm going to prepare a snack for us, okay? My mother probably won't be able to come today — she says, leaving the room.

I am taken by surprise by this information.

How am I going to sleep with Benício here? And if…

Inspire.

Breathe.

Don't freak out.

I walk to the window looking for some air, thinking about this whole situation, I can no longer live like a cornered animal, these wonderful people deserve to have the best version of me. I need to slowly become confident and use my instincts more.

Thinking now, calmer than when he spoke, his eyes were fixed on mine, an attitude of someone who is sincere, at least my father always said that whoever speaks looking into your eyes will never intentionally hurt you. And from the first moment I met Benício, I felt comfortable by his side, I can't sabotage this feeling of trust that is emerging in fear.

I decide that this will be my first step towards improving: I'm going to try to interact with him, without letting this shit fear take over, it will be good to have someone close to my age to talk to.

Who would have thought that my first “friendship”, so to speak, would be with a man. The attempt in itself is already quite an evolution.

— Sit here. — He points to the sofa when he sees me — I like to eat here when Mrs. Sarah isn't there — he comments, good—naturedly.

I am amazed at his simplicity, at the same time that he has an intimidating size, because he really is huge, not only in height, but also in his muscles, his hands, everything, but in a proportional way. It's like I'm a little ant next to a bear. However, this man remains a mystery to me, his eyes instigate that.

I see sandwiches and juice on the coffee table and, at that moment, my stomach growls. How embarrassing!

— I think he's hungry. — He indicates my belly with a smile that I can't decipher. — Let's eat and you can ask anything you want to know. I know you're thinking a lot of things, right?

— Yes, I'm hungry and, yes, my head is full of questions that still don't have answers — I respond, in a light way, trying to create an approach so that we can at least have a normal dialogue.

I sit on the sofa and start to enjoy the snack, which, by the way, is delicious, remaining silent, for now, waiting for him to take the initiative to bring up something, I don't know how to do that, everything has always been very planned in my life. life that I need to learn to be intuitive. Not learning, but rather reclaiming that in me, a part of Nina as a child that I always liked.

I hope we can be friends, even though I've never had a single one, I completely understand the lack of friendships in our lives. Being a person alone is not good for anyone, because friends are our support network, regardless of the circumstances that surround us. surround.

Friends encourage us to live and that is exactly what I see in Benício, a person who has empathy for others, someone who will certainly encourage me positively at all times, until I achieve my dreams.

It's a crazy thought, but it's what I imagine when I look at Benício Cooper.

He collects everything when we finish eating, taking the dishes to the kitchen and when he returns he has a calm and serene look on his face, the same one I want to have one day.

— Can I call you Nina? — I just nod my head. — Ok, do you want to know more about me? I think if you get to know me better, you'll know I'm not a risk to you. — He throws himself on the other corner of the sofa, keeping a good distance between us.

— Yes, but as I already told your family, I'm willing to get rid of what causes me panic and I don't want to sound rude, but sometimes I can't talk much to strangers. — I release all the air that was trapped in my lungs.

Our! I managed to say more than “yes” and “no”, again. Point for me!

— You don't have any trace of a rude person, believe me. — Laugh. — Do you have any specific questions, or do you want me to introduce myself first?

— Yeah, so… — I look at my hands. — I have many questions, but you can introduce yourself, I think. — I shrug, feeling like an alien, when my face meets his.

— Well, come on, I'm in the military, so you'll only see me when I'm off duty. I'm single and as I said, I come here when I want to have quiet moments, to be alone. — I arch an eyebrow. — And no, I don't bring women here, this is like a sanctuary.

— You're lying — I say, trying to joke with him.

— What's the lie? Use your arguments.

— About not bringing women here, unless your mother and I are considered beings from another planet, we are still female — I explain, earning a loud laugh from him.

— Girl, you're fun, when I said “women”, I meant fucking, and you two don't fit that bill. — My cheeks flush and then he realizes the obvious, quickly changing the subject. — Continuing, I have the best friends a person could have, but I don't tell them that or the ego of some will be more unbearable than it already is, so this is our secret. — He blinks, making me smile. — I've always wanted a sister, so I'm willing to be your big brother and if you want, it will be a fun experience, I think. — He offers, laughing and I feel comfortable with his offer.

I stay quiet, not knowing what to say, just looking at the guy in front of me, thinking that being enveloped in his hug is like literally receiving a bear hug.

Bear! — I laugh internally at the nickname I gave him. I take a deep breath, restraining myself from laughing out loud, and continue the subject:

— Wow, complete history, but I have a curiosity…

— Say.

— Have you never thought about starting a family? Like, get married, have kids, you know?

— He who says he never thought is certainly a cowardly liar, because inevitably this happens in our heads, some more often than others, however, I have not yet found the woman who will hold my heart in her hands, but the day Whatever happens, I believe I will ask to be discharged from the army, in the meantime I will live one day at a time until that moment happens. — I widened my eyes. — What was it?

— Based on my knowledge of men, that is, good guys from romance books more precisely, they all generally have that nonsense about “I don’t want a relationship”, “I’m not going to get married”, they complicate their lives, mess up and then They're running after the girl, because they realize they're in love, but then you arrive, breaking the rules I knew, but it's important because I only know imaginary men. — I shake my head, imagining he's going to think I'm crazy, but he laughs.

— It defined some of my friends, but let's say that I may be the exception to these rules there. And if you want to read, there are romance books here, my mother's work, just for the record. — Raise your hands in defense.

Benício really left me perplexed with this side of him, he seemed to have a huge heart and a very protective instinct, the woman who wins his heart will have her happily ever after like a modern fairy tale, I'm sure of that.

We spent the rest of the night and early morning talking, more than him, actually, but it was a huge step I took, I can't deny it. I'm an only child, so I don't know what it's like to have moments between brothers, but since he told me that, I believe that what we had came close to that fraternal feeling.

Beni asked me about what happened when he woke me up, saying that I could express what I felt about that nightmare, even though deep down I suspect that he knows everything I went through. Finally, I managed to explain about it and say some more things that I went through, minimal information because remembering it makes me feel disgusted, angry and hated.

Now, lying in my bed, I think about your words again:

“Nina, keeping it inside yourself and thinking that you can just delete it won't help you. When you feel better, talk to me or my mother, let out what happened to you, that will be liberating.”

Time passed, the days became several weeks and, exactly one week ago, Beni left for a mission. I confess that I miss our afternoons playing video games, more than I thought I would. As incredible as it may seem, I learned to play and I really enjoyed it. I realized that I have a very competitive side. Mrs. Sarah came to spend the night with me before and alternated with her son, after all she also has a life to take care of. The bear and I have been creating the harmony of true brothers and I pray every night that he returns home alive, because I can no longer imagine a Catarina without Benício.

Mr. Thomaz stops by here daily, on quick visits, just to let me know how my mother is doing and, however, on the last one, he told me about the excuse Otávio used to justify my disappearance. The idiot informed the press that his “dear” step daughter decided to travel the world, before finally taking her place in the family company. I wasn't surprised by the fact that he lied, I ended up being more scared by the news that Benício's father was fired from my home's security team, even though he assured me that he would keep an eye on my mother, I'm afraid that something bad could happen. happen to her without having him around.

An inevitable feeling, because she is my mother and I love her with all my heart, but as Mrs. Sarah said, I need to trust, have faith above all else.

And that's what I'm reaffirming, having faith that everything will work out, especially since today is the day that I'll take another step towards my freedom, after almost two months of not being able to leave my apartment. My destiny: my first job.

A dream coming true thanks to the Cooper family, who became very special to me. Generally in fairy tales there is a fairy godmother, in my case, I can say that they are mine, including the transformation.

To ensure that no one recognizes me, both on the street and at work, and to take care of my protection, they provided a wig — which appears to be real hair —, in dark brown color and non—prescription contact lenses in the same tone, as My blonde hair, along with my blue eyes, attract a lot of attention and I would certainly be found easily if I were unlucky enough to bump into someone I knew.

The first time I looked at myself in the mirror, I was really surprised and I also laughed, because it was as if I had never existed and a new person was using my body, with a new visual identity. After three days, using the wig and lenses at home, I managed to get used to it without feeling any discomfort.

I'm anxious, but very confident. As they promised me, Thomaz got a position in the area of ??architecture, when he told me I laughed, cried and got emotional, I even thanked my next generation, because I'm really exaggerated. And it couldn't be any different, after all, I'm the newest intern on the project development team, in a multinational hotel and resort company, where they build their own projects, I wanted to know the name and research more about the place that will take me becoming a professional, however, that would only cause me more anxiety, so I left it to be curious the day I went there.

In the midst of so many thoughts, I hear the doorbell ring and I go to the door to answer it.

— Hello, Nina, ready for a new life? — Dona Sarah asks, giving me a loving hug.

— Yes, ready, anxious and a little nervous. I hope my clothes are appropriate — I comment, completely insecure.

I chose high—waisted black trousers, a light pink shirt, a black blazer and a pair of discreet, not—so—high heels on my feet, just to give it a more formal look.

Sarah didn't hold back when she arrived here on a weekday with countless store bags of clothes for me. I insisted very hard to pay, but she avoided the subject by stating that it was a gift.

— You look beautiful and elegant. Come on, I'll walk you to Foster's, as we agreed. — he smiles, taking my hands. — I'm so happy for you! Ready?

Foster. I feel like I've heard the surname before, but I can't remember when or where it was. Maybe it's nothing more than a coincidence.

— Very ready! — I responded, excited.

I pick up my bag from the sofa and head for a new experience, one that will bring me independence and a new future. The girl in me is finally giving way to the empowered, determined and happy woman that I deserve to be.

— We're here. It's beautiful, isn't it? — he asks me, as we stop in front of the Foster Enterprise building.

I'm enchanted by the modernity of the place, covered in mirrored glass, and I'm already starting to dream about the beautiful view that the employees must have from there.

— Yes, incredible! — I exclaim, excited as if I had received a boost of energy.

— Let's go dear. I will accompany you to reception, the girls will be able to guide you to which floor you should go. — he speaks calmly, but he doesn't help me, because inside I'm a mix of joy and nervousness — Don't be nervous, you're extremely capable. Remember this — stroke my hair. — At the end of the day, I'll be here to walk you home, we'll do it like this until you're familiar with the subway — I agree.

I loved the fact that I could use very common transport and not come by car, or always be accompanied, even though I knew I was still wanted. This choice made me feel like a normal person. Seeing the crowded subway and watching the people there cheered me up a lot, some talk madly on the phone, others leaf through the newspapers, some type frantically on their cell phones — obviously in my mind as a romance reader, I'm imagining exchanging messages between couples in love, but let's ignore that information —, some just look through the glasses. The subway for me means liveliness. Strange, I know, but that's what I felt when I walked into it today.

We crossed the luxurious entrance hall and although the building is charming from the outside, the inside is magnificent, every detail of it is splendid, I would spend hours here just admiring it, for sure.

As soon as we arrive at reception, Sarah hugs me and says goodbye. I introduce myself and receive a provisional identification card, as the girl informed me, after the presentation meeting, we will receive the definitive access cards. She accompanies me to a room on the sixth floor, where I see some people, I believe they are also starting today and the woman, very kindly, points me to an armchair asking me to wait with the others.

A few minutes pass until she returns and tells us the location of the room, people leave euphorically and I, well, I really prefer to be last, to avoid socializing with future colleagues, I don't want to get stuck in the middle of a conversation right on my first day.

I walk through the corridors, admiring the paintings displayed on the walls, one more beautiful than the other, I am enchanted observing every detail, however, the next thing I know, I no longer see my colleagues.

Damn it! I should have been good on the way, because now I don't know whether to turn right or left. Mental note: I don't get distracted easily. The only option I have is to test either of the two alternatives and hasten the step to achieve them.

Arriving late, what a great first impression!

I hurriedly follow the chosen path, in a vain attempt to see a crowd of people entering a room, but “something” makes me stop against my will. In fact, I was stopped for bumping into a mountain of muscles that, by the way, have a strong and distinctive smell.